Chris Voss

People love to be asked what to do.

People love to be asked how to do something.

You know, you give them the illusion of control when you ask those questions.

And, you know, negotiation's not about control.

To guide someone...

But in crisis intervention, they call it guided discovery.

It's not control.

It's giving the other side a lot of latitude.

But you kind of frame things with a what or how question.

And the other side doesn't feel framed.

They feel they were just asked what to do or how to do it.

I mean, they feel in control.

So it's giving the other side the illusion of control.

It's usually through a what or how question.

Well, you know, the famous, how am I supposed to do that, is a way to say no.

The other side doesn't feel attacked.

What it really is, is if you can't do something because the implementation is really difficult, you say, how am I supposed to do that?

Or you might say it three times, how am I supposed to do that?

Or you might say it a third time, how am I supposed to do that?

Each one of those questions makes the other side think about the complexity of the problems.