Chris Appleton

And I wanted to.

You know, every night I used to go sleep with a picture of the kids and I'd just pray to God.

I would just pray to God that I would wake up and it would be gone.

Because I was like, why could I have done... I was okay for so many years and I thought I was all settled and fine.

And now it's like this thing I can't get rid of.

And I just...

I think I didn't want to kill myself I wanted to kill it whatever that thing was well being gay so the night we told the kids we had to tell the kids and it was just horrible it was it was awful they were upset I was upset I was in no state to tell them um what was the decision to tell them I think everyone was just talking everyone in the town was talking and conversations and because it's just gossip I just yeah we just never wanted someone else to say it um and I just think we've always had very open relationship and honesty with our kids so

We told the kids I was gay.

I couldn't even say it.

Her mom ended up kind of just saying, your dad's gay.

And they just looked so confused.

And I remember my son saying, are you going to have your arm like this?

He'd been told gay guys do this.

I was like, no, I'm not going to change.

But I just felt like...

How bullied I was at school and how miserable my life had become because of that, I felt like I'd just given all of that to them and put all that shame and they were going to get bullied and just have the shit that I had to deal with as a kid.

And that was...

miserable and as a as a dad or as you know like all you want to do is protect your kid if someone kicks them in a playground you wait you wouldn't go find that motherfucker like who was it like you know but when you're the one doing that i just was like i can't take i

So I just thought it would be better for me to be dead than to be gay.

And I just switched.