Charles Duhigg

People start to think the same way.

And if you think about it, that makes sense, right?

Because when I talk, what I'm trying to do is describe a feeling or an idea, and I'm hoping that you experience that same feeling or that same idea.

Now, the issue is that you're right.

It can feel like a lot when we describe it this way.

But because our brains are designed in such a manner, building these communication habits is very, very easy.

And there's just one kind of overarching thing that you can remind yourself of that allows those instincts to come out, which is...

The goal of a conversation is to understand the other person.

It's not to convince them of something.

It's not to win a fight.

It's literally to understand what they are saying and to help them understand what you are saying.

And if you do that, then even if you both walk away disagreeing with each other, the conversation has been a success.

So a big part of it is, as I mentioned, not all conversations have to be conversations, right?

Sometimes someone's in the wrong frame of mind and it's okay to say, let's table this.

Let's bring this up tonight when we might be a little bit more relaxed.

The second thing you can do is that proving that we're listening, that looping for understanding when we're asking a question, repeating back what we just heard in our own words, asking if we got it right.

That's going to convince the other person that we want to understand them, and they're going to want to understand us in return.

It's almost hardwired in our brain.

We can't help ourselves but want to connect when someone is looping for understanding.

But the third and the most important thing is just to ask the person, what do you want out of this?