Callan

You're in a palace.

There's all sorts scribbled on the walls here.

No, I'm... Fidei defense are here, no entry there, and that message on the bathroom door... Are out of order?

Stephen Fry did coke here, I think is what it says.

Right, well, you can be assured I shan't be snorting drugs, sir.

Pity.

It might warm the deathly pallor about your countenance.

Excuse me?

Still, I don't know what the sign says about it, and poor Aunt Margaret hasn't lived to tell the tale.

Oh, did I?

I really tried, you know, to be a good Prime Minister.

It still ended up worse than Boris who wasn't even trying at all.

How did you muck it up, Sue?

I can't tell, sir.

I thought if I stood there doing as little as possible with the look of a man who urgently needs to throw up, I would achieve my childhood dream as a barely remembered one-term Prime Minister.

What's this about a challenge from Andy Burnham?

We can't have a PM called Andrew.

No.

It would only re-trigger one's reflux.

I thought I'd squashed him, but somehow Burnham beckons, in which case it's curtains for me or perhaps blinds, whichever one appeals more to Conservative voters.