Charles Duhigg

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

This is so dangerous.

And he tells his bosses that he couldn't recruit her.

And his bosses are like, look, you are definitely going to get fired.

We already told people that you were going to recruit her.

So he has this one last dinner with her.

And during that dinner,

instead of trying to charm her instead of trying to persuade her he just decides to have an honest conversation she was really disappointed about what's going on she's disappointed she's about to go back to her home country and and and feels powerless and he told her how powerless he feels is like this guy who's supposed to recruit spies in europe and he's terrible at the job that he just feels feels like he can't do it at all they matched each other and in that matching

They were able to form a connection, and she actually became not only a spy for him, but the best asset in the Middle East for the next 20 years.

But the reason why is because he decided to have a conversation with her.

And that doesn't mean that we have to have conversations all the time, but it does mean during those moments that are meaningful with our partners or our kids or coworkers...

Sometimes it's worth leaning a little bit in and having the real conversation because that's how we get closer.

Yeah, it's a really good question.

And to explain it, I should tell you sort of how I came to studying this, which is I would oftentimes come home from work and I would be upset, had a bad day, right?

And I would describe my day to my wife and my boss is a jerk or my coworkers don't appreciate me.

And she would very reasonably respond with advice.

She would say, why don't you take your boss out to lunch and you guys can get to know each other better.

But instead of hearing what she was saying, I would get even more upset.

And I'd be like, why aren't you supporting me?

You should be outraged on my behalf.