Carson Olshansky
Appearances
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I don't need to see anyone. I can just go to my house for the holidays and put myself inside house prison and then I'll be safe. Yeah. Do you think this is a good idea? No.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
You did miss the most dramatic thing that happened. I mean, I think I got sort of a teaser of it. Yeah. The real thing is that I went dumbass mode. And I don't usually drive places because I live in a walkable city. So my car keys are just like a thing that doesn't really exist to me.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah, that seems right. But Tessa is 19. So she's like, this is absolutely going to work. Yeah. By the time Tessa arrives, her plane touches down in the land of a thousand hymns where she is exhausted. And also it is so hot because famously south of the equator, Christmastime is summertime. Her mom picks her up at the airport, drives her the million miles home.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And when she arrives, she's like, I'm so tired. Her dad's in his armchair. And he has his like crutches nearby because this man had to have his hip replaced because of some like long ago's college sports injury. And so he's like barely mobile. So he calls Tessa over and he's like, I'm so glad you're home. It's so good to see you. And she's like, it's so good to see you.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And then he like kind of like menacingly is like, I got to talk to you later about something. They eat dinner. Tessa's like watching him with concern because she's like, what on earth does this man have to say to me? And after dinner, he pulls her aside and is like, Tessa, you know, I've been like laid up and injured. And she's like, yes, I'm aware of that.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And he's like, OK, I need your help with like all the Christmas chores. OK. And Tessa's like, well, yeah, that makes perfect sense. Right. Like classic parent ask. What kind of holiday traditions do you have in your family? So we are Jewish.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
My only Christmas tradition is that every year I watch every Twilight movie. So I'm not also I'm also not doing a lot of Christmas traditions. Yeah. In this family, every Christmas is the same. Okay. Christmas Eve is like a small dinner at home. And then on Christmas morning, they drive two hours to the city where Tessa's plane landed. And that's where her mom's family lives.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
So they do like big Christmas there. Everyone opens their presents. They have a big dinner, etc.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
We like the family. Yeah. Everyone feels good about that. So Tessa's like, whatever. There's always chores around Christmas. Like, what kind of chores do you want me to do? And for the most part, these are normal, right? The dad's like, I need you to help me put up the Christmas tree. I need Christmas cookies for the neighbors. We got to put the lights up. Like, normal stuff.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
But there's one more thing. And he's like, I need your help with your mother's Christmas gift. Okay. Okay. There are like a couple reasons that this is annoying to Tessa. The first is that she's like, there are only like four days until Christmas, right? Like this is stressful timing. You've now given me like four chores, including a present for my mother. Yeah.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And so I put them on the floor of the rental car and then they became stuck in the like rib cage of the rental car seat. And then I could not find them. And so we spent like 45 minutes in a pure terror. Poor Alex was Googling like how to get new keys for car while I was like hyperventilating. So you're lucky that you missed that.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
The second reason is that Tessa's parents are so annoying about Christmas. They always demand to open each other's gifts at the big family party. And then they do this like little sketch that they do every year. Her dad opens her mom's gift. Say it's like a George Foreman grill or whiskey stones or a puzzle game or a Yeti cooler. And he's like, I hate it. It's impractical.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
It takes up counter space. I don't want this. Yeah. Her mom opens her dad's gift and say it's, you know, an automatic wine opener or a Snuggie or a fancy piece of cookware. And she's like, this is too expensive and it looks cheap and it isn't like me at all. And it is so uncomfortable for everyone in this Christmas room. Yeah. How do you feel about this, like, tiff?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Exactly. And so it's like, it's the eye rolling. And it's also the fact that Tessa knows like the reality of these people's lives, which is that when they go home, they use the gifts that they have gotten each other every single day. So Tessa knows that this is a play fighting joke. Does everyone know that this is not necessarily like the vibes are not great.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I love this as a theory. I think it's totally possible. Like I don't know why they do this. Like we did not get an answer. But it's like there's something about this kind of couple that like – Like, I know couples like this where it's like they pick at each other in front of people and you're like, I don't really love that your, like, love language is public fighting. Like, could you just stop?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Like, this is not – everyone else is unhappy here.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
So Tess's dad has now asked her to become involved not only in getting the gift, but like in this whole situation. Yeah. And he can sense her hesitation. And he's like, don't worry. I already have the perfect gift. Like she's definitely going to love it this year. He says this every year. And Tess is like, I don't believe you. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Like this year is different.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I already called ahead. The gift is in stock. All you have to do is go get it. What do you think about this?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah, exactly. Tessa's like, fine. Like, whatever. Like, what is the present? And he tells her that it is a very beautiful, very fancy handbag. Do you think that this is a good gift? You said it's a handbag? Oh, see? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say handbag. I said ham bag. H-A-M-B-A-G. Okay.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Do you know what a ham bag is? I mean, I know what ham is and I know what a bag is. Yes, you're pretty fucking close already. In this land of like down under chaos, they have some sort of fun and exciting Christmas traditions. One of them is like to go to the beach dressed as Santa, I guess. But they also have ham bag.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
A ham bag is a cotton bag with a drawstring at the top that is made for storing ham. Ham is like the traditional meat of this country's Christmas, I guess. And because Christmas time is in the summer, all these like flat white lovers don't like a hot roast. They want cold meat, like sliced ham. And so they have a nice big luncheon.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And because of this, you have so much ham and the ham needs to be stored. And so you have a ham bag where you put the ham so it doesn't dry out in the fridge. Okay. Do you think this is a good gift?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yes. Tessa is like, what kind of fucking drugs did they give you when you got out of surgery? Like you buy a handbag at the supermarket. You buy a handbag is like an extra little thing in line. Like it's like giving your partner a scrub daddy for Christmas. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Tess is like, Dad, you can't not give mom a handbag. And he's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
It's a special handbag. It's high quality. First off, it's linen and cotton. Second off, it's hand embroidered by a local artist. You're paying for art. It's really high quality. It's like bespoke even. For an item that you're going to put a bunch of greasy ham into.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tessa is like, dad, no one wants a hand embroidered handbag. And he's like, your mom complains every year about the quality of the handbags. Like, she's going to love it. And Tessa's like, no, she's not. And her dad is like, will you please just help me? Like, I can't drive. You have to go into town to get it. Town is like, you know, the bigger town nearby with cute stuff. It is a 30 minute drive.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tessa's like, oh, my God, fine. It's like, I'll go. He's like, great. It's in this little like shoppy shop in town. Usually when I say the word shoppy shop, what I mean is a store that like carries grata olive oil, right? Like it has like adorable mugs and great incense and like little plants that you'll kill, right? Like that's the vibe. Yeah. Yeah.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And so Tessa's like, the handbag that you want me to get is from the store that carries like these weird, strange tchotchkes that like I don't think anyone wants. And he's like, yes. She's like, great. He's like, do you know where it is? She's like, oh, yeah, I bought like mom bought your whiskey stones last year there, which you claim to hate and use every day. Yeah. He's like, great.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
So you know it. So the next day, three days before Christmas, she drives into town. It takes 45 minutes because there's traffic from people going to buy gifts. It's hard to park. She finally finds a place. She goes like strolling up to the store and she's looking in the window. And there at the counter is Erica. What do you do?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Absolutely. There are like absolutely physical changes, probably haircut, probably ripped, right? Like she's looking different. But in her heart, she is not feeling different.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Oh, I'm so sorry. So thank you for not stealing my car keys. Not thank you to me for losing them. I'm so glad I didn't. Carson, would you like to start me off with a classic first question and tell me what your relationship with gossip is?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I would hide. Okay, that's correct. Tessa is like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. She ducks. She like runs at a half stoop back to her car and she's like, I cannot believe this. Like, I do not want to see this girl. I'm also like not dressed cute because I just came into town to get this stupid ham bag.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She will become more farther gone. She's like, I can't go in there. Right. I'm not going in there. I don't look cute. I have been dreading and also hoping with every bone in my body to see this girl. I cannot go in there. And she's also like, is her hair shorter? Like, it looked shorter. Okay. Are you brave when faced with a crush? No. What level of bravery do you have?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, sorry. She's not paying. She's working at the counter.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
That is a great point that like the script exists. Yeah. Like if you're in a foreign country and you barely speak the language, you can interact with customer service people because there's only ever like eight things that people say to each other, right? Like the script is easy. Tessa does not think this. Tessa is not brave. She drives back home. Uh-huh. She's like, dad, I didn't get the handbag.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I'm going to go get it tomorrow. He's like, okay, great. She spends the evening like doing chores, right? Her mom has been doing like so much lately because her dad is hurt. And Tessa like makes the Christmas cookies he needs. She cleans the kitchen. Her mom is like so happy. And she's like, thank you so much. Like I feel so underwater. There's like so much to do.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And usually your dad is like super good at helping, but he just like can't when he's on crutches. And she's like, and I'm just feeling so tired. Like, thank you for your help. And Tessa is like, you're so welcome. But then in her heart, she's like, we cannot get this woman a handbag. Yeah. Do you think that she should find an alternative gift? No. This is her dad's problem.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yes. Tessa is like, dad, we cannot get her a handbag. And her dad is like, we're getting her a handbag. And she's like, okay. Yeah. The next day, she wakes up. She becomes dressed. She becomes cute. She drives 45 minutes. She looks through the window of the shop and Erica is there again at the register. And she's like, no, no, I can't do this. She goes to the coffee shop across the street.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She's like, I don't want to interact with Erica. I'll just wait until her shift is over or she goes on her break or something. And then I'll dart in.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah. And it's also like there's a clear limit on the interaction time because you're buying something. Yeah, exactly. Like you're not like, it's not like you ran into her at a bar and it's like, well, if I go talk to her, I could get stuck there for 45 minutes and then I might reveal all of my secrets. Right. Like it's like.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah. You have options. In some ways, I'm like, this is the best way to run into a crush. Tessa does not think this. She's like, I'm going to be staking this out. Have you ever staked out a crush? No. No. Yeah. I think that's the normal response. I just figured I'd ask. Tessa waits and waits and waits. And eventually Erica leaves. And Tessa's like, her jeans look so good. She looks incredible.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Good question. They are a little bit baggier than they've been in the past. Okay. Isn't that interesting? That's so interesting. She's like, that's so interesting. And also, I have to go now, right? Like, she's left, I have to go. So Tessa, like, darts in.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
We did not. And whether there are any new tattoos? We did not. We are across the street. Okay. Okay, go on. Tessa goes over. She like darts in. She's looking around. There's like, you know, Christmas scented candles and like weird wooden objects and like those tiny leather pouches that I don't know what they're for. And finally she finds the handbag.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And it is embroidered on the outside with like native flowers and like several little pigs. And there's like a card to the side with like a bio for the artist. Okay. Okay. And then she looks at the price and it is $60. All right. And Tessa is like, I'm a college kid. Like, I don't have $60. Oh, her dad didn't give her money? Her dad did not give her money.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And she's like, I'm not spending $60 out of my, like, debit account. Yeah. If we have not discussed me getting reimbursed for this. Yeah. Do you agree with that? Yeah, I'd probably call my dad and be like, hey. Yeah. Tessa's like, I'm going to call my dad. I'm going to figure this out. But before she can call her dad, Erica returns from her break. I'm so surprised. What a surprise.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And Tessa is like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She ducks behind a row of postcards. She sneaks out the door. She tries to like dart out of it really fast. But like many shops, it has a bell on the fucking door. So when she goes out, it's like, bing! She hasn't scoped this out? Not at all. That's a rookie move. She runs to the car. She's, like, out of breath. What do you do at this point?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yes. I also think it's like there is a version of avoiding someone that is like creating an advantage for yourself, right? Like you're like, I want to see them when I look hot in a situation where I'm prepared to see them. Like that is like creating power for yourself, right? At this point, every moment that you don't see her is self-sabotage. Yeah. Right?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Like, you're creating bad things for yourself in this avoidance. Tess is like, I can't do it. She drives home. And she's like, I cannot buy the handbag, Dad. Like, Mom will never forgive you for buying a handbag. She's at this point reaching. She's like, it's ridiculous for a handbag to cost $60. This is true.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She's like, also, Mom will talk about it constantly for the rest of our lives and ruin everything. And in her heart, she's like, I cannot go back in there. Yeah. And her dad is like, I'll give you the money. Why didn't you just call me? I would have like reimbursed. I would have told you that I would reimburse you. And Tess is like, no, I don't want to do it. I don't want to get the handbag.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And her dad's like, how much? And Tess is like, what? And he's like, if I gave you $100 in cash and you got to keep $40 for yourself, would you do this? Would I? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I already would have done it. Now you're being paid. Yeah. Tessa's like, fine. Like, $40 is a lot for me. I want a treat. I'm a college student. She's like, here's the deal.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
$40 and you take my involvement in this to the grave. Like, do not tell mom. He's like, deal. Deal.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Now it is the third day and she must return to the town. Does she get even cuter than the second day? She sure does. She gets even cuter. It's like hair done, light makeup, like we're looking great. How do you play this?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Oh. You know, like, how's college? Okay, game. I love it. Tessa is, like, delusional 100%, right? And she's like, my plan actually worked last time. I was just too slow. So again, she goes and sits in the coffee shop. She's like wearing giant sunglasses. She's wearing a hat, right? She's got like a newspaper. No one reads the newspaper. She's waiting for Erica to leave. Finally, Erica leaves.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And you think that that's because you missed out on some kind of like training.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She like hurries across the street. Tessa finds the handbag. And her dad was like, get the cream handbag. But now she's looking and there's also like a gorgeous olive color. And she's like, that's my mom's favorite color. So she's like, fuck it. I'm making myself complicit. I'm getting the green.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
like don't have any role in this let it be your dad's problem tessa picks up the green one just as she picks it up she has learned from her past mistakes and so she hears the bell on the shop door ding and erica has returned from her break and erica is like oh my god tessa you're back and tessa's like oh my god erica hi just like for the break and then erica hugs her And Tessa is swooning, right?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She's like, my knees feel weak. My tongue is maybe dead. Like, I can never say anything at all. And Erica's like, can I help you, like, find anything? Tessa's holding an olive green $60 handbag in her hands. And she's like, yeah, I'm looking for a handbag. Erica, like, looks at her, looks at the handbag, looks back up at her and is like, I think you've found it.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And Tess is like, ha ha ha ha ha, yeah, I mean, this is what I'm gonna get. And Erica's like, oh, you're getting the handbag? And Tess is like, Yes, I'm getting the ham bag. And Erica's like, everyone is obsessed with the ham bag this year. And Tess is like, it's a beautiful ham bag. And Erica's like, yeah, it keeps the ham so moist. It's a real dream. This is my nightmare.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
No, Carson. You're like pulling up people's Instagrams from 2014 being like, look at this. Yeah. Wow, that's hard. You are very visible on social media. You're posting. We're both posting all the time. What is this I have heard about Cara Delevingne commenting on your Instagram reel? What is this? Explain.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yes. This is also where I'm like, you need a wing band, right? If you're going into this situation where you have to interact with your crush, you need a friend. Yeah. To just like elbow you as hard as they can in the ribs when you start saying things like, it's a beautiful ham bag. Yeah. Tessa's like, I want to die, right? Like she's with you. She's like, this is terrible. This is awful.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I'm now having an extended conversation about a ham bag with this girl I have always thought is cute who has a septum ring. Huge. She's like, that makes this worse somehow. Yes. Erica's like, okay, great. I'm so glad you found the handbag. Like, is there anything else I can get you? Just ask Erica a single question about her life. Just one. Just one. That would be a great idea.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tessa looks frantically around and she's like, she sees a bunch of teapots and she's like, yeah, I need a individual teapot. No. She does not need this. But once she said it, Erica leads her over there. There go her $40 and then some. Ding, ding, ding. Erica picks one up and puts it in Tessa's hands. And Tessa's like, are we touching hands? We're touching hands.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And Tessa's like, oh, my God, it's so cute because it's like an individual teapot. It's little. And Erica is like, yeah, very. But she's looking at Tessa. Is this flirting? Like not enough information to say so far, but it's not discouragement. Tessa's like, huh? She's like, I'll take it because she's like, I want. Yes, I'll take this. It is $40. No, don't keep giving up your power.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
This is such good advice, but it's also really good advice that comes from being in your 20s. Like being 19, being still in college, you think that the way to get someone to love you is to become the version of a person that they want.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Exactly. And it's like, actually, that's not what people want. Like, no, just be who you are. But she cannot. She's like, whatever. I'm spending the $40 that I got in my dad's money on this weird little teapot.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She goes to the counter and Erica's like, I'm kind of like surprised that you're getting a ham bag. Yes, make fun of the handbag. Just make fun of the handbag. And Tessa's like, oh, my dad wants me to get it for my mom. Like, I don't know. He's like on one. Like, I'm just here on a mission. And Eric is like, oh, that that makes perfect sense to me.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Actually, you're not the first one in here this week doing that. And Eric is like, is the teapot also for your mom? And Tessa's like, oh, no, no. The teapot is for me, actually. How are you feeling about this interaction?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Okay. It could be worse, I guess. Tessa pays with her cash and Erica's like, it was so good to see you. And Tessa's like, it's good to see you too. And Erica's like, Merry Christmas. Enjoy your handbag. And Tessa's like, you too.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
See, just it's great that you have game. Tessa does not have any. Tess is in the car, like, you know, looking at that little mirror that's like in the flip visor and being like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, why did you say you too when she said enjoy your handbag? Why didn't you ask her one question? Like, what is wrong with you? You now have the handbag and you have the teapot.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Are you feeling good? No. Okay, cool. Tessa doesn't feel good either. She feels insane. She sneaks home. She like sneaks in the handbag in her tote bag. She like tells her dad where it is. And later her dad is like, it's a little bit smaller than I was expecting. Do you think mom will still like it? And Tessa's like, I never thought she would like it.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And her dad's like, I also said to get the cream one. And Tessa's like, I really think she'll like the olive green one better. But truly, I think she would hate it even if it was custom designed for her. And her dad's like, okay, don't worry about it. By this point, it is Christmas Eve. Tessa is like sitting in her room replaying the conversation with her crush when her mom comes in. Okay.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Her mom sees the teapot like on the little table and is like, oh my God. Everything in that store is a waste of money. I do not want you spending your money in there on stupid little things. And Tess is like, okay, thank you. And her mom sighs. And you know when your mom, like, starts off with, like, a light conversation and then her face becomes very serious?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And her mom is like, well, my friend also said that Erica works in the choppy shop across the street. And Tess is like, that's crazy. I didn't know that. And her mom's like, babe, it's like not healthy for you to drive out there day after day and like spend all your money on stupid things so that you can like pine after Erica.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Is there anything more mortifying than like this conversation in your mind? Probably, but I'd have to work hard to think of it. The conversation with your parents about a crush is bad. Conversation with your parents about a crush that you're failing at is worse.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Right. It's like you can imagine that they've had a similar kind of conversation before. Yeah. And Tessa's like, I know that she's not wrong, but this is like awful. Yeah. The next day they drive to her aunt's house. Tessa sits in the back with a wrapped handbag. They arrive. For the most part, everything's great. Tess is drinking Prosecco. She's like, this is fine. Everyone else's gifts go great.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Everyone likes them. Her dad opens a nice new polo. He hates it. He's like, what an extravagant waste. These are the wrong colors. He puts it on. It looks great. Everyone's rolling their eyes. The very last person to open their present is her mother. Are you worried? What's...
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tessa's mom picks it up. She pulls off the wrapping paper. She pulls out the handbag. And there is just, like, silence. Yeah. Everyone in this room, right, extended family, is looking at this handbag. Mm-hmm. And then Tessa's mother, her shoulders begin to move and she begins to cry. Oh. And Tessa is like, oh my God, I fucking told him. Like I told him that this was wrong.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
So she's saying it's true. Yeah, exactly. I didn't hear a denial there. I don't hear a denial. It seems like that's true for sure.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I told him that this would break her. Like she's broken. She's crying. She can't even do the fucking bit that they usually do. This is so bad. And then her mom is like touching the embroidered pigs and she's like, they're so beautiful.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
This dad knows his wife, goddammit. Her eyes are shining. She's looking at her husband. She's like, how did you know? She loves the handbag. She's like, I've been envying it in the window for weeks. She's like, I'm so excited to tell my friends. We've all been lusting after the handbag. The only thing that could be better is if it had been the cream one. Yeah.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
and tessa is like god damn it like this whole interaction and she's like thrilled we've broken this terrible ruse uh-huh how are you feeling now relieved like a weight has been lifted okay good i love that for you on the ride home her mom's like giving her shit she's like do you want to stop in the town and see erica maybe you could spend some more of your money not asking her out could be fun for us
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Do tell her that you were only going for her handbag, which she loves. You do. I mean, there's no reason not to now. Yes.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah. Tessa's like, I did this for you. Like, yeah, this wasn't about Erica. I had to be strategic because I didn't want you to see. And her mom's like, oh, my God. Wow. I can't believe it took multiple days and a stakeout to get the handbag. Thank you so much for doing that. You worked so hard. Yeah. We are finally almost at the end. Whose side are you on? How do you feel?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Do you have any hopes or dreams for how this could end?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I think that is a great hope for them. In the end... Tessa did take the teapot back. And she was like, I'm so sorry. I don't want this teapot, even though it was very cute. I just didn't know how to tell you that. I just like I bought it because I wanted to talk to you. Yeah. And Erica's like, that's totally fine. I kind of thought that that's what was happening, to be honest.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah, exactly. I was told that you brought a gossip story for me. Is that true? It's true. Can I have it?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And Tessa's like, okay, great. Can I have my $40 back? And Erica's like, yes. And then Tessa used her $40 to take Erica on a date. Yeah. And it was awful. They had absolutely no romantic chemistry. This is amazing. She's released from this hold that it had on her. Yes.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tess is like, oh, my God, this is actually better than me falling in love with her because she lives on the other side of the world and I'm free. This is the best possible scenario. Yes. And now you have a queer friend in town who you don't have to date. Yeah. Which is the dream. Yeah. It has now been two years since the handbag Christmas. The handbag is beloved.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Everyone compliments the handbag at all times. It gets hand washed very gently with a special brush. It gets hung dry only. The next day ham sandwiches are the best ones that this family has ever had apparently. And last year for Christmas, Tessa had a girl to bring home. Yeah, someone willing to fly across oceans to come home with her. Yes. Very serious relationship.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And, you know, she got to bring her home. And, of course, the girlfriend is like, what's up with this handbag? And the problem with the handbag now is that it gives her mom an excuse to tell her new girlfriend all about Erica. And so now everyone calls Erica handbag girl.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
In a way, inside this family, she's the loser of the story. But she's still friends with Tessa, so it's like it didn't end up so bad.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Which is great. Yeah. And that is the end of our story. Happy handmas. Carson, thank you so much for coming on. It was a delight to have you. Thank you for having me.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yes. And I imagine, I mean, I had friendships like this, right? It is kind of like an in-law situation where it's like you have become friends via marriage and the marriage is your older siblings or your parents are friends, right?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Hi, and welcome to normal gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. And in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Okay. I was very old for my grade and you knew which kids were younger, right? Like it is very clear when you're in elementary school and middle school which kids are almost a full year younger than you because like you're taller than them. You have more skills than them, right? Because that's how childhood works, right?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
So the idea that you could hide being a full year younger than people in your grade for the entirety of your childhood is like, OK, so you're not only saying that you're a year younger, you're saying that you're a genius.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
As always, if you are desperate for more gossip and you're just like dying inside because this one episode a week isn't enough for you or you're becoming scared at the end of the season, you can always become a subscriber at supportnormalgossip.com where you'll get an extra monthly bonus episode. I am so excited to have with me today, Carson Olshansky.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
OK, let's say I buy it. Right. Let's say I buy it. And which I'm not sure that I do yet. And yeah, I'm also not sure that I do. I'm just giving you all the information I have. And I appreciate that. Let's say I decide to buy this story. How would she get in trouble for it in high school?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
I'm trying to, my brain is like moving 500 miles a minute because I'm like, one, how can we figure out the correct answer to this? Because I like need to know now. But two, it's like for your age online to show two different numbers, it means that like at some point this like charade of what age you are seems to have continued, right? Because like, like why would the ages still be different?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Wow. Yeah. I like this crime because it hurts no one and also I have no idea why you would do it. Yeah. Carson, thank you for bringing me this story of childhood friendship and deceit and lies. I liked it very much. Do you want to hear the story that I have for you today?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Carson is a Brooklyn-based stand-up comedian and writer whom you may know from New York City Pride Fest, the New York Comedy Festival, Reductress, or that time Cara Delevingne commented on their Instagram reel. Carson, welcome. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. It's so nice to see you again. We were introduced to each other for the first time at the Williamstown Theater Festival.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Our friend of a friend today, we're going to call her Tessa. And Tessa is experiencing a very particular type of misery, which is that she is boarding a plane home from college to go home for the holidays. She does not want to go home. She wants to stay in college where she has created a personality for herself. Yeah. Is this relatable to you at all?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yeah, exactly. What are you supposed to do? Like talk to people you went to high school with who have lied to you at your age for years? Tessa is like, I never even wanted to be in the place I was from in the first place. Yeah. Right? Like she's one of those girls that went as far as possible. And for Tessa, that meant across a whole ocean. Okay.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
So to go home for the holidays, she has to leave her, like, prestigious Hogwarts-ass college she attends, fly on a giant plane all the way to the other side of the world to her home country that is also a continent. Okay. I have zero guesses. Yeah. How would you have a guess? And then she has to drive hours from the airport in the big city to the small town that she's from. Okay.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
And that's like the worst part of this, right? Is that it's like in the small town, her parents work for the town. She went to school there. Everyone knows her. And that was like the old her, right? She's like, I feel different now. I don't want to go back to the land of kangaroos where everyone assumes they know everything about me.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Yes. Truly hate to do this to you, but you did tweet recently. And I quote, this is a great moral to never tweet. Oh, no. Quote, sometimes I'll run into an old acquaintance and they'll try to fall back into our old rhythm. But I'm like, sorry, I don't remember which version of me I pretended to be with you. Can you explain this?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
especially acute when you're 19 right because it's like you haven't really finished filling out the form of like which personality you would like to have and so you're still trying stuff on you're still like seeing what works from which personality and sort of gluing together your collage personality from all of them exactly and there's another problem for tessa which is a more universal problem and it is pining okay
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Do you have anything you'd like to say about our experience at the theater festival before we move on?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
What is having a crush like for you? Excruciating. Say more. I mean, like, I can't sleep when I have like a real crush. Is it like an obsessive kind of crush? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So for all of high school, Tessa had an obsessive crush on this girl, Erica. Okay. They were the smartest girls in their literature class. But Erica, like, always had a boyfriend and seemed to be straight. Okay.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tessa assumed that by going very, very far away for college, she'd like forget all about Erica. And for the most part, she did. She's like, I'm the new Tessa now, right? Like I have a whole cool group of queer friends. I'm like reading classic books. I joined a rec sports league in college, right? Like I'm totally different. Yeah.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
She's like, I'm confident and strong and I am not the type to pine after a straight girl anymore. Yeah. Do you believe this?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Aha. Okay. The minute Tessa gets on the plane to go home, her brain is like, remember Erica? Yeah. And so she has so much time on the plane to think about this because the flight is hours and hours and hours. And she's, like, pining having a crush like that is so miserable. I can't do it, right?
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
The vibe that I got is that Tessa is, like, the kind of girl that, like, when she has a crush, she, like, withdraws, right? Okay, yeah, yeah. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, right? And so it's one of those things where, like, the person you have a crush on would be, like, they don't even like me. And then as her friend, you would have to be like, no, she does like you. She's just a dumbass.
Normal Gossip
Hell in a Ham Bag with Carson Olshansky
Tessa kept every conversation as short as possible because they were so excruciating. Exactly. So on this airplane, not feeling good about this crush coming back. Not feeling good about this crush having magically blossomed again inside her heart. And she's like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to stay inside my parents' house. Like, I'm going to go home. I don't need to go anywhere.