Cam Patterson
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
I got a lot of pent-up rage.
I'm being fucking objectified in a sixth street in Texas by fucking comedians at the front row of a dirty comedy show.
So is it mostly black people going there? Like, man, I can't believe they did this to us.
You jumped off a folding bridge.
Without slavery, I could have been that nigga. Yikes. I be going to clubs and shit. I go to clubs a lot. And I went to a club recently back home in Florida, and one of the bouncers had one of the wand things, and he wanded the bottom of my feet. And I left that line immediately, dog. Because I don't want to go nowhere. They're getting foot pistols in. That's crazy. That's psychopathic.
And I also have a theory about bouncers. Not the bouncers here, because they are regular people. But I think, like, bouncers anywhere else are all gay. That's what I think. They big gay niggas. That's what I think. Big undercover gay niggas. Every time I go to a club, they pat me down. They always touch my dick. My dick get touched. Every single time.
And if the club is full, they probably touch 200 dicks. That's a lot of dicks to touch as a straight man. Gay ass nigga, that's crazy. It's gay. And if I was a bouncer, and I'm not, because I'm not gay, but if I was... If I was a bouncer and I patted you down, you had a bigger dick than me, I would not let you in the club. No, my girlfriend's in there, no! No, bucko!
There's gonna be a bunch of little dick niggas doing little dick dance and shit like that, you know what I'm saying? I can't appreciate y'all.
Yeah. Yeah. Shit been cool to see, dog. That one Mexican nigga that came out and said immediately was crazy.
I got a new car. I got two new cars. Oh, you have two cars. Okay.
Okay. Yeah, yeah. What year? 96, fuck, nigga. That's right.
Hell yeah. For fucking. Yep. For fucking that car.
For fucking that car for sure.
That's the fucking car. Have you done it yet? No, but I'm going to. I'm telling you, I'm going to fuck in that car. All right. And I got sounds in me, too, so the seats rattle, so her pussy get wet. It's like a vibrator. All right. Yeah, nigga. Okay. I'm going to fuck in that car. Okay. And you have a new car. Yeah. Okay. Yep. What is this one? I'm on Facebook Marketplace too much, is the problem.
It's a 2014 Infiniti. Okay. What made you get an Infiniti? I don't know. Genetics. Ha, ha, ha. What did he say? What did he say? My daddy had an Infinity. My granddaddy had an Infinity. Everybody had Infinities, man. Your sister Infinity also had an Infinity.
Yes. I thought about it. That's all I did. I thought about it. I'm getting out. We're doing shit. Okay. How do you feel about Slovakia? What is that? I don't fucking know. What is that? What color is this infinity? It's like a, it's like a, it's like, I don't even know how to explain it. It's got a wrap on it. It's like purple. Yes.
How do you think it's plum? Why do you think it's plum? What? Why do you think it's plum? What makes you think it's plum? What makes you believe it's plum color? I don't understand.
You brought up a rainbow, that's gay.
Dude with a purple car. Fucking rainbow's gay. Stupid gay, super gay. Purple is cool. It's not purple though, it's not purple. But if it was purple, it'd be fucking cool. It's not plum, you .
Oh, no, there is not enough. So I was going to Canada. We were in Canada this weekend. It was in Toronto. And my dad had been to Canada a couple times, like a lot with me. Oh, Kenny Patterson.
The legend of Kenny Patterson. It gets stronger today. So he go to Canada a lot. And then we went through the, what is it, the immigration, whatever the fuck with them niggas is? Yep. Customs. Yep. Customs. Went through customs. And the dude was like, y'all got to go inside for a second. And so we're going, it's me, my dad, and my sister. And we're going inside.
Because we drove over there from Buffalo. And we went inside. And the lady just called my dad over. And then she was like, yeah, you got like a domestic abuse charge from 99. Oh, my God. And I was born in 99.
He just went, well, see y'all in Buffalo, nigga. I don't know what to tell you. He made his wife purple. And then they went and walked back to America. Really? Yeah.
He got in three times. He told a lady that. He was like, I got in three times. She was like, we didn't see the first couple times. He was like, you're a dumb bitch. And I was like, wait a minute. Don't do it again. Not here. This ain't the place to do it.
Shane Gillis! Shane Gillis, Ari Shaffir, and Mark Norman. Let's fucking go. We are in Austin, Texas. This episode brought to you by Shopify, PrizePix, BlueChew, and ZipRecruiter.
Like you're a goat in insult comedy, I'm a goat in sales. It's not a big category, but I got to have a bouncer, a bodyguard.
And if I beat up hookers, I need the blood to be picked up by something. Hell yeah. But these girls are too beautiful to have the hookers. Absolutely. I don't pick good hookers. Well, I'm trying to recruit Ari to do inappropriate comedy, too. So I got half a million dollars.
Ari's funny. Ari's funny.
He's funny, but he's funnier in my movie, Inappropriate Comedy.
Hey, your producer didn't want me to come on your podcast. Really? I'm not talking to you. Oh, all right. I have protégés.
Just kidding, Mark. He's my protégé. What's great about him, he does rap, rhyme. Oh, no.
Shane's one of my... Yeah, go ahead.
And I'll dance to it. By the way, this is my first time on stage, so I'm very nervous.
I just asked you to get a drink. You're doing great.
Wow. Yikes.
But Ari, it's good to see you. He was in my film.
Really? Adrian Brody was like Dirty Harry but Flirty Harry make me gay. Wow. And we had Ari. I saw Ari doing all this racist stuff. I love racist stuff. Yeah.
You know what? People think I do drugs. I don't. Billy Mays did drugs. They always connect me with him. I'm getting a little heavy. This is not drugs. What is this? I'm looking pretty good at 60. Do I look good at 60? Yeah.
You still fucking hookers? You know what's funny? I have one at my home tonight.
I am coming out with a new product. This is the first time I'm saying this. I love this.
And I want you all to buy it because I see everybody's white here. So listen, it's called the Black Wow. It's black, big black. The girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room. And it's big, black, strong. And it's diversity.
Can Mark be in the commercial?
Do we have a catchphrase? He's one of my favorites. I lost him. Okay. Well, yes. You ready? Where's your co-worker? If you don't buy it, you're a fucking racist. Oh. That means everybody's got to buy one. Come on. Send the money up right now. Okay.
Okay. I used to have a movie called Underground Comedy. This is back in the 90s before woke.
At the time, they were attacking my film. You know, I have supermodels taking a dump, dick man fights lesbians, Miss America bag lady pageant. I think I told Ari about it when I did number two. It was wild.
I don't know how to find it. And it's not even on the internet. It's so messed up. So the critics all hated it because they're all woke in LA. And they said it's the worst movie ever made. No one, it's not funny. Come on, you're lying your ass off. But anyway, so I had to go into the street and promote... Underground comedy on the street, and then people go to the theater, and we fill it up.
And I said, what am I doing selling movie tickets when I can be on infomercials? And that's how I got into the infomercials. I had like a little DVD player showing people on the street. Got them into the theater, and then that's how I crossed into infomercials. I said, forget movies, let's do something. Yeah, you said, fuck movies, let's focus on towels. Exactly. I said, fuck it.
And the towels were fucking great. Beating up hookers. Clean up the hookers. Yes. The blood. And then I crossed. That's how I crossed over into infomercials. Yes. From that. Because the critics hated me. So I took that and, you know, went from rags to riches.
Okay, so grossed $100 million, I made about $20. Wow. Fucking awesome. Okay. It's my first time on stage, so I'm like, I'm actually kind of shy. You're doing great. And that girl, the blonde girl, is supposed to get me a drink, but whatever. She's busy getting hit on by a guy. Yeah. I want a Bud Light, too.
Honestly, okay, you want to know what happened? You know, I was, this is like, I don't want to get into a documentary here, but I was in a cult for 20 years. I don't want to say what cult because I don't want to get killed after the show or maybe within the next week.
I didn't say that. You said that.
Well, it's kill Tony, so it's perfect. I don't want him to kill me. You're good. I didn't say that. But, so I was 20 years in it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sex cult. It was a reading cult. And then when I was in Miami.
I had $20 million in my pocket. I'm like, everybody, every model wants that. I couldn't even talk. And the Russian girl said, hey, let's, I don't want to even say who it is. She started yapping a little. You fucking gave her one too. Honestly, because I was a little repressed, to be honest.
Well, you know, 20 years in a cult that doesn't have sex. I mean, and if you have sex, you got to write it down. It's like a sin. Wow. Yeah, it's true. Whoa. Yeah, pretty bad.
I should have joined a sex cult, but whatever. What?
Wow. So then all of a sudden... I kind of like... Okay, this is like a podcast now. No, it is. It's been a podcast the whole time. A big one. I don't think I sent a release. Okay, whatever.
Can we get another rhyme from Sean?
Am I this interesting?
I should have had sex with her, I guess, if I'm going to get blamed for it. But anyway, long story short, I did think, like, oh, wow, you can just have sex for, like, money. I'm like, I never thought of that.
Does anybody want to know what a thoughtist, by the way, is?
I come up with products and names for products.
I'm the owner of the products. Uh-huh. So I came up with the word thoughtist. Uh-huh. So let's say you like Trump and I like Biden. We don't hate each other, right? But if I hated you because you like Trump, I would hate your thought. So that's called a thoughtist. So you know how racists hate black people? You don't like black people. Well...
No, if you don't like it, you don't like, like someone doesn't like a black guy because of his color, color of his skin, right? He just hates him. So this is someone hates you because of the color of your thought. So I came up with the color, like, thoughtist.
And it's free. You can have it. You can use it. If someone hates you for something, you can say, you know what? You're a fucking thoughtist. Don't be a thoughtist. Because if I like Trump, you don't have to hate me. You can just, like, debate me. So that's kind of what I'm trying to say. Because, you know, I don't think it's so much.
What's funny is I'm just trying to get my protege to come on and all of a sudden I'm out.
Move two feet and your body will follow. Come on.
Let me do the weave back with Trump. We met when underground comedy was so offensive. We went out He used to be a caller on the Howard Stern Show and call and say things, and that's how we met.
First time. I appreciate it. You guys all made me feel good. I got the goats of comedy, and I'm... Hang out.
Cool, yeah, okay. Mother's Day just happened. I celebrate Mother's Day by impregnating women. I'm spreading the holiday cheer. You don't want to know what I do for Father's Day. I went to Canada, and this Canadian guy told me he came down here, went to a gun range, was so overwhelmed from shooting a gun, he cried. And I just thought, man, it is going to be so easy to take over this country.
Oh, my God. Stick that out before you hurt yourself. Stick to hockey. I used a gun. I did not cry. The person I shot cried. Okay, thank you.
He gets tiresome after a while. Like, we get it. We get it. I love it. I love it.
It's a cool shirt. We were all black all the time. Do you know any other colors? No. No. You're really trying to make people think you're not gay.
My mom wanted me to correct you that I have muscular dystrophy. So she said, she calls you Kill Tony. She goes, tell Kill Tony you have muscular dystrophy. I was like, you got it, ma. Oh.
Sometimes those are hard for me. I got it. It's good. Beautiful.
Well, my dog got out. Your dog what? He got out. He escaped? Yeah. My friend was watching it, and I had a dog under the fence. But I'm hoping, because this comes out like two weeks from now, I'm hoping we have it by the time. So wait, when did your dog escape? It was this weekend. Yeah, I had it my way. I might have him in here. Hold on. Wait a second. Here it comes.
What kind of dog was it? He doesn't remember his dog. Well, the breed's called a Lhasa Abso. It looks like a chintzu type thing. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, I'm hoping we have it.
Oh, no, he's blind. So his other senses are elevated. Oh, that's true.
We're going to find him. He's gone. He's gone. I think I heard sometimes pigs. get loose, and they come back, and it's like, wild boars, or maybe he'll be a fucking wolf. Wow.
What's up, man? I'm getting older and I'm realizing stuff about myself. I realized recently that I'm toxic. I just realized that. Because I got a new girlfriend and my ex called me out of nowhere and she was like, I see you got a new girlfriend, nigga. And I don't care. I just want you to know that if you marry that bitch, I'm going to come to your wedding with a bomb strapped to my chest.
And my dick got hard. I'm like, what did you say? I rubbed my nipple and shit. You said what? My homeboy was like, why would your dick get hard? That's crazy. I'm like, you don't understand, bro. My mom gonna be at my wedding. My dad gonna be at my wedding. My grandma gonna be there. You gonna kill all them for me? What you finna wear when you gonna blow my wedding up?
You gonna have a thong on me blowing my wedding up? Yeah, that's the whole joke. That's all of it. I'm not gonna stop now. I guess I can tell you what I did this week. I went to Akron. That place is terrible. We don't need it. LeBron, we need it out of Africa. I feel like this world is just LeBron's world. Y'all ever think about that? I'm glad I got out of that one. There it goes. We made it!
What the fuck is going on here?
Oh, he did post that bullshit. Man, fuck LeBron James.
Yeah. Yeah. Fuck LeBron James. Pussy ass nigga. LeBron. And you can't say that. I can't say that. Fuck, nigga.
What you gonna do to that? Fuck, nigga, huh? That's why your son asked. He's okay during the regular season. I got it. I got it. I got it. That's fine. That's fine. I got it. That's fine. Fuck Brody, nigga!
Okay, I'll take Muggsy Bogues because he's black.
My homeboy, they asked me about it, and I was like, no, at first. When I opened it, my dog Jarrah, he's from Akron. So I was like, why go out there? Can he get to go back home and shit? And he just had a traumatic experience, really. What happened? He got back home. His middle school was closed down. His elementary school was boarded up.
His childhood home he grew up at burnt to the ground.
We should have stayed the fuck out of Akron is what I think about it. The place is fucking horrible. One guy, can I do this thing at the end of my soul now where I just do therapy with Cam? Because I'm a therapist. I don't even know that I'm a therapist. And so people just ask me questions and I give them solutions, right? And this one guy said, hey man, I live in Akron. What should I do?
And I just said, kill yourself. Yeah. You should probably murder yourself and your family and go to heaven. Yep. Get out of here, man. Die. Die. And I also been in your hometown, but it's not better, right? It's not much better. Northeast Ohio is very- It's the worst place on earth.
Y'all don't feel what I'm saying? Fuck y'all too then.
Super good. I got 100. I got 2K on me right now.
I'm like that for real, nigga. Rick is really, really scared. I'm like that for real, man. Hey, you know what? I was ranked number three in the nation when I was in 12th grade. This is why people are afraid of Akron. You ain't know that? You ain't know that, huh? I'm lying, but it sound good.
I did not say his hair looked like it had AIDS. I said, it looked gay. That's what I said. I said, it looked gay as hell. Cut it off, you bitch nigga. That's what I said. I did y'all a favor. He did a good job. I'm proud of him. Let's talk about Trump. He's funny. He's funny to me. I'm not a political guy. I'm not very political.
But it's very funny that he hired a 13-year-old kid with cancer to be the head of the Secret Service. That's funny as fuck to me. He likes it a lot. It's funny, because my grandma weird, she weird about it because the kid is black. She don't know how to feel. I was like, grandma, how do you feel about Trump hiring a black kid to be head of secret service because he has cancer?
And my grandma said, I don't give a fuck about that retard. And I said, grandma, he has cancer. And she went, same thing. No, it's not. Which is crazy, right? And what's funny to me, this is what I think about a lot. This makes me really happy. He don't know it's fake. he has no idea that he's not the head of the Secret Service. He think he runs the Secret Service.
What's funny is like Trump has got onto something that African niggas knew a long time ago. Child soldiers are amazing. You understand that? You fuck with Trump, I will kill your family, nigga. And I love it. It's pretty dope for me. And the last thing I want to say is, I've been thinking about this a lot.
It's funny because last year, Trump got shot in the ear, and everybody was making fun because he had two women at Secret Service. And it's funny to think that instead of that, he was like, fuck all that bullshit. I'm going to hire a retarded 13-year-old nigga with cancer, because that's better with two women than a gun. You know what I'm saying? I said it backwards, but you get it.
Y'all don't see this nigga over here in jail? Y'all don't see him? He's been in jail closed the whole show. Oh, yeah. You don't see this white man in prison? No, I didn't.
That's terrifying that he has that.
Oh, he gonna stab all of us. Either way. Either way, it's gonna be fun. Either way. What is he doing? He humping something. That was scary. The rest of my shit over here, that was terrifying. He humped the air over me. That was crazy. Fuck Ritz Voss first, please.
He finna punch the shit out of Adam Redd.
How you feeling, guys? Are you feeling, guys? I know Tony is. Anyway, I am 11 months sober. from marijuana. Yeah, look at that. Nobody's happy for me anymore. People are like, boo. That's only because you hear the good stuff, you know? They never talk about the negatives. Like, you notice that it makes you stop dreaming? You, have you noticed this? Of course not. You're toasted right now.
Big dreamer right here. Guys, I'm from Colorado. What if, like, my whole state isn't dreaming? What if Martin Luther King Jr. was from Colorado? He would have never had that dream, dude. We would be peeing in different bathrooms. The marches, they would have never happened. Would he ever hit the doobie and think, guys, let's go on a hunger strike. All right, everyone, shut up, shut up, shut up.
How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been dabbling for three years, but I'd say I've been doing it for like a month. Okay, and that's in Colorado? Yeah, Telluride. Nice. Okay, what do you do for a living? I was a bartender, and I'm trying to be a farmer. Marijuana? Yeah, I wish. No, you can do that where I'm from, but you can't really do that here anymore, can you?
Unless if you're doing that weird Delta 8 stuff, right?
No, but organic stuff. I've worked on a mushroom farm, apple farm, all kinds of stuff. Okay.
Are you a healthy guy? I try to be healthy. It's kind of tough when you move to a new city and you're not connected to farm stuff. Mostly, you do eat healthy. Yeah, I think so. What's a guilty pleasure for you? What's something that you eat that's unhealthy?
Um, guilty pleasure, I love donuts, like voodoo donuts down the way. Kind of been fucking me up lately. Yeah, how has it been fucking you up? Um, well, so I live in a van, and I gotta find a, what, that's not funny, shut up. Nobody laughed. You're right.
I just, I wish they would laugh. Dreaming of donuts over here. But no, like I got to find a place to piss in the morning. So I'm walking down and it's always voodoo donuts. And like, I'm trying, you know, to eat healthy, like you said, but if you, you know, I feel guilty just going in and asking to use the bathroom. So I got to get like at least three or four.
I can't believe my hero is on stage right now. I've never been vaccinated. And, like, my mom... You're like my mom's biggest hero, too.
Well, in Telluride, it's skiing, snowboarding, whitewater rafting, mountain biking. Is that what you do? Yeah, I do all these things. But here, I've been two-stepping. Oh, really? Yeah.
They come for one festival in Telluride. It's called Blues and Brews and they're all on stage and we're just staring at them.
Telluride, nothing. Here, I had a girlfriend and she... So wait, you moved here? Yeah. Okay, I must have missed that. How long ago? Like a month ago. Okay. Halloween. You had a girlfriend here already? Yeah, I jump into these things real quick. How'd that go? Not great. She two-stepped right out of my life. Yeah.
And, yeah, actually, I was going to call her today and kind of say, hey, we can still be friends. Did she tell you why she left you? No. No? Can you tell why? Can you tell why? Yeah. Why? Just basically how I am. I'm, like, I'm awkward, and I get too attached to people. Oh, you did?
Oh, instantly. But I was trying to play it off.
Well, I always, I rush into these things because, like, it's kind of a trick to get that, like, if someone cares about you, it's really easy to care about yourself. But then, like, when that person leaves, like, I'm supposed to still care about myself? I fucking don't. But, like, you know, when I mean take care of yourself, I mean, like, clean my room. Because someone will come see it.
I thought you lived in a van. It is a van. Well, okay, my room is my van.
And it's like, it's a bus. It's big.
Right after I got on Kill Tony the first time. You've been on before? Yeah, I was here like three or four weeks ago. Holy shit. You made me talk about having lichen sclerosis, which, by the way, I've admitted to my parents and then you and everybody in the world. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
So I'm still trying to do the acting thing or whatnot, and I had an audition for a role a couple weeks ago, and it was for a drug dealer, so right on time, right? So I thought I had it in the bag, and then I got there, and there was a lady with a camera and a gay dude, right? And we was reading our lines and shit, and he was reading them with me, but he was reading the lines as my girlfriend.
That's crazy, right? So I'm saying my lines or whatnot. I'm like, hey, bitch, here go the drugs, and then his line is, oh my gosh, I love you so much. And every time he said that, I laughed, because that's funny, right? Like, what the fuck? And he would be like, you got to be more serious. I'd be like, no problem. He'd say it again, and I'd laugh again. And I'm going to tell you something.
I should get that role, man, because that was fucking great acting, dog. He had no idea I was homophobic. You know what I'm saying? And if you think I'm dead ass, I'm not homophobic. I have no problem with gay people. I have gays in my family. I don't talk to them, but they in my family, I tell you that much. Have my time. There it go. Yeah.
You the dude with the health shit? You be doing health and shit? I do the health shit. Hell, yeah. That's good. That is his official title. The health shit. The health shit.
Yeah, no, not well. Yeah, I did, yeah. I was already in there late doing shit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And so, yeah. But it was funny. I'm not going to get in the part at all, but it was funny. Yeah. I got a joke out of that.
Wow. What's up? Oh, it's you. It's you. I got really scared for a second. It's a ski mat, because it's cold, and it should be cold outside. And I ain't got no haircut, so it help with my hairline and shit like that. Hell yeah. A lot of people don't have that problem, because y'all don't have it. Y'all hair don't... You feel what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying. Health nigga, right? Yeah, go.
The health nigga get what I'm saying.
You the one with the worm in your brain. That's right, that's right. Type shit. Hell yeah, that's hard. It's good, man. Hell yeah, this is fun. So what's going on under there?
Under my head? Yeah. Well, I ain't get a haircut in a minute, so my hair look crazy. OK. Yeah, so fuck no, bitch.
No. Hell no. My goodness. I'll take it off for $200. Whoa, 200 bucks, lady. Bitch.
I was in Rochester, New York this weekend. Yeah, that place is fucking terrible. It's terrible.
Yeah, man. They had this shit up there called a garbage plate, and it was just like, it's exactly what you think it is. It's a bunch of bullshit on a plate. Puerto Rican food?
Oh, I just got it. I just understood what that was. Got it! That's funny. That is so funny. Where the fuck you get glasses from? You always had glasses?
Ass, nigga, it's terrible. It made me mad, because they really stood by that bullshit. And it was me, Jolly, and my other homeboy, Jar, we was all there. My cameraman is white. I got a white cameraman. Yeah, reparations, you know what I'm saying? I have white people out of shit like that. I have one person. I'm a good person.
So I got a white cameraman, right, and we opened our food up, and it was the garbage place in front of us, and my cameraman just went, y'all want to be slaves so bad. That's how terrible the food was. It looked like slave food. It was terrible. It was God awful. Made me upset. I wanted to kill those people. Yeah. People was cool, though. The food was God awful, dog. Freezing cold up there.
It was cold as shit. Yeah. It was cool. I like the cold. Nah, man. I'm a real travel person. You know what I'm saying? I be all around the world. I be seeing snow and shit like that. It don't even phase me no more. I just see snow and I go, that's snow pussy, and I keep moving. That's right. Because I've been around the world now, thanks to you, Tony. I appreciate that, brother. Hell yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you. I just realized something about myself. I don't like phone sex. I was having phone sex with my girlfriend. We was on FaceTime and she was playing with herself and I was beating my meat. And then she was like, can I use a toy? And I was like, yeah, no problem. You can use a toy. And then she pulled out an 11 inch green dildo. And I was flabbergasted, really, dog.
I understand some, bitch, I said a toy, not Hulk's dick, you dirty Hulk. It's clobbering time, dumb ass bitch, that's crazy. And like, I don't listen, I'm fine with my girlfriend having like toys to use, play with, pleasure herself and shit, but it has to be the same size as my dick, no bigger. And I've been to her house a million times. I've never seen a green dildo there ever, dawg.
Where has she been hiding this bitch from me? I really, I want to go there and cut it in half and have two of my dicks so she can use it when she need. Like, that pisses me off. Understand something. That's like me going, you know what? Can I use a toy? And I just pull out a fat white bitch. It's clobbering time. All right, let me get out of here.
Hey, Tony, wait, I got something. Oh, yeah? You know how I failed the last time? With a drink whip. You drank it? You dirty bitch.
Yeah, we got Kid Rock and Crack Rock. It was a terrible idea. I spilled something on my shirt backstage. And then like, this is my head. I got to cut my hair down. My head don't look good right now. Oh my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's a lie. It's a lie. It's not going to work at all.
Yeah, nigga! Science, nigga! Wow. Bill Nye the Science Guy! Bill! Bill Nye the Science Guy! Yeah, yeah, nigga, I'm happy. Absolutely. I'm so happy that word.
I didn't realize my face was up, though.
He's so confused right now. Like, who is this nigga?
How do you like Nashville so far? I like Nashville. Nashville's nice. I don't like all the bridal showers. That's gay. The what? The bridal showers and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't like all that shit. The best you're at. Yeah. Nashville's cool, though. I fuck with Nashville. Nashville's nice.
Nashville's like white Atlanta. That's what it is, really. Yep. Yeah, it's white Atlanta. It is. Yeah.
Yeah, it's nice, though. White as fuck. That's a big lady. Hell yeah. Oh, shit.
Pretty sure that was a compliment. Hell yeah. I would fuck her. I would. I would fuck her.
It's a tomato, nigga. That's crazy. I love you, white lady. It's good. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I love you, white bitch.
A hot sake. I will consolidate your debt. Consider your debt consolidated. You owe nothing no more.
I like that, all right? What are you, my father? I fucking like that. What do I got to prove to you?
So Zeth, have you ever met anybody else named Zeth with a Z?
Right, that's what I'm saying, yeah. All right. Why a Rebel 500?
I didn't know him at all. And then one night, after the taping of this show, people kept coming up to me going, do you know who the fuck's here? Doug Polk's here. Doug Polk is here. And I'm like, who the fuck is a Doug Polk? What's a Doug Polk? But all fucking night, I swear to God, 15, 20 people.
What's up, man? I'm proud of myself. I got a girlfriend now. We've been there for eight months. And for the first time, two days ago, I made that bitch cum. I'm proud of myself. Yeah. Yeah, nigga. Yeah. Eight months, no cums. Nigga, nothing. We were fucking. I go, baby, did you cum? And she would go, no. And I would go, damn, good night every time. Too bad, bitch, good night every single time.
But this night was different. It was different. Well, kind of the same. We took mushrooms. I fucked her. She didn't come. I said, did you come? She went, no. I said, damn, went to sleep, right? Only thing that was different was earlier that day, my girlfriend has a roommate. And her roommate brought this dude over, like a lame-ass white dude. He was a real poindexter.
He was a bitch, like a real fuck nigga. You know what I'm saying? And I met him, and he was like, how you doing? Good to meet you. I was like, what's up, pussy? Right? He was a bitch. It's like we talk to bitches. What's up, pussy? How you doing, brother? And I went back in the room, right? And then the night came.
And when I was trying to go to sleep off the mushroom, got the fuck in my lady peacefully. I just heard from the other room this lame-ass nigga fucking the shit out of her roommate. It was just like, ah, ah, the whole time, ah, ah. I'm like, he's in there hurting her. Oh, my God, what's going on?
And then right when I started to think about it, the mushrooms kicked in, and my brain just went, you gonna let that white boy out fuck you, nigga? And I felt my ancestors grab my back. It was Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King and Thurgood Marshall. And I put my shoes off for trash and I made that bitch cum, nigga. Y'all make out, thank y'all so much. Fuck yeah.
I had put shoes on for traction. You put shoes on? Yeah, nigga, I was butt-ass naked, foam pods and so on, nigga. So you were wearing exclusively only shoes? Only shoes. Socks and shoes, but only shoes. Wow. Butt-ass naked, only shoes on, and I was going as hard as I could. I wanted to get out fucked, and he was going hard over there. Yeah. Yeah, he was going crazy over there.
And she be like, no. I be like, damn, too bad, bitch. I don't really care, but I would like to know. You feel what I'm saying? Don't bother me. I already won. I'm happy. I'm having a good time. Give a fuck about what she got going on over there. Figure it out.
Put my head down. It's a lot of that. Yeah. What the fuck are you doing right now?
Hey, who are these niggas, man? I go for two weeks. Who are these lame ass niggas? Who are these? What the fuck going on here, man? They're not lame. They're cool. I mean, that guy's cool. That guy's lame as fuck, man. What are you talking about? This guy's cool as shit. That guy's lame as hell, man. He cool, but who the fuck is that guy?
He probably sound like a smooth jazz player. He probably sound cool and shit. Oh, the piano player? Yeah.
We all came. He probably say nigga when he come, too.
He cool enough, though. I came, nigga. Hell yeah.
The fuck was that, Redman? We was all having a good time. He was like, do you come quick, nigga? How fast do you come, Cam? I got questions about this shit.
Shit, a lot, man. I've been running around doing shit. I'm, uh, I'm acting now. I'll be acting and shit now.
You're gonna make it. I think I can tell them what the big one is. Okay, we're not gonna tell them about the big one yet. But, yeah, I'm in some shit. It's weird. It's weird being, like, around real actors, because I don't act. I'm me, you feel me? Yeah. When I went to my audition, I remember there was a nigga in there, and I asked him, I said, hey, man, how... How you guys started acting?
He was like, you know, I was in The Lion King when I was eight. I was simple. I was like, damn, at school? He was like, nah, abroad. I was like, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be in this room at all, dog. This is diabolical. But, you know, it's cool. I fuck with it. You know what I'm saying?
Wait a minute, what the fuck you just said?
It came out of left field, but I fuck with it, though. That's cool. I think it's pretty dope, man. I feel good.
Did that really happen? Did you fuck a woman in front of the husband?
He thinks that the host is cheating.
Have you ever asked her why she wants to be a dietician?
Does this guy come and keep going at the same time? Does this guy do the old fucking... It's called the manatee meatloaf.
And what if he says, please, sir, please, please stop saying that I really need this bed. Keep him down! What if he says, please stop?
I'm glad y'all like that little gag because I am not ready. I'll tell you that much. This minute, it's funny because I've been trying to figure this minute out and I don't know how to tell it for real. All I know is I used to be a bully, right? I used to hurt people a little bit when I was in elementary school and middle school and shit like that. And I would get suspended all the time.
And one day they wanted to call my parents, but they didn't understand that I was doing all this bullying because my parents aren't the best parents in the world. You know what I'm saying? And she wanted to call my dad real bad. And I was sitting in the office, and she was looking at me, scolding me and stuff. And she called my dad. She put him on speakerphone. And my dad was talking to her.
She was like, your son's a bad person. He's going to get expelled. He's bullying other students. He hit somebody with a baseball bat. You need to talk to him. And then my dad just went, hey, Cam, stand up. And I was 5'1 at the time. And then he just went, who the fuck is he bullying, bitch midgets? And hung up the phone. That's my time. Thank you so much.
Hell yeah. I'm glad that worked. That shit been bombing all day, nigga. I've been running around. I was supposed to be here earlier. I was running around with the whole bunch of soldiers. That shit was eating dicks all day.
Who put that hat on him, man? Why they put that fucking hat on him? Because you can't see it. He don't like gay people. That's a gay-ass hat, man. Who put that hat on D-Madness, man? The fuck going on right now? The show going to fucking shambles right now. And they put a gay-ass hat in front of D-Madness? That's bullshit. D, you got a pink hat on. You know that?
You got a pink hat on, D. It's pedasal. It's pedasal to this shit. He don't know, oh, oh, shit, he, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The nigga don't know colors. Oh, fuck. I ain't know that. Oh, I forgot he was blind. Oh, man. I forgot he was blind. Okay, I'm sorry. Still, though.
Goddamn, man! The show coming to shambles and shit!
I'm going to get you. Brother Darkness, he just called you. I call him Darkness. He called me Blacker. So, you know, it switches from time to time. What's up, Blacker? What's up?
Well, most people, how do you know what it say?
I've been beefing with the blind my whole life, nigga. It's kind of crazy. When I first started on stage, it was a blind lady. She was in a wheelchair, and they would always bring her on stage and shit, and I was hosting a show one time. All right, nigga, hold up. Wait a minute. I'm telling my story. Now... I swear to God, I'm not a goddamn strong woman. I'm a student. Okay, calm down.
Because the words are fucking me up. I read it and said, you big dummy. But it was a blonde lady. It was a blonde lady that came to the show. She was in the wheelchair. What a cunt. You know, you're the closest to me, right? But she would... It's going to bomb now because it took too long. But... She would always be like, I love him because he's so black and he's so short.
And I was like, how you know I'm short? And she was like, you real close to my ear. Because she was in a wheelchair, you know what I'm saying? And I hate that bitch. I hate her. Hope that bitch never see you again, goddamn.
Yeah, you what, what, what? So we're on the same level. It's like riling up a retarded kid. Yeah, fuck, nigga, yeah!
Oh, shit. Hey, hey. I did not stay the night. I was there for a long time.
I knew it was going to look bad. OK, wait. I'm sorry. You all right. You good. Don't sue nobody, nigga. All right, listen. I understand something. Wait. I understand something. I'm glad you brought it. It's a good story. It's a funny story. So Sketch, we did the stream last night, and Sketch gave me a lot of, like, gifts and shit, so I wanted to give him something back in return, right?
So I gave him my jacket off my back, right? What do you mean when you say it like that? Listen. So I gave him my jacket off my back, right? And it was my favorite jacket. So I got back in the car with my homeboy and my girlfriend, right? I got back in the car. Had to clarify that. Got back with my homeboy and my girlfriend. So I got in the car, and I was drunk.
And I was like, man, it was such a good time, man. But I gave him my favorite jacket. And I just kept saying that over and over again. And my homeboy is a good friend, also a crazy person. So he went... this morning and just got my jacket back. And I woke up, and it was just in my living room. That's the whole story. The whole story. Sometimes it all don't got to have a punch.
You're gonna get us both sick. Come on, now.
You know what you want? You know what you want? You know what the fuck you want from me? I want to note that he's just sitting there shaking his head, very disgusted at me right now. Look at this beautiful black queen we have here.
I learned something about myself recently. I shouldn't be allowed to go to weddings. That's not a good thing for me. I went to my cousin's wedding this weekend, and I cussed out the maid of honor. She was a bitch. She deserved it, though. Listen, understand something. At my cousin's wedding, all the groomsmen were my cousins and my friends I knew my whole life, right?
And I didn't get to hang out with them the whole time. I wasn't really into weddings. So when we started eating and stuff like that, I finished eating early. I went to go talk to my cousins who were sitting at the groomsmen and the bridesmaids table, right? And the maid of honor called me over and she was like, hey, can you come here real quick?
We're all over here eating and you kind of bothering us. So can you come back later? And then I was very confused. So I said, respectfully, get the fuck out of my face, right? And then a fat bitch came out. There's always a fat bitch around somewhere. She came out and she was like, hey, who the fuck even is he? And I went, bitch, Google me, right? The coolest shit I've ever said in my life, dog.
And then I walked outside. I was like, hell yeah. But I had to make sure I was Google-able first, right? So then I Googled myself and it came up Cam Patterson. That was cool, but I scrolled a little bit. And then it said, Cam Patterson, the worst comedian of all time. I said, wait a minute. Bitch don't Google me, hoe. Don't do that at all.
And then later that night, I found out that it was kind of mad at me because I may or may not have said, I'll slap the fuck out you, bitch. And listen, hear me out. Understand something. I never said nothing like that. But if I did, I fucking meant it. Oh, I've been capable. Thank y'all so much. Hell yeah.
It was pretty stupid. I really cussed that bitch out, too. Fuck that whole dumbass bitch. It pissed me the fuck off, dawg. It really made me angry, man. It was uncalled for, stupid fucking whore.
She was tripping, bro. Like, I don't even know who that bitch was. Right.
I wouldn't eat real bad, goof ass. I should have slapped that. I don't hit women. But if I was a bitch, I would have beat the fuck out of that hoe. I'll tell you that much. If that makes sense.
Yeah, if I was a bitch, I'd beat her ass.
Nobody want that fat ass, goofy ass bitch. Hope you looking at this shit too, bitch. You dirty ass, fat ass fucking bitch.
I didn't do it. I wanted to. I didn't do it, though.
No. I don't fuck a fat bitch. We talked about this earlier. We talked about this before.
I would've fucked that fat bitch. She was nicer. I would've fucked her.
Yeah, my cousin Natron was there. That was cool.
Black as shit. What are black weddings like? Have you ever been to a white wedding? I've never been to one. That was my first wedding ever. Is it like a public park?
I don't know, man. You don't really need them at your house, for real.
You don't really need a smoke detector for real. You don't need one. If you smoke inside, it's kind of going to fuck up the house. You know what I'm saying? It's going to do its job too good. You know what I'm saying? So you never replace it. It's genius.
Yeah, my auntie tried to fuck my homeboy. That was weird. Okay. Yeah, my auntie older. She older.
My auntie old, though. Not old, but she older. You know what I'm saying? And she got drunk a lot. And my homeboy Omar, he a bigger dude. He look like he should be in the NFL and shit. And I'm 25, he 26. And the whole time, she was like, you got to come Uncle Omar soon. And that was making me angry, because he wasn't moving. He was just standing there, like, letting her feel him and shit.
And I couldn't beat him up, because he was too big.
Well, that's why you're not going to hit her. Before she lost weight, that's what she was.
What? There's no way. They got good armor on them. They've been pitting on their whole life, nigga. You know what I'm saying? Their whole life, dude. It's a strong bitch, though. It's a strong bitch.
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Who the fuck thought you was white, man?
Well, I got to sit next to the psychopaths. Yeah.
How we get gay so fast? How we get gay so fucking fast, man?
I hope that bitch cheat on you, nigga.
Whoa, wait a minute, Pauls.
Well, they tried to charge me for it. They tried to charge me $2,000 for it. And we called them to a nice little dark room. And we got the website out of them. So it's good.
I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought. That was my guess. I thought he sold earrings and shit. Huh? Because it's fucking earrings, dickhead. Look at his earrings.
Like, you do not call me girl. That is not nice, no.
No. That's my accent. That's it. That's how I like it.
Hit her with that curry hammer, nigga. That's what I was gonna say.
Lizzo, Lizzo, hey, look, I ain't gonna hold you back. Wait, who? Madonna don't have no ass.
Adele? Yeah. You fucking with Lizzo? Hell yeah. I'd rather do Lizzo than Taylor. I broke the shit out of Lizzo now. Hell yeah, as long as I can find a hole. She got skinny a little bit. She's still big, but she got a little better. You think she's skinny? She was fat before. She is morbidly obese. No, she look better now. Look at Lizzo right now.
Back then, I would fucking not tell nobody, and now I will fucking tell somebody. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, we could make it happen, baby.
With a vagina ear. You wouldn't even believe it. She can get fucked, though. I'll fuck the shit out of Lizzo right now. Okay, y'all not with me. Fuck out.
Well, yeah, she got a little better.
What'd I do to you? First thing he say is, Cam, fuck you.
Michael, what were you saying, Michael? He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on. Well, as easy as one, two, three. I was like, hey.
I said, hey, where you getting all this money from? And he looked me in my face and said, my investment paid off. Black rock.
I'm too drunk to respond to that right now, Tony. How you feel about that? You like black people? Oh, absolutely. Hell yeah.
I'll do your taxes for you. Don't worry about it. They said that shit look real good. It's whoopee right there. What'd you say? Boy, that outside is really fucked up, nigga.
Did you just use the word spunky, nigga? It's 2025. You just said spunky, nigga?
They set you up right now.
Why you pop that ass this way? You got no ass at all, man.
That shit terrible, dog.
I think she escaped. I think she escaped. I don't think she's supposed to be free. I think this is an insane person. It's a mental patient. We need to help her right now. Why did they send you to prison at 17?
Got his fucking shirt, man.
Yeah, it's a donkey with gold teeth, man.
Oh, I know what that is. That's a pastry, ain't it?
I be around the world now, so I be seeing shit now, but I know what a kolache is, nigga. How do you spell it? Fuck you. Hell, dog. See you. Wrong. See you. Oh, C-A, nigga, C-A.
Whoa, what are we talking about? What's going on? Who's sucking dick? What do you mean sucking dick? What's going on?
I kept fucking up a lot.
You did good. We had three lines. It took four days. Because reading is hard. I don't know if y'all know that or not. What are they?
I don't know. Can we do that?
It was a word that just kept fucking me up, dawg.
Yeah, carpal tunnel, a hard word.
I couldn't say carpal tunnel for fuck, man. It's two words. Carpal tunnel is two words? Yeah.
I thought it was together. Two words? Yeah. Oh, I'm a dumbass. I haiku. Good to know. Thank you, John. Whoever said, spell it, I'll kill your grandma, nigga, I swear to God. Spell grandma. I can spell grandma. This is fun. G-A-R-A-M. Oh, my God. Oh, G-A-R-A-D-M-A.
I might have been drinking a little bit. Fuck y'all, man. Life is good. Your grandma has carpal tunnel. I can smell carpal tunnel. You don't believe me?
You can kick me in the dick for $500. I want half a million, nigga, and you can do whatever you want.
You going to a fat strip club or something? Yes. All right, listen, I got it. Carpal tunnel. Wait, so it's two words, right? Yeah. All right. First one, carpool.
I got it. Hold up. Here you go. C-A-R. Carpool.
Let me do it. I got it, I got it, I got it. Hold on, give me some. I got it, I got it. Here we go. C-A-R-P-A-L. That's carpool fuck, nigga. Yeah, that's one word. Here we go. Tunnel. Tunnel is easy. Here we go. Sure. T-U-N-N-L. Fuck you, bitch. E-L. Is that it? Carpal tunnel? Are you done guessing? I got the rest up here. Go. F-U-C-K-N-I-G-G-A. Carpal tunnel. Fuck, nigga. Hell yeah.
Where's sweat come from?
Ain't Mario Italian, nigga? Yeah, yeah. Him and Luigi. Wasn't I supposed to say the M word is Trump?
Ooh, I know what that is. That's a dish.
Yeah, nigga, it's a dish. And you put, like, you got, like, little bacon bits in there. Oh, my God. That is incredible.
Type shit. Type shit. Hell, yeah. And y'all thought the same thing I was going to do there, huh? Fuck all y'all pussy ass people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's an asshole, right? Say it again. Say it again. A shfigatel. Oh, yeah. That motherfucker a shfigatel.
Let me just... If you do one good review or something, I'm losing customers here, man.
This is a complete lie, by the way, everybody.
His whole captain, they're Russians. They're used to that shit.
I tour doing Russian comedy, American comedy. I own the restaurant and I just try to do as many mics, as many shows as possibly can. And I do fucking well. I mean. Yeah. And I'm lucky to be here. Thank you so much for this opportunity.
I was born in Soviet Union. My family moved to United States from Russia in 1998. And out of all the cities in US, my homophobic father picked San Francisco. There are only three types of people that live in San Francisco. It's gays, Asians, and gay Asians. My family moved here in 98, but in 2010 I moved back to Russia to do stand-up comedy there.
Moving from United States to Russia to do comedy is a lot like moving from Canada to Afghanistan to play hockey. It's a fucking terrible idea. But I gotta tell you, Russian comics are as tough as Russian soldiers. They prefer bombing. American comedy and Russian comedy are very different, but we do have one thing in common. No one likes female comics. Thank you guys so much.
Since 1998. Okay. But I keep going back and forth to Russia a lot for comedy.
I guess so. I'm from California. I voted twice the same day.
Started doing Russian comedy in 2010. Moved back in 13. I own a Russian restaurant in San Diego. Business is not doing very well after the war started. Fucking Americans stopped coming. What do you serve, like pierogies and stuff? Yeah, pierogies, borscht. You guys come over to Pushkin, I'll take care of you.
My wife hires all the most beautiful girls to work there. It's really tough. It's tough for you.
A business not doing so well after the war, and my Ukrainian employees hung a huge Ukrainian flag on the window, and the Russians stopped coming also, so... I need some more customers, God damn it.
I had to make it into a hookah bar because people stopped coming in. I think Russian hookah bar is fair because smoking is also bad for your health, just like Russia.
Hell yeah. He just did a fucked up impression of me. That pissed me the fuck off. How you gonna beat me before I go up, you dirty bitch? That made me angry as shit. And Kamala said, what the fuck? I'm doing it right now, as you can tell. That's my voice, bitch. It's good, though. You know what's funny? I feel good doing comedy, dog.
I feel like I'm inspiring young black men to do better in life, dog. That's not funny, bitch. That's good, I am, like, I was walking down the street that day, a dude came up to me, said, but y'all understand something, bro? Like, seeing your ass do stand up and shit, like, cutting out the trenches, that made me want to change my life, like, real shit, dog.
Like, yesterday was my last day ever selling dope. And I was like, that's beautiful, dog, hell yeah. What do you do now? And he was like, I just do security and logistics. And I was like, what the fuck does that mean? And he said, nigga, I'm a pimp, I sell pussy. Which is insane, which is, like, I don't even, I don't think I helped him at all, dog. He went from drug trafficking to sex trafficking.
Nigga, that's crazy. That's worse, actually. I like telling that joke because half of y'all laugh because that's funny. And the rest of y'all was like, how the fuck this nigga know the word logistics? And... I'm done. Thank you so much.
Well, it's the west side and then it's the east side, and there's a lot of Puerto Ricans and shit over there. And then the west side is black. Perfect. Where's Disney? See, this... Thank you for asking.
But Disney not in fucking Orlando, though. Disney is 30 minutes away in Kissimmee. Wow.
Everybody go, Orlando is Disney. No, the fuck we not! Wow. Fucking... Fuck, fuck Disney World, nigga.
They're 30 minutes away, so it's easy to be like, oh, it's Orlando, but it's at Kissimmee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So everybody will say, yeah, yeah, it's in Orlando, but it's not. They keep Disney away from niggas like me, man.
Far away from niggas like me. Okay.
Fuck no. Fuck Disney World. Why? It's pussy. It's for kids, man. And any grown adult that likes Disney past the age of four is fucking gay.
Yeah. Natron? Yeah, real shit. That's hilarious. That's real shit? Really? His name is Natron, yeah.
Yeah, my cousin. Holy shit.
Only at the end, though. What does Natron do for a living? He do a lot of shit. He do about... Well, I got to stop talking about him on this show, because last time he got fired. But... But he do a bouncy house shit like that. A what? Like he got a bouncy house business. A bouncy house business? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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It was funny. You remember that? He's no longer with us. What did I say?
Yeah, just a bunch of unlocked cars and shit like that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
He was the funniest nigga, like, ever, dog. I remember I was, when I first started on stand-up, he came back on stand-up with my dad and shit, and I told him, I said, you want to come down to town with me and, like, you know what I'm saying, like, just watch some shows? He said, where your shows at again? I said, they're downtown. He said, I can't do that, nigga.
If I go with you downtown, you going to be doing your little funny shit, and I'm going to be looking back, well, okay, I'm smoking crack somewhere, so I really can't go with you. But I loved it. It was great. That wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be, but that's fine. I get it. That's okay. Sometimes it don't hit that well.
You can't make the funny faces to us. I wanted y'all to see me be retarded for a second. That was fun. It was good, man. This guy look aggravated. What's wrong with you, dickhead? I'm tired of this nigga, man. This lumberjack Texas fella.
I know no crackheads in my life, none. I can't do a white accent, I realize that. Wait, yeah, you really can.
That's my... What the fuck was that?
Uh-uh. Wow. I can only do one impression. Yeah, what is it? It's a, you know, you ever seen Chowder?
Yeah, clam. It's an old cartoon show, and there was a dude under his name, Schnitzel, but he don't talk. All he said, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada. That's all I like. And he was black, but that's all he said, though. That's all, look it up, that's all he said. Rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada, rada. I believe you. And he was black though, he was black.
Wow, what was that on? Cartoon Network. Okay. Hell yeah.
She was fine, fuck with it, I liked it a lot. It was just a black cartoon? No, it was a white, it was for everybody. They just had one black character? I mean, they was all like fictional niggas. They was like, you feel me?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That last guy had like a slave owner voice. He's very terrible. You know what's crazy? I went to a Colorado Buffalo game recently, and I had on the uniform, I had like a jacket on, and a bunch of white people just thought I was a recruit, and I was the funniest shit ever. They're like, he can't be here to read. It's not a reader, it's a running back. Nigga, this is crazy.
And it was cool, because I was in line the whole time. One lady was like, are you going to go here? Are you going to come here? I was like, I might. I'm thinking about it a little bit. I got three schools lined up right now. It's Florida, Georgia, and here. You feel me? And then she was like, but you can't beat these views. And I wanted to be funny, so I was like, you can't beat the white bitches.
And then I walked off, and she was very confused. She was thoroughly confused. I also watched the Mike Tyson fight, and that was terrible. But listen, my favorite part about the whole fight was before, when they asked him how the fight was going to go, and he said, vicious victory. And he turned around, and his ass was out, right? Right? And you know what's crazy to me?
Anybody else in this room, as a grown man in a room with other grown men, if you have your ass out, that's gay, right? But for Mike Tyson, that might have been the straightest shit I've ever seen in my life, you know? It was crazy. I'll tell you one thing. The cameraman, right, the cameraman, when he turned around, it was like a full view of the room, right? And then he zooted on his ass.
Now, that guy, gay as fuck, dog. That's... I've been Kevin. Thank y'all so much. Boom.
What up? Fuck yeah. That was fun, man.
Hell yeah. I was there since Wednesday. I did seven shows. Thank y'all. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Seven shows. That show's a real blessing, bro. Amazing. You got to meet Dion? Hell yeah. I froze like a motherfucker, boy. You what? I froze because his manager's a big fan. He liked to show and shit. So he said, come out. You know what I'm saying? Who's the fan? His manager. One of his managers.
Oh, wow. And so I went to the practice. I seen everything, dog. And I met him. And I was like, what's up, Mr. Dion? I was like, I could have got cut from the team. I was really nervous. But I was happy, dog. I was happy to be there. You feel what I'm saying? That shit was dope.
The funniest shit, my dad, you know, that's like my dad's hero, nigga. So my dad was like, I'm going to talk to him. He was on the plane, like, thinking of a plan, what to say, and he got in, and he was like, hey, Dion! Hey, prom time! I'm ready. And then Dion was like, for what? And my dad was like, I ain't think that far ahead into the conversation. I want you all ready.
I want you all ready as fuck. That's all it was. Did your dad and Dion compare their fucked up feet? No, they should have. That would have been fucking funny. That'd have been funny as shit. But you know what's funny? My dad got his toes done. We talk about it so much. He got pedicured? Yeah, so people will see them and they don't look bad no more. He don't got like slave feet no more. Damn.
Crack those toes back to where they belong.
It is incredible. My mama always said, because we got the same feet, you feel me? My mama would always say, if he didn't claim you as your son, then you tore your toes, and that's how you get it done, you know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. You got the same feet.
Nobody ever seen my feet. Everybody in this room would die right now, I swear to God, nigga. Yeah.
That's a thing? But it's a thing, right? They all look very confused. I will not agree or disagree. I'll tell you that much. It is a thing. I don't know all black people's feet. My mama got good feet. No weird shit.
That sounded pretty weird when I said it. My mama probably got good feet. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Who knows?
Huh? No! No! Hell no! Fuck, fuck no! Are you fucking crazy? No! My mama ain't got, she don't even got feet, nigga, she just float and shit. She just be float, that's all she do, she float. She don't got feet, titties, or ass, she just a fucking ray of sunshine, that's what my mama is. She a fucking spectacle of a person. It's not even real, she is a voice. That's all she is. She a voice.
Somehow it didn't work for some reason. They didn't like it.
They don't enjoy it right now. Fuck right with you niggas. Y'all like it? Okay. They seem very scared now.
What the fuck do you mean a wig, Redman?
That's rigor mortis, man. What it is? Rigor mortis? Rigor mortis? Rigor mortis.
Rigor mortis. That been kicking in. Yeah, yeah.
Fuck extraterrestrials and shit. Hell yeah.
Hell, yeah. Street Ozempic is just heroin. I hope you know that. That's how that is. This is gonna be the happy St. Patrick's Day, white people. Hell, yeah. Yeah. I fucking hate this holiday. Nigga, it's terrible. It's the gayest holiday ever. It's an excuse for white people to get drunk and then try to touch you. That's all it is. Oh, you don't have on green, I see.
I'm gonna punch the fuck out you, Tim. Back the fuck up, nigga. I hate it. It's so... The mascot is gay. The mascot is gay. Yeah. Leprechauns are gay, man. Leprechaun was the first gay nigga ever. That's what that is. If you find me behind this rainbow, I got some gold for you. That's gay. There's gonna be a midget with his dick out when you get back there.
With no gold, he's just gonna piss on you. That's all that's gonna happen. It's good old fashioned golden shower, brother. Even like how you spell leprechaun is gay. For real. Watch it. I'ma spell it. Watch this. L. GPTQ. That's gay. Nigga, gay as hell. Y'all thought I was finna spell leprechaun, huh? Fuck, nigga. This is crazy. That's it. That's the time.
Ooh, glad to get out of that one, dog. That was...
Hell yeah, man. I'm happy.
Yeah, yeah. How's life going, my friend? Life's good. I just bought really good toilet paper the other day. Ooh, nice. And I'm excited about it.
It's that Sherman shit with the bear, nigga. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. We got the bear on it now. We're doing it. We're doing good shit.
Shit, that good old-fashioned... See, we always get Airbnbs on the road, and I just steal... Me and all my homies, we just steal the toilet paper from the Airbnbs. Wow. That's what we was doing, but now I got that Charmin. Wow. I think it's Charmin. You know what it's called? How you call it? Not Sherman. Sherman? Charmin. I like Sherman better. That's a better name for it. You know what?
You can call it whatever you want. Old-fashioned Charmin. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. I like it. Huh, Charmin? I cannot spell that note. Hell, fuck no. Hell, dog.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You won't hear from the vice president tonight.
My grandma hates you, nigga. She doesn't mean it. Yeah, the fuck she does.
Oh, fuck! Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet? Nigga, I ain't got shit to say. I say this, I just learned how to do that backstage and I thought that was gonna be pretty fucking funny if I could've pulled it off. But it would've been cool to do that in like 1932. You take over a whole fucking town, nigga. They'll be like, this nigga's a witch and a nigga. What the fuck going on here, man?
I tell you this, I fucked Barack Obama, nigga. Not for the reasons you think, brother. That nigga was too happy. No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of the United States. And I was like, what is that? And then she said he made the rules for the country.
And Cam, you could even be the first black president of the United States. And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president, and that fuck nigga took my dreams from me. And I sold crack the next day. All right, that's it. I'm done.
What the fuck? I think that's a great fucking joke. That's one of my favorite jokes. That's a great joke. All right, whatever you say, brother. I'll bet that bitch dressing like a motherfucker, Tony. I didn't have shit. I was like, this water thing ain't the only thing I have right now, I swear to God.
It almost worked. Were you using a napkin? What happened there? It was a magnet. It was supposed to be magic, nigga. I was doing magic. Cam, I'm just curious, what was supposed to happen with the Upside Down Cup? It was supposed to stay like that. And then what? And then that was it.
I did that same thing in Boston, and they loved it, but they dumb, so it's... You did what, the water trick? Oh, they fucking lost their minds in Boston. You don't like it? No, what, the water trick? Yeah. Oh, I love the water trick. You love the water trick. I just learned that shit in Boston. It was dope.
I was so confident in it. I can't believe it. Not going to hold you. Listen, real shit, it was easy. I was going to do that. I was going to come up and just start jerking for like two minutes, nigga. That was it. That's all I had.
I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good. Man, that shit is terrible, nigga. Why? It's just not good. I don't got no beefs to it. It's not good. It's not good. We'll figure it out. Fuck it. It's all right. I think it was good. Yeah, it's good. Trust me, it's good. It's good.
Well, I got to follow the Star Spangled Banner, nigga. This crazy. Now, you know, I went back home for Christmas. It was great. My first thing about Christmas, I got a little money now, so I like to go give homeless people food and shit. But I like to play games with them.
So I went and got 100 pieces of chicken wings, and I went to a park with a bunch of homeless people, and I gave all the chicken wings to one homeless nigga. And I called it Cam's Hunger Games. May the odds be in your favor, nigga. My favorite thing was I realized that me and my family, we can't play charades. We don't play it right. It's not a good game for my family.
Because in charades, you can't really talk. You got to just act shit out. And my uncle got a card, and this is all he did, I swear to God. He just went... And then my auntie went, 2004. What the fuck that mean? I have no idea. My grandma just said, cocaine. And then nobody got it right, and I picked the card up, and the card said, penthouse.
And I said, how did that even make sense to be a penthouse? And my uncle went, you don't get it? We got cocaine, strippers, and you upstairs. Got my time. I'll do that. Cam Patterson. What's up?
Life is good. Like, pretty great, man. You do have slides on you. Every time. Nigga, we did Madison Square Garden, but this shit pretty cool, though.
I was finna get a pedicure, but my toes need armor. I realized that.
Okay. Yeah, I was just saying the weirdest shit, man.
Do you sell cocaine, Joe Biden? Why you dressed like that, nigga?
I can spell that real easy. T-E-M-U.
Yeah, nigga! I spell fucking phenomenally.
In your dreams. You talking about the T? Huh? The T? The who?
You're not gonna be here next year, nigga.
Shit, nothing really. I did a show this weekend. My cousin brought her boyfriend, and she 22 and he 36, so we were trying to figure that out. I thought about killing him, but he was scary, so we couldn't do that. That wasn't a good option. Have you met him already? I just met him. Yeah, I met him this weekend. What was that like?
It was strange because he threatened to kill her brother, which is my other cousin, and I didn't know how to talk to that. You know what I'm saying? So that's going on right now. There's a lot going on. I don't know. I can't even make that funny. That's just life, nigga. What's that in your hand? He gave me a fruit by the foot. The old president, nigga.