Chris McCausland

Yeah, a tuna because of the tight seal. Hey!

Yarr, I'm bored! You know what they say, if you're boring, then you're a boring person. Yeah, I've heard that before. But we're kind of really fucked out here, right? Yeah, I'm bored. You ever notice if you look at a boy long enough, it becomes a full-grown woman.

What? We're holding space for the American people.

Dude, there's something about total freedom. Yeah. Unmoored from all societal bounds.

of sailors, and I speak with the same voice as every single one of them. Yeah, you heard me. You have heard the rest.

Yeah, that's kind of... Sometimes, if you make so much noise, you make people think they can't be heard. Yes, yes.

Just keep that counter going. I know. We really do need a counter.

It's out of season.

Oh, so they were probably fine. I don't know. I guess they're just weak. They really might be very weak.

But also kind of is a big rundown of just how humanity, as we spread across the continents, what we did to every single animal and plant life that we encountered, where they talk about how in Australia, when we first arrived to Australia, there used to be 10 to 12 foot wombats that were so big and fat and delicious and so innocent. They had no idea what the fuck it was that we were there for.

And then we ate the living fuck out of them out of existence. And like those seals probably were like, cause they're fine. And then all of a sudden you got this pink guy shows up and you're like, Having a good time. Would you like a barrel?

You didn't know you invited Hitler into your sea town. And you didn't know that there was going to be a culling of you and your kind.

Oh, yeah, dude. Just fucking do shit where they bite a chunk out of its ass and throw the rest of it away. Just going like, there's so many of them who give a fucking shit. Honestly, though, I would give anything to eat dodo meat. That's one of my big dreams. Yeah.

You know what I actually equate that to? It's a little bit of trying to retain a sense of normalcy.

And just being like, we'll just stay on the boat until the very, like, the boat's here, let's stay on the boat. It feels reassuring to be inside of the boat.

You are, there's something that is deeply delusional. Delusional.

You know what's really funny about this story is that it's really going to stress that.

I wish I could get off this boat. Yeah. person's on it. I wish I could come over there and help you. I see that you're all being systematically tortured, raped, and murdered on that island over there, but my hands are tied. It's this railing. I can't pass the railing or I get fired.

Well, I just think it's just once he survived, what does it fucking matter now? You know what I mean? Like, God must have chosen him to survive.

No, I wouldn't. But I tell you what, though, I took a couple of sips and I tripped harder than any fucking mushroom I had in that entire fucking city, man. You want to get, that's where the high is in that fucking town is.

Yeah, yeah. there, guys. People ask, Henry, do you write the material? How hard do you work on this? And it's so, it's just right there.

That's the least likely one? Cum?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's famously called the C-word. That's right, buddy. Yeah. Ye olde cunt. Now, see you next Tuesday. Come on, on the stream. It's live on Tuesday. Is cunt more popular than cum? No.

Oh, no. No. You know what I actually mostly refer to? You know what that first thing I think of? Congress. Whoa. Whoa. Take a lap.

I can't fucking handle this shit! I can flop a couple of lungs around. I can fucking play with your liver a bunch and play with your dead lips. But that's it for me, man. That's as much like a handle.

And it's most delectable. Don't worry, I'll share the loads.

I can't wait to see your funeral.

Perfect. Leathers. Jewels. Hats. Gloves. Perfect. I will be completely dressed in this 80 degree... I'm actually going to take some of this off. It is interesting because would you respect a man that just floated in on a board?

Yeah, it's the concept of the man floating in on the board and just going like, ah! But the next being Hitler is like the weirdest jump in status.

No, it's almost like they kind of like that within you because they themselves are a big old fucking loser.

So that's why you used the term that the listener filled us in.

Unintentional pun, but I like it. I'm packed, jammed with information in my ass.

You know, this shows that, God, the worst part about evil nerds is their work ethic. And their ability to sort of put in the work in a moment that needs to be done. Because this is him, all of a sudden, it's like, you talk about this, it's an instant switch.

Yeah, it's a dastard. It's a bastard who's your father. It's a dad bastard.

Oh, and that's... Ronins. Dastardly. That's where that comes from. Exactly. There we go. Look at this. A dastard knows who his father is. Oh. And he hates his fucking ass.

Yeah. See, I feel like Euronymous also is putting them in the same level because in society they would never be.

Of course not. That's my whole point.

Well, so you're already fucked. I feel like there's also the thing, too, of like, we might all just be dead here anyway.

Yeah, a bunch of rich boys stirring up people who don't have any money and telling them... You mean the manliest men on record that know exactly how we should push this country forward into a full hemispheric power?

Nothing I love better than a president I can motorboat.

Yeah, you can't kill them. You can't punch them.

Yeah, you can't do nothing.

Yes, great start. So much fun. Can't wait.

Yar, Euronymous, I found this place over here. It sucks. It's going to kill nothing.

Oh, yeah. To be honest, he kind of thinks that, that they can kind of separate them all piece by piece and then everyone will just leave him alone.

Yes. Womb-shaped. Yes. Absolutely a veritable shape that everyone knows. Yeah. Very close to many other things. You could have said pear-shaped.

Oh. It's a cheese joke.

No, I actually looked at it. You know what shape it is, Marcus? Fig-shaped. Fig? Huh. It's like a... Ish. It's... Fuck you. First of all, go absolutely and fuck yourself. Because I know figs.

Yeah, I was thinking about ass sex. I was thinking about fucking ass and mouths.

You can do that. Yeah. I do think what's also nice about clove oil is after you're done doing it, right, and you fucking, you ram or jam, right, either the little cabin boy or the noble woman there. Either one, yeah. Right afterwards, she smells like Christmas. Yeah. Wow.

Like mine's Eddie Redmayne.

Can't stand him.

He apologized for the movie he played the lady in or whatever, and it made me hate him more.

Yeah. You know, she didn't eat at all in that movie. Absolutely, and she would have been horrible on the Batavia. Yeah.

On the screen. About a mile... We really need to incorporate that into our promo world.

Pinball machine. Barbecue grill. We're going to have, I'm going to get a projector. We're going to show Weekend at Bernie's. That's right. Water. Water.

Yummy, yummy, yum. Actually, do you have, the seal blood's fine, but do you have 2%?

The Highlands, bro. I'll tell you what, though. The Allman Brothers are on the Highlands. I hate to say it, but I think that weed is the last thing I'd want on a deserted island. Really? I think that booze would be better.

So if you're using a pine cone, you are not in charge.

Yay! So finally some good news.

It's about a month. It is wild how fast... all of this falls together.

I'm bored. There's nothing to do on this stupid old island. This guy's kicking shells like, I guess we just have to create a system of devastation.

I never have this before. Here we go. This is my I'm going to touch your boobies look. This is your I'm going to kill your father look.

I don't know. She's talking about wine. I didn't complain at all.

All the time. Carpenters, guys who put up drywall. Yeah, guys who steal drywall. Guys who put up bronze piping. Guys who take out bronze piping.

Oh, you keep that up. I'm going to hide your clove oil.

Wow. But the searching's not real. No. Wow.

That's lying. So you mean to tell me we'll be lying?

Honestly, it's hypocrisy. Who's going to do my laundry?

That's the problem, man. That's why it's always super important. Watch Godfather 2. Yeah. And know that any time anybody's taking you out on a boat and you hadn't planned for at least a couple of weeks, you're getting whacked.

thing where they say, like, north, south, east, west, right, on the thing, and that doesn't make any sense to anyone. In my mind, it's left. It's like he's making that left. Yeah, but left is north. I know, but I say left. Because that's how I understand it. I don't understand north. You don't understand north? I actually brought this up to Natalie.

I also talk too loud while I'm getting pegged.

And a lot of it's like, ow, hey, who are you? Oh my god, the captain of police! Grab the car! Hey, where's the clove oil, buddy? You're jerking me around like I'm some kind of ripped open Christmas stocking.

Very funny. That's great.

The idea of just, like, literally, that's all he does. He just goes and goes... And then they're like, oh, you're killing me here, you know, upper trumpeter. And he's just like... Blame the music. You know what I mean? Like, blame the cheat. You know, I'm not just playing. Go invent the guitar.

God, yes. Willy nilly is, like, a lot is hidden within the term willy nilly. It sounds cute.

It literally is. It is almost the pure definition of willy nilly. Like, the Holocaust was... got so willy-nilly. Okay, here we go.

What's the opposite of willy-nilly?

But what about, what's the words opposite? Is it like nolly-wolly?

No, but like a silly word.

organized and silly don't really go hand in hand got your bullshit all lined up so the holocaust had it's bullshit all lined up yeah yeah yeah real well I had whole teams of people on it I just got four family members that aren't going to talk to me anymore I tried to say they were willy nilly

That's not bad. I order the deaths of millions each day, and no one listens.

I know we're beginning this, the very beginning of the episode, and this is really fucking dragging us, right? But... Is the North Pole the top of the Earth? And is the South Pole the bottom of the Earth? Or does that not matter in that...

Yeah, they were good at this shit. They literally went and did their job hardcore. Yeah, he sent the best guys out.

Oh yeah, because over those three weeks, he had really put this whole fucking thing into permanent order. And it's like July 4th, so if you're going to have fires, you've got to have fireworks.

Listen, tell me, have you ever shot golden to a beer? No, no, I mostly drink it with my mouth.

question what do you mean does not not matter is north top and south bottom yeah why what else would it be south could be top it's just south the earth doesn't rotate that way what do you mean the earth rotates around this way in a circle i think doesn't it kind of go back and forth it's yeah i mean kind of sort of but it still rotates the same way what if sun's upside down Doesn't matter.

can't swim. It's like in BG3 when you just kick them into the fucking caverns. You know what I mean? You just kick them down a well. You lose the loot, but you get the kill. These soldiers, though. I hate to say it, they don't seem like great soldiers. Well, they're getting bum-rushed. And they're dehydrated and weak and all that shit, too.

Kinda cool in a way. I know it's bad was also fun in a way.

I like to cut them into 12 ounce pieces So at this point, Vina, that's his name?

I wish there was something you could do to make me feel better because I'm just getting so worried.

It's game going. It's strong. It's so fit. Someone get me my clove oil.

Yes. That's what this is.

You put us into the reef of a fucking North Pole conversation. I'm a chef. All right. I would be the boat chef. I would be the boat main prostitute. In order for the men that are infertile and looking to impregnate a woman on the boat. Oh, so the men pay you to fuck their wives. Yes, I'm a cum donor by cash. Yes. The cucker.

Yeah. It kind of feels like one of those, the stories you hear about like what happened in the Congo or what happened in these places where the devastation is so intense and so public that they can't do it. They're like paralyzed by how public it is. And you do have like, yes, now you have the mutineers to kind of even set that up is that on Batavia's graveyard.

Yes, you have the bad group of mutineers, but you also have like the people that are really trying not to get involved. And they have moved to the other side of the island, and they're trying to just be like... Very similar to something that sounds very familiar now to say like, well, it's not hurting us right now. Yeah.

So we're just going to kind of just live over here and try to pretend like everything's fine over here. We're just going to over here and I'm going to stay by these shells. Like I was saying to Marcus, that'd be me. I'd be on the other side of the island going like, I'm totally cool with these shells. I don't need your wine. I don't need the ladies. All I just want... These shells.

Hey, you don't know what you need until you fucking need it. That trumpeter could have been Locke. I mean, you never know. Are you going to use that to scare away birds? That's right.

So far. This is what I'm saying, guys. We're not even in the end of this.

I'm just saying that's not how I want it. I want to know which one. It just kind of went there. I didn't mean to be there.

I'm bored. You know, it was so long. I spent a good amount of time fishing that piece of knife out of that guy. You saw what we did. Yeah. And it was funny how we held. It was funny how we held. And I had just a memory of it. And then we did that skit where we reenacted the murder. That was fun. The writing was tense. Mm-hmm. Because of the rewrites you insisted on.

But now, honestly, after the live show, I'm bored. I get it. What do you guys think about going back to the mousetrap game and actually playing the game?

Go get me my clove oil. I need to teach dominoes something.

It's a very popular hobby. People do it. There's like television shows. I'm bored. I don't like fishing. It's just sitting and waiting. I hate fishing. You know what I like? Pushing a woman down in the sand. You could kill the fish if you want. Nah, it's not the same. It doesn't make any noise.

Oh, I thought you were going to say through his hair. I don't have any hair. I don't need a...

Look and see all the treasures that lie in white.

Get the axes. Get some small knives.

Very similar to back in the day when we covered Billy the Kid and those places that you went to.

No, but I mean, actually, like Billy the Kid.

Yeah, when you go hang out at specifically criminal-only places.

Now, this is the last we're going to hear of Pelsart today.

Porque no los dos.

So he goes to look for water. And we don't know if he's going to come back.

Like, that's the thing, giving somebody just something to do.

Hey, they've never tried. Right. You know, once you kill, like, 50 people, you pretty much have to kill everyone else, too. Basically, yeah.

You know the Elijah Wood character from Sin City? Yeah. Like the thing where you could kind of just see his glasses, like you could just see him wearing glasses, but you can't see his eyes. Like he just stands and just quietly murders people. Mm-hmm. Oh, he also yelled quite a bit. He gave a lot of orders.

Can I say he's one of my, I know that this is maybe wrong to say. Yes. He's one of my favorite goons in this whole story is this boy. They had taken him from the Cape when they had stopped. He had stopped. He was in, he was like from Sierra Madre. Yeah.

He was this kid that literally spoke no English and he got across to him this, but there was something about this 15 year old boy where he was like.

And he was like, he wasn't angry about it. And so he had to go kill the other boys.

I hope I get to kill boys tomorrow. Can I get some soup?

Oh, yeah. That's what I like to hear, buddy. Absolutely. Let's see where we can go. Oh, what's that smell? Is that clover oil?

But I think that shows Pelsart's real love for her in the end. Does it? Because he left her on the island to die. But he did wipe the poo-poo off of her.

Whoa, it's like MS-13. LAUGHTER

Easiest. It's easiest. It's much easier than stabbing that man to death with all the overnight.

To me, honestly, even emotionally, it's kind of easier in a way. The thing about it is that you can just chuck it in the ocean.

i thought about it yeah oh definitely a baby easier than a six-year-old yeah yeah for sure yeah but i think it'd be harder to kill a six-year-old than a 13-year-old yeah absolutely stronger yeah oh i'd kill a 13-year-old on the drop of a fucking hat unfortunately these are the thing i didn't sleep well last night yeah

I think it's refreshing that he wiped the dook off of her and said, you know what? You're still cute. And I think that's one of the bravest things that a captain can say. Not cute enough to take the job? No. Well, she's just, he didn't want people to fight over her on the boat.

Oh, I know. You love, he loves a bottom feeder.

Yarr, I'll tell you, I don't have any problems with killing a baby, but can I fuck it first? I don't mean to be, I'm not trying to make people upset.

Listen, I'm just, I'm kind of, I'm just curious and I just, is this a safe space for me to ask these questions?

Like, that is just the cutest sort of way to execute a baby.

But the key is that no noose is good noose. You're right, you're right.

This is my other son, Gisbert III. What? It's all named after what made them. Seaman. Big old pie seaman. Coming for my balls.

She's Jizzman because she's also mostly jizz. What do you think holds her together? That is what holds a woman together. Jizz.

People are going to love that. They really are. They really are. It's a womb-shaped island. Yeah, very much so. I know exactly what it looks like, too, because I can measure it by the size of my fist.

Honestly, because I hate the waves, but I love the pool. Isn't that crazy? It's like ironic, right? When I have to go to dinner with Euronymous.

Now, I heard that they were checking out the pool.

It's just what the word is, how it's pronounced. It's spelled boatswain. It's because it's British and they're difficult on purpose.

One of the funnest things to do is to break a priest's faith. I can't imagine how powerful and how fucking awesome and how thickly I would use to do that.

No, you want to do it. That's the problem. Truly, the way to do it.

bottoming him into submission yeah without any clove oil your goal is not fucking him he fucks you oh you are power bottoming if you power bottom a priest hard enough yeah it does kill god in his heart and i think that's important for our gay men out there to get that going and i think that the uranus sadly it's you improved a point he's like what's god god isn't saving you yeah and i'm the only authority here that is making anything happen i can hate when people give agnostics a bad name

It's it. Well, these are Gnostic. Gnostic. Gnostic is all about God is a power. It's like it was a whole thing. It's in the Dead Sea Scrolls. They pulled it all out of the Bible. Gnosticism essentially believes that you don't need the church to gain the power of Christ. Like you can literally talk to God yourself. But what? He's got a whole thing.

Very much so, and he also believed in the power of the Dutch contractual world. One thing that they did here was that they took every single woman that was in a pile here, and they signed them up for quote-unquote public service, which was, I guess at the time, they would do on boats. Common service.

They would do a thing where they would have a system of sex workers that would work within either whatever community and they would have a, it would be legal, right? And it would be kind of budgeted. Yes, but these women were paying passengers. Well, no, yeah, these women are fucked.

These women were not, this was not good for them, but they signed, a lot of the women had to sign these sort of fake contracts agreeing to be in this common service, whatever the term is, and then they basically turned it into a giant horrible fucking sex dungeon.

Very big amongst the sailing community. Lots of sailors listen. Lots of men. Lots of admirals.

I'm a captain and I'm a general. I wanted to be an admiral too, but they said that was too much because they said it was too long of a name. Captain General Admiral. No more boat. Yeah, I see. We're just in the water. Captain General is fine. I wanted to actually be super wizard, but then everyone just said, what's a wizard? And I'm just like, it's a guy.

You see this one? This is for best leader. And this one? Nicest kisser. And this one, funniest man.

I kissed the inside of your mouth.

Well, it came from a lot of people watch that show Below Deck. Yeah. And we don't. Nope. So that's not a reality TV show that we have ever touched. And the bosun on that one apparently got canceled. I see.

Get the fuck off of me. You see him fighting with a bird.

I just wish there was one more baby. But didn't he kill another boy?

It's my anonymous boy, cabin boy voice, and my anonymous sailor voice.

So I guess that's how they all know the word bosun.

Ow! God damn it! Fuck! Pelgrim, stop this fucking shit! Stab me with a point! There's also rocks everywhere. Someone needs to sharpen a knife.

Because it sounds like, honestly, it's really, really, I heard that song.

Let me just cut a woman's parts off or something fun.

But as far as I know, Pelgrim never got his wish. Yeah, I think that in the end, they just loved, he was like the Dalmatian. Yeah, he was definitely the mascot. No one wants to kill more than him and he can't. How sad is that? The other sailors being like, can you imagine not being able to kill?

Barely a scar. Barely a touch on me. None of you will ever get as sharp as my razor when I'm cutting in a flat top to a little boy. You'll never get me. I'm the underbarber.

Yeah, he's gotta be fu- He's basically dead.

And how many places is he going to hide? I don't know. How long do you have to look? It's the size of a football field, for fuck's sake. They've just killed so many people that they just are fucking over it. They're just like, eh, we'll get them. Even that's boring. Yeah, well, fuck it. I'm bored of even chasing man.

Yeah, dude, that's the thing. On the other island, they're having a great time.

Yes, they are eating their stock food.

Or them, because it really comes down to who wins this fight. If they don't know that there's a fight happening. Right now, Euronymous has the upper hand because he has all this going on, and they don't know that it's happening yet until this moment.

I didn't want to do this to us. I actually wanted to make the announcement that I'm taking the payout from the CIA. And I am leaving the show. Yes, but... Thankfully, I was. Obviously, CIA gave me the payout.

They're going crazy! Well, because also the big thing was that they lit the fires, and Euronymous and crew were supposed to come immediately. When they lit those fires, they were all supposed to come over and hang. That was the idea of come get them, bring them back, we're going to ferry this back and forth.

And as soon as they lit the fires, it was like a day passed, another day passed, and they're like, oh, shit's actually very real on that island over there.

And these guys are all soldiers, too.

Next week, we will get into some of the strategies. But I am not kidding when I say the ending of this story devolves into one of the long... It's like an action sequence...

I took it to the bathroom with me when I had Nutmeg. Great, great, great. You know what's also perfect is I found out that you can get high from Nutmeg, but the high is so horrifying that it actually can shatter your brain.

Well, we got a long weekend. Yeah, let's try it. Because you know what's the perfect day to get high on Nutmeg? President's Day. Coming this Monday. Go and enjoy it. Go to patreon.com slash lastbuyguess enough to watch us do this show again and again and again for the rest of your precious little lives. And go on all of the socials at LP on the left. TikTok, Instagram.

That's where we do our social promotions.

Dot com slash left. Buy tickets. You can come and see us like we are going to. And again, what we talked about inside stories, the what this is going to be is going to be so stupid and ridiculous. I have no idea if it's ever going to happen again. You do need to come and join Eddie and I. Please save us.

If you come on this cruise, we're locked in with you. I cannot escape. So please check that out.

Very soon. All right, you fuckers. That's on lastpodcastandleft.com. And you guys can go fuck yourselves. Well, lovingly. I mean, come on. Lovingly.

Lovingly fuck each other to completion. If you could. Yeah. Hail Satan. All these people suck. You know what? We heard the word Morningstar a lot today. Hail Travis Morningstar. Yeah. Nice, nice. And I hope his body's not used to decapitate a child.

Yeah, like a release. I bet you there was some form of agreement. Fucking Dutch. Right? Right? I don't even know, man. Just stay with the windmills.

Okay. But he's, like, got to be a jerk-off. Yeah, he's the AD. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, great.

Because also they had no idea how long Pelsart was going to be gone. No. When he left, they thought maybe, you know, for a second, maybe we'll find water right over there. Maybe there's Australia. Maybe it's right there. Like they've talked about they knew that there were places that there were people living out here that maybe we can find one.

And for 2,000 miles, after you've already traveled from fucking Netherlands, like it's really not that far. So, Java's actually kind of gettable. Like, they are, like, it's really, really close. And so, Euronymous knows just a little bit that if Pelsart comes back, he's also going to come back with a whole army of dudes as well.

I was going to go. Thankfully, last second, right before. I mean this. In the seconds before we were going to record, I was walking out. You guys were trying to stop me. I just got the contract in from the NSA. I'm locked in for another 10 years.

Sorry, I needed to say it, all right? I'm sorry.

It's also kind of crazy because it's really just mounds of dirt in the middle of vast, unconquerable ocean. So it must be very frightening as a group of 270 people just standing on the very top of the ocean. Just like looking around being like, oh, let's go, let's go, let's go. It's going to be my birthday next week. What do you do?

Really funny. Really funny.

Yeah. And if any corals out there are listening, you can go fuck yourself. You trying to get in the way of commerce? Okay. Oh, here's one more quart of oil.

Yeah, buddy, I'm coming down there with a fucking, I'm going to take an old school hairspray can and fill a bunch of crabs' mouths with it.

Yeah, fart all day. Yeah, fuck your ass, Coral.