Chris Longoria

Man, so I recently went through a breakup.

Been going through a dry spell since then.

Met a woman recently, the most beautiful Filipina I've ever met in my life.

To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions.

So I panicked, but...

I did take her up on this date.

Like I said, I was on a dry spell.

But then I was really high.

And I realized that she wanted to use me for my green card.

And I panicked.

So I proposed to this woman.

I also heard a rumor that they were going to arrest Cheryl's husband, but he jumped off before they could.

Well, I'm heading to Boston next Monday and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do.

She suggested we do the marathon.

I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb.

I was at the supermarket over the weekend and it dawned on me, you know what you don't see at the supermarket these days?

Nancy Guthrie.

I'll tell you what you do see, fucking toddlers.

There was this annoying toddler.

His parents were oblivious to what he was doing, wandering around.