Christina Pazsitzky
👤 PersonPodcast Appearances
What's up, everybody? My Come Together tour is coming to the Vibrant Arena in Moline, Illinois on May 8th, Bristol, Virginia at the Hard Rock on May 10th, and then Springfield, Massachusetts at the Mass Mutual Center on May 22nd. Get tickets now at tomscrow.com slash tour.
Oh, yeah. So according to him, usually whenever he gets arrested. Usually. The cops are always excited to see them because apparently most of the cops in the Auburn PD are YMH fans. Oh, cool. Yeah. Shout out to Auburn PD.
It wasn't made yet. Jeans and Mike were going to hit.
Yeah, I want him to get, I want him to just stay on the path. I do too. Let's just get him to Vegas, start his scene work, get him working.
Yeah. Now, the real question is, are we going to be able to add the RPC to this scene? I really want to know.
Can we give him a call? Can we call RPC and see if he's open to his... I know he's an actor. He's made it clear that he does work in this business.
Yeah, but we only tried three of his six numbers. We should try them all. You don't want to just call one or three phone numbers for somebody.
It's really exciting, man.
How do they memorize them? They barely can spell their names. I don't know.
I have no idea.
I have no idea. I don't even know the number. I don't know the numbers. I don't know our phone numbers.
Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. No idea. No.
Well, yeah. What are you doing, man? Call the other numbers. Jesus.
God, obviously.
I remember the clip, too. I remember the clip that she was bound and her head was through one of those things and her... Her arms and legs were bound also.
I'm making a hat. I'm doing some scenes. Robert!
Trust me.
Right.
Yeah, so you're working on that bit. That's fun.
Hey, I got a question for you. What? So we are producing a doc and then working with some people for an adult scene that's shooting in Vegas. It's big names, you know, Alexis Fox. It's like the breakout role for Tony Johns. Would you be interested in being in a scene like that? What kind of scene? It's an adult scene, like a porno.
So here's what I'm thinking. Yes. I'm thinking. Oh, yes. Right now, we're going the law enforcement angle. So Alexis. Creatively. Yeah, creatively. Yeah, yeah. So she's going to play Officer Alexis. And then Tony Johns is the male who's been arrested. And we were thinking you could be like basically Sergeant Cumdump.
who comes in and tells Officer Alexis that this criminal needs to be strip-searched and that you need DNA so that she's got to get it out of him. You know what I mean?
The stocks. Yeah. And then a cool guy came up behind her and put things in her.
Yep. You feel you could do that?
Oh, yeah. So how about getting to Vegas? Would you be cool flying to Vegas?
Well, we would fly you there.
Oh, right. The cat. That's a good question. I don't know. Is there somebody that could watch the cat?
Okay. I mean, that's up to you. I don't want to, you know.
Okay.
We would fly you out and put. Yeah. Yeah.
Right, right, just to board him.
He was fucking awesome. God. He took her to town, and then she did the post-scene interview, and she was like, that was awesome.
Oh, of course. No, we love cats. So we would fly you out there, and then we would put you up, and then you'd be participating in the scene, and obviously you'd get paid for that, and then you would fly back.
Okay. How do you feel about air travel? Like, are you pretty comfortable going to one of the airports to fly to Vegas?
Oh, yeah, we can get you an aisle seat. Sure.
Right.
Yeah. If you leave some food out for a couple of days in a litter box and everything. Yeah, that's fine.
Okay. Man, this is super exciting.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, you know, this would be great. And you could bring out some, if you have some costume stuff for Officer Cumdump, if you want to bring that, that would be probably helpful. Yeah.
Sexy.
We can get you a new uniform.
She didn't look comfortable.
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No, yeah, somebody just that can't fight back, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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Well, this is super exciting, Robert.
It's going to be a huge scene.
Yeah.
God damn it. Insurance is such a pain in the ass sometimes.
I think back in that day, there was a lot of things that went down that there wasn't repercussions for.
yeah i get it so um the guys will be in touch and we will book all the travel for you and then yeah this will be a super fun thing man thank you so much for oh robert which phone number is the best for josh to reach out to you could you just like answer your phones and stuff the one you use it now okay this one okay this is the number mark this one as the good number guys so keep a lookout for the phone calls okay robert
Okay, cool. The 26th and 27th, okay.
Thank you. I can't wait. We'll talk to you soon.
It's later than that, I believe.
Yeah, it's 107 there.
I don't think so. I've never heard him really talk about the cat before.
And it went from I'm boarding the cat to like, it'll be fine here. I'm like, yeah. It's good.
This is very exciting.
Dude, Officer Cumdump getting a real role. Yeah. It's really cool.
Yeah.
Yeah. So. Yeah. There you go.
Speaking of big news, we have a wine mesh exclusive. I should probably treat it with the respect that it deserves. Yeah.
It's true. Um, Netflix, the streaming platform, uh, has, I have a new show coming out called bad thoughts and it's going to come out on May 13th. So I hope you all will check it out. Um, so far the teaser has dropped, uh, but now the full trailer is coming out. And the good people at Netflix have allowed us to debut the trailer first. So we get to play it before anybody else.
So we're going to go full screen. We're going to mute the mics and we're going to let you watch the trailer. And then we will come back and we'll talk about it.
So here you go. It is the world exclusive premiere of the new trailer for Bad Thoughts coming out May 13th on Netflix. And here you go.
It's a job. I only have one role.
Get this starving bitch a shrimp. Large iced coffee and just a slash of whole milk.
Could you just remake this with less milk?
and there you go yeah it's so good it's a good trailer it's so good yeah we're stoked babe this show's so fucking great it's really exciting I'm so stoked I've watched you go through the whole process yeah you've spared no expense the writing to the whole production of it and now we've been in post for months and now it gets to come out so we're super excited for it um
We'll have a premiere in another, well, the premiere is actually. Past May 6th, right? No, yeah, it's May 6th, yeah. So exciting. So it's coming up in like a few days. Oh my God. Yeah, but so many people, you know, work so hard. I think that's the thing you realize too when you actually get to do a project like this is you're like, oh man, this is truly a collaborative experience.
Like there's so many people involved, so many. And they all bust their ass. Everybody tries. That's the other thing is you're like, man, even when a show comes out and you're like, because you don't know how a show is going to be received. I don't know what, but you're like, man, people really try. They really try. Everyone tries their best to make the best thing possible.
No, not this shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Rob Eiler's in it. Kirk Fox is in it. Daniela Pineda's in it. Johnny Pemberton's in it. I'm forgetting tons of people.
Dan Stevens is in it. Who else? Alan Rachel's in it. Shea Whigham. Shea Whigham's in it, which is fucking unbelievable.
Yeah, we got so many fucking heavy hitters.
Yeah.
You said that to me.
The nuggets have been there so long. Yeah, it's true.
Yeah, I've got to give credit to Nico. Our DP was just unbelievable in it. And then the writers, Rami Hashash, Jeremy Conner, Zimman and Gerard, Conner Galvin, were amazing. Greg Tukulescu also helped us out.
yeah it was like it was a huge huge collaborative effort i i got to direct a few of these which was a huge win for me something i always wanted to do so i directed three of the stories so we'll get into that more when the show comes out but yeah also some you know little ymh easter eggs there's some easter eggs in there which is so fun that we got to you got to put i like that some people were like oh you have to be a ymh insider to get this like not at all no zero percent
Yeah, sure. Sense of humor. Yeah, but none of them are contingent upon understanding an inside joke. No, no, no.
Yeah, so again, that's the full trailer. Show comes out May 13th. I hope you watch it. I hope you tell people to watch it. We couldn't be happier about it. Yeah. Awesome. There you go. Tanner found the full gay auto mechanic scene.
It's a great thing to put on your lips before you blow a guy.
Get them right now, right now, right now, right now.
I just want to see what happens. Like, what happens here? I know. Okay, awesome. It's called Greased Up. Of course it is. Okay. Greased Up. Where does it go from here?
Yeah, resting. Fuck your break.
It was pretty fast. He forced his head down. Yeah, it was pretty quick.
Okay.
Thanks, Tanner. Appreciate you doing the research. Yeah, I mean, he really just went from what? And then they pulled him down by his tie.
He doesn't want to be there. You can tell. He's like, I run a business. I'm trying to run this fucking mechanic shop.
No cars are getting service now. So it actually, he was right. They really should get back to work.
Yeah, I don't know about taking my car here. If you can find out the name of the place, I'd like to avoid it because they don't actually work. They're just all fucking not cool.
Yeah, let's see her.
Perfect, right? Yeah. Let's see.
Well, he's engaged to his longtime partner.
Melanie Hamrick.
I would think so. He's got to. Has she had a kid?
Do Melanie Hamrick. Let's see. Melanie Hamrick.
Has one child named Devereaux.
Yeah. They welcomed him in 2016. Oh, that kid's almost 10.
That's Jagger's eighth kid. Yeah. Oh, they've been in a relationship since 2014.
They've been dating since she was 26. So that is the best fertile years. But he gave her a kid.
I'm pretty busy. I do a lot of shit. I don't know, man. This could go either way. You know what I mean? I don't want to fucking lock into something. I mean, let's be- Bitch, you are replaceable. You ain't shit. I'm not reliable and neither are you.
Yeah, that's fucking so cool. For sure, man.
Yeah, real talk.
They're not sure.
This little fucker was a real rascal. You know that, right? Hold on.
Both. Probably more just I don't know if I want to be married, I think. Yeah. Because I think that's real scary. Some dudes it's really, really scary.
I mean, you've got to actually give credit. They're not marrying them, and that's the decision. It's clear. If he's not asking you to get married, and you're cool with it, then that's fine.
I mean, a lot of chicks, we'll tell them. You see it all the time. Women go, hey, if you're not going to marry me, then I'm out of here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does he get a lot of shit?
Who you should look lovely, though.
They look happy. They look good.
How old is she?
Let's see.
Canoe's got to be a little older than that.
That's wild. That doesn't look like a 60-year-old man.
Neither does Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise was just up there. He's 62.
They look great. They don't age. They don't age.
That era is... Because life sucks. Molto gay. Yes.
Yeah, a little bit.
That's fine. The right amount. Yeah.
Movie stars should.
He's had it. Cruz has had it. Pit. Pit Stop's had it. They all have little touch-ups.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, really?
When I do it, I'm going to go full.
Full all the way back. This shit up here like this.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm going to go, hi.
Snoring with his eyes open.
He's 62 years old, man.
When you look at somebody and you're like, that guy's less than a decade from 70.
Yeah.
For sure.
You've said it a few times.
He's on top of his nutrition. That too. He has been for decades. That too. He's physically fit. He's really active.
Yeah, 40s is where you lay the groundwork.
I know, because once you're 60, it's too late to start.
If you're 60 and you haven't started, don't start. Don't start. It's too late. Just throw in the towel.
Yeah, just quit.
Quit now.
Yeah. She's rounding third right now. So it's just like let her come home. Yeah.
It's insane. Yeah. It's insane.
Don't even put that out there. God. No. Got a couple years at best.
First of all, she won't anyway. No, no. I've been trying to get her to do a daily casual neighborhood walk for one decade. No. And she's like... I did it two weeks ago. I hate it. I'm like, okay. Hates it. Don't walk then. And then she's like, I can't walk anywhere. I'm like, yeah, okay.
You should be.
Yeah, she's out of her fucking mind.
That's a crazy person.
It's crazy. She's one of seven, you know? I know. She's the youngest of seven. Most are dead because who's alive? Four are, so three are dead. It's all men. No, don't say that. Oscar, Juan Luis, and Pepe are dead. Oh. Some of them died in their 60s.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, but these guys were... These two were both knuckleheads. You know that, right?
But Armando's still alive. He's older than her. Blanca's still alive. She's older. And Marita's still alive. And she's older. So she has older siblings that are all alive.
He's in his late 70s now.
It really is a roll of the dice, though, on this shit. Some of it is.
Crazy.
Yeah. You know, we know that couple in L.A. where she's younger than him. Which one? I feel like that's all of L.A. No, but these are friends. Okay. And he doesn't look close to his age and he's like this age, like 60-ish. And his parents lived into their 90s.
wow and so you're like oh because you're like you look really good oh right i know which couple yeah you look really good man yeah and he's like yeah mom's 96 yep you're like mom's 96 yep like yeah my dad lived to 94 and you're like oh okay there's something in your genes yeah it's totally genetics yeah no you're just you're hashtag blessed or you're not charl pushes it into her 90s i'm gonna lose my fucking mind
But the little guy, the little guy was a fiery little fucker.
It's unbelievable. She's been promising to check out for so long now.
She just keeps fucking.
Yeah.
Dude, I remember being a kid and she was like, I do understand I'm 45. Yeah. I'm going to die. And I'm like, okay. All right. I'm six. Yeah. Thanks for telling me. Yeah.
Pretty crazy. This is so funny. One of my favorite comedians is Miss Pat. Oh, she's amazing. And she was on Trick Daddy's pod. They were cooking. This is such a funny exchange.
Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drinking, guns. Yeah, he was a little shit. Yeah.
Oh, of course. She's the best. She'll ask anything. Has he gone to a ditty party? She's so funny. Yeah, she's amazing. He's like, fuck no. He's like, put your dicks up. Take your wallet. Which is true. Which is true. There's no way Trick Daddy and his crew would go to a ditty party. That would never happen. So fucking funny, though. I love Miss Pat. I think I'm going to see her. Oh, yeah?
I think in New York, when I go to New York, she's going to be there.
Yeah.
Yeah. Trick daddy. I thought you would like this just because you like music. You're a cool music fan. Oh, boy.
These are his tunes, yeah.
He's not too old.
All is forgiven. I wonder if putting that on is what puts him in a musical mood. Okay.
Yeah.
Dude, way to go, man.
I mean, you can.
But he's been making music a long time. even before he broke it yeah because that already he broke with that album in like 97 98 um that's when that moby play album came out it was like around 98 99 so that's already 25 plus years ago he was making music before that that wasn't his first album so he was yeah he was doing it hold on
Yeah, it is catchy.
Yeah.
You never know.
Yeah, I don't believe the shit about it's too late to do creative stuff.
If you want to write, if you want to paint, you should definitely do it.
Yeah.
No, I was looking at this thing on the- Porn? No, fuck porn.
No. What? Suck your guy's cocks? Okay.
yeah okay all right you fuck me and i'll blow him fine okay what would you do if you had to make like an album now but you do rap right you'd be raps i don't think i could i'm not uh so awful no i couldn't do that my interest isn't even in that it would be in production like that's the stuff i like what do you mean like making beats even though i can't make one that's what i like the most making beats that's what i enjoy the most is like the production on in hip-hop
No, he's a producer. Yeah. Like I'm saying, I like what the, like the mellot, the beat that you hear.
There's a lot of songs like that.
I know. And what I do is I tune out the words and I just listen to the beat.
We should get them.
They already know that babies like to smoke and eat sausage. You know what you brought up the other day that I was thinking about? What? How you learn alcohol drinks at different phases of your life. Yes. And I was thinking about it because I was like, when you order a drink, I remember learning what a screwdriver was. Oh, my God. And feeling so sophisticated. So grown up.
Yeah.
It's part of why I ended up in the hospital.
Yeah.
Yeah. So I was lit. I was super drunk. And then I dosed. And then I was like...
I was on my way to the grave.
After ecstasy, too. I took ecstasy. Then I drank those 14 drinks. Over a few hours, obviously. Oh, yeah. Just a few hours. And then I did the GHB. But one of the things I always remember is screwdrivers.
Herve Villages.
Yeah, and then you learned, what was it, 7 and 7?
No, I didn't do that. I'm not gay.
No. I also thought it was cool to say On the Rocks. Oh, my God. You can get that on the rocks. On the rocks. Strawberry Hill, there it is. Then Cuba Libre was a big one with the Latinos. You say, let me get a Cuba Libre, which is just rum and Coke. but it sounds way better when you say Cuba Libre. Yeah. Seven and seven.
Look at him. He's fucking whacked out of his mind in that picture. Yeah.
That ends, yeah.
But here's the thing. I still... I'm so bad now. One thing is I don't drink a lot, but whenever I see a cocktail menu, I'm like, ooh. I go, what's like, because I always have kind of the same desire at this point in my life where I go, I like it to be like refreshing taste. So I like things with cucumber, mint, but like not too sweet. So I can have a little bit, but like really sugary sweet ones.
No, forget it. Oh my God, remember when you learn a Long Island iced tea?
I learned that. I feel like that was going from high school to college. Yeah. Let me get Long Island iced tea. Oh, my God.
That's to get completely ripped. Obliterated. Yeah.
No.
Well, this old dog face, I used to just walk into bars at 17. They'd be like, how's it going, sir? What would you like? I had a fake ID. There's the Dresden, yeah. But I didn't have to pull it out all the time.
You think because of your tits? They saw your tits and they were like, this big titted broad is your kid? Yeah.
i went into a liquor store in boston i was visiting my sister i was going to school there and i go to the liquor store and i put all the beer and everything on the counter and the guy was like id and i handed it to him and he laughed and handed it back goes get the out of here
did you even get the beer no he was like get out of here but that's also a fake id town because boston is a massive college community you know they have 61 colleges and universities in the greater boston area so they're used to underage kids trying to yeah he was like get out the fuck out of here dude
The sad, tragic ending of Hervé right there. Oh, no. He couldn't overcome his addiction to women. Hilarious. Yeah, he was a little fucker.
See, I don't even know what that is.
I had my first martini last year. Really? I've never had a martini.
Yeah.
Never had one.
I'll tell you what I am into.
I like gin and tonics with Hendrix and Monkey 47. What about Poroso's? Yeah, but that's vodka though. Vodka and tonic. Yeah, but the one that I like for vodka is you do Osos, a little soda water, a little bit of simple syrup, and then the muddled cucumbers with mint because that's like a refreshing drink.
that's perfect I think that's kind of like what's it called like a vodka sour or a Tom Collins like it's a version of that but what's the other one that I oh I like espresso martinis I can't do that I like that I don't want to get jacked and drunk it's like remember when I like coffee so it's like that taste is so good to me I know but I have bad memories of doing Red Bull vodkas in the early aughts and then you'd be out playing video games drunk as shit at three in the morning
We can have an espresso martini day here, guys. We should do that one day.
Yeah. Sounds good to me.
Three foot ten, too. Imagine that little shit sticking fingers up your ass. He's behind you. He's like.
Can't drink too much because then this happens.
Her foofies are real bad. It's bad. Yeah.
They are rotten. They're rotting. And that's probably going to affect her brain soon.
Yeah, it'll go to your brain.
Yeah.
She's got serious decay going on in there.
The purge when she has to shit or after she shit.
They're all like, oh, we know what happened in there. And by the way. We don't need a sound effect.
It feels good. You make sounds when things feel good. What is wrong with you? You know? You're not embarrassed to make... Somebody rubs your scalp, you go... Eat something good. Take a nice shit.
It's true.
Yeah.
It feels good. You pull up my bean bag.
Absolutely not. It's very cool. Um, peachy break.
And we're back and it's time to explore the marginalized community. Let's see what you got for us today. Let's do it.
Okay.
Is it Ash Wednesday? Is that why that's on her forehead?
Oh, okay.
Well, anything is possible. I think that's cool.
Usually drugs are involved with something like this.
She doesn't look high. I think she just has a birthmark. No, not a birthmark. I think she has a severe mental illness.
Yeah.
To another portal?
Where anything is possible?
She has that crazed look in her eyes, for sure. Yeah. Babe. She's very disturbed.
Wow. Oh, shit. The balls to play this music and do the slow turn.
Yeah. This person's like, oh, fuck, this shit's tight. Damn. That's how you can pull it. Nice. That was...
We could get my mother this haircut.
But a thick one. It's not a little tail.
It's not a real tail.
it's like a fox tail a pony rat yeah yeah that looks so good that is so horrendous shout out to whoever did that i didn't think anything could be that bad but you did it yeah yeah that's real dog yeah this is a special super menu item at the plaza de coco these are all 100% agave tequila this one is tequila anejo
Some people, you know, they get excited about different things and this one is as dumb as it gets so congratulations absolutely fucking stupid so dumb yeah oh so this is a real place that actually seems awesome isn't it yeah So I don't have hair, but if I could lay in that and have a scalp massage.
Where is it? In London?
It's in the UK, right?
That's pretty rad. This is a good find. Thank you. Congratulations. One of the only upsetting, non-upsetting TikToks you've found. Really cool. You're welcome. That's a great idea. I know.
That is pretty cool. I don't know that it can fend off evil spirits.
But it is from official stick reviews.
This is a lady at a buffet. And this guy. What the fuck?
I am watching. Keep it. This guy's just staring at the camera. Okay. You could look like this.
Yeah.
He's having a good time.
There's the food. This is really well put together. Thanks for flagging this. I think we understand what the food is. Well, hold on.
30 second shot of the food.
Yeah.
You know what's cool? Is that reality is what you make of it. And in his mind, he's hit a home run. Yeah, of course. He's in heaven. Of course. He's like, yeah, of course I document this.
What do you mean?
Wish we could hear a little more detail about the comments.
Yeah.
And Thai people are small. Of course. They're built like a very slender build.
No, we're women.
Who sees a croc drowning and goes, I got to get in there?
Yeah.
Those are croc paws.
The croc paw has the same mentality as those Thai people.
Okay. She sounds like she comes from the Bert School of Impressions. He does similar accents. Yeah. I'm a good fan.
How is this a fucking four minute video? How long? This bitch talks like this for this long?
Okay.
Oh my God, please.
Thanks a lot for that. Real nice treat.
So Bad Thoughts comes out May 13th. And don't forget the Two Bears 5K is May 4th in Tampa, Florida.
I'm on tour. TomSaguro.com slash tour for tickets.
Lip shits are on sale for Christine.
That was a horrible video.
Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you next week.
By the way, I just want to tell people, real soon here, the Two Bears 5K is coming up. It's going to be May 4th in Tampa, Florida. TwoBears5K.com has all the information. I'll be there. All 285 pounds of Bert will be there. We have Jelly Rolls joining us. We have some other celebs coming by, some of the Bucks players, cheerleaders. Thousands of people have signed up.
If you have not, I think you can get everything that you need right there at the website, 2bears5k.com. You can run with us in person if you're going to be in Tampa, or you can run virtually online. And you can get your medal, your shirt, the whole thing, all the swag, baby. It's going to be a fun-filled day, actually, if you're there. We'll be at Raymond James Stadium where the Bucks play.
There's going to be music, food, drinks. There's recovery centers. It's a fun day. So come on out May 4th in Tampa, Florida.
5,000 miles. Isn't that crazy? That's fucking terrible. Yeah, it only takes a fucking few days. It's fine.
It's not going to spurt out, is it? No, you'll be good.
Good job.
That was so good. What? What happens next? I want to see the rest of the scene. Do we not have it? I can probably pull it up. Bro, you've got to find this. This is fantastic. First of all, the balls of this guy to talk to his boss like that is crazy. But this guy nails this what. It's so good.
He's like, what?
Beg like a bitch.
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Thanks very much.
The fact that he's going to go from this level of just an incredulous look to on his knees with dicks in his mouth, I don't believe it.
How's that going to happen?
Well, it's great. But I want to know, how quickly does he go from that response to participating?
That's like the scene work I want to see. I agree.
I agree. It's really crazy.
Oh, my God.
Can he stay out of trouble for two weeks?
Well, he can. He's just got to be safe. That's not going to happen. So he's got to be safe. He's got to not get arrested again. He probably should try to find housing. He's asking online for it. He's like, just let me crash.
Yeah, what's going on with court right now? So he actually, he's in court as we speak. Right now? Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
He had the all-time best statement about, have you been paying your rent? He goes, I'm not a fucking walking ATM.
That's his reply to are you paying rent? Am I a walking ATM? No.
So the fact that, by the way, we love Tony John's. The fact that he thinks this could go any way other than for the homeowner, like the landlords.
But they've gone through the process, though. Like they went through the long process because he's shown the documentation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really cool one.
He's got to pack his bags when he goes to Vegas. He should plan on, and then he's like, oh, but I love Auburn. Like, what the fuck?
I might say her best appearance ever.
Let me just relax.
Well, if I don't have... Don't move the microphone.
Why don't you do it? You can do it.
She's like, grab it.
Yeah. What? No way. Coffee on the way. Coffee on the way. Thank you so much.
Another coffee.
Yeah, and you know what's interesting is that normally I smell your brown. It has a very pungent, sour smell. Oh, stop. No, I'm telling you, I didn't even smell it today.
Have we talked about the crew? Have we talked about the crew?
Did we talk about the cruise?
What's wrong with you? Headphones on your cheek. Are you testing me? I'm stupid. Can I talk? Talk nice.
That was so much fun reliving it like that.
She was a little, I mean, look, she was a little out there. She was out of it. She'd taken some edibles.
That was amazing.
She really was. Did you take her shopping?
Well, rest assured, she went through my closet last night and took out a jacket.
Yeah. She got something. Don't worry. Not surprised.
You guys had a row. Yeah. As the Brits say, governor, a bit of a row.
I sure did. Well, she was a little blitzed maybe when she left and may have said some things. You know what I mean?
Okay.
It's a whole story. It's a whole story.
And what's really special is that it's both of us. It's a collaborative thing. It is. And I love this. I can't encourage this enough.
I'm just so thrilled as an artist to have my work featured on somebody's body forever now.
That's so cool.
Oh, my God, please. And by the way, don't think I'm resting on my laurels just because of this success. I'm already developing my next piece of art. You are my muse, Tom.
You are my muse, and I know exactly what I'm going to do.
Oh, that's why it's the roogies in there.
Maybe don't drink coffee.
Oh, I miss him. You're definitely a single woman because you got the single woman tell that damn smoke detector. How do you live with that?
Specifically, the smoke detector that keeps chirping. How do you live with that?
Hold on, because I've often used the spray to stimulate my anal.
Oh, my God. It keeps going beep.
That smoke detector that's beeping in the background. There's a smoke detector. Um... It beeps every 30 seconds and it goes beep.
Told you guys that they don't hear it after a while.
But then I'd stop the spray once the brown comes down.
You didn't notice it. And it's one of the first things men notice about you ladies because a man would not sit there with that thing beeping like that. Every 30, every 15 seconds, it beeps. Okay, noted. And my point is, guys, the things that we notice, they don't notice. They just, they get comfortable.
insane how does she sleep at night she's tuned it out she didn't even hear it well that's really interesting because it's one of the marks of a cool guy very early in ymh history yeah the chirp the chirp that was that's always part of their thing well schizophrenic minds can um kind of make sense of a lot of things that shit out it's official crazy i got a shit let's take a quick break
You're crazy. Who does that? Yeah. Why would you do that? Aren't you afraid you're going to cut it off or it'll spook it?
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I think it's too much stimulation for me, and I cut it off.
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God, that feels like an eternity ago.
Vaguely.
No, because we didn't have kids then. We were still like normal people.
I was so starstruck. I remember being on that lineup with you. I was like, it's Jim Norton. Oh, my God.
Do you think you ate something questionable last night?
Well, what I love about you is that you are so open about your sexual proclivities or your, quote, deviancies and all of that. And I think in watching somebody who accepts themselves, even if you hate yourself so fully, it allows other people to accept themselves.
You never know.
Because it's the mirror. It's too much because some people aren't conscious, I think, of what it is.
So if you're like, like I was trying to do this bit for the longest time about how women can hate their husbands when you first have a child. Because it's true. The woman carries the baby for nine months. We're exhausted. We give birth and then we breastfeed. Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck have you done? And that's just a very normal, it eventually subsides.
I know. I know. It's weird. I had a little irritation in my bowel too where something triggered it and I was just making soft browns for days. You know when something like irritates your intestines?
But I just couldn't sell it because the women are sitting next to their husbands in the audience.
Everything's great.
But I think it's natural.
Yeah, because now I have to blame my own mental illness. I blame it on my relationship I had with my father and that he was abandoning. And then I can tie it back to me projecting it on him. And then it gets safer.
She's messed up. She's so mentally ill. Yeah, she's crazy.
But doesn't that help when they think you're crazy? And I think that helps.
Or my partner. I don't like hearing. Just husband, wife.
What?
Do you do we?
But it's kind of nice because then you're cleaning house.
feel like we should do it the way like a you know like a couple like you would would do it like well yeah the pregnancy thing is absurd but but even one time i remember one time tom and i probably remember i'm gonna say uh we're in the airport getting ready to go on a vacation together and he gets a phone call and he's like i'm going to hawaii and i was like just you just you and i was like what about us as a family we we are going and you got remember that
It's cool.
Yeah.
Right. Both things can be true. One just makes you a little more selfish.
Hold on, Your Honor. I think it was your mother who you're talking to. And you're like, I'm going to Hawaii. And I was like, you're not going to Hawaii.
That's the troubling part, isn't it?
It annoyed me.
Yeah, definitely. Because in New York, isn't it... What is it called? Common... Or what is it?
I don't know.
Yes.
Can I ask you the dumbest question?
Yep. So, so hold on. Okay. So you married, you married, but you're married to a trans woman.
So are you married like boy, girl married or are you boy, boy married?
I thought you were going to play something different.
But what do you mean? What's the because you kind of went like, oh, I mean, I don't know.
Your wife is lovely. I got to get to know her a little bit in the green room at mothership.
Gorgeous.
Sweet and funny. And like, it's just so cool. And I'm really happy for you. I mean, I don't know you really well, but you seem very happy and very much in love. And like, this is a good relationship.
Well, that's what I was going to ask you. Who were you dating before her? I don't want to limit. Had you dated men? Had you dated women?
You don't like masculinity.
Like being around that. Okay.
Would it be like you're sexually gay, but you don't like gayness? Would that be somewhat?
Bisexual then.
Not to label it, because I actually don't like all these labels.
Yeah, I think that's very natural.
Maybe you're like the future of human sexuality. Yeah.
Well, it might. Look, we have Will Blunderfeld on the show, and he encourages straight men to try, quote, gay things. Like, I don't know. Is it society that tells men? Because women can make out with women. Let's say even in the 90s in college, it was totally fine if I wanted to make out with a girl.
Was that the first penis you'd ever touched?
This friend at five, yeah.
It's amazing.
Tom, I have to say this before we get along. I mean, I'd like to change the topic to something a little more dignified. I don't understand why it's so funny to you. What's so funny? You got to bring me them nipples. Oh, my God.
But also, Tommy, well, yeah, of course. But don't you find, too, that, like...
But I love that time of radio, because I would go between you guys and Stern, and that was such a good time. There was that window before this cancel culture started where shit was actually really hard and funny.
No notes. Nobody telling you what you can and can't fucking say.
You're the worst.
I was going to say that I noticed over Christmas vacation a while ago.
that I have a specific protocol as I'm browning, meaning I can't read a book and brown. It's too distracting. I can't look at just videos and brown. I can't be texting and browning. I have to be playing Tetris. And if I'm not... Wow.
Oh, I loved him.
God, I memorized his stuff.
That's awesome.
Yeah, and so bright, too.
No, I'm serious. And I can't be watching TikTok. I have to play Tetris.
That's sad. Oh, yeah, I mean, that's just... Dude, I had a philosophy professor that changed my life. This guy was fucking dying. Back it up. He had built his own log cabin before he was a philosophy professor. He was a professional or semi-professional boxer. He had lived this incredible life, became a philosophy professor, had an affair with his student, ended up marrying her, making a kid.
The kid ended up going to the college. This guy led such a great life. And then he was dying of cancer. And then he taught existentialism through his treatment and dying of cancer, which was so fucking crazy and surreal to actively be dying and to teach young kids about life and death at the same time. The guy changed my life forever. You know, like they open your mind and his penis was delicious.
I'm excited. There's going to be a snowstorm tomorrow.
Yeah. I know that's where you were going with it.
We know that. Especially, it's weird when we're alone with our kids, you seem to disappear for like an hour.
That's amazing.
That's it? It's just a drawing? Oh man, they should have really... I thought they'd go harder on the image. You'll ski like a .
Yeah, especially when they were young. That was really weird.
Legs are... Gross exaggerator. Yeah. Anyway, buy my Perfect Four lipsticks, you guys. I'm wearing the Perfect Red right now. I suggest you just buy all four. Why not? They're the perfect colors. I got Madison, Berlin, Perfect Red, and Atomic at ChristinaP.com.
Dude, even, like, vandalism, like, you put a dick on a billboard, and I'm going to giggle every fucking time.
When it's funny, or even, I don't know if you did this growing up, when you'd make a googly eye, you erase around the eyeball of somebody in the black and white book, you know, something like a picture, and then you make the eye big and googly. Like even that, I'll show you one.
And that dick is great.
More coming. I'm just so pumped. I love doing these.
Oh, my God.
But see, this would make me like Samsung a lot more.
Remember when he covered, so there is a gay bar in Silver Lake called MJ's, right by our house.
And didn't he, he made a banner.
In Silver Lake.
It's like a staple.
God damn it. I thought we were past it. I tried to get us past it. Hold on. What's your protocol? Your protocol?
You did.
You're great at sketches. You're really good at that. Coming up with a funny scenario, I think you're really good at that.
You know what I'm always jealous of are the Twitter people.
Sure.
No, and it always makes me laugh.
Oh, God.
Hey girls, if you want to look more appealing to me, forget the push-up bras and push up the sides of your mouth. A smile is the new tits!
What are you looking at? Like I found that even specific content I won't brown to.
No, and he makes it, though.
That's funny because when I walk by the toilet, I don't hear silence.
I usually hear silence.
But see, a lot of that is like the machine, too, of publicists and also who's publishing that. It's usually one team of peeps.
Most of the time it sounds like violence, and I'm like, dude, he is loving that shit.
You guys both are on the same list.
There you go. You guys are on the same list.
Do you feel better now?
Violence.
Are we on?
Oh, you made it.
What year is this?
Yeah, this is old.
Yeah.
But here's the thing, Jim Norton, is that if I want to hear about giving a five-year-old kid a blowjob, I want it from you. You're the only guy that can tell that story.
exactly yeah sorry when you were five but I mean do you know what I mean like John Mulaney can't do that I don't want him to do that I know I don't want him to blow five-year-olds you know what I mean it's also my favorite to add to that it's my favorite type of you guys know what I'm fucking saying you schmucks god you guys are so immature grow up to make it real clear Jim is not talking about blowing kids now yeah he doesn't blow kids no no no I was also five yeah yeah yeah yeah
I'm trying to give him a compliment.
The point is, I like, but I like the deep weirdos and I've always liked that.
And I'm not going to like, I don't like the stuff everyone else likes. You know what I mean? I think it's more valuable. Yeah. That you're a bit of a dark horse, a weirdo. I like that.
That's what I hear through the door. Yeah. And also, and this is like, listen, I've just come to terms with it as part of our marriage.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah. True story.
But I've often wanted to talk to you through the door as you're browning.
When it's a surprise like that, when you sit down to make brown and then you get a bonus brown.
He's so funny.
So funny, especially in this movie.
You don't. And I know that about you now. No.
Because syndication didn't exist until I Love Lucy, I think.
You've never seen an episode, and I have to watch.
Like, I know. I've seen Take Outs or whatever. Wow. I've never watched a full episode, no.
No, I was watching Mr. Ed growing up.
And the Jeffersons, but that's not black and white.
Fuck. That's how he laughed, though.
Dude, I could see myself doing this, though.
He just slid.
Right in the kneecap.
Yeah.
Is this how congested it is when you sled? No, this is crazy.
Oh, dicks. Well, then fuck you. Oh, I don't like this one. Oh, fuck it. Okay, I like this one.
This isn't like a dirt bike, is it?
It's different. He's using the wrong bike.
Dude, the skin just came off his face.
And usually these artists, they do evolve. Like RPC, he's taken on different identities. Lucifer's lair. Professor Cumdump, right?
That sounds really nice.
Did you watch that on the toilet this morning?
But you're right. Unc never wavers. Maybe he changes his hat.
Would you marry your mom? No. Come on.
I don't know.
No.
Yes.
One love. He's talking to Mary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you eating that bran?
It is. And why change perfection? He's figured out the formula that works for him.
Well, of course. Well, because RPC is evolved. He is an artist. He is creative. He does have different things.
No, you can't.
Because I've been eating that. I sprinkle it on my yogurt, and boy, does that make me...
It's way better.
No, he's amazing.
What's with the fire? What's he doing there?
But here's the deal, man. Why do I feel nothing but love? I got to be honest with you. The feelings I get watching these gentlemen, Unk makes me feel a little scared.
And I feel repelled by that. But for RPC, I want him to get what he wants.
Why is that?
God, he's so charming. Is it the charm? Is it the...
Do not trust this man.
Fraud by trying to copy my hats and caps fashion and put my name on it. Oh, wow.
Maybe I feel a kinship with RPC because he is a comedian. He is a singer. He is an actor. He's a performer. And he's a lover of animals. Great guy. But I don't know much else about Unkshine. Maybe if I knew a little bit more about him personally.
Whoa, whoa, hold on. It says 2390, second half.
That's inaccurate. I think Wagner House is like that whole block. Yeah, it is. It's kind of like laid on there. Thank God. I didn't want to spread misinformation there, you know.
Boy, was she ever.
Knowing what I know now and all the technology that's out there. And fake voices and everything else, you know. Ding, ding, ding.
Voices and everything else. Ding, ding, ding.
Oh mein Gott!
Oh nein.
I want to show up. I want to show up. I want to show up.
Okay.
Everyone should seek out a fallout shelter as soon as possible. I already know where this is going. Is it a white product?
Are you having a good day? Huh?
2012.
I think she was too shocked by the whole thing.
Because I hang out with alphas. I would say you and Joe and not Bert, but other men that are very... Strong men.
The guys that you think are like this in private are not like this at all. They're very tempered. They're very smart.
Fuck that guy.
It's very Gordon Gekko. Is that his name?
Yeah, it's very Wolf of Wall Street, like douchebag 80s.
Especially if you've got time to have this much of an entourage and like a school of dudes with you. Like, what are you doing? You don't need 10 guys in your plane.
Fucking idiot. Yeah, prove it.
To get a deal done.
That's right, Tom.
Yeah, stupid. And why come when I go to the beaches and you look out there, water's fucking flat, bro.
I would love to do that. There's power lesbians that run tons of cool stuff.
That'd be so rad. Dude, I would go to a power lesby seminar. Those bitches know what's up. They're not constrained, confined by the patriarchy standards of beauty or behavior, anything.
It ain't curved, right, dummy?
I love that stuff. God, I wish I were a lesbian.
Research. You're doing it.
I so wanted to send you.
Can I just praise you for a moment, by the way? Speaking of positive male energy.
Yes. Okay. A while ago, I was at my hardcore weightlifting gym, my masculine energy gym.
Do your research. Do your own research.
Where actual real dudes lift.
And I finally got to meet face-to-face Brigham Bueller.
Yes. He's been on Joe's show. You guys, everybody knows him in Texas.
He's amazing. He's such a great, you know, entrepreneur. Yeah. And he's also very fit too. So anyway, we ran into each other at the gym and I just wanted to pass along a really nice compliment he gave you. He goes, you know, Tom has gotten into such amazing shape and the fact that he does it on the road is, is incredible. How is he even doing that? And I was like, well, he's very dedicated.
When he lands in a city, he goes to work out. You're on a very strict thing. And he was very complimentary of you and your dedication to Sparkle Motion.
And then is he like, are you fucking lifting, bro?
I'm not fucking working out.
They're good people. But, I mean, also, it's kind of an appropriate discussion for our guest that's going to be coming in today, fitness and stuff.
I really would. I really would. Dude, your beard is growing back at such a rapid pace. It's kind of freakish. You're like a werewolf.
I've been holding onto that topic for so long. Before our guest shows up, can you please show the Ilaria Baldwin clip that I sent in this morning? I'm dying to get into this. So as you guys know, she's got a TLC show with her husband and her 10 million children.
She's transracial, and it's cool that we live in a time where you can just pick whatever you want to be. I think she really likes being Latin. She just likes it. She likes it. It's fine. So anyway, there's this clip I got sent today of her and Alec in a fight. And apparently when Ilaria, Hillary, gets fired up, she tends to pick up her Spanish cadence.
But that's what she does. She forgets her native language a lot.
But Tom, is it possible her soul is Latin?
Hispanic.
Sorry. I always goof that up with you people.
Your touch, you're fingering my lipsticks. Is that because you miss wearing... They don't want to hear that. Nobody wants to hear your beard flakes.
That's probably the greatest line. Slow down a kiss.
Guys, buy my Perfect Red. Buy my Berlin, my Madison, my Atomic Red at ChristinaP.com. Tom wore my lipstick.
But you can see her turn.
What a great voice that Alec Baldwin has.
He needs to do every voiceover on everything ever. I just love him.
I would love to hear his voice, like in the subway or his voice in the airport.
God, I would love that.
Make a right here.
It's got to be, right?
I know. Let him be my Siri voice.
I want to do that and I want to do that.
Rafael.
Yeah. So you're a Spanish speaker. Her Spanish, like you always tell me if they speak it well or not. Does she have a great Spanish accent or just like an okay one?
She really is. So she's meant to be Hispanic, as you say.
Is she Catalan? What is she doing?
That's impressive. So maybe that's her thing, you know? She's like, look.
How'd it feel? I'm being serious. It's a very luxurious product, you know?
Yeah, I think her parents moved there at retirement is what it was.
She liked it. She liked it. But I think the problem was when she started out claiming to be Spanish, when she started dating Alec.
I know. And she didn't think that people could, like, check her work. Like, journalists are going to check and see, oh, are you really Spanish?
Yeah, she could just move to like a small town and just be Ellaria as much as she wanted. If she moved to like Iowa, then she'd be like the belle of the ball, you know? No, not in two dark titties.
That's true. You know why? A lot of red lipsticks or highly pigmented lipsticks take the moisture out of your lip, and then the next day you're just like, ugh, dry. Were your lips dry the next day?
Slovak.
That's not true.
I've never known somebody that really wanted to be Spanish.
That's so true because growing up, I was so embarrassed to be Hungarian because it's not a cool European. So I used to wish I were English or anything French, German.
It's not one of the sexy ones. No. What Latin did you want to be?
That's cool. Yeah, Colombian's kind of hard.
Yeah, they're like the white Latins.
It is. Yeah. That's too far out there. Yeah. You're not a part of that. I used to want to be German cause my grandmother was born there. Right. Like I have German roots and that language is a little more common.
It's so hard to, nobody speaks Hungarian. This is terrible. The German, gosh, that would have been.
I know, it sucked. And then, you know, in the 80s, we were at war with Russia, so everyone thought we were Russians. I'm like, I'm not a fucking dirty Russian, okay?
Get that shit out of your mouth.
Don't talk to me. The dog is being good.
Yeah, let's go.
Better known as fucking Brian. Fucking Brian.
Fucking Brian.
Oh, the Gothic Illuminati?
Thank you.
It's satanic. Well, Obama with his flag and the three stripes.
Hilarious. Comedians, just by the way, just so you guys know.
stand-up comics particularly we have we're nowhere near illuminati okay that's not us we're the lowest on the show business total no nobody talks to us nobody cares do anything yeah that's not us that's the music business guys actors do crazy stuff yeah we don't do we're on the other end we get the demons out okay so we don't need to do crazy stuff like
So am I. I'm feeling healthier. I'm feeling alive and alert. How about you?
My stepsister, she texted and she was like, oh my God, you finally met Robert Smith?
Because she saw it on Instagram. I'm like, dipshit. Yeah.
She's not, this is my youngest one. She's not very bright.
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Whatever. She's sweet though.
I was like, hey dummy, that's my, that's my husband. That's Tom. She's like, oh my God.
Alfalfa.
Are we there?
Aren't you afraid, are you afraid you might inadvertently hurt yourself trying these things out?
You can go on a retreat that he gives.
He's in Canada. I swear to God.
Get that timer. Well, Josh Solo isn't here today.
However, look at his skin, glowing. I mean, he's in great health.
Have you tried?
Mousers.
You guys are two peas in a pod.
Even your physicality, watching the two of you have chats and you're both working out and it's like, it's really nice actually. You don't see that very often. Now, you guys only took each other's plasma once.
That's it?
Mousers. Meow, meow, meow, meow. That was cool.
Hold on, though. Can you break up the calcifications? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe. It sounds logical.
Yeah, we saw you drinking that one.
Well, I put it on all my food.
The drinking of it. It was hard to watch.
We love olive oil. That's how we cook. We don't cook with anything.
Okay, I'll try it.
So he's legumes, he's veggies, he's olive oil.
Your browns must be incredible.
How many times a day are we going? Just in the morning?
That's a nice bit.
Hold on. Speaking of alcohol, it's on the carcinogen list.
Yes. I just had a bout of breast cancer and my oncologist says that it's on the list.
I'm fine.
Cancer-free. I'm just going to have my breast reconstructed in August. And I was curious about how did this happen to me?
Okay. It was hormonal-based. It was a very rare form of cancer. But my oncologist told me that one in six women will have breast cancer. One in six. And I said, why? The environment, plastics and everything. Yeah. And so, you know what I started doing, like a real wacko? Hydroponic gardening. I'm growing my own vegetables. And everyone thinks I'm nuts, too. But it tastes incredible.
You take a piece of lettuce off your own hydroponic garden with seeds that are non-GMO. It tastes unreal. It's not like the crap. Now, are you growing your own veg? Because, you know, to get those nutrients... You're not going to like HEB or whatever and buying vegetables.
You should.
with non-GMO seeds.
There's different sizes. No matter what space you have, you can do it. There's one that just grows lettuce that you can have in your home.
But you're spending that much on organic produce.
So then what the fuck are you eating, Brian?
Yeah, are you going to really put it in my coffee? Is that going to taste good?
Are you sure?
I'm afraid. Oh, God.
Is it unhealthy to drink coffee?
It does. Yeah, that's normal.
Oh, it is good. That's pleasant.
It's just, it's pleasant. It's not, oh wow, try it.
Juiced up. Is today a Jewish holiday?
Do you drink alcohol? I know. Okay. So that's why that's a huge thing.
Try this. It's actually really good.
Okay, have Brian put it in because he has the right amount. He knows how much to put in. It's actually good. I'm embarrassed to say. I didn't want to like it. I didn't want to like you. I watched your documentary. I liked you. Because I just saw you on TikTok, Brian. And I was like, this guy's out of his mind. It's like everybody is. And then you're like, oh, it's not. And look, what's the harm?
Obviously, you're doing this to yourself. You're a grown up. This is your choice. You can do whatever the heck you want to your body. You want to staple your, your nuts to your leg. You can do that.
I think the shot, how is it? Hold on.
It's actually really good.
Well, I read that it has antioxidant properties after I got diagnosed with cancer. I was reading about cancer diets.
What?
That's a long fast.
I don't know. 5,000 milligrams?
How long have you been on it? I don't know. Honestly, I think I do one. A couple months now.
I like it. Like what you're saying, I eat a very light dinner and then I fast until lunchtime the next day and I have a decent healthy lunch, a lot of veg, lean protein, and then I have a light dinner and then I'm back. I don't do alcohol anymore because of the cancer stuff. Not too much dairy. I try not to consume dairy. I like it. I feel lighter. I like to feel, and here's the truth of it.
I like to feel skinny. I like to have my clothes fitting me loose and you, you know, you can move better. It's good.
How much are you doing it? Let's talk about that machine.
Did we sanction this?
And for your organs, for the oxygenation of all your organs. That's why you people do that nutty stuff.
Hyperbaric chamber chat is a little funny.
Oh, Patrick Bateman, totally. You're a vampire Patrick Bateman.
I'm like, who... That's so precise. It's just the way your mind works. We're sloppy comedians. We don't think that way. You know?
Very rigorous.
That's what I was going to ask you. What does Brian Johnson do for fun?
Did you do drugs? Did you do LSD? Did you mushroom? Did you do shrooms?
Did you flog yourself after?
What temperature are you sleeping?
Well, he travels a lot for work, so we don't sleep in the same bed often.
We have separate comforters.
But that circadian, that rhythm you're talking about, like when I got diagnosed with breast cancer, I was like, what? And I thought back to the last 15 years of being on the road like that. I was working like that too. And now you're not sleeping properly. You're not eating properly. And since I've been home and off the road, I feel so much better.
yeah well there's some people that sleep is the thing it is especially for women our rhythms are different than men our hormones are regulated through sleep you got us i sleep more than him yeah you know and it's harder for women as as women age to get sleep so women have to work harder for high quality sleep than men do as you age even though it's no stuff like menopause you mean like waking up and yeah yeah it's terrible yeah do you do coffee on a month
No, she needs to be on a vegan plant-based diet.
Yeah, I'm not afraid to say that. What's with the haircut? That's an interesting haircut. He's got a part.
You got to get into this.
You're not even drinking your urine.
And you're not giving yourself coffee enemas.
What's the... Sharpen your sword.
Okay. No, I don't read that.
He wants to be that guy.
He's hoping people see him that way. But I think he looks sweet with his little beard.
Thank you.
Yeah, and his little glasses and his sweet little Hitler haircut. Look at that. He's got a side part like Hitler. And then it's this long.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, and he had tits. He had really nice jigglers. I'm jealous.
His tits are nicer than mine right now. You know, I'm thinking Andrew Tate is the OG, right?
100% kosher.
But he's legit that guy, right? You know what I mean? Andrew was a fighter. He's an entrepreneur. He's fit. He wears the suits. These guys are like, oh, I want to be that guy maybe.
They're fantastic. Hold on. Hold on. How old is your jet?
No, will you be getting another jet?
You're aging every time you get on one of those. Yeah, the rays, the UV rays.
I kind of feel that way too, babe. But in truth, because you do travel constantly, it's built into your business. It's a necessity.
What about a backup plane? Mark Cuban has a backup plane.
Now what happened to your nail polish? You're not doing your nails blue.
Yeah, and he drank the whole thing.
You know, you said that you're socially awkward in the documentary. I don't think you are. I think you're fine.
We're all comedians, entrepreneurs. We're all you. Yeah, but you're not. But you're not. You're just precise. You're one of those guys.
Okay. I'm writing it down.
All right. I believe I'm on the premise.
Clear conscience, babe.
You know, stupid.
Now, what happens if those people listening are drinking a few beers, having the pizza and then going to bed?
Well, it's also you're making that guy rich because, like, give me $3,000 and I'll make you a guy. You don't have any money?
So when you're saying to trash collectors so people understand, it's like cellular repair. They're picking up toxins. Is that what you mean by that?
So this is why you take all these supplements and you do this stuff so that everything is at optimal performance. So your body is not in like a deficit.
So now you're optimal and then your body can just clean the organs.
Clean everything every night.
These are alphas.
What about your fitness, man? What are you doing? What's the fitness routine?
Well, I'll tell you, this traveling commercial, you'll get colds and stuff. Do you work out when you're sick?
Does that wear down your organs?
Yeah. Why, the carbon footprint thing?
And also, I will say, the one thing I really, Tom and I both agreed with you so much, in the beginning of the documentary, you talk about how the mind can tell you what to do. The mind tells you what to eat. And I think... The average bear watching you goes, well, where's the joy? You're not eating this. You're not enjoying your Coca-Cola, your pizza, your hot dog.
It's like, yeah, but once you realize those things aren't actually bringing you joy.
This is the lie.
But how would the average person kick this notion that, well, without wine, without pizza, without these junky things in my life, how will I be happy? How do you kick it?
He's great. You guys would definitely bro down.
He's great. Go do his show.
And you two, with your personalities, I think, right? Can't you see the two of them? Yes. Yeah. You'd like him very much.
Come back when you're 120.
Fucking Brian. Yeah, it's fucking guys out of his goddamn mind. Okay. All right.
The banking industry.
That's how showbiz runs. Are you a good person?
They control it all.
Hell yeah, dude. I just wish they'd take their dicks out and start jacking each other right there.
Everybody's dick is so hard right there, huh?
Of course Jews control the weather and the aliens.
I know. Is this the Edith Bojitski school? This is how my mother talks.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't know that?
That's right, and now we use it for YMH Studios.
Well, the problem is they're not doing their own research.
You got to get online and do your own research, dummy.
testosterone this guy is that what makes their faces red yeah the teeth so flush yeah yeah it's so high level in him you're like this is not a natural skin his whole thing is like be fucking jacked if you want to work for me you gotta be jacked oh yeah i've seen those videos that's if you work here we played those guys i love it i love it but i have to say i prefer this to like the sensitive ponytail guy vibe who lies to women and is like
I've never received a blowjob to completion.
I prefer this because it's masculine. I'm into this.
Yes, they're overcompensating.
Alaska, Idaho, and Montana, get ready. My Come Together Tour is coming your way this week. Thursday, April 24th, I'll be at the Sullivan Arena in Anchorage, Alaska. Saturday, April 26th, I'll be at Idaho Falls at the Mountain America Center. And then Sunday, April 27th, I'll see you at First Interstate Arena at Metropark in Billings, Montana. Get tickets now at tomscura.com slash tour. Thank you.
There you go.
You couldn't have done something that bad.
Ghost crew, you know what I'm saying? God, ghost crew. Yeah, they always gave us bangers, man.
You tweeted the N-word?
It's definitely your last day here, bro. Fuck. I'm so fucked. Yeah, you definitely got to pack up.
Maybe, you know, Cholo stuff.
Well, damn, that definitely got everybody on the social media team into a meeting that day. For sure. They're like, everybody go to the conference room real quick. We have something we need to discuss.
Yeah.
For Lynn and Madison.
Yeah, check this out.
Watch this bullshit. Scott Welsh, he did a Muppet-style spinoff where he takes podcast clips and he posts them. He put this one out the other day.
Dennis, does he, where's his stuff? Is he in?
The main thing is that you're getting all the benefits of an eating disorder. Yeah. You know, without all the health complications. It's good.
And also we love the Muppets.
Yeah.
He was the magic. Sometimes you can't duplicate it.
Yeah.
There you go. Stop looking gay.
Smoke like an adult.
Yeah.
It was so fun the other day. We were talking about babies with the boys. Yeah. And they were like, why do you give a baby? I go, well, babies love spicy sausage. So if you ever have a baby, you give them real spicy sausages. And then you give them cigarettes and tequila. And they were laughing so hard. They're like, to a baby? I was like, yeah, man.
Babies love to smoke, drink, and eat spicy foods. And they were like, ah.
Yeah, they know. They know they're putting it together.
I was like, no, man. Not a thing. So much fun. Trying to make a baby strong, you make a baby smoke. So fun. So fun.
You have to spend the night at the restaurant. And they're like, is that true? And I go, yeah.
He was so drunk. He was hammered. And they had like some guys with him who were so put together and they were like, well, Dennis has his own challenges. He means well. They were like, this guy's fucking out of his mind.
That's definitely weird, and it definitely brings about a great segue.
There are some out there checking out just children's entertainment.
The LA Times put out an article that they discovered that fake Down syndrome influencers are being created with AI. They're being used to promote OnlyFans content.
Isn't this insane? I've been waiting for this. We were talking about, like, what's going on? Like, how are all these Downs people just being like, you want to fuck? It's so great. Here's what it says. A disturbing trend has emerged in which artificial intelligence is being used to create fake Instagram influencers with Down syndrome to promote adult content.
According to a report from 404 Media, this practice often involves stealing content from real creators and replacing their faces with AI-generated ones. These fabricated personas are then used to sell explicit content, exploiting the fetishization of disabilities. One of the most notable AI-generated influencers is at Maria Dopari. Can you pull up hers? Is her Instagram still there?
Nope.
So it's not. Oh, it's not.
It is down. So she got, I mean, the LA Times article.
This was her. These accounts typically recycle content using, reusing videos, bios, and linking to the same adult content platform. While many of the AI generated faces appear convincing at first glance, subtle distortions and inconsistencies often reveal their artificial nature.
And then it says, some of these AI personas explicitly reference their appearance in relation to adult content, even using phrases like only down as part of their marketing.
So that's the answer to this. When we were like, what's going on with Down's adult content? It's AI generated.
Well, this is a perfect chance to segue into one of Annie's inner thoughts.
Yeah. And for Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-un loves NBA basketball. So they went there on like a humanitarian trip. And I think they were all retired former players and they played like the North Korean national team. And I believe they lost.
I would say I've watched all of his content. And he definitely purports to be still active in the player community.
Still has a lot of wisdom. A lot of wisdom to share, okay?
So it's a really interesting point that he's making, though.
So what he's saying is like some girls are saying specifically like, oh, I don't give head.
Right. And he's saying, no, bitch, it's all on the menu. The menu is the menu, meaning you do do it all. Don't give me this shit. I only do this and that.
If I want this, this is what you're doing. If you're not participating in this section of the menu, then you're fucking full of shit. Get out of here. So you do give head, period.
Yeah, yeah. But everyone was kind of like, yeah, it's fine. Go ahead and lose.
Like, don't. Don't embarrass them.
No, he's just saying like, I want head. If your point of view is that's not really something I'm into, he's like, get the fuck out of here. That's not an option to say that.
Yeah, he was ripped that whole trip. Yeah, he was ripped.
The shades are an interesting choice for these videos.
I like seeing the ring light in them.
Yeah. I don't think we've ever seen that. He prioritizes video quality and audio.
Yeah.
He's not a mess.
It's pretty cool.
It is pretty cool.
The clip. Oh, the clip that you've been talking about. Okay, here we go.
The breathing is menacing.
I understand.
Yeah.
Well, it'd be a lot easier to watch if it was a female's, you know?
No, well, I don't know if it's gay things bother me. It's just that I go like, ugh. I always think of like anytime I see a man's foot, period, like even in flip-flops, I'm just always like, ugh. Like I just have kind of disdain for men's feet. But I understand that like he's gay, so there wouldn't be the same level of disdain. But I just, I can't. I can't dismiss my own disdain for a man's foot.
Maybe some blood is in there too.
So much sweat.
Oh, this guy's in heaven. That part I understand how sweet this is to him. Yeah. I get it on that level. Sure. It's the source of it for me that I'm like, oof.
Like if this was a guy who was like, oh, I got this from a female volleyball player. Even then I'd be like, it's different.
He hit up somebody.
I don't think there's a going rate. I think this guy just hit somebody up and was like, hey, man, what would it take? And that guy was probably like, give me a grand or something, you know.
You don't usually come in and go, I can't wait to show you this thing.
I know, which is also upsetting as the player.
Yeah, you never, like, every time you put it on, you're like, this sock is, yeah.
Help. Pricing a sock sale. Okay. He wants me to wear socks and shoes 10 days in a row. Says he likes them very dirty. How much would you charge? I sell usually $10 per day.
I might be underselling. I'm new in the foot market, but 10 days seems like it should be really expensive. I just can't come up with a number that's fair to me. So this is somebody asking. 200 sounds reasonable.
I think you need to take into consideration what brand you are wearing and what else is being provided with the sale. One of my friends does the socks fetish and her starting price for 24 hours of wear is $45. There you go. If you want them worn longer, then it's $10 a day if she provides pictures or a clip that's also extra.
I think when it comes to used items, Reddit gives you a false idea of what you can sell. I do the sneaker fetish. And once I wear them, I wince every time I see someone try and sell their sneakers for $50. Oh, yeah.
Well, it looks like there's a big debate going on on what the price should be. But I understand that. How do you price it? That's a big deal.
No, I don't think he did.
That's really what you're paying for it. You're like, all right.
No, I'm saying you're being compensated for your own discomfort at that point. Yeah.
Well, this was really cool. I appreciate it. I've been just like... And your friends have been sharing this?
That's really cool, man.
The history of olfactophilia has been present for a considerable amount of time in years. The used socks fetish has been derived as a subset of this. In 94, a study was conducted which found that 45% of people were... The foot fetish are interested in smelly socks. This shows that there is a common interest between olfactophilia and foot fetishism. Can you make money? Yes. How much?
As mentioned above, socks can sell up for $60 and more. Obviously, it depends on a few factors, such as activities performed in them, duration, and wear of also material. There's a bunch of, yeah.
It is an incredible country.
You've got to start selling this stuff, man.
That's the site. Wow. It's a trusted marketplace, safe and anonymous.
Over 1.5 million users and growing.
Well, I think... Gentlemen, if you wouldn't mind setting up an account and maybe getting some stuff for us to explore what's going on in this space. And have everything approved by me first. Send me what you're thinking of and then I'll...
tell you whether or not to bid on it all right let's and do that today jello let's transition to another you called him cholo cholo yes um what is up with you you're gonna have a stroke why am i gonna have a stroke you keep mispronouncing words i was just so sexually aroused i kind of just stuttered um speaking of getting my dick hard what's happening She's showing you those neck veins.
Look at that. The traps.
But we have different people that like different things here.
Those veins are awesome, man.
She's so vascular. You don't like that at all?
Well, it's a whole lane.
Muscle mama. She's 180 pounds, bodybuilding adult model. Yeah. Neck vein lover. Isn't that crazy? That's a whole other lane.
Guys are cool.
Yeah.
To think that that's really, I never even thought of that.
Some people go, oh, neck veins are my, like.
This is just showing that neck vein.
And that's making some guy JSD right now. Yeah.
So do I, but I'm just saying that this is obviously popular. I like seeing that neck pain, baby.
Yeah.
Really?
So Gayle King, Lauren Sanchez.
What about Lauren?
Jeff Bezos' sweetheart.
That's a factor.
There they are.
Those are the broads in space right now.
And I liked that. They called it a space crew.
a tight bodysuit and that that's the accomplishment yeah you're just a passenger yeah it's not and you didn't build the spaceship you're not an engineer no of course you didn't do anything you're just gonna sit and go for a ride yeah yeah that's hilarious you know i honestly think every time we point out people's i love that i saw a thing i'm a woman that makes it worse sanchez yeah she's wearing um like high heels yeah and she had her zipper open for most of the promos for this i
I'm just going to play our opening clip, but we'll get to your exciting clip soon. Okay. All right. All right. Hold on a second now. Hold on a second now. All right. And here's your opening. Here you go. I don't want to fuck.
She's so about just looking hot.
That's all they are, man.
I really like that this is a diverse group of women.
Because Lauren is Latin. Yeah. Katie's white. I see an Asian lady, two black ladies. It really, I'm just like.
That's so fucking, yeah.
Nope. It's really fucked up. This is so fucked up. It is fucked up, man.
Women supporting women. All right. Should we take a quick break? Yeah. Yeah. Take a quick break and we'll be right back. Sell your socks.
You can catch our next guest on the Growth Spurt Tour right now, or you can see his most recent special, Starfish, available on YouTube. Go to bradwilliamscomedy.com for tickets. It's Brad Williams, everybody.
Let's go. I'm not tired. Thanks for coming in. Of course. Congratulations. How many specials is that now for you?
Yeah.
People always ask that.
Yeah, I know, right?
No, I mean, and then there's the person who's like, I was just trying to help you out.
I made it more interesting when I yelled.
My story was amazing. I went out to do this gig at a casino. Yeah. It was a pretty big one. Somewhere in like, I don't, like central California.
It was a big room. Yeah. And I drove out there with Jay Larson. Yes. So it was the three of us and we get out there and the, the, the, the contact at this venue is,
was like who are you guys and we're like oh we're two of the comics he's like this is brad's show good i told her to say that what a dick we were like wait what do you mean yeah it's the three of us were booked and he was like well i mean you guys are not really like who people are here to see you know and we were like okay and then he was like so all right let's figure out how we're gonna do this
All right. He goes like, Brad's obviously last. So he was like, which one of you guys will go? We were like, I don't know. And he was like, Brad, how do you want it to go? We were like, hey, man, like we are comedians.
And he was like, yeah, but I mean, wait till you see what he does. You're not going to compare to that. And he was straight up like, you guys ain't shit.
My, how times have changed. Oh, no. He was... We were like, all right, man. So then he gave us our assignments. He was like, you do 10, you do 15. Is that cool with you, Brad? And then Brad was like, yeah.
I've had a great one like that in Vegas, too, which the guy was like, do you even do you even know who this other guy like this other comic and i was like no he was like yeah he's he is he is a headliner i was like bro i got booked to close this show he's like there's no way you could follow that guy like the guy i was like So was this the booker, the security guard? Who is this?
This guy just would like sit in his suit at this Vegas. By the way, he ended up like allowing us to trade, me and this other guy. And it was, everything was fine. I was like, yeah, out of your mind. It's great. But at Brad's show, he was right.
Me and Jay did fine. We were like, it was fine. And then Brad went up there and just fucking denied it. And then that guy was like, you see why?
Fuck yeah, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
What happened?
Fuck, man. Yeah. So many bad things can happen. Yeah.
I had a good bit about that many years ago. Yeah. The thing is, I progressed from, I used to call you guys little N-words. So...
me it was like oh i think it was a tell and if it's not a tell oh he he yes it was yes it was floor n words yes yes that is such a good yeah and that's just like i can't beat that no i can never beat i saw him do that live uh in 2011 i still remember yeah at the las vegas uh they were doing a comedy festival okay and that's where he dropped that and i was like
He's the best.
The world is not designed for either of you. Yes. So both of you are adapting in different extremes. Yes. For a world that goes, no, no, we made it for everybody else.
Ball. He drives.
Yeah. Oh, that's cool.
What's that? Because I realized I was in this situation that you have to find yourself in all the time, which is I was at a NBA game and I was on the floor talking to people and two guys that were both like six, nine, seven- were having conversation above me. Yes. And I was like, this is so insane. Yes. And I was like, hello. And they were like, they were here being like, yeah, man.
And they just talked to each other up here. And I was like, so you have to experience that. Oh, it's like, yo, dude.
Yeah.
I did Shaq's podcast and I was like, what's something that is so lame to you? He's like, water bottles. They're so small.
Dude, I brought this up on a podcast once. Yeah. I'm making just like a general observation about imagine being this big and not having the athleticism and not realizing that it would resonate with some people who were like, yeah, man, this is...
This guy was the five foot tall dude who lost his shit in a bagel store for being made fun of for his height. And it went viral. He became, I guess that's why he has a promoter. So I like that. He's like, you want to fuck? Hit up my promoter. Tell him you're from Suffolk County, preferably.
Wait, so who?
You're saying LPs weren't cast. Was somebody else cast for this job?
CGI.
Let's get high and let's fuck. Yeah. Yeah.
Let's go. I feel like that era is over. I don't think anyone would do that now. Yeah. Even if you went on with that, they would be like, yeah, we don't really want to. We don't want to deal with that.
Yeah, I guess he's like, I don't want someone to hit me up that's far from here.
It would have been cool for the actors to get.
Fine.
Because Peter probably started with dwarf roles, I'm sure.
Right.
Yeah, like the bagel shop. I don't know if I can bring this in.
In the role of a lifetime.
Yeah, I played it for McConaughey when he was here. Yeah. I played the trailer. He said he'd never seen it.
This is absolute chaos.
Yeah. Oh, here's when I showed it to McConaughey.
And he was like, I've never seen this. One of the craziest things that I've ever seen.
I'm his brother. We're twins.
I've shown that to so many people and they're like, when the fuck did Esmael do this? I'm like, no, this is real, dude.
You take roles. You have to earn the ability to be like, yeah, I don't do those roles.
When you were a growing, developing young man.
Did it really? So there was a lot of ladies who were like, I want to try this.
women would come up to me after shows and be like this is happening seriously like this is this is happening tonight and i'd be like okay i always wanted to do that yeah were you finding a lot of repeat people or was it just like this is like a dream i've always wanted to try
Well, we were at a gay bar last week, and I can say that they had a fetish for your husband as well.
Don't we all? I mean, you are a bear. One guy was like, oh, yeah, you're definitely a bottom. I was like, excuse me.
Excuse me. Yeah, don't get me wrong. He goes, you're so innocent. I go, I don't think you know what you're saying. Has he listened to the podcast? I was like, jeez. He was pretty drunk. Yeah. I was like, okay, buddy.
Oh, shit.
Oh, yeah.
But damn, I could have been gay. It was very flattering.
You were like, oh, these are... Because you don't hear... Women don't shower you with compliments. Right. So, like, I mean, I've been out and, you know, you... Whatever. You might sense that, like, somebody looks at you and they go, oh, that person is giving me a look. But these guys were straight up like, yes.
Yeah.
You want to hear great job, here's a blowjob. Yeah. It's on the menu, bitch. The menu is the menu.
I get it. Also, I feel like as men, you kind of go like, yeah, of course, your mother is like, I like it. I like when they obviously give me affection too, but I think you feel like, oh, it's really good and healthy that your kid goes, mom is everything. Yeah, definitely. Don't get me wrong. But I love the compliments. I do.
Yeah. Well, they were there.
Is the same guy.
Is it Ivanka? Yeah.
Yeah.
Ivana was the mom. I thought Ivanka was the mom and Ivana is the daughter.
I'm pretty sure Ivanka is the... No, it's Ivanka.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, her birth name is Ivana.
But yeah, that was one of those.
A tiger would always beat a lion in a fight.
Really? Yeah, but I understand what you're saying.
You know that lions don't live in the jungle?
It's a misnomer. It doesn't apply.
I think he probably should have just been like, hit me up.
I don't know if we need a middleman.
Sometimes the internet wins. Listen, you would need a pride to defeat a tiger, okay?
You just don't know.
I go, without a doubt, it's Tiger. The book says Lion. And I just said, we should never play this game again because this is nonsense.
Then I pulled up. He's crazy. I did a bunch of research, and I did screen grabs, and I showed it to my son.
No. Not a bit? I was so fired up about it. Not a project in high school? I was so fired up about it. I knew about... What? Listen, the tiger is bigger. Listen, the tiger is bigger. Well, size doesn't matter. It weighs more. They hunt alone. They are more agile. They jump higher. It is a more ferocious solo cat. And the idea that all things being equal, the lion would win is absurd.
I will never accept it.
Listen to me right now. Josh Zolo, I want you to book a big cat expert to come in here.
I don't think I'll pay for it, but I think this Middle Eastern guy might. Yes. They do it for fun.
And watch big cats fight.
And which I would sign up for if that were somebody else.
Very true. Yeah, the South don't give a shit.
All right, I'm going to show you these clips. You tell me if it's horrible or hilarious.
They're used to more chaos.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
I've got to say, kudos to the cameraman. This is how you want to watch a disaster happen. With real clear composition.
Nope. Guy in a stove. Oh, it's a delivery? All right. It's a delivery. This guy's like, you pick it up. Yeah.
It was crazy that though, I forgot that in the bagel shop, this other guy attacked him, like jumped on him.
Oh!
Yeah. So that was real pain. That was... That... I have to give huge credit. When you get a scream like that, it automatically becomes hilarious. I don't know. Like, if it's a great scream...
Okay.
Probably. Probably. I think they were talking shit about how angry he was in general and everyone was like, just get your fucking bagel. And he brought up like, obviously like real things like I get made fun of and people are always snickering and saying these things about me. And then he got in people's faces and one of them was like, I'll fucking take you down, bro.
He's not strapped into anything. He's going to come down. He's going to come down. I don't see it. This is going to hurt. Is he free climbing? Oh, Jesus Christ. He's solo climbing? He's way up there now, too.
That was really loud. He's totally knocked out.
Oh, yeah, let's see how he did. Let's see what it says here. He was 22 years old. He was practicing for a feet climb. 50 feet he fell. That's dead, right? He never hooked into the fall delay system. You're dead. We just saw a man die. He sustained a major concussion but was conscious and was treated by firemen EMTs. He made a slow full recovery. Wow. What?
The gym is now under investigation for not properly making sure their customers are taking safety measures. Duh. Yeah. This was in Poland. Of course. In Poland. Yeah. He's 22. Young guy, man.
Done. Here's one more for you.
This could go poorly. I don't even know what we're setting up here, but I feel like it's not going to go well.
A seatbelt would have. Yeah. That was. Tips over.
Pretty crazy.
Wow. Full rotation. That's pretty awesome.
And then he flew. No offense. You would have flipped, like, three times.
Yeah.
There's definitely a girl out there for him somewhere. I know there is.
It would be insane.
All right, Christina, you want to show them a few?
There's no way that could beat a tiger. That's a mountain lion.
I have.
I don't know if he does. I think it might be look like. Is that Tyson Fury? He's enjoying it.
Look at the size of the paws.
There's one dude that he had people clearly at his palace. Yeah. And then he just released his tiger into the swimming pool. They were all in the pool and they all were like, they all start freaking out.
Yeah.
that's what I have to worry about is walking down the street like someone mistaken me for a small rodent and then there goes Brad and then that's not by the way that'd be a hilarious way to go hilarious death if a hawk just picked you up oh yeah these guys are all like hanging out like hey it's a pool party it's fun and then homeboy's like oh I got a fun thing to do pose for the pool party and here comes the tiger
That sounds like a goddamn engine start.
So crazy. I would never swim faster. Oh, my God.
I like that it's hashtag Arab hashtag prank. Hashtag Arab pranks.
No.
Freaking out.
I think we're good. I think we can see what else is out there.
That sounds like an AMG engine.
It could be wrong. It is a good name for a band.
They're not... That's going to get some... You're in the crosshairs now.
If you listen to the way an AMG starts, it's very similar.
And then there has to be dwarves that are into adult baby play. God willing. And they're the gods.
You don't have to do this fucking stupid shit.
You don't think that's real?
These are just sound effects?
Yeah, it's really awesome.
Why?
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
I think he was like, I know what you did on this date and I'm good right now. I don't need to hear it. I don't want to hear it. It wasn't, by the way, it wasn't the food that he didn't want to hear about. Yes. He was like, you can tell me what you ate anytime.
There's no... She doesn't seem to be pushing hard, but maybe she's just got a talent.
Thank God we have this open poly mindset. We've got kids, these two, by the way.
It's the kind of guy you see at like the Don't Let the Pigeon kind of musical.
You know my first thought of when I saw this person doing this? I just think of the parents being like, fuck.
Wow.
I say this to my mother all the time. Whenever she's like, well, I can't help being who I am. I go, yes, you can and you should. Don't say the thing that you think you can't say. You can not say it. You could just not. This should be your new mantra. I'm going to not be myself. Yeah.
We would love to hear from you. This is Mila. The Instagram is thefartworldofficial. She's one of the fart models there. Mila's part of Fart World, which is an OnlyFans account with over 150 models on their channel. Fart World charges $14.95 a month to watch all the models fart. It's great. We are challenging whether or not these are authentic farts.
Yeah, you don't have to share all your thoughts.
And you definitely don't have to make videos about it. Definitely don't.
You don't have to share it.
The dwarf said something. Let's check in. Somebody also tried to shame me about that.
Somebody was like, your silence on Israel and Palestine speaks volumes. I'm like, good. Great.
Jokes about how their balls smell need to weigh in on this conflict? Yeah.
Yeah, this is nonsense. This is total nonsense.
Okay.
We're not building everything for absolutely everyone. I mean, with this person, we've done it before and people get upset, but the truth is, it's kind of what you said. This person just needs to be shamed.
You should be shamed for being this size. And, you know, like what she needs to do is just go to a camp and drop.
To everybody at the Fart World official and to Mila, you're being doubted. I don't know if there's any way you could prove that you're actually farting like that.
And then there should be a thing on the other side of that where it goes, this is how much more you're going to pay over. You know what I mean? Like you get a surcharge. If you can't fit through those, you go to the next one. They're like, all right, now you're going to pay 10% more and then 20% more. And then that heifer in the airplane, they're like, you're going to pay triple the price.
and fries don't be wrong I love Waffle House I need to stop going there because it's too good but yeah alright we have to wrap up if you want to see Brad and you should on tour go to bradwilliamscomedy.com if you want to see his latest special it's called Starfish it's available now on YouTube can I plug one more thing of course I just came out with a hot sauce
You will sit on Eni's lap, and you will fart, and we'll just see how it goes.
Thank you very much for coming in.
Congratulations on everything. Thank you, guys. And we'll see you guys next week.
Bye, fellow Americans. There's one mystery we have not yet solved in this country, and that is where all the cum is.
It's 10 in the morning. Come on, Eni.
To watch all these models fart?
Well, that's what we don't know.
You would go to Fart World?
Yeah, this guy's probably doing a similar thing.
You don't want to join his OnlyFans?
You don't want to pay his black slang? He's going to get his.
Whatever, man.
Okay. Well, a fun transition is KTLA. Did you see what KTLA put out?
KTLA, which was your local news for most of your life.
They just, a couple days ago, just out of nowhere, sent out a tweet.
And you know what the tweet said?
Yeah. Wow. They just put that out and they called it a technical error. They accidentally posted the N word from a news, a news station was just like, here's our thought today. Oh my God. Yeah. And that's all that it was. And then they had to, follow up and just said, we experienced a technical error while adding language filters to our...
what is it, to our social media accounts resulting in an offensive word being accidentally shared. We are appalled and apologize that this occurred. It feels like somebody just tweeted it, but not that they were like, oh, we were updating our filters and then this happened. But yeah.
So they meant to add the N-word to its list of muted words, but accidentally posted it instead.
Like, here's something we shouldn't say. Let's just post it to our several hundred thousand followers.
KTLA's great, but KTLA, you can't just tweet the N-word.
I can see it.
I love it. And this one? You did that? She did that. Get out.
The same guy?
No.
But it's a good story. Thank you. I'm working. It's so weird.
Just so you know. I don't even know how to navigate.
I don't understand. Why a simple math?
Yeah, so it's like... I'm going to stand in my kitchen and say, these are my dogs. Hey, pull the mic down a little bit. These are my dogs. This is the door that take my dogs out.
What?
What do you mean? I can say it. I just say it.
I didn't realize you guys are talking like this.
I'm going to start rehearsing.
What do you wish me to do?
Ay, son dos globos. In a minute, they're going to put a needle there.
That is true. I can do that.
Did you see how low in esteem I would be of myself? No.
Oh.
You are degrading me.
Why do you keep moving it?
No, I want my secret fart. Okay. I don't remember what I have to say. Okay, but hold on. But, like, look. She's just. Ow. Ow.
And I want to make... Look.
Yeah. You think I just can't believe how disrespect in your life you have for me to ask me if I want money? Why don't I then become a prostitute when I was a kid?
I'm not going to. Or... But what is your respect? Okay, okay.
Oh, but stupid ideas. We're just brainstorming. It's just brainstorming session. We're just brainstorming. Yeah. This is a strategy session. So this is...
One.
You say the things that I can do if I fart. Okay, here's about this. You cannot give me permission. You can do it. You can do it. No. No.
Am I allowed to answer?
The last thing in your life that you should ask your mother is that she would like to be that low. I just said to say good morning. But she cannot be a prostitute because she's too old.
Then she's going to fart.
By the same amount of money.
Then what am I going to come up with those words?
Oh, my God. Where do I start? The fact that just being here close to you guys and be able to see each other every weekend, it's just glorious. I don't know.
You have done that?
I can't believe you asked me that question.
I was having a high impression of you, to be honest. I don't understand.
Those are the things that put you to sleep or that excite you. Because now that we don't have it, you know, if you're a man and woman, it is the day, the thing. Yeah, because that's how it is now.
Yeah, that's true.
So you pay me $20,000?
Yeah, please.
To say good morning, America? That's what they want.
For saying good morning, they pay me $20,000. I can even change sex and names every other week so I can make more. So good morning America, I'm one person. Good morning America, I'm a different person. And then I pretend that I have lechon in my mouth.
What's lechon in my mouth? It's a language, I don't know.
For 20,000 dollars. What else can I say besides good morning, America?
Oh, that would be true. Yeah.
That's horrible.
I said I wasn't close.
Are you okay?
Is that what you're laughing?
Careful with the mug on the thing. Okay, okay, okay. So, um... Yeah, friendly.
I thought me. Hold on. No, I won't do it for $40,000. Why should I watch this? You don't even know what it was. I saw the beginning. If only Pedro was going to come. No. I still am not interested.
What does it have to do with me being interested to see how the Pedro comes?
Does he make money for doing that?
No. No, he just puts videos out. I don't think he can figure out how to do that.
I don't envy him. If you're going to make me do such a disgusting thing for a million dollars, I pass.
Okay.
So I go from hilarious to not funny at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Might be twins. Not really in between.
I don't understand you. You're asking me if this is funny or not funny? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so hold on. Your brain is not working. Hi, Tommy. Oh, he has to hit the bike again.
No, horrible.
Ay, ay, ay, ay.
He's not responsible.
Absolutely horrendous. Yeah, that was bad. That was really bad.
I forgot. What is it that we're watching?
Oh, okay.
Would you consider going to a psychologist? No.
Let's make sure. I don't like writing them.
How can you ask me if it's horrible or funny?
That's true. This is hilarious. Look how hateful that horse is. I know. It's very hateful. They're so spiteful and shitty. If I was married, I would be scared to watch this. I'd say, well, you know.
That means it's horrible.
I don't see anything funny.
Why the poor lady? Why the poor lady volunteer?
I'm not going to talk like Hawaii. I have to talk about the cruise.
Is this a commercial?
I told you, don't bring your mother to talk about it. No, that's not even funny. But it's an advertisement. I don't care. Then do it with your mother.
I'm going to get a piece of shit for you. Yeah.
What?
You can say a little bit, then let me talk.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't go that low. I have to do it. No, no, no, no.
No, I'm not your mother anymore. You're going to start talking like that, Tommy.
Your kids are listening to this.
It's not just liquid. Don't record it. Don't record it.
I know. I am not taking it. But that's how you do it. You don't talk like that in front of me.
Christina, you shouldn't let him do this.
This is our sponsor. No. What sponsor is this? Dpill. BP? Yes. It's for diarrhea.
Tommy, Tommy, no, wait a minute. How about my Christina? I need the money. Do I think this is hilarious?
No? I told you you are my son.
I don't see that.
They knock him as in.
Oh, I didn't either.
Yeah.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Well, they're all laughing. See? I think that people have mental problems in this world now.
Somebody has to clap, no? No reaction?
Why did you hire these people?
Can you cancel them?
I don't get it. What did they, how did they mislead us?
Thank you. How did they, how did they, how did they don't let me make it?
Yes.
Why don't you drink that one? I am going to drink this while she brings me the other one. Sure, yeah.
No, I'm not. I'm just saying it and they're hearing us.
No. It's our opening song.
You know, we can't be the same person. You think that you two are hilarious?
Yeah, but that makes you... You have a good sense of humor.
don't laugh at things like i'm a superior laugher i have a higher that is true sensibility for it that's true if you laugh even we don't know what he's laughing about we are on laughing we're all laughing all laughing yeah yeah um but also i mean that's just how i think everybody thinks about themselves right right everybody we all think the way i'm thinking yeah i'm lost now they're the smartest i'm looking at this this is a guy in this key why in the world are we talking about parties and
Okay, because this is not funny. This is not.
Not him, the song. Ah, que demonita. Which one? Oh, he's here. No.
I told me. This is funny for you. We're not laughing. This is terrifying. In a helicopter?
Why do you waste your time in doing things that don't make any sense? Why is it funny about this?
Yeah, I mean, I am worst. He put me there, he don't come back.
I have to tell you one thing. It bothers me to think that they put the people upside down in this, right? Yeah. And it's supposed to be funny.
I did a lot less, and I was only 50 years younger. No kidding.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Yeah. I'm scared. Well.
We have reasons after you are a mother and a wife of not exactly the easiest husband.
Not only acknowledging, I admire you.
I truly admire you.
I think... I think you should go to a psychiatrist.
Let me tell you the things that I think ones are really positive, some are negative. What do you want first?
Okay. Extremely generous. Very generous. I mean, in general, great friend. Yes. Excellence. Very strong. No, it's excellence. You are his wife, but he's no excellent wife, he's excellent husband. Yes.
Why are you here?
I'm talking to Cristina, Tommy.
You know, all of a sudden, I got the impression that either you and I were dead and he show up.
You forgot he was here? I was like this. It's you and me talking. I'm very engaging.
You're so dynamic.
Well, if it's better, it means bad. Yeah, what could I be? If it's bad, it's not called quality for some.
Yes, negative. Characteristic. Yes.
Okay, I honestly don't have any idea what was the question. Hello?
To review to see if you're... I don't know.
This is for men. I am part of the audience.
That's the worst part.
We're just trying to learn.
Oh, yeah. You don't know what's wrong. What's going on? He's not doing anything bad. No, that is lack of respect for me. Okay, okay. Skip this stupid thing. Skip that? Okay. No, I really don't like it.
Is this... Are you testing me if I'm stupid?
No, no, we're just, we're not supposed to talk during that whole time. But, okay, let's get into it. First of all, did you like that clip? No, you did not like it. I don't remember the clip.
And the kids are so stupid that they accept it.
Do you think this is bad? Christina, the world is sending and we are like in the taps when the, you know, when COVID started. Yeah. For the people in China, we watch it like an event that police people. Yeah. Now we have everything happening in here, between the fires and the floods and the earthquakes.
Completely. I know it by a hundred people.
I remember.
And it was you. You could read you. It was gorgeous. The house was absolutely gorgeous. I agree. Yeah.
It's a memory that you have with you. That's all.
Oh, I pray for these people and for all these events. You know what scares me really? I really feel this is not funny that we're coming to the end of the world. You feel like that, really? I swear I feel like that.
Tommy, thinking all the things that are happening in the world. We have an earthquake and it was in Japan.
But you guys don't watch the news?
TikTok. Well, I'm too wrapped up in L.A. The last five days I've been glued. No, no. This was 7.9, I think, in Japan. Okay.
What? No. You don't think he's cute? I think he's really cute. Yeah, he kind of looks like me. A little bit. Look to both of you. Christina. I think he's hot. Christina, you can have him. Okay, I don't know if Tommy is attracted to you because if you like that guy and you like Tommy, maybe with Tommy she sees similarities. I do, I do. I see similarities myself. Actually, you have the glasses.
Okay. Don't discuss me. Okay. But why do you disrespect me like this? We don't know what we're going to play. I don't know what this is. You don't say we have respect for my mother, so check it out.
Yeah.
I want to see his face to see if he lies.
Look at me, please.
Hi, Tanner. Come closer.
I think he's scared of me.
You won't lose your job.
Okay, what is my question?
I don't know what he did.
No, but don't fight him, but you should give him a warning.
How dare you disrespect? Okay, you have a 30-day warning.
No. Oh, okay. Why would you fire him? Thanks, Charo. No, I would never do that to you. I appreciate you, Charo. Tell me, what is wrong with you?
Why would I fire him? He's responsible. He works on the team, too.
Oh, no.
I want to know first, why is it that we are firing him?
Oh, my God. No, I'm not going to fire anyone. Oh, okay.
They caught 500 squirrels from the trees to make this jacket for her. This is not even. This is Texas squirrel. Okay, this is not even funny. Why?
I know. I am moving from the United States.
It's a huge problem.
I love squirrels.
Why? They're such menaces. I don't know what you are, but they are not menaces. They are.
So how do you want them to survive, huh?
So you kill them for them to survive. You're brilliant.
No, here's the thing, though. Because this is not funny. It's not funny.
And the nose is spot on. Yes, and then you feel like you're so cool and you open the robe.
Yep. I still love them.
Made out of squirrels?
We got to get into this business. You have the worst mentality. Me? Tommy, you are becoming extremely materialistic. What? Why? I don't think so. He's already thinking that we can sell, that we can... Make jackets. Make jackets.
That's different. He's an environmentalist. He's a criminal. I mean... He wants to get rid of the... No, hombre.
No, thanks. But you can bring me a squirrel. Look, it's holding a gun. I know. It's a Texan squirrel. It's a very funny story. He's trying to fight us. Wait, can we talk about the cruise?
I just don't see half of my head again. Can we talk about Hawaii? I still remember.
A drink. I am not alcoholic. No, you're not. No, no. But I do remember that every time I come to the show, I look like an alcoholic because I watch five shows and look at... Nobody says that. Nobody says that. You guys are feeding me and feeding me to see this look honey. That's not honey.
Yes.
Or are you faking?
That's not honey. No. What's not honey? Honey. The opposite of serious.
Funny.
No. That's when I used to inflate you and put it back in there. I did it. I did it.
And the place I lived longer since I got married was Vero. And Vero is a very small town. You know, you take my left and go straight to my church. I go out here, go to my right, drive another 10 minutes, and there's my bridge and the cemetery. So this is wonderful. But I want to tell you, you guys couldn't be more generous? more loving, more caring.
And I really feel like my family and I have moved because I went from one side of my family to the other one. And I never spent time with you guys. And you gave us not only a dream, but an impossible thing to have more of my age. Having this private, whatever you want to call it, even, it was so much love. It was, excuse me, You guys can make coffee, wine, and water. Which one should I choose?
Change you.
Yes.
Say thank you.
I don't play for money. You pay to play?
Yes, it's a club. And everyone wants to play. You have to pay. And my club was $10 each time I got to play. I don't win anything. If I play really well, I might get half of a point. But since I lost my husband, which means three years ago, I was a decent player. Since then, well, I didn't play for over a year. But since then, I haven't even got a point. You don't practice it for a few years.
It's hard at my age. Everything is hard at my age.
How old are you that you pretend that you're a baby? You're not a teenager.
Okay, I am going to be 78. No, excuse me. Estoy hablando 68.
Wait till you see me after this. I want to make it public. That he offered me to pay me to make the milk look like the 92. What?
No, it's not nickel and dime. Excuse me.
No, because I don't want to postpone it.
There's no quick fix.
Yes.
She didn't have time for me.
But no, there's no story. She told me she can do Botox, but it's only in two areas. I didn't ask her the reason. I suspected the age or whatever. And that she cannot do anything else because it's by appointment. So she did the bottle, which is kind of stupid, to be honest. I can't remember where.
I don't remember if she did it here or here. Probably her forehead. It was here. I remember now. That's the story. Wait a minute. You owe me a lot of money. and I want to make it public, and I want you to affirm. Not like one time, hey, I'm talking to you.
Jesus, Joe Pescio. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Years ago. Oh, we're going to years ago. Well, I don't know, two years, a year and a half. Oh, my God. But we agree. I forgot that.
I'm getting out. You don't talk to me. I am still your mother. So please respect.
I don't laugh when I like. I only laugh when I'm smiling. No, ha, ha, ha, this is funny. That woman has two balloons hanging in there.
Impossible. They are. Okay, take her to lift the shirt.
Because nobody has two tetas in the shape of a balloon without the... Those are her tetas, Mom. Okay. Okay, that's it?
Yep.
You pay to watch your daughter?
I think we really are losing everything in this world. You think it's funny.
Everything you think is funny, as long as it's disgusting, it's filthy, it's insulting, it's funny.
You know what that tells you? What? That people are mean.
Nice public, whatever it's called.
Tommy, ¿qué es esto?
Por favor. That was awesome. That was amazing. Oh, you guys are really losing it.
Wait, wait, wait. I don't know if you're serious. I'm totally serious. Okay, you have a really serious problem. I don't think we want to talk here because people can't hear us. What? Okay. Tommy, if you think... What was it that we just watched? I don't remember.
Okay.
I don't remember. Can you hear it in your headphones? Can you hear the clip?
Okay. That's you. Right. Okay. What were you doing? Happy birthday. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks, love. Thanks, love.
Oh, okay. Thanks, love.
I don't know. A bad British one?
Thank you. This is one of the stupidest things I've ever watched.
Thank you.
This is your show, really? Yeah.
That's amazing. You like that?
Your son confused you with another woman. You think this is something to love?
You said you were in a place where you were with a woman that looked like you. And you both sat and started talking.
Okay, I want to hear it again. I am not losing it. Maybe we should explain it through these videos.
Another one. Why don't we go back to the one... What did he say?
You guys are having more than serious problems.
I don't have any idea what are we talking about about the guy.
Saying happy birthday to somebody and you guys are laughing like, this is as dumb as you can go.
Oh, that's the whole thing? Yes. Oh, I can make my own show. That's what people love. You can.
And that's all I have to say for real? Yes. Say, hello, governor. No, that's not good morning. No, just say it. No, just say it. Hello, hello, governor. Hello. Hello, governor. Yeah. Governor. Governor. Hello, governor. Can you say, happy birthday. It's your birthday. It's your birthday. There you go. I mean, that's fantastic. That's perfect. How do you say in French? Whatever I'm saying.
And then intentionally, Christina, no. Then he would go like, you know. But you were good. Yeah.
I forgot what I'm saying. Bonjour, le governor.
Bonjour. Bonjour. Good morning. Good morning.
Yeah. Why do you have to screw up shows? Who is that guy there? That guy?
I want to keep him there.
I will say it again. It's so retarded. I want to hear the accent. I have to pick it. Which one? Maybe Cristina should do it. The French or the British one? Bonjour, gouverneur. Neither one is. Bonjour. Ah, the French. Bonjour, gouverneur. Bonjour.
Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour. Gouverneur. Gouverneur. Oh, this is sexy. Look. Bonjour. And then, it is your birthday. Is that French? Yeah. It sounds like a French trying to speak in English.
No, he was going extreme. In fact, he kept accelerating the more scared I got.
It is a French trying to speak in English. Ah, well, you didn't say that part, so that was my brain function. It is. The whole sentence.
It is your birthday.
Yes.
Okay.
Café latte.
Perfect. Are you going to pay me for saying that?
He's a part of the show. I'm going to go to Starbucks to sell him sugar.
Okay, okay. Don't talk.
And then, I don't remember. And then what?
What is it that she was supposed to say?
Why do you laugh?
Bonjour, le gouverneur.
Okay.
I lost it totally.
That sounds like, you know what? Hello, governor. It sounds like a farmer.
Why are you sounding British with low class? Because it's fun.
There's a scale... There's a classic system.
Like in your stupid American. Yeah, yeah.
Your governor. That's why we like this kind of stuff. No, no, no. Stop that. What's happening? I don't want to talk about your governor because I don't care for any governor there.
Who is? What are we talking about? I forget. Who is your governor? Because I don't know what I'm saying.
What's happening? My governor is. Oh, my God.
Don't ask my opinions about anything political. No, we're not getting into politics. No, I think we should stick away from that. I want to ask you a few questions. Okay. Have we talked about the cruise?
Did I thank you? No, wait a second.
I don't think it's fair and it's disrespectful when I'm talking and you throw me the... What is that?
Well, I am talking. Yeah, I didn't... I'm not coming back. Why? I am talking and you throw me... That's when I am talking? No, it's just a thing here. You know what? I have water. I have a towel. I will.
I am talking. Oh, I didn't know you were talking. Go ahead. Oh, I'm so sorry.
I don't remember, but I know I was talking. I know, I know. I said, I have water. And then you said, well, as we were talking about it, and you just throw me out. I'm still the mother.
All of you wouldn't be here. That's true. I mean, you would be here. I wouldn't.
Happy birthday. Here we are talking, right? Yeah. Who is your governor? Is it still Senor Cruz? No, no.
Who was?
Senor Abbott. The same thing or no?
Yeah, same thing.
What happened with Arnold Schwarzenegger? He was governor. It's been a while. He did a good job.
That's the question.
Wait a minute. Three things I want to talk. Uh-oh.
No, no, no, no. This is extremely serious. The fires in California.
I mean, praying all over the world for this tragedy. It's very sad for people.
Sorry about that. Stop pushing that. So I cannot talk about anything serious. No, you can. You can. He's being so disrespectful. That was completely uncalled for. Stop doing that. I'm sorry. Cut his salary and give it to the poor. Give it to the poor. It's a great idea. He knows. He's on board with that idea.
He doesn't know what?
Oh, OK. Well, you do the same.
I've done that as well. It's my birthday.
I want to talk. Say it again. You said you want to talk about the fires. One more time.
And three million percent. Agree.
Yes.
Doesn't that scare you enough? I used to know if there was another... You know what bothers me? You know how Catholic, devoted, unbeliever I am. So for me, when I talk about anything related... People that mic down some? Like who?
Okay. Thank you.
no not up this is what i want to do no no put it down because it covers your face we don't want to cover your face we want it to be like this that would be a wish maker okay oh by the way you want to pay me for the beautiful future face oh my gosh yeah i really want to talk about something serious okay so the end of the world no no this is really serious this is really serious this is very serious i want to go over now who queers are you a governor who queers
Delicioso. Un poquito frio, pero delicioso.
Who cares? Who cares?
What was the question?
Let me tell you one thing. This is extremely serious.
No. You don't know what I'm going to say. Okay. If we talk about religion, if you don't have extreme respect to my religion.
What's normal?
It is hot.
I really made me cry.
This means a lot to me.
No.
No. Okay.
Then we're okay. And I know you think this is funny. I don't think it's funny. But I don't think anybody's taking it seriously. We start with the... The fires? No, not the vaccine. The vaccine?
Thank you.
Because of COVID.
COVID was an indicator. The glaciers are melting.
I mean, just go in order. No, you're right, and you're not wrong.
How about that? Yes, you're right. The temperature in every place.
Why do I hear people laughing when I'm saying this?
What? She's like, speed it up.
Okay, this part is not funny. It's not funny. One more time. I just don't know what's going on.
This is the last time I say it. I agree you keep doing it and you guys... No, it's them! Knock it off!
Okay. You have zero respect in this place. Who runs this place?
Well, obviously you don't.
And Christina comes just as a guest to show how pretty she is or what? That's so rude. From Tommy or from the company?
You are the one who is doing it.
I don't know.
This is so dumb.
I want to talk about the real thing. It's a stupid story. No, I'm serious. Serious is what I'm going to say. Number one, you could not dream for any human being with billions and billions in total to have a better gift of this vacation with you guys. It was above and beyond any expectation in my short life.
I don't want this anymore.
We don't know what to do. I love the idea that you change the show.
Number one, I will clean up the act of the parts and stupid things. Maintain your class. You two are brilliant people.
So no farts. No, Christina, why is the point of the fart to make people laugh?
I am perfectly fine, thank you. Oh, my God.
What is a belch?
No, no, I don't have those things. They were gone.
How do you make it better?
That would be a good way to improve your show. Get out of those filthy stuff. You can say, we will be back and put something funny. You know, like Mafalda. What is this? You make farts with claps?
That was a great movie. I just saw it not too long ago.
What does Notting Hill have to do with the kitchen?
I am always proud. Not when you talk so grotesque and disgusting. It's yucky. It's so low class. It is so low class. What do you like to be in between? Let me be the lowest or the highest? The highest. If it's not the highest, can you just be normal? To accept something grotesque and normal. Don't compliment that bitch. This is coming with me. Yeah. Yeah, what?
Do you or don't you? But what is wrong with you? Why? Because you already asked me this around 25 times. But you don't want... You're telling me you don't admire me, Jack. By the way, on this... You know what? I don't care what you tell me. I think you told me a lot of things about the squirrels.
But if you're going to make it 35 minutes every time what he thinks.
Number one, when was I rude? You cut him off. You know what? Did I tell him I'm having my own show? You know that? You have what? I'm going to have my own show. Your own podcast. What is it going to be like? That thing.
I know, I'm thinking and making it amazing, but no, because you do something like that. What could it be about?
No farts. No farts? If I am not going to have followers, because I'm not disgusting, it doesn't make any sense that I have to show it. If I can make it clean funny... I'll be there. So if you like it, so this.
Yeah, and then in jail, you want me to do it like that? Well, that's not my fault.
Number one, I think I'm old, so I'm not as stupid as I was when I was 20. That's true. So you see, I want to do something. Yeah. I don't know. I just want the world to know you're not my son. You're actually adopted. Because I would never raise my kids to go on TV, to do all these disgusting things, and I think it's funny. You don't, and I know you don't, because I know.
It's a fear, you know what I'm saying? Who is this? What the fuck, you guys? Shut up, shut up, shut up. You know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying?
What is this?
Um... I want to start talking on TikTok. You are? You should. How do I do it?
And I don't show it to me. Why? Because I don't think it's funny to be dumb. To be dumb? No. It's an accident. This is to help people.
I don't have a clue. Maybe Turkish?
I don't know what it is. Okay. What? Okay.
Or is that Arabic?
This might be a good segment for your new show. Yes!
I could do that. I would have my follower for Love Connection. Okay. How do we call it? Because there is 50,000 gold. Como era? Love Connection. It's like... Wait, how many of these did they have? I don't know.
That's dumb.
You can die before us. Terminal connection. Be careful. You know, you think this is funny?
I don't think guys think it's funny.
Hey, I'm going to probably die before you. You start by laughing. We almost hit this when you were laughing. Okay. I'm not laughing.
What are we talking about right now? Your show. My show? I have nothing to do with my show. Okay.
Yeah.
You want me to do stuff like that?
I don't have any in my house. No.
And then I find you to do it for me. No, this would be your... I'm not going to have a show about dumb things.
Wait, can I tell you something? I think you guys, you know, you were going up, up, up in the race and don't know what else to do. Thinking and going better, you're starting like this.
Not to make my morning, but I will do it. Is this how you feel doing our show?
Oh, my God. Why are you crying? It's just fun. I'm just so emotional.
No, I don't want. You're talking about me doing this for a show?
No, no, no, no. It's healthy rage. If I am desperate to make money and somebody tell me I'm this dumb but I make money, I'd be this dumb.
You could totally do this on your own, you just said.
No, no, no. Why don't you start by that? That's so dumb. Okay. We're wasting time. No, no. All right. You made me talk about money for a leg day. Well, who's that? Tommy. That was you. I don't know.
You made this as a joke show? No.
Look.
Look, she had a rock climbing accident. I'm going to have to change topics.
Oh, my God. I can't.
What do you mean, another coffee? One cup of coffee doesn't make me another coffee. Please? But for today?
Yeah.
Coffee on the way.
No, I don't want him to die. He's just too concerned. Die is not something you wish to anybody. How are they going to get him out? They can't cut the... Yeah, they cut. So thick. They stop and they cut it and then put him in jail and just leave him there. To try to pay for, what is it that he did?
After the three I have at home?
What do you mean you don't do that? It's not the disease.
No, wait a minute. Do you know what I just realized? I never talk about I want to talk. Oh, shit. That was pretty good. I have to throw it and absorb everything you talk to me. And when I ask you for 10 minutes of my time, I can't.
No.
Number one, did we talk about the cruise?
And did I thank you enough? Yeah, well, enough. I don't think enough. I don't think people understand the magnitude of the present. And it's not only... God knows how many million dollars you're spending doing this. But including us and giving us that love.
But it's not good alcohol.
Who's that? I didn't say that. Who's that? How did you get that?
Don't be retarded. And the worst part? Sounds like it's me. No. That's not you.
Are you retarded? No, wait a minute. I might be retarded, but I'm not stupid. So yes, it's me.
I had no, both pain steers is accomplished from my foot. God save the queen. Yeah. The word is fat and racist. ¿Qué cosa es eso, Cristina? Hello, Gavna. Hello, Gavna. ¿Por qué suena como si fuera mi voz? I don't know. What's up there, chomo?
You don't like it? Tata there, retard. Tata there, retard?
Psychedelics?
Well, then they have to pay me. I don't know. I might be retarded. Can I be retarded? I don't know. You can. Who's that guy upstairs that says I'm concerned?
I don't want him to die. Oh. I don't wish death to anybody. Make it clear. Okay.
I remember when we were in the... Microphone, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Forgive me, please. Hold on, hold on. No. Okay. Annie, you really need to take a shit. I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to shit.
Any you need to shed?
Why would I talk about stuff like that?
Who is this?
Eni, the good-looking, the young one?
Oh, good-looking, good-looking. But... I told you what?
What?
What did you say?
And you can tell me. I know you're black and you guys do your own thing, but you still have to shit.
So you're saying even though I'm black. No, this is not funny. Okay. I'm not taking this as funny. You guys are rude. I can't believe you make my words to become disgusting. No way.
No, but guess what? Guess what? I'm taking you to buy me something. This is Charo, the real mom at your mom's house. Kick back, call your nuts, and listen to this real ass new shit. That's not me, Tommy.
But what if I don't want to?
That really pisses me off. Me too.
No, the bottom is you don't get a bit.
Honestly. You put the headphones on. Yeah.
I want to talk about three things. Protect your neck, brother. No, no, this is serious. I know I will talk about the cruise. No, did I thank you enough?
What was the question?
It made me cry. I have never, in my wildest dreams, ever imagined a trip like this.
I was talking, you know, from picking us up to taking the most amazing, any human being, millionaire or billionaire could have. And I want to talk about the movie here.
The two of you have gone above and beyond. Not only inviting us. You bought a house. You lent it to us. And it's beautiful. And you're fixing everything. By the way, I need a washer and dryer and a dry cleaner. You know a washer and dryer doesn't work. I have to say it because it's... I don't know. I don't know. I think I forgot about the garbage. That's my fault.
No. I really have to urinate.
To be honest, I don't see them do shit. I think the people are destroying their brains and with no purpose because definitely those stupid things don't work. No, they damage your brain. They damage your brain. And we are so stupid that we pay to damage our brain.
I was thanking you, Tommy.
Okay. I'm not talking. I can't hear anything.
No, Tony. You're not going to interrupt me when I'm thinking.
We have two weeks of dirty clothes in the house.
I don't have washer and dryer. I don't have a dishwasher.
No, they didn't put a dishwasher. They took it out.
So I want to thank the audience for thanking my husband and his wonderful wife for donating us a washer and dryer.
And a dishwasher. However, I want to make sure that I never even talk about the fact about this house. Okay. Tommy and Christina were not knowing what they were getting, but they thought they were going to be excited to have us here. And they couldn't do any more than what they did. So we embarked on this trip with Jane. We took an RV with the dogs. And then from there, he took us on a cruise.
You said I already talked about it. Yeah, we definitely talked about it. We covered the cruise. Did I thank you enough? Yes. Did I tell any human being who has a dream in life to do this? I really should have to pee bad. No, we're about to wrap, so just stay here a second. Okay, I did that. Then I want to talk about the house. I know the house is Tommy's house and Christina's house.
Of course it's true. You don't need to say it like that. Oh, sorry. Don't remember. Don't forget that it's my house.
No, you said it's true.
I don't pay a penny, so yes, you're right. That's what I wanted to say. No, I want to record this. I left a little house in Florida to come here, basically a mansion, that I have to get used to make orders, because so far I cannot tell you anything.
But you were so, so, so incredible, not only generous in buying the house and fixing anything that is not working, which told me, yes, grant us a washer and dryer and a dishwasher. You did?
He's the most generous human being I know. No, no, you guys laugh whatever the word you use. Women are stupid. Excuse me? Tanner. Who did that, huh? I don't know. Tanner. How can you? You run this show. This is absolutely unacceptable.
Well, if I do it once every three years and one time, it's fun.
I'll fire him.
Yes. I forgot to tell you. Where did you get those mattresses?
I like the mattress. I want to know if it has a box thing and then I complete my dream. I'm sure, I'm sure, yeah.
So can I get it? Publicly, please? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, oh, my God. It's not the yes or no yet.
Please.
I forgot.
A back spring.
A back spring. Thank you for listening. From the same company. I got a mattress. Tell me the name.
Yeah, you were great.
Why am I unhappy? Because you hate them, Matt. Hey, you're not hearing? You have music.
Hobbiton?
It's a song to close the show. Shh. Shh.
What do you mean on vacation? I wasn't taking anything.
Step it up. You know?
If you're going to be a storyteller, don't talk that stuff.
Yeah? Yeah. Okay. What is she saying? I can't understand it.
Yeah.
Today? Yeah.
A little dizzy.
I think it's great.
Okay, now I'm crying. Oh.
I think you were going to say that. But to be honest, it reminds me that no matter your age, as long as there is love, everything is perfect. The age is not something that we are all going to have it and then every time, everyone has his time. But really, I don't remember.
That's a good part of me.
Oh, now I know it.
I, as my kid says, I am a freak of nature.
So instead of telling me we love you, I think you're a freak of nature. So when you die, do you mind if we send your brain to die too?
Oh, I thought I was showing something.
Ay, que pena.
This is called a vulgar attitude, and I don't think that it's funny at all.
You want respect on your show?
Well, then you earn it, you know. Your class, your words. It's too late for that.
How come I am at that age sitting here and moving to Texas? Why is there not going to be an age about...
You finally figured me out. And I'm getting to the point now because we've got a tiny fridge. I keep food in there.
The 10,000 pound man?
Well, that's me. There you go. There I go. That's my dream.
And you know what else I've done?
I keep a box of cereal in the room.
I can do whatever I want.
Great.
I wish I could park the car in there, too.
Just get in there.
But by the way, so in case you didn't catch on what I did, I put a fucking water cooler In my room.
Yeah, a full fucking, and it's got hot water so I can make tea now. So I don't even have to walk.
I don't have to walk all the way to the kitchen, which is right next to our bedroom.
I could just get from the bed. And then do that. And then that. Yeah, you're welcome.
Hold on. You want to read this Pajitzki effect?
And by the way, I think it's pretty extraordinary.
Did you know that? Jack off and jerk off is from ejaculation.
The etymology, I'm assuming. It sounds logical.
Now you know.
Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
ejaculation yeah that's pretty cool man yeah that's really cool everybody what's everybody i can't believe john rocker yeah fuck yeah man he's queers i love it fucking what's everybody um but again i i have no problem with people saying what's in their heart i don't have to agree with it you can say whatever the fuck you want
Yeah. So many good drops in there. I forgot about the Orlando airport.
It's the power of television. Maybe your show will have an impact on society in the same way, Tom.
I don't know. Maybe Steven Seagal will start to lose weight.
That's where your dad took a great shit.
It is crazy.
Well, that's why I always say tits up.
I know. He's enormous.
No.
Well, I'm thinking that maybe the truth about a certain country singer might come to light, too.
What if your depiction of that is 100% accurate?
That would be so crazy.
I hope so. Well, let's not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, can I tell you about Diddy, though?
It's so funny. You guys, if you haven't watched it yet, you've got to see Tom doing Rex Henley. It's so good.
Rex is real fun. So silly. Such a knucklehead. Can I tell you, so I've been paying attention to this P. Diddy trial. It is wild. So Cassie was his girlfriend for a decade, right?
But he basically held her hostage as a sexual slave.
So every week from basically 2007 to 2018, every week this woman had to participate in freak-offs that lasted between three and four days at a time. And here's an icky thing that just came out about it, which I think is fascinating. So he would have sex workers trafficked across state lines, which is now why it's a federal case.
So the sex worker would begock on Cassie's body, and then they would go into another room, Diddy and Cassie, and then Cassie was instructed to rub the jizz on Diddy's nipples and torso. Wow. It's the most bizarro, specific. It's such a specific thing.
I mean, reptilian all the way.
There's a lot of piss. I guess people pissing in her mouth. And she had to be like, there's one instance where some sex worker was pissing full throttle in her mouth. And she's like, no, no, no, that's not how you do it. You got to do a slow drip. You can't just go full throttle in my mouth.
Well, just so you know, he was drugging people and also taking, the reason he took videos was to blackmail you into doing these. So he had videos of Cassie doing stuff and he would be like, I'm going to show your mom these videos unless you do them every week for 10 years. And then he basically was he'd buy her properties just like minutes away from his house.
And then he would just show up randomly at these properties, like just let himself in. What are you doing, bitch? Like if she was out of his sight for like a few minutes, it would be like, where are you? What are you doing? What did it like? He was very controlling.
That's right. You're an expert in this kind of with all the shows that you watch on this cool stuff.
You tell me what's going on.
I like when he called them niblets, too.
Oh, my God. And the coolest part, not the cool guy part, I mean, is that his children are sitting in the hearing.
Niblets in my shorts. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, rest in peace. Speaking of niblets, you and I both took dumps at the office together.
And they're going to play the Freak Off tapes. And he's like, yeah, I want my kids here to support me. His daughter got up and stormed out, but his sons apparently are sticking around to watch the footage. I'm like, are you out of your mind?
Yeah. Yeah.
Terrible.
Yeah. I heard Rob Eiler's doing the same caca stuff you have to do.
Why would you want to? It's terrible.
I feel like you should hire an employee to do it for you.
Tanner's hand shot up so fast.
Wait a minute. What about Tony John's? We didn't do the Tony John's.
Is that a message for us or for Lynn?
Well, this is a huge development.
Oh, his OnlyFans. Well, can we check his OnlyFans? I guess he can't produce behind bars.
See, that's the difference between you and me is that you go, I got it. I have to dump. And then let's let this sit for 30, 40 more minutes. Whereas me, I'm like, I better go sit down.
no yeah no it's just performing stacking checks yeah totally i'm a performer he's a performer that's what that's what i feel people are like are you upset when tom talks about you or you know does he scenes and i'm like no no checks go to the same bank account babe yep there you go i imagine she feels the same same way it's very true very true so he's in so is he how long is he in jail for do we know
I know. Well, you know what? Maybe this new fiance will keep him on a straight path, straight and narrow. Maybe now that he's a married, honest man.
Give him structure, give him purpose, maybe a family. I don't know.
Anyway, poor dude.
Can't wait. I don't know how you do it. Every night, it's just different, different, murder, horror.
Oh, I see. You're just fantasizing, dreaming about the future.
That's great.
What more do we need to know about Bin Laden? Now it's going to be like Hitler. Every fucking few months, there's a new thing about Hitler.
So what do we need to know about Bin Laden?
Hello. He was a big porn guy, you know. Of course.
Everybody likes, we're just humans. Of course. Yeah, so he had like so many wives. We know, circle on the face.
Oh, you just remembered. Like, hey, okay. But you do have the capability to hold.
There he is.
Fucking guy.
We're number one. I do remember the day they killed him. That was pretty cool. I remember where we were living. We were in Silver Lake.
yep that was cool that was a cool documentary how the seal team six got him yeah that was fascinating that was rad yeah i love this shit now i want to watch it why are you getting me interested so fucking awesome man i got a show tonight i'm doing mothership i can't okay will you will you give me the highlights though yeah of course i'll give you a detailed report fuck all right let's take a quick break and we'll be right back you want to talk some shit
Well, you've even had intercourse with me having to shit, right? Where you're like, I have to shit, but I also have to fuck. And then you have to choose between coming and shitting.
Do you give the Fleshlights to the homeless?
Can I talk to you for a second, though? Design flaw, I think it's too big. Because then you've got to pack something that's bigger than this.
And then how do you clean it? Guys don't want to clean stuff, so that's an issue.
That's right.
Can you look up Fleshlight? I'm curious to see how big it is.
It's really special when you do that. After we make marital love, you go, I got to shit. It's really cool.
You can buy it on Amazon even.
How much does it weigh? How big is it? Hell yeah.
See, it's still pretty big. See the object, the fleshlight next to it?
Hold on, shop here. Click on it. Let's see what variants we can. Yeah, how many different.
I imagine.
Because the man would know what that side looks like.
Thank you. Yeah, I came. That's the review.
Okay.
This is the first thing on YMH we don't know about.
Yeah.
Oh.
You grew up in the Valley, too?
Tell your friends. Also, it's funny because after I've been living with you for 20 years, I don't even think of them as bad thoughts. I just think of them as Tom thoughts.
Okay, fun fact. I used to, the girl whose dad was in Toto, I think he was the drummer, I used to give her rides home from school. Oh, really? His daughter. There we go.
And they stayed in the valley, I guess, the Toto guys.
That's cool that they sold that. You know, the school has to sell that.
So that it disrupts your day.
That's so LA.
Who cares about this education thing?
They're just the things that you've been talking about for 20 years with me. Jokes that we've had ongoing in the house and now they're on the screen, which is really special.
That's not mean.
Period or shit. Maybe both.
It was Alicia Silverstone. That's cool.
Fucking love that show.
You've been saying that to your parents for like since I started dating you.
Pretty cool. You're like, why don't, if somebody's like, I gotta take a shit, you go, oh, oh, oh, hurry. How about I take a shit in between your shit? Like you always say that back at the house.
But the actual phone number, you did have a voicemail.
But I came, hold on, first of all, I came with Tom for that weekend. Which is such a rare thing. We never did, because we were driving a car across the country.
And we take tourists. Anybody that comes to visit, we're like, you've got to do the Bat Showers.
And by the way, I don't think Tom and I, since that weekend, ever did anything remotely touristy in any other city. I think it was just the dynamic of the three of us having fun. It's never happened since. It'll never happen again. Because we don't have fun when we tour, ever.
We don't like to have fun.
And? What's the review? 10 out of 10?
Dude, that looks like me.
Dick tips. Yeah.
And I bought a belt buckle.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
It did. Yeah.
Not mandatory, but it can.
Well, that's probably why we all got along so well.
Didn't you have an odd...
What is regular for you?
Front to back because I have a vagina.
Thank you for sharing. And also, she's so mortified she watched the whole thing.
And also, what friends? What are you talking about?
Is he a comic?
It's cool supportive parents.
This is his full time gig?
He has like a day job, like a desk job. And then at night he does the gig?
Oh, cool.
Does he, I would too. It's free rent. Get a lease and a key. Do you live with the guy that you're gimping for at the time?
It is really cool, and I'm glad she had to tell you that. It's good.
That's really nice. Thanks, Mom. She didn't have to do that.
Which is silly. I think Sherbert.
I would go with Sherbert.
What's everybody? Welcome to your mom's house.
It's supposed to be a smile, but everyone knows it's a cock. That ain't no smile.
Yeah, it's meant to look like a cock.
Christina Margetzky.
Everything is dicks, Brent. That's true, too.
My new show. Yeah, everything's dicks.
Oh, what? I don't know. It's not?
We shot it in our bathroom in the Rampart division. Tom and I in our first apartment. It was horribly lit. Oh my God, that was so funny.
Well, our kids aren't allowed on YouTube anyway.
Did we use anything that was like trademarked?
Yeah, dude.
Get any in here to hear this.
Atta boy. That's another one.
I mean, this is... I'll tell you what I like about it. It's so authentic.
That's why it feels real.
Not hibernating. You know what? I would rather listen to this whole album than most pop music that's being made today.
I think it's Atta Boy.
No, but now you're killing me. When I say sit on it, you sit on it.
Can we find these guys? Do they still exist?
Oh, no.
There's a new CD called Tighten That Muscle.
Yep, that's how it goes. What's everybody?
So I'm reading it. It says there's a new CD, Tighten That Muscle Ring, features collaborators such as Brian Dahl of Three Majesty, Boyd Rice, I can't even remember.
So those are the names of people that are... The music is real. The sex is real.
That's why I like it.
What's up, everybody?
Oh, boy.
Now, I don't know if you're on TikTok.
Do you have the app on your phone? Do you have an iPhone?
I figured.
So when you go places and you need directions, do you print them out like on MapQuest before you go places?
that could be fun i tell you something i'm fucking over it too like we put a landline in the house just so that on the weekends i'm not always like is tom trying to get oh that's good so like if dad calls he's that's dad you know that if that phone rings it's dad oh because he's the only one who has the number yeah because you know i have a fucking phone i'm sick of looking at it yeah yeah yeah it's a it's also this kind of radioactive piece of thing that's in your stuff
But the point is, Brent, I highlight the marginalized communities of TikTok. So these aren't the regular fun dance videos everybody's sharing on TikTok. These are the special, the outliers that I'm giving a voice to.
Number one, some hoes just like the attention and they're desperate for just somebody to show them some attention. Number two, a lot of women have a hard time saying no.
they don't want to hurt your feelings so they'd rather hurt your feelings long term oh sorry sir yeah they'd rather hurt your feelings in the long run leading you on leading you on and then eventually say no it's just because they don't want to say no and hurt your feelings at the top bitches be trifling dude it's tough though you know i i feel this man's pain you know yeah it's hard to find a woman you know
And everybody was like, this guy's fucking... I remember this. I vaguely remember this.
I could do this so easily. What? Yep. All right.
Get up.
Up.
Yeah, I mean, you're fucked up.
Where was he living at the time? Because to see that for the first time is a shock.
I'm ready. All right, let's go. He's 18, this poor boy.
It's a hairdresser who's giving a consult.
But watch this. You're going to shit your pants. So much better. Now he looks 18. Wait, that guy was 18 before?
Yeah, he needed to cover up.
But he looks... It looks... Like an FBI guy.
You like men.
Hold on, though. Not a lot of women are into pub play. I don't think I've seen one woman. This has actually been exclusively 100% male.
She's driving.
No, she's pretty.
It could be her. I don't know.
Could be.
Making some cool TikToks.
Oh, boy. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, thanks.
I won't. Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't like it. Come on.
Fuck off. Fuck off!
I know, that's so true.
I'd be like, that guy's got one foot on the gas.
No, she said it's sweet.
So you want to put salt to counteract. Nayana, are you going to drink your moon blood? No, thank you. No, thank you. You just have your moon cup in, and then you pull the cup out and just...
No.
Oh, cool. And?
Or you can tolerate it. It doesn't bother you. But if you live somewhere like Atlanta, I guess you don't see the gays and the AIDS and the 20-year-old moms.
Branson, Missouri?
You know what? It's on my list. That should be a place you go. Shit that I want to do.
It's in Romania?
Wait, where's Vlad from? He's not Russian.
Romania.
I would be nocturnal if I could. It's just the kids wake you up, man.
Sure.
I hate it. That's the worst part of being a parent is waking up at 6.30.
the moment you've all been waiting for it's the hotel room tour so this is one of my favorite hotels in rasan actually it's the best hotel this is in north korea and one of the things that makes it super fun and super cool is
how retro it is okay i remember the first time i came to rasan i stayed in this place you can see here this lamp has got to be the best feature look at the colors excellent and you can hear it tick tick ticking away a lamp a clock all in one let's not make it fall over so we have some beds which are Rock hard. I don't know if you heard me sit down on that, but it's very hard.
Did she say rock hard? Or you said that. In China and in Korea. My second favorite thing in here has got to be this chair. Okay. It's a lot comfier than the bed, I have to say, and has excellent decoration. But this in front of me, this, I promise you, this is quite cool. So we have...
It's a completely accurate depiction.
nice window that you can open all the way out leads right out to rasan city the empty city of north korea that reminds me of some sterile kind of environments that i've been to that you probably would like in some ways yes that is a tv plays things at night so that's the hotel
Don't stretch out too much here.
Let's close that window because it is freezing cold. Luckily the heating in here is really good. No, it's not. Let's have a look at the bathroom. Very simple. We've got a shower here with running water. Running hot water, I should say. She just taught me that I have to press this green button in order to make it go hot. This reminds me of somewhere I went to. And it's just like a walk-in shower.
Yeah. This is like communist Hungary.
You have? Yeah.
He's absolutely right.
And Ukraine. And Ukraine.
Maybe some of these kind of things. Oh, and a hairdryer.
I really wish people would start memorizing this as a monologue and doing this. This could be like a Good Morning Julia for us where people are memorizing this and performing it. I would love to see this. If you can memorize this and send it in as we all did Good Morning Julia, I think this would be fantastic as a monologue to do. This is a really good stage idea.
Bye.
Bye.
You got to take the 7 train to the ballpark. I don't know, what does he sound like? Is he Southern?
Looking like you're riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time. Yeah, man. Some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing.
Listen, anybody that lives in the country, when they go to New York, they all say this.
And it is. It's true.
Although I will say back in the day when you had weird colored hair, it meant you were cool. And now it's like the ultra dorks have weird colored hair. It's very upsetting. It's like those fucking Zimzer nerds. Yeah. Like the angry.
They're not even cool. It's very upsetting.
I'm saving all this money. Can I just, Matt, talk to you for a second? Yeah, go ahead. There's so many updates on the show. I want to make sure we get to them all. But this came in, this Pajitsky effect, and I don't even think you can wrap your head around this.
Finally. Okay, go ahead. Do you want to do yours first?
Well, you said my last name wrong.
Thank you.
And? And that? And what else? That you can eat it?
Yeah, anytime.
Because in your mind, it was just relegated to Ellis.
In the house. That's his job.
I can make it too.
For your nine-year-old son to make it?
Do you want to know the great... First of all, I don't even think that you've acknowledged the greatness of what I have done for us in our lives together.
This is a Pajitsky effect I just had. Oh, yeah. So did you know that you can put a water cooler... anywhere in your life.
Patricia Nixon. See, can we...
That's pretty cool. Nice. Yeah, she started that whole thing. Barbara Bush, ouch. She always looked old.
Can I tell you something? Actually, you photograph really well without the beard. In real life, it was very jarring and alarming. And those comments were accurate. But I feel like when you're photographing, it's really nice.
Yeah, she's always been old.
Yes.
Yeah, but Nancy Reagan was hot. Flattering Hillary Clinton portrait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Laura Bush, okay.
Hey, there's Melania. She's like, I'm a model.
I'm a Slovenian model. This fucking Christmas shit. Sounds like my mother. I don't want to do this Christmas shit.
you know the greatest housing you could ever live in she goes to the white house she's like this is bullshit of course this is disgusting this is not park avenue all you get is the residence quarters like you don't get you don't live in the whole house so she's like this is fucking this is fucking bullshit um hold on though does trump correct me if i'm wrong but did he lose some lbs and now his suits fit better
Did he finally alter his suit?
Yeah, he had a remix.
Yeah.
And he's not as orange this time around.
Somebody blended his concealer into his foundation. Yeah. And he stopped tanning so dark. So somebody talked to him. Somebody got to him. I don't know who it was. About the appearance.
Maybe Melania did.
And you know it wasn't hot and fresh because they're on the plane.
It's just not you. And I don't like how expressive you are. See, right now, this is the level of expression I'm used to, where your mouth is covered, everything's covered. It's just very placid and beige.
So it's cold. And that's the worst way to eat McDonald's. Don't eat McDonald's cold.
Piping hot.
You ever smell a McDonald's bag that you've left in your car? In the car, yeah. Just an hour later, you're like, did someone take a shit in here? It's like actual poison. Yeah, it's terrible. It's like homeless dudes shitting in your car. The kids leave fries all the time in the crevices of my car. Yeah. It smells foul. Yeah. It's no good.
Sure. I just, it's just, it's just same shit, different toilet.
What are you doing? I'm telling you. What are you doing?
Looks a maze.
Dude, you can grow a beard so fast.
Yeah. I'm just kind of like... California's wailing and weeping.
In Texas, they're like, everybody's so happy.
Nope, not at all. It's very weird because I'm not used to you having feelings.
Your teeth are not as yellow as I thought they were when you had a beard.
No one's going to start crying. Yeah.
Yeah, I have people from California, our friends texting us like, is everything okay there?
I'm like, no one cares here. Texas is its own universe.
Hi, Gene. I'm so happy to be back.
beardless Tom is post nut clarity in human form oh my god so true that's so true now that is the John Segura Tom looks like an aggressive lesbian no I don't see that how do you like that one and he liked that one is Tom dying from Christina's cancer sure fucking looks that way that's funny Tom without a beard is like seeing an owl's legs Well, that's funny.
What is the vice president's job?
That's it. That's all they do. That person's there.
Right. They're a hype man. That's all they do. They're supposed to be there in case the press gets shot. Yes. And then you're back up.
They're figureheads. Do you want to run for president and I'll be your VP?
I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be first lady. That's way too much.
Yeah, they don't do shit.
Yeah, it's great.
It's basically the job of a wife. Like whenever your husband does stupid shit, you have to be like, no, he's right. He's 100% right. That's 100% what it is. And I'm behind this person no matter what.
Yeah. Yeah.
That should be how it goes.
But then what happens if he gets shot? Then you have to find a white guy to replace the vice president.
It should always be done by a woman because we're just easier to get along with. You think so? And we're just like, yeah, you're so smart, babe. You're so smart. It's kind of like what I do with you. I'm like, babe, you're so handsome. You're so smart. Everything you do is real rad.
This is brilliant.
I can vote for this immediately. Don't step in it. He's afraid of stepping in it. He just loaded his shorts.
It's like when your cat shits in the litter box and it's squirrely. He's trying not to step. This guy's brilliant.
Now, might I make a suggestion to Uncle Ron?
If you really want to engage your followers, you should make cellophane underwear. Tight cellophane.
I want to see what I'm missing.
This is too much of the imagination. Wow.
Don't push too hard. You don't have to push.
God damn it. That's how I feel when I piss and don't shit.
Where are you finding him?
How have I missed this guy?
Is this on YouTube as well?
This is awesome. Now, see, Instagram has caught up to TikTok, and I will even say surpassed TikTok. Now, when I find my curations.
It's become more mainstream.
Yeah. For those people just listening, it's a dude on public transportation violently picking his nose and then eating the books. Oh, isn't that special? This is an Asian one. This is what, Japan? Usually they're not that disgusting. Right? Aren't Japanese people hygienic and public and stuff? I don't know. I could be wrong.
That's so true.
Did you like that? No, I hated it so much. Why do you hate that so bad? I know what you're doing. I know what the fuck you're doing. You're looking for a retaliation video. No, I would never do that. Yes, you are. No, I'm not.
I love this.
Looking very natural, very relaxed, very calm. Feeling good.
That's so true. Holy shit. I didn't even know they had legs like that.
I got it.
I do look like Rick Ross. Yes, it is.
Look. You're missing. No. Look. Not missing. I don't like it. You fucker. You fucking asshole.
Ew, he puked up everywhere. It's all pink. Is that going to happen to me if I try that? No. No. You're such a fucker. You know that? Yeah. I hate you. I take back everything nice I've ever fucking said about you.
Yeah, anyway. Yeah, I finished Radiation.
Thank you for your support, Tom. Anyway, thanks, Josh.
That's amazing. That is 100% accurate.
Dad, I did 35 rounds of fucking Chernobyl in my tits and my body and I'm glad I'm done. Cancer treatment is officially over. I'm cancer free and I'm fucking back and then I'll get my tits done in six months. But I know you guys have been wondering what magazines did I leave on my last day of treatment.
i have photos okay so i had to go all over austin to find a magazine stand it's very hard to find quality mags these days um okay so i did find like a gay gay travel magazine i don't have that one no no because i didn't i ended up not dropping it it was too aggressive like they were like kind of holding each other too much and like they're touching their junk okay
So what I left instead was Elizabeth Hurley on the cover of Maxim. This is in the waiting room. I've been dropping fun mags.
Yeah, and her tits are out. She's older for a Maxim model, I'd say, but I figure the older crowd would appreciate that. And then, of course, my final token, Weed World. Weed World. I thought that was pretty fun.
Yeah, that's true. The cancer crowd. The cancer crowd. They love it.
That's true. I didn't even think about that.
So that's it. I'm done. I wore a prom dress to my last treatment.
You look great. I have my Chernobyl yellow dress. You look festive. Here's my buddy. I'm super happy. I rang the bell and I was worried that I would be kind of a nanny nanny poo poo to the sick people. Guess what? What? They all clapped and cheered, and it was very special and beautiful.
And that was it. And now I'm severely traumatized. I've been reading horror porn, like Clive Barker books, like Books of Blood. I don't know what that means. Very dark, but also very horny at the same time.
It's horny and dark and macabre. why i don't understand because it's like it's like they talk about sexual stuff at the same time like ripping flesh off of bones and stuff and like it'll get them aroused to to see like uh blood and guts and who who's aroused by like the characters these are all short stories
Horror and gore and weirdness. It's a whole new genre I'm into right now.
Oh, that's probably where I'm at because I've been reading, like I said, Clive Barker who wrote Hellraiser. I'm a huge fan. Yeah. And the Books of Blood is what that stuff's based on.
And I think, yeah, maybe I'm just super traumatized and there you go.
Shout out also Doug Bradley who plays Pinhead. He's a fan of the show.
Thanks. Yeah. Well, yeah, because without me, who's going to love you and take care of your kids and stuff and tell you how great you are? Who's going to be your vice president without me?
Thanks, VP. Thank you. Yeah, I'm happy. Also-
But we'll see if they've pinned it to me, if they've identified me.
They're going to know now. I know. I'm going to go back in for my checkup tomorrow.
They know. They know that I'm an asshole. But I know that a lot's been going on in my world with cancer and the radiation. But more importantly, major news in your world we haven't even talked about yet.
The return of the jacket.
The jacket. Wow, it goes back this far.
You're Timothy without, that's so true. It's Timothy. Because you're already a pretty white guy, but then it takes it to another level.
You mean you lost it?
Maybe if you loved it, you would have kept a better eye on it.
I know. You have to let it go. You've got to let it go, Tom.
Jacket karma. You lose a jacket. Exactly. And you're going to gain an even better jacket. Just watch. You'll see it. It'll come to you.
The whole world has been taken over by Timothy Segura. In fact, I would like to share something that I have done in honor of your lack of facial hair. It took the world by storm. And to commemorate this once-in-a-lifetime thing that we saw Tom without his facial hair. It's like Haley's Comet. It's never going to happen again in your lifetime. I have drawn. This took days. Days.
Wow. The jacket.
Yes.
Yes. Not safe.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
People couldn't focus on the fight.
Just take like six of them.
They were like snack boxes that Netflix had provided.
Hilarious. And then, wait, wait. The best part is he opened one, didn't like the contents, and then handed it to me. Like, hey, you want this shit? I was like, thanks, Pac-Man.
He really was.
There's the jacket.
But can I tell you that I understand him getting so fired up because I think... You had to be in the room to feel the energy of the level of disappointment that we all felt from that fight. Because the women went up first. The two women fought. Taylor and Serrano. Oh, my God.
Palpable energy. And people were fucking losing their minds.
That's right. Kendall Tool. We ran into her.
That crushed. She had her eye gashed open and we could see that.
That was amazing. I'm totally into women's boxing now, and I want to go see UFC.
I got to go see all this stuff.
Well, and I have to admit that I was very sexist against women when I saw them fighting each other the first time. I remember even saying to Joe, like, privately one day, I was like, I don't know, I don't like seeing women hitting each other and stuff. He's like, goes, Christina, they're warriors. And I was like, oh, that's cool. Like that kind of, that makes sense.
No. And then I was like, I get it. Cause when a bitch fights, fuck, like, you know how fucked up you have to be to be a female comic? Take that times a hundred and you're a female boxer. Holy shit. Now I got to get into this. I love it.
No, I want to watch. So, so hold on. So the room is electric. These women fight, everybody's pumped and we're all waiting for,
I've got a lot of free time. My hobbies. I'm into hobbies and stuff. And I sat down and this took about a month to do.
This is Tom.
right now and what i love about this is the attention to detail he doesn't seem to appreciate it but people in the art world have really been enjoying it let's start with the top i have it up on the screen oh sure um i love i did there i like the attention to detail the red splotches on the top of your head you know from various sunburn or just the pink hue in your skin it just gets pinker up there
Pretty gross. Again, the emotions were high. Everybody was, there's a lot going on. Listen, I got to pish real quick. Okay. And then I got to make a big announcement. I'm Polly and I'm bye.
Now I will say, as a goth, very strange to choose beach volleyball considering we don't like to get a ton of sunlight.
It is a perky thing. I mean, I would go with something angry like lacrosse, maybe horseback riding, solo sport, maybe tennis. A goth tennis player would be great. But I'm stoked. It's standing out with her pink dyed bangs, bold eyeliner and septum ring.
Haid has earned a large online following for bringing an alternative aesthetic to sport, to a sport often associated with traditional beach culture. So good. I'm I'm OK. It says Hayes unique appearance has sparked a humorous online debate over whether her style leans more toward goth or juggalo.
But she remains focused on combining her love for sports and artistic self-expression. Very cool.
So I'm a trad. I consider myself trad goth. We're the first wave. I, you know, I stopped there. I don't like Marilyn Manson. I know. I know. Sorry, guys. I stop at like the 80s music.
Not just that. You guys had Matthew McConaughey on to Bears One Cave, and the majority of the comments were about your lack of a beard. Right.
So she would be, I guess, I want to go with like not a cyber goth, but definitely the newest generation of goth, which I'm not even familiar with. But I like it. It does. It's a little juggalette. I can see that.
But I respect the hair. I respect the tradition.
Always.
Good for her.
The eyebrows are still the meanies. You've always got those meanies going.
Well, and her pussy too.
Yeah.
beautiful blue eyes as blue as the sea and then the dark rings under them you know just that's always going to be there the patchy blotchy swollen puffy darkness and then the nose now some people would say oh that's not tom's nose it's tom's future nose i thought i would kind of give the picture a little time travel element it's what's his name our favorite guy from uh the coming to america
Totally. I must have. Just whatever.
I do like the Southern, like, hey, man.
Well, hold on. What? Does anyone else see the irony here? Yeah, yeah. Annie, go ahead and point it out to my husband.
Non-joking, in all seriousness.
That I would make business calls on the toilet.
Yeah, what do you do on the toilet?
Uh-huh.
No, I didn't poo with Brendan.
You do that to everyone. No, not like that. Babe, you do.
Why are you lying? I do that. Pinocchio, your nose is going to grow even bigger.
Oh my God.
Yeah, but you beef and then you pull your legs up and you pump your legs and you spread your legs. You beef all the time. Why are you lying? That's not true. You're so disgusting. And then you're like, well, let's fuck. I want to fuck. And then you just beef on me all the time. No. Yeah. You beefed in the room last night. We were putting the boys down and it smelled so bad we kicked you out.
You're the king of beefs. Hey, may I please segue before we get into something else?
I'm very excited to announce this. Announce? It's a beautiful lead-in. Here. Thank you. Let's see here. Chips in a bowl. I want cats eating kibble. Oh, wow. This is a big fucking thing. Such a good sound.
This is a big announcement, kids.
Mommies.
Go ahead. Jeans. Everybody, pull your jeans up over your eyes as high and tight as they can go. At long last, at long last, you know, last summer I came out as Polly. And bi. And bi. And bi. And I came out with the Perfect Red. This was my first lipstick. And I believe this to be the most perfect shade of red, the perfect consistency, everything.
Because I've been wearing red since I was 13 years old. And I researched it and I made it in Italy. And it's been such a success. And I thank everybody that's bought the Perfect Red that now... This is a blue-based red. I have created an orange-based red called the Atomic Red. And this one is orange-based and it's lighter. Same formula, different color. And I've also added two more colors.
Madison, which is a mauve. This one you can wear...
uh you know picking up the kids going to the grocery store it just kind of elevates your everyday look and then if you want to get spooky and you really want to show motherfuckers what's up berlin this is a dark burgundy and it's only for the real goths out there it's real g's maybe uh the cholo goths whatever this is if you really want to why don't you send that volleyball player one
John Amos. John Amos nose. And you got those beautiful mouth. That's a beautiful mouth.
I would love to send the volleyball player all four. You can buy the perfect four, buy the collection together. And I also have a bunch of new merch in my store. By the way, I have a brand new website too, ChristinaP.com. NoMoreChristinaPOnline.com, which is so awful. ChristinaP.com, you can find all my new merch, new designs.
I've actually drawn a lot of the doodles that are on these shirts myself. So you have to buy it. You have to check it out.
And then the chest hair and the beige. I didn't have a beige crayon, so I used yellow.
Thank you guys. Thank you. And it's all because of the mommies out there.
Well, I'll tell you why I believe in it because I have a passion for it. That's true. I am fanatic about lipstick. You guys know me. I wear my red every single time we film the show. Yeah. I'm passionate about lipstick, and I believe in it, and that's why I spent a ton of money doing this. This is not a bullshit, cheapy thing. No, I know. This is made in Italy. It's imported.
It's the best quality lipstick. You did a great job. A lot of companies, even the brands you think should be fancy, expensive, they're not fancy and nice.
They use cheap shit, and they're not beautiful and nice. This is the real deal.
Look at that. It's so beautiful. And the new website... It has pretty stuff on there too. I'm so pumped. And also on my TikTok, if you go to Christina P, you can now buy this on my shop. I've got a TikTok shop and I'll be on there all the time just talking about lipstick. You did it, Jean. I'm obsessed with lipstick. I just love it. I want you to try it on. Will you wear this?
Of course I am. I'll be selling these on ymhstudios.com, signed, of course, to commemorate Tom's baby face.
Can I get you to try on? Because your lips are very pretty. Which color would you be? I think you're a Berlin because you're kind of saucy.
So good. Swish it. Way around my mouth.
But he, can I tell you something now? This is a man of the people. He finally gets what we like.
I haven't decided yet. What do you think? I mean, you tell me.
Fuck yeah, dog. Delicious.
Hell yeah. Did I bet that tastes so good?
I love it. I'll tell you what. Can I tell you the truth? Yeah. Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, talk to me. I know you like fancy meals, and we go to these sometimes very fancy places, and there's multiple courses, and I know I'm supposed to enjoy it. Sometimes, most of the time, I'd rather just be eating a burnt hot dog. Yeah, I hear you on that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yeah, it's good.
yeah yeah good i mean that's my favorite burger do you know my favorite is and i've even ordered it from la frozen in a box um cupids hot dogs yeah cupids in the valley i think i told you this the other day i love it i think hold on hold on wait can i tell you what i like the chili dog you know you cupids remember cupids the chili with mustard and onion did you you do it that way too
Yeah, I grew up eating those after school.
No, not at your age.
Well, it's because you look like a hot dog right now.
There's so much sodium. It's too much sodium. Do they make low-sodium dogs?
You're just going to give up like that?
This is the time. If you want to go suck dicks randomly, do it now.
Uh-oh. All right. The grease, the juices.
Uh-oh. Or hilarious? Ah, shit. This is why I don't fucking do this. Fuck! That's horrible. That's my worst nightmare.
The fuck, dude?
No, that's literally my nightmare. I like this one. You like that? Why are you messing with the cross?
I don't think he screamed enough, I want to say.
Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could have happened quick. Yeah. Yeah, that could have happened real quick.
Yeah.
Yeah.
On a whim. Well, no, I've been trying to get you to shave this beard for 15 years. You won't do it.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, it was a good recovery. It happens.
You just don't want to twist your ankles.
Yeah, I've fallen off a stage before in Dallas.
Yeah, getting off. It was some club and one, two, I lost my footing and I ate shit. And you popped up? And the audience was like, and then I just popped up.
yep these are always good you good pal oh no no he's gonna drop the that was i don't know i mean i feel like oh josh likes it yeah how come they don't prepare for that oh they should i feel like that should be part of the job that they prepare for that
Oh, cool. Okay. Well, then that's hilarious.
Thanks, pal.
Flagged? Yeah.
Okay. Let's look at the Denver screen.
I think he's just watching television, which is cool.
Yeah, that's the best part. He didn't think twice about uploading it. Oh, a little licky lick. Cool. Isn't that nice? It's very nice. He's just breathing.
Yeah. Oh, here we go. He's got his shirt off this time.
I want to say Russian or a new language. Yeah, it's like some Slavic kind of shit going on. He's got a big potato nose, so he's been drinking.
17,000 years ago.
Thank you. Oh, he's at the laundromat. Yeah.
It feels a lot longer. Yeah. Yeah. Well. Yeah.
Yeah. Because I had some girl be like, I know where that guy is. Yeah. Go there right now. That's what he's hoping for, right? Yeah. Pretty cool. That was so nice. Thank you.
You're all done. They can make out with these dudes. Yeah. That's so rad. Yeah.
Side by side, guys. Get your prints right now. Right? ChristinaP.com. YMA Studios.
Dude, it's perfect. It's spot on.
Yeah.
You guys have been looking at this mug for 20 years. Whatever, guys. You think I don't know that face?
Ew. Wait, wait. How did that make you feel? What did you think?
There you go.
Oh, his nails are so long, too.
Ooh, all of it. So this is a new guy. I mean, we used to have piss spots, and now this guy's teaching us.
Guys, 72 pounds down, carnivore diet. He goes down, dot, dot, carnivore diet. He's just letting you know.
He's showing you his chest, babe. He looks good. You don't think he looks good?
He's fucking you. He's eye fucking you. Yeah. He's also in his car or his truck.
Is that a bus? He's just feeling it. I don't know, dude.
The Indian version.
Uh-oh. Careful. Uh-oh. He's toying with us.
He almost wants to give you an oopsie. Oopsie.
But that's a lighter color piss.
Well, they gave you massive farts. That's a problem. I love that people are very upset by your lack of a diet.
Pour it in there slowly. Uh-oh. All right. There's a flaw in the system.
He's winking at us.
It's good, right? It's really good. I hope she opens for them. I heard she's going to open for them.
I want to hear every other Oasis song, too.
But I get it. We know you one way.
Of course I am, if they come to America.
Did they announce it? I don't know. I've kind of been in a bubble. I would love to see them. No, Brighton, Cardiff. They said they're going to announce USA.
manchester the rose bowl sold out fucking cunts yeah sorry guys i've been under wait where's the rose bowl i don't see it um in the middle of september oh yeah fucking hell all right agent jeans you're listening to this look at that look at how quickly that Wait, is that the only America? They're doing LA, Chicago, East Rutherford. That's so random.
Why East Rutherford, New Jersey, and then LA and Chicago? Because they can get the East Coast. They're getting East and West. They're doing New York, LA. That's it. Fuck. I fucking failed.
Yeah. Toronto. All sold out.
Agent Jeans, get me tickets.
Meow.
Yep. That's somebody's.
But it is, you know, we all know you as bearded bear Tom. I don't like it when you change your appearance either.
God, don't put it out there.
Don't forget my lipstick's the perfect four. Now in my store, ChristinaP.com. Check it out. Try it out.
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Boop, boop, boop. And don't forget to buy your original Christina P. drawing of Tom without a beard.
Are we going to be on on the way out?
Love you guys.
Bye.
Yeah, your owl's legs face. That's so good.
Yeah, ymhstudios.com. Let's open the show. Get your print now.
You just watched your mom's house. Did you like it? Then watch another one. Watch our clips. I don't know. Check it out. Try it out. If you didn't like it, look for other stuff. Maybe in the next video, there's people getting hurt the way you like, or maybe gay dudes talking about dick stuff. I don't know. Try it out. Maybe there's always something for everybody.
He has an amazing voice. Also, what I love about Will Blunderfield, because I keep up with him on the gram, Tom, is he finds unique, different ways every single day to advertise homosexuality to straight men.
No, but yesterday's post was like, if you're not sucking on your bro's hummus cannon, don't expect to attract the ladies. Exactly. If you really want to attract ladies.
But kind of, doesn't it make sense on a level?
Well, no, I'm being serious. I'm being serious, too. You're just generating more testosterone. More testosterone, yeah. More male hormone.
Yeah.
There's nothing straighter than that.
You should try it. Yeah. I think you should do it. It makes a lot of sense. Can I tell you the time to do it?
Is now before people start recognizing you.
Because we walk down the streets and it's a little less people recognize you. You could probably get away with fucking a normal guy in a bar right now.
You don't have to go to an escort is what I'm saying. He spreads my cheeks. Listen to that.
I love Will's passion.
He spreads my cheeks. Sing it again. There's so much sense he's making. And what, he creams in his, where does he cream? Creams inside of him. Inside of him. In his B?
Oh, I know. You're always having gay affairs. I'm convinced of it. I'm convinced of it every time you leave.
Oh, sure.
We have our president and we're... You know, I will say, though, is that I've been on Melania TikTok. I've been going down her rabbit hole.
Well, no, just like videos of her. Yeah.
I don't think I had a full appreciation for her when she was our first lady. And now, because she's Slovenian.
Great. I want to have Birkenback. That's all she wanted out of this.
She wants to go live on Park Avenue. So it's going to be nice seeing her. She's very thin. She's very beautiful. Her outfits are great. She has great outfits. Because, you know, the first ladies historically, I say aside from Michelle Obama, who was very attractive, they've been dogs, the dog pound. So it's nice to have a hot chick back.
I know.
He's 18.
Teen vibes.
It's very exciting. We're going to make America great again.
Yeah, see, look at these dogs. Look at those. Martha Jefferson looks like a smoke show. Martha Washington dog.
And these are paintings, which means they're forgiving.
Oof.
But hold on. Do you think these chicks were hot for their time? No. Like Lucretia Garfield? Was she a smoke show? Was she the Melania?
Where is she?
Oh, yeah, she looks like a serial killer.
Lucy Hayes.
I'm going to say Frances Cleveland is the hottest so far. What? Frances Cleveland. I didn't see her. She's got the color portrait. Oh, okay. I mean, dark beauty.
Grace? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Grace could get it. Right, Tom, as you say.
Oh, look at Mamie's got them baby bangs. Eisenhower.
Jackie Kennedy.
Okay. Here we go. All right. I finally got a decent foot job. So let's talk about it and rate it one through 10. Somebody on Twitter reached out to me and said she gives amazing foot jobs. And I was like, there is absolutely no way. And turns out she was close to me. So I had to try it. I told her, come on. Yeah, let's link up. We're going to collab. I'm going to post it. I did the method.
I'm not going to post the video. I just wanted a free foot job. We linked up. She put like a special type of oil on her feet. And I can't lie. It was pretty decent. But the reason I say it was decent is because what even is a good foot job?
Have you ever had a foot job before?
I mean, I mean, a foot massage, like a foot job. How do you even know if a foot job is a good one? Like, what are you supposed to compare it to? She couldn't make me finish. I don't think I would ever finish from feet, honestly. She was kind of mad that I wanted the buns. But it's like, what do you expect? You come over here and expect to just give me feet?
So yeah, I would give this experience like a 6 out of 10. It's probably my last time trying this. She is expecting me to post it and tag her to give her a little bit of clout. But I'm not going to lie, bro. I'm not going to post that shit. What the fuck I look like posting me getting a foot job for?
I don't care about digital footprint, but I don't want my future kids to see me getting a fucking foot job.
Did he cup your balls to comfort you?
Because he gave you drugs that floored you, and then he was watching you fry, like watching you take a journey.
That doesn't sound remotely gay.
Hold on. I've got so many more questions.
Oh, so good.
I get it. I love that entree. That's the secret. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.
I didn't even tell you what happened to me in my vortex.
Did I? So I went to a vortex.
It's a spiritual location in Sedona where you get downloads and, you know, your high vibrations. And I didn't get any. But I got to see a bird fly at like my eye level, bro. Like a fucking black crow. It was like chilling like right there. And I was like, oh, that was worth it. That was tight. You ever seen a fucking crow fly like right at your fucking eye level? Tight.
yeah dude you know what i'm saying i was too scared to do the drugs but i i tripped out on a fucking bird bro was like talking to me he was all he's all let go bitch i asked sage for uh more dmt i don't mind taking that stuff yeah i was like send some bro oh because you know what i've done lsd in my formative years yeah i don't know why i'm whispering i don't know either but
Some revelations, things revealed in the world. I'm so excited.
I don't need to see stuff anymore.
But that's, I'm happy for you.
It wasn't scary. Okay. Okay, so this, I have so many thoughts about this opening clip. Yeah. I mean, first of all, Orange Chicken at Panda Express.
I understand she's in a mall, clearly. She went to the food court.
Get it. Why not find a toilet? I've had diarrhea in the mall here at the domain. One time I was at Free People and I felt diarrhea coming on. You know what I did? Yeah. I left and I looked for a toilet and I found one. Yeah. Malls have toilets. So my question is, was she trying on a thong?
Satanic.
I don't think she's trying on stuff, Victoria.
Shut the front door.
Who does that?
But then is she shitting in her pants? No, no, no. She's pulling down her pants and then going into the room.
Why? What's wrong with those? What's wrong?
You should flip the order.
You buy your lingerie first.
Yeah, the third eagle of the apocalypse.
Panda Express is so goddamn good, though.
She has nice hair, Tom.
Have you ever shat in a dressing room?
I haven't either.
Oh, yes. Yes. He's drinking Joe, too. Wow. Oh, my God. How long can he sustain that?
Vote for the Donald.
Oof. It's so crazy.
Sure.
I don't understand it either. What a skill.
Well, that's how he calibrates the sound.
Oh, wow. I would pay to see him do a concert of all my favorite songs.
Yeah, and he's always in front of those birds.
You think he could cover Bauhaus or The Cure? Oh, wow. I wish he would do Bela Lugosi's Dead. That's a long one.
I know. It's like we support him. We support his platform. We're all about his stuff. I wish he'd fucking get it. I love you. I miss you. You've been gone for so long.
You try it Tom. Any?
Yeah. There's nobody that can do what this guy does.
Nobody. I mean, I've had friends that can do the two fingers.
I feel like Bert can do that. Doesn't Bert do that? Or he goes like that. Like he does that. Who? Bert Kirshner. Doesn't he do that?
Just, he can't win.
Burt Kershaw.
Burt Kershire.
At the Super Bowl.
It's amazing. Burt Kershire.
That's why I changed my last name from Pajitsky to P. That was a good call. By the way, buy my lipstick, ChristinaP.com. You get, she get all four colors at the same time. I'm wearing Berlin today. That's the darkest. Perfect red, atomic red, Madison, Berlin.
yeah what no i know we're thinking you're thinking about something else yeah i was looking at something on the board there but oh um yeah it's been a very busy very busy time a week now you're back now i'm back before that we went to clear i'm back i'm here poly and by we we went to sedona for a little getaway to get away from our children that was awesome days that was amazing
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That's $50 off with code YOURMOM at BlueNile.com. BlueNile.com. What else was I going to say? Bert Kirshner. Oh, fuck, I forget.
I always like fart things.
Oh, shit.
That is horrifying.
I did her a big favor. Do you know that there's couples?
It is a high vibration place. The aliens, there are vortexes. I visited a vortex alone. You did not join me, but that's okay. And we went on a spiritual journey.
Yes.
Very sweet. I've met him at the mothership.
Yeah, super sweet. There's couples that don't fart in front of each other and couples that hold in farts for years and years. Can you imagine?
It just seems like like a hard way to live your entire life with another person. Excuse me.
Oh, my God. That's no-win situation.
Well, look, you may as well enjoy the sound that the fart makes and laugh. Why not have a laugh at the same time as you're breathing in farts?
Yes, yes. He can fart. He goes...
I don't think I've had one. I don't know if I've had one.
The fart stair walk.
Wow. I don't think I could relax enough to do that.
Oh, yeah.
That's really cool, Tom.
Oh, Annie, congratulations.
Hitler burned queer books. You know, this comes right off the tail of.
Did you? This was your first one.
Black and indigenous, Creole and Romani. Do I sound like that?
I've been listening to it on a roll.
Yeah.
Romani Creole. Before Hitler got on meth, he was a guy to go fishing with.
You did?
That's what I'm saying. That's the craziest sentence I've ever heard. Before Hitler got on meth. You know who he sounds like? It sounds like Stevie. Yeah. Old Stevie. It's exactly the same.
He sounds just like Stevie.
Wow.
Wow. This is a powerful song. We got to learn this.
Follow your black sisters.
It's funny. It's always white ladies taking up this cause. They always take up everybody else's cause. The white ladies, huh? Yeah. These fucking ladies, these broads. Do you think these broads fuck? Oh, here we go. Yep.
Tell me where you went. Can you share with us?
You're Latino.
She didn't say black, did she? Yeah.
Oh, my. I felt that anti-Semitism.
Dude, she didn't list the Jews.
Or Palestinians.
Wow.
She's so full of hate. But she made it all about the gays. It says about the gays. The first part of the song is just about the gays. And then she goes into the people of color. Shameless. But then she lumps in Creole with Latin and Hispanic. Wait, hold on. Latin and Hispanic aren't the same? Aren't you guys all the same?
what's the difference between Latin and Hispanics?
Oh, I didn't know that.
Not European is what I called it. Okay.
She did not include my people. Slovakian, Romanian, Bulgarians. Come on, man. She's full of hate.
You go into space? Yeah.
No. Your mom's way classier. I'd like to say something. I'm going to, and I'm, and I. I'm not a Disney adult by any stretch.
Is this Disneyland? This appears to be Disneyland, correct? Not Disney World?
I mean, last time we were at Disneyland, I felt that it wasn't indicative of a real classy Disney experience. The people they're hiring now are not upholding the Disney brand. They're being rude. They're being like too casual.
I don't like it.
You think, what is that? It's just like they can't find people?
Like normal people?
This is disgusting.
disneyland workers who flick their tongues out at you no they suck she doesn't get included no because when we took our boys to disney last year i noticed that that the staffers are they're not like upholding the the disney vibe anymore yeah that's terrible
We had a waiter. You remember the waiter? Yeah. In Sedona who...
What did you think about us? Were you like, how do I murder? How do I kill? How do I conceal the bodies?
It was like too much. And he had like rehearsed.
I hate the bits. I hate the... I've been a server at high, like a high-end French restaurant. I've been a server. I've been a cocktail waitress. I've worked at many levels.
And there's a way to give service to people where it's not disingenuous. Like, hey, how are you? I can tell you didn't like that a bunch. Or like...
Well, it's mean, yeah.
Because I feel like that's a reprieve from what normally goes on in your brain, which is, I mean, yesterday I was watching the new Bridget Jones movie.
he's like Colin Robinson, the, the emotional vampire from what we do in the shadows. Like they, waiters can drain you of your life supply.
And he was, and I'll tell you something as someone that's been a waitress, he's a career waiter. He is. And he provides excellent service. We'll say like the level of service was great. Like he totally did his job. But I think when you become the, the main character in someone's dinner, it's, you're also robbing that table of them just having an experience at a restaurant.
Cause now you're like the life of the party. They don't need you to be the life of the party. You're just there to bring their food.
Yeah.
And you came in and you were like, the chick stuff. And I'm like.
But as, like I said, like he doesn't need to ever in every five seconds, you're like part of my reach. Like, It's fine. You don't need to pardon the reach. Just get the cup out of my fucking life. Okay. And then they give 500 plates for one thing. You know what I mean? Like just fucking, it's okay. You don't have to come every Tuesday. Everything. Okay. I have everything tasting.
Like just shut the fuck up.
You still good. Yeah. I'm fucking still good. I'll let you know. It's too much service. And what I learned in a French restaurant when I worked at a French restaurant, you know what they teach you in a French restaurant? Is that when you're not bringing food to tables or waiting, you just stand in the room. You stand up against the wall with your hands. And if they need you, they call you.
How did I say it? The stupid ass chick stuff.
You're just looking.
Yeah. And you were disappointed because there's no murder. Yeah, I was like, who gets killed in this?
Time to get that money.
Because what goes on in your mind all day is what goes on in there. So the sound bath must have been a pretty crazy thing for you.
Right. Because let's say, God forbid, the guy with the six bucket of beers wants more alcohol.
Reopen the check.
And then I'd rather take the time as a server to reopen a check in the middle of the show versus at the very end of the night having a stack of fucking you have to close out everybody's bill.
By the way, a dollar for sauces is ridiculous. Those should be complimentary.
and by the way i've eaten at guy fairy's restaurant in an airport outstanding it's good i really liked it so i'll pay a dollar for a condiment okay look hawaiian i can't read this my motley q and i like that they name things funny motley q pulled pork sandwich adorable 23.99 that is a lot of money for a Is this in Vegas? You're right.
That is a lot for a pulled pork sandwich.
Babe, a bacon mac and cheeseburger at $24.99.
Wow.
No, it's not. It's an upper.
But here's my thinking from a branding perspective.
Guy Fieri, I thought, would appeal to a... Maybe like not so high to your price point. You know what I'm saying?
That's Vegas, yeah. Vegas, baby.
Yeah.
That's pretty standard. You go anywhere else, and you're going to pay this much for crap.
Yeah, no, this is not fair to do to a guy.
Can I tell you what is kind of disturbing, though, is that guy is holding the live chicken.
Maybe not. I would hold the cooked version. No. Because you don't want to think about the animal you're butchering.
Tom's grew a steak. This guy's so mad.
But he didn't see the prices before he ordered. You can look at the menu, bro. You don't got to eat there, homie. Look at the prices before you fucking... He's so mad. He's so mad.
You know what I liked is she had, so I don't know if you've ever done a sound bath, people here. It was fucking cool. It's so fun because they have different sounds. One is like a rain sprinkler.
You know, we've all got our things.
You know what it is? You go to Vegas, you put a few in him, and he gets angry.
Yeah, they're not subtle about that in other countries. They put pictures of lungs and stuff in Europe.
I literally said that. Yeah, you can see the prices on the menu before you order. So why is he shocked?
I mean, look, you and I were in Vegas when we were broke as Broke Comics. You know where we ate?
Chipotle, remember?
We ate at Chipotle every day.
You don't have to eat at Guy's place.
He puts his own picture of him.
Yeah. I can't even do that on my videos. That's cool.
Chimes. Chimes.
It's not going to happen.
Oh, he's so clever. Did you see that? He gave that like, see how smart I am?
Fuck you, Bill Maher. I got this down. I love when guys like him break it down for you too, the economics of stuff, Tom.
Okay, here's the Christmas post. Do you think he's going to complain that they don't say Merry Christmas where he's from or that they've forgotten Jesus? What do you think that video is? It's going to be some complaint about how America has gone south with Christmas. They've forgotten the real meaning.
That's where my money is. What is yours?
So Merry Christmas.
In June. In June.
Yeah. I mean, he didn't say, I know he did say season's greetings. Okay. I thought we'd get a rant.
Well, hold on. Echo told us. That was our lady, our sound guide. She, before, notified us that she would be calling in, remember this, spirits from other dimensions to assist us on our journey. And I was like, well, hold on. I didn't authorize that kind of stuff.
$7.11.
This guy's fucking... No, Popeyes is not going out of business.
No, dipshit. But I am upset that California Pizza Kitchen has gone out of business.
Yeah. Can you believe that? It's done? Will you Google it? Because there used to be one here at the Bromain in Austin. That's our children's favorite restaurant, CPK. And it's gone. And I don't think it's gone from... No. It did file for bankruptcy in 2020.
The company emerged with a reduced debt load. Well, the one in Austin's gone, and I am deeply upset. Please, CPK, bring back your Austin location.
CPK does provide a great product.
I just want to see like... Yeah, what is he like to you?
Oh, he's only got like 2,800 followers. Babe, he's only got 2,800 followers.
All this gobbledygook, this jargon. I don't understand what these people do.
Let's go to his YouTube. Let's see what these episodes are like. What is he doing entire episodes on?
Oh, okay. So he's legit.
Well, that was the fatal flaw of our sound bath is that it took place in a conference room in a hotel. And every now and then somebody would open the door.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
This is a business advice, guy. I know. Don't do self-checkout. Yeah, no shit.
Okay.
I hate self-checkout.
Can we please do some happy birthdays?
Oh, it's my absolute faves.
I closed the door.
It's so bad, his answer. I love it. I love how bad it is.
Happy birthday. Especially the bad Cockney accent is really what gives me the most joy.
I love when it's bad.
It kind of took us out of the moment of the journey.
I also like how many happy birthdays you can get.
Yeah. It's easy to get back in. And I like the sounds. They sound like little twinkles, like twinkle. And then she walks around you. Yeah.
I do like the long of the ah.
That could be a whole new lane. Ah.
If you could do a really long pause like that.
That's really funny.
He did. And he said, thank you.
What's going on with that kid? What do you think's happening?
Gosh, Jaden. Yeah. He's all over the map, that kid. Fucking stupid. It is fucking stupid.
Let's see you. Oh, you could so do this. Look at that.
Yeah, and then I was so worried you would fart because it's at a higher altitude, Sedona, and we all had altitude farts.
You guys are twin brothers already.
Look at him. Oh, my God. You guys really are blue eyes. You got the blue eyes.
Oh, he's stunning.
Peter Murphy's got good everything. Good cheek structure, good eyelashes. So here's what you'd have to do to do this. You've got to get a spray tan. I don't think Peter Murphy spray tans. I think that you're exceptionally pasty.
And you need a spray tan, and then we've got to put some blue eyeshadow. And that's pretty much it.
Yeah, it's a little eyeliner. He does it in the waterline, as they say. You could do that. But I still think...
Are you being serious? I would love that.
I would love that. Would you try?
Yeah. I love guys in black eyeliner.
Here's the deal, man. You can't wear lipstick with a beard. I mean, that's probably why Peter Murphy doesn't do that. It's not appropriate.
No, he's incredibly good looking. He's thin. He kept himself in shape and everything. But I still, I love Peter Murphy, but Robert Smith... is where my heart is. I mean, Robert Smith is like my first crush. Can you listen to me? I mean, growing up as a teenage girl, 13 years old, he's my first big crush. I have posters of him everywhere. I'm obsessed with Robert Smith.
If you could do Robert Smith, You going to do it?
No, really? Sure. Don't get my hopes up.
Like I said, I said what I said.
Thank you. Tell them. I like that you're supportive.
It's so terrifying. You're like, where are they yelling at?
Fuck.
It'd be so scary if you're in line.
yeah i have to and i look this is not very politically insane correct to say but nothing scares me more yeah than black black girls yelling like black women yelling holy shit girl get your life i mean i think it harkens back to middle school public school and like like this shit escalates bro and they will fucking throw down yeah they fight yeah here The shit gets real, bro.
This is like, I'm having flashbacks to seventh grade.
Fucking Portola Junior High.
dude black girls are vicious though they will in middle school cut you but yeah the that they say to each other i can't even come up with yeah i know it's pretty good it's like damn dude yeah all right i said what i said did you ever get jumped Of course. Of course. I mean, but yes. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I didn't. Here's the problem, man, is I had come from a nice Lutheran school.
I was like this quiet little blonde girl. I had a little bit of scrappy, a little bit of an attitude. And black girls would talk some shit in the locker room and talk shit everywhere. And I didn't know to shut the fuck. I just didn't know that you don't say anything. And I told them, I was like, why don't you shut up? Shut the fuck up. But this is a locker room. Bad idea.
And then I got on the radar and they're fucking me up.
Yeah, don't talk to black people.
I know. I just, I don't know what was wrong with me. I don't know. But that shit scares me, dude. To this day, I'm like, foof, get away from that. Get away from that.
Don't get in your spirit place.
i already knew when to shut the fuck up yeah i didn't know that one yet yeah for sure yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean like i defended myself not very well but i'd fucking i fought i tried dude but these bitches got crazy dude like ripping braids out during lunchtime, and they fucking fought. They fought hard. Harder than, like, Chola girls, because Cholas would fight, but never at school.
I feel like I didn't see Mexican girls throw down at school the way black girls throw down.
Anyone? Did you see Cholas fighting?
Cholas, girls.
Yeah?
They fight at school?
Do you ever see white girls throw down like that?
This is a good point because UFC fighters are all crazy white guys, right?
Yeah, but the majority is like crazy white guys.
Trashy whites.
Love the UFC. So there's something to it. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. Violence. Goddamn. Yeah. Asians don't fight. You ever seen Asians fight?
Like I'm saying in school, like public school. Yeah, in school I didn't see Asians fight. You ever see the Chinese kids throw down? No.
But no Asians. No. No Chinese kids.
Not one. Koreans, no.
Yeah.
That Vietnamese motherfucker. He motherfucking lit this dude up.
Well, that's true because I do know there are Asian gangbangers, Asian gangs.
Especially in L.A., yeah. I just haven't seen it. I just haven't seen it. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, let's get some emails.
Please share it with us. We've never seen it.
No, I'm lucky. Otherwise, I've had you as a husband. Mike!
Mike. Go do your act, Tom. Get out on the road. Jesus Christ.
I look at the screen and it goes what's up motherfuckers Tom do I have permission then to have lovers get the fuck out of here you bitch girl get your life
How do we get down this hole?
Oh, the Spirit Air employees.
Does she really do that?
I know. Look, I have sympathy for them. It's a tough gig. Serving the public is... I don't think it's easy. Damn, it's the worst job. I don't think it's easy. It's harsh. Public... You know what's really hard is customer service and people are always angry and... Okay. Yeah.
That's your interpretation of what happened. For me, it was just, I was trying to impress you, trying to get on your level.
How does this chick go on television and not say something? Sorry, my eyes are wide open.
Did not. Don't care. It's my vacation. This was my time in Sedona. I was connecting with higher vibrations.
Of course there is. There's a medical problem happening. Unless she's gacked on... She's not gacked.
hanging out to kids what's a misandrist it's a opposite of misogynist yeah someone that hates men oh wait it's a fake word wait so yeah misogyny is woman hating and misandry is man hating misandrist but he's saying i'm a man yeah i don't understand this shit dislike or contempt against men you know
I honestly did not know that I farted on a woman.
Really?
You all right?
I did not.
Okay, no, no, no. Like, he just straight out.
Oh, gosh. Now I feel bad.
Come on.
I did not know that. I really didn't know that.
Why not? It's perfect to shit out there. Wouldn't you love to shit in a field? I would love to shit outside with a nice warm breeze.
I would like to open defecate. Can we build me an open defecation area?
I'd love to. I've never experienced open defecation.
There must be something to it because all the Indians love doing it.
It's fine. Who cares? Just shit out in the field. There's nothing out there anyway. It's rural. Who's it hurting? I think, you know what? I think this woman is open defecation phobic and I think she needs to fucking.
They used their hands.
Well, I know in the, I don't know actually, I know in Muslim countries you use your hand.
No, I've just learned that when I was in Afghanistan that yes, sometimes they use their hand and they wash their hand. That's why you eat with the left, wipe with the right or vice versa, I forget. I don't know, but they're not bringing paper towels out. Yeah, they're not bringing paper towels to the field. No way. Maybe they're wiping with plants or leaves or something.
What did she look like? Yeah. Oh, yeah. This is not my fault. Thank you for bringing this up, Josh.
Look, humans have been shitting for centuries. This is how we all used to shit. Open defecate. Okay. Across North Africa, Middle East, and Asia, people traditionally use their hands to wipe after using the toilet, followed by washing them with water, often using the left hand specifically for this purpose due to cultural hygiene practices.
Tommy.
This is particularly prevalent in Muslim countries where water-based cleansing is emphasized. Yeah, so you wipe with your left and you eat with your right. Got it. You don't ever want to shake a Muslim's left hand.
Well, I don't know why she's just singling out the Indians. I'm telling you, it's got to be other.
He just Googled that gas and bloating at high altitudes are common and can be caused by a number of factors, including lower air pressure, trapped gas, and swallowing air. It's not my fault, is what I think Josh Zola was trying to say.
Yeah. Good for her. Good for them.
Oh, well, I do remember the story about open defecation where they would come to like Disneyland and shit in public or come to cities and then shit.
See, you know, don't think I didn't notice that when I brought up the idea that the Muslims use their left hand to wipe their ass, you looked at me like I was crazy. Okay, I just didn't know because you guys always are like, oh, Christina, you got these crazy ideas. Let me tell you about the next crazy idea I'm on. Can I talk to you for a second? Sure, man.
It's huge in the mommy TikTok world right now, the mommy sleuths out there. Candace Owens.
I love you, girl. Candace, come on your mom's house. You need to explain this, what I'm about to tell my husband.
It is so good. You guys have to go to her website, CandaceOwens.com, to see the stuff for her YouTube. She's staking her career on the fact that Brigitte Macron, allegedly, Candace Owens is saying that Brigitte Macron, the first lady of France, is actually a man. A la mer.
actually a dude come on i know it's crazy and she's got a ton of evidence and this poulard guy who wrote a book i bought the book i'm all into it candace i would love for you to come on and explain this to the world you're so into this i sound insane i've been into it for like a month now every day i'm like holy shit dude brigitte macron is a dude bro let's pull up a brigitte macron
So here's what I... Oh, we talked about this already on the show. Sorry, yes. But so the series is called Becoming Brigitte. And she goes through their genealogy of the family and how these two meet. And by the way, there's all these stories that Macron meets Brigitte when he is 17 and she is 36. First of all, that's not true. They're saying that he was 14...
I wanted to improve. Press you. What's so bad about wanting your spouse's approval? That's our love language, babe.
And that's when they hooked up. And there's a whole ton of evidence. You guys have to get into every detail because it's fascinating that there's no photographs, allegedly, of this Brigitte Macron for 30 years. 30 years, no photographs, okay? She just... She's born. Okay, so then there's like three photographs that they put out of her. This is supposedly her at her wedding.
Well, they do these AI analyses now of photographs, like the kind that the Chinese use or whatever. And the AI is like, that ain't, That ain't Brigitte Macron. And that guy is actually her, I don't know, uncle, brother, whoever the fuck. It's a whole crazy story. Allegedly, she's assumed she's actually a boy. There's a family photo. Hold on. Where's that family photo? Okay. Let's go back.
Her name is actually Jean-Michel something. Go Google.
So that's when she's teaching.
That is true. I really enjoyed Sedona. I like that you and I did that. And then you went on a little bit of a psychedelic thing, too.
Google Brigitte Macron young family photo. So it starts with here. So basically what happens is she and her husband get into the Elysee, whatever. He's prime minister. And like well-meaning journalists are wanting to investigate her background. Correct. And what they realize is that there's a black hole in Brigitte Macron's background.
history which is like you can dig up school photos you can dig up everything everything's public so they're saying this this poulard and candace that actually brigitte macron is the little boy here on the left my left and i don't know who the hell this one is sitting on the lap of but isn't it possible that that's brigitte on the lap sitting on the lap
No, because they did like AI analysis of the boy.
I'm telling you, bro.
Or whatever, photo recognition softwares and all of this.
Well, if you look at, okay, can you Google childhood photo of Jean-Michel side-by-side with Brigitte Macron? I'm telling you, this little boy is identical to Brigitte Macron. If you do a side-by-side... And then they found a few photographs of Brigitte.
That's Brigitte Macron before she became Brigitte. So she disappears. She goes to Algiers, has a sex change, supposedly comes back, and now is Brigitte. It's bananas. No, this is Michael Jackson. Who are you bringing up? Anyway, Candace, please come on the show and explain this better than I am. It's a whole story. It's fascinating stuff. Look, Tucker Carlson follows her, too. It's a whole thing.
Allegedly, allegedly.
Candace, come on. I know you're pregnant, girl. You're in Tennessee.
Jean-Michel. A man.
Correct. Cool. Right, so she's actually Jean-Michel. She disappears. She comes back, and now she lives as a woman named Veronique for a while. It's a whole fucking thing, man.
I'll tell you why. Because it's not just that this woman is a man.
There you go. See those photos? Those four photos?
They all do.
yeah so they suit them for defamation or slander but it's not on the claims that Brigitte is a woman I'm sorry Brigitte is a man there's slander in the details of the stories it's a long story it's not what you think it is so go back to those images those four images go up boom next row second row scroll down scroll down mommy there Look at those. Okay. Look at, teeth don't lie.
Look at the middle two images.
That's Brigitte as, okay. Got it. See that young man? Yes. And then you see Brigitte Macron. Look at that. I mean, are my eyes deceiving me?
What? Just a stranger at the place we were staying at. But that's Sedona. Yeah.
So the implications for this being, A, if this really is a man who transitioned to a woman, is because having a relationship with a 14-year-old boy is completely inappropriate and illegal and wrong. Secondly, there's ties to... allegedly, Candace is saying, in the Élysée, in the government, they're protecting because they, you know, she believes that this is a culture and they're protecting.
There's also links to the Rothschild family. Reggie Macron is actually a Rothschild, which is like the biggest banking company in France. I know. And they're protecting each other's interests. There's incest. There's all kinds of gross things.
Satanic cults. The lizard people are controlling. Here's my problem, Tom. Can I tell you my problem? Sure. I'm not doing standup anymore. I'm not out in the world.
I'm on the mommy sleuth TikTok and I'm here for it. I love it all. I need to get out of the house.
Tell me about it because I've never done that. I've never done that.
I know it. But Candice, I love you. You're doing God's work.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the talk.
I'm the TikTok today. Aliens.
Oh, yeah.
That was like a Danish dating show or something. He goes to French. That's the Macron family. That's actually footage of how they say hello to each other at holidays. It's just a cool lady. She's got great tits.
First of all, what's a Therion? I think these are like the mass cosplay nerds. This is what dorks are doing. Yeah, cosplay. Therion, furry. This is furry culture. Okay. And then quadronics. I'm not sure what a quadronic is. Oh, maybe you're getting on all fours, Claude, doing that dorky shit these nerds do on TikTok. Okay. I don't know when it, these fucking nerds, man.
They need to go back to being ashamed of themselves.
Well, it's upsetting now that Ikea is embracing their stupidity.
That's what I think, too, but this nerd sees it as a cultural validation.
I bet she could take them out.
There's just a lane of people that are proud of their STIs and they don't want to be shamed.
What does that mean?
Yo, I didn't even know you light it like crack.
How do you take it? It's like a pipe?
Oh my God, dude. Like opium or fucking crack?
What does the DMT look like? Is it sticky like opium?
Dude, you smoked rocks, bro.
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What? What is DM?
Okay, so it's sprinkled in with pot so that you get – see, the pot alone would make me crazy. Can you do it purely without the pot?
I was too scared to touch it.
You were like, do you want to go into the forest with this guy I met?
Dude, do you? I was like, no.
Yeah.
Wait, his name is Sage.
But you need it. You're not going to want it, but you need it.
You're not telling me.
A caterpillar.
Like Alice in Wonderland.
That's tight.
Your ego is just gone. Okay, I wrote a letter to... Oh, my God.
To Mr. Tom Segura, first time embarrassed and ashamed of my actions the other day when you nearly choked to death on the show. In the moment, I unwisely believed that I was laughing at Christina's reaction to your convulsion, but I see now that that may be interpreted as me laughing at you, and I should have known better.
You know, while cartel videos are something to laugh at, my boss choking definitely is not, especially with all you've been through with Invisalign this year.
And, you know, many people don't know the risks associated with Invisalign, so I did some research to educate myself. Some of those include tooth decay, allergic reactions, and gum disease, which can lead to life-threatening situations.
So all this is to say that I feel, you know, dumber than a Chris and I will certainly learn from my mistakes. And, you know, I appreciate you letting me back in the booth and thank you for your service.
It's pretty gay. I would kind of wonder what women think about it. I think it's gay. Is he doing it for women? What are their thoughts?
No thanks, Tom Hanks.
Listen, you know how tight I am about my sphincter. You don't want to start toying with that. It's not replaceable, guys. You only get one of them. They don't do colon transplants. You fucked.
Well, he is truly lost. Let's put it in his perspective. He lost his pleasure zone and his way to make a living.
So it is a financial as well as physical and spiritual hardship.
That's what you're embarrassed about? The shaving?
It was a really good one.
What kind of guys? Were they bears, other bears or cubs or twinks?
Yeah, that one's been in my head for a decade.
Yeah, now he knows how ladies feel. Well, he looks very fat. He's so fat there. Oh, wow. You know what he looks like? He's about pregnant. Remember when I had to wear that support belt?
Yeah, the harness.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. He's wearing a captain's hat, too.
Oh.
Hey, first of all, happy Smurf Day.
See it?
He is so brave, I'll tell you.
I love Bert's fun. By the way, I'm a little mad at you still because this morning I woke up and I was fucking so furious at you, dude, because I had this dream about you.
i speaking of like leather daddy so here's the dream i dreamt that you and i start to say it again i what i you what i woke up furious with you because i i dreamt that you did something terrible did you want to hear what you fucking did yeah i was so mad at you i really wanted to fucking just kill you in your sleep i was so fucking pissed i really was okay go on
It's your Smurf Day.
I don't know if you noticed, I was a little extra loud this morning when I was making my coffee. I was like, fucking wake him up. I don't give a shit. Any hoodles? I dreamt that you basically got into some really weird, kinky, sexual things. But absurd, like the kind of shit that we cover. Guys in like plastic masks.
The latex guys. And then you were really in the dream into... Like you would suck cum out of a butthole with a straw. And I was like, babe, I can't do this. And Charlize Theron was there with all these other... I love her too. Which is like conflicted for me. It was conflicting because I really like her in real life, you know? And she was like, yeah, all the celebrities...
I know. You look every day a bit older.
come to this club and we all sign NDAs and you can come here and do whatever you want. And I turned to you and I go, great, I'm divorcing you. I'm taking all your money and I'm taking your kids. Enjoy your fucking life, Tom. And I was super mad. Are you listening to me? So selfish.
Because you didn't come after me and you were like stoked that now you get to have this new fucking sexual deviant lifestyle. With Charlize. You gave it all up. Yeah. You gave up your family so that you could felch.
I was so mad at you. Yeah.
Guys just leave their families.
I think you're really coming into your middle-aged dadness. I think this is a good year for you. It's spectacular. Last year crushed for you. It's going to be even better.
To do sexual stuff.
Yeah, like people peeing on each other. It was like sick looking people. Like when I had my colonoscopy the other day, we were in the waiting room and there were like these two gay guys and they looked really fucking ill. They looked ill, yeah. Like a lot of people getting colonoscopies don't look good. Yeah. You know? Yeah, they were like sick looking gay dudes. Anyway, I'm fucking so pissed.
I hate you so much. It took me like all morning to come down from that. I hate that one. Come for me. Shut up. No woman. Shut up.
Ew.
I would go to that club.
Okay.
That's nothing burger. Honestly, if you were like, I want you to pee on me, I'd be like, yeah, who cares? That, to me, is a big... I didn't say I want to pee on me.
You could pee on me. That's a big nothing burger.
That's easy to do too.
It's my Botox. I got too much Botox. I can't.
No, I don't want to do that. Like in your shows.
Please, sir.
Don't make me hurt your dog. from don't you yeah you know where that's from oh like you don't know that movie by heart don't let me make me hurt you okay good come on mister her legs broken she's hurting real bad don't make me hurt your dog come on you love this guy oh oh It places the lotion in the basket.
Even better.
Yeah.
Oh, by the way, I mean, guys leave their families all the time for sexual things. Yeah. Just for sex. It's crazy to me.
But sometimes chicks do too, very rarely.
Those chicks are cool, though.
I'm a fist pig, Tom.
I'm a hardcore fist pig.
He does like the tall brunettes.
I think she understands that he's just hustling. He's a worker, and he's doing work.
Yeah, it's a Speedo. He's at TonyMichaelJohns96. It's a great handle.
Oh, Cougar? How lucky. He signed it and everything. So I have a feeling if you're nice to Tony and you request it, he'll sign it.
Thank you.
But you've always, people have always assumed you were older than you are.
Excellent.
Well, I'm so proud of your hustle, Tony. I love that you're printing out these photos. They're lovely. They're very high quality, and you sign them for the fans.
What is that attributed to? Facial hair? Body hair?
At 15? That's when it started?
So if somebody wants to wish somebody else happy birthday or good luck, you can have Tony Johns do it on Cameo.
Oh, yes. How you been, though, Christina? I'm good. Thanks for asking, sweetie. Again, I'm so proud of you and your hustle here. printing these photos of yourself. And I think your future is very bright. You just stay out of trouble, though, okay? Yes, ma'am. Yeah, I can't get arrested anymore. No, don't get arrested.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
Bye. I think a cameo with Tony Jones would be amazing.
That's a great way for him to make some scratch. A lot easier than OnlyFans, too, even.
Yeah, to take your peener out. You can make those anywhere in public.
So guys, get your cameos. Order the photos, I think.
Anyway, I wanted to plug Mother's Day is just around the corner. What better gift to get her than Christina P lipstick? Go to ChristinaP.com. I suggest just getting all four in one pop. Order it now so that you make sure to get it by Mother's Day. Celebrate your mom.
I am wearing the perfect red right now, and it really is the power factor.
Yeah. Annie's like, yo. Now, what are you feeling when you watch that?
Right.
He admits that it's, I think the problem with this is that they're trying to convince you that A, if you're not into trans men, women, whatever, you're homophobic. Yeah. Or transphobic. Transphobic, sorry, yes, transphobic. And that you should, this should be presented a certain way. It's like, no, maybe not.
Thankfully for women, they don't guess your age. I don't want to know. You don't need to guess. I'll just tell you.
You can fuck whatever you want.
I don't have to be convinced that you're straight or whatever. I don't care.
It doesn't matter. Yeah, no one cares.
Correct.
Sure, with a dong. It's a dick.
It's not a deal-breaker situation.
You want the kids to have me around?
We have children, yeah. And we just do butt sex. But do we stop having sex entirely?
That's the end of it.
You can be a fist pig.
Well, if you woke up with a vag, that would be a problem for me too.
Your vag would be so unruly.
Very cutie.
It's so weird, especially if you're a person that's in the public arena like Wikipedia knows all.
He really took him up on it.
Dang. He doesn't look gay at all. Right? Would you have guessed that he was down for dudes?
Like dads.
That no one's told these dads that they're attractive.
And it's like the daddest of the dads that he usually approaches.
He's like, I'm a straight up fucking.
He followed him and then he starts following him.
Yeah, because he's like, I'm all fucking fired up, bro. What's up?
Fuck, dude, I know.
I know he's got his Christmas cards in there and everything.
Hey, Tom.
So that means like on the weekends when we're all hanging out, I'm nude. If your mother comes over, your sister, you're just like, she's nude. What am I going to do?
But what if I was, okay, so what if I'm a nudist and then I also decided to free bleed on my period?
But I'm a nudist. Would this be a deal breaker for you?
You know what's crazy, too? I knew this Hungarian mom growing up who wouldn't let her daughter call her mom. The daughter had to call her by her first name.
They get used to it. Your mom and your sister are totally used to it. I'm a woman. They don't care.
I wish you would become a nudist. How funny would that be? Me? If you had people over for dinner.
And you're like, that's funny. Could you put a towel down before you sit on the furniture, please?
That is the weird thing about nudists is that they just live their life without clothing. So they're not in a state of arousal. They're not in a state of doing anything.
That's so gross.
I was like, are you kidding my body to like, no, not all the scarring and the, you know, injuries people you get over the years.
What if I, hold on, I'm not done playing the game with you.
So nudist, yay or nay? I want you to really take it seriously.
But you'd stay with me.
problem yeah it's annoying it's super it's super annoying but it's not a deal breaker is what you're saying social life would be really affected keep going very affected what's your next one okay what if i become a super environmentalist where it's to the point where like hey we have dinner plans tonight we're gonna drive over to our friend's house they live 10 minutes away and i say shit like babe you know how i feel about wasting fossil fuels in the car
Because she didn't want to be.
You drive. I'm going to bicycle there. It's going to take about an hour. I'll meet you there and then I'll bicycle home. If we have to record the podcast, it's going to take me like two hours to bike here. No.
Mom. She didn't want to be aged.
Why don't you use the family rag?
yeah no those are grounds for those are grounds for dismissal i think separation at least yeah wow and like i don't hound you about your choices but i'm constantly going through the trash separating out the plastics and the compost this is not appealing this is not is that the worst i mean someone like who's like that i can barely spend five minutes with so i can't imagine living with them so you can do that shit somewhere else
We buy the house next door. I think Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did that at one point. They just had houses next door to each other and they would co-parent.
They're both absolutely probably insane. Well, we could do that. Okay.
Too flexing.
gonna fuck with her anyway we were just dancing relax but you're gonna make it a fucking thing and what'd you do you end up going home with it hell yeah i fucking do hell yeah hold on that was a long time ago you're not afraid that that guy's gonna find you and get into fights and do what fight you fight you oh be like kill you come with a gun to your fucking house do it wow yeah yeah um this is uh what's his handle shit yeah
Oh, my God. God damn it.
Is that true, Annie?
Oh, shit. We found the first one.
I see what you're saying. Cause this guy reminds me, this guy shares my father's philosophies in many ways.
Yeah. I think it is. You and I have the same dad. We might be related. Yeah.
But this is exactly my father. What you're saying about like, oh, come on, man. I called you, didn't I? Like, didn't I fucking show up last weekend? Didn't we talk this week? I think he's on to something. What more do you want? Like in my dad's mind, just showing up is a big deal or like calling a bitch back is a big deal. Like you're lucky I even graced you with my presence.
But then on the other hand.
Yeah, same. A thousand, yeah.
Yeah. And then I don't know if your dad does this, but does he get really flattered when they start to get crazy and obsessive? Because he'll fuck with these women enough that they'll start going crazy. Oh, for sure. But he's kind of like, she's so into me. Oh, my God.
He loves it. Yeah.
no he didn't say that my dad would be like oh my god can you believe how much she's so into me oh god like please get off my dick yeah it's so annoying she showed up in the night and she had the knife in her hands yeah Or like if a woman would threaten suicide over him, he's very secretly flattered by it. Like, can you believe that? She's going to kill herself for me. That is so sad.
It's not sad. I hope she doesn't.
That's exactly the thinking. That's exactly the thinking. Because the broken bitches that this guy is going to attract are totally on that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man. Finally, dude.
Kimberly, we've been DMing. Listen, here's the deal, man.
Who?
Oh, for sure. This is a type of girl.
Of course. And so was Tiffany in my high school. There was a girl named Tiffany who could rip. Yeah, I know. It's weird. Tiffany with a K. You give her a Dr. Pepper and she could burp the alphabet. There's just a special girl. And one every thousand million that is this. And Kimberly, we've been DMing. I love her so much. This is such a talent. She went on America's Got Talent.
And was like, I'm going to sing a Lady Gaga song. And then she starts singing. She's like, oh my God, excuse me. And then she started ripping and ripping and ripping. It's really funny. She's very funny. I love you, Kimberly. I asked her to do some videos, but then we lost touch because I went to England.
Hero. Oh, you know.
She's stunning. She's talented. What can't she do?
She's out there being herself. I love it. Oh, Kimberly.
You know, all these women out there are like, I'm myself. I'm just a hair of slaying and being myself. But Kimberly's really doing it.
You know what I'm saying?
Manuel.
Yeah, and they're not. They're just pretending to be like the hot girl. Kimberly 100% is herself. I love it. That's my kind of gal. Remember? Oh, my God. We played that. The pelt that you can make your golden retriever into a pelt. This person stuffed... Their chihuahua, it's been on their fireplace mantel since 2010.
It's all creepy sleeping.
Why not?
Can I know exactly what happened to her?
Yeah, it's the same thing my mom would do. Like, foreigners mess up these sayings.
Got it. Got it.
Yeah, it's because he bites them. Oh, it was hard to laugh.
I don't like that clip, like that image of it dangling, that he's nibbled it and it's dangling, it's going to go in the jar.
So she probably wanted to say, I'm only 21. And then she said, 21 in the burning. Because she thought it was funny in her mind. It's not an age reference. You know what I'm saying?
Wait, is that a deal-breaker if I start keeping... Fuck yes.
You know, in Indian culture, it's bad. I can't even look at this. You should not keep your nail clippings. My Indian stepdad used to burn his in the fireplace. Why? It's just believed it's bad luck to leave parts of your body laying around. It's like bad spirits will take it or something. I'm really going to get sick. You don't want to do that. You don't want to do that. That's so good.
Yeah.
Well, I am. I think there's Marmite on there or Vegemite.
Oh, no, it's just butter. Okay.
Yeah, this guy's fucking ripped, dude.
Yeah, he is.
Yeah.
For sure. Yeah. This guy's perfect.
For what, my kids?
Hey, by the way, our sons found nunchucks at the toy store. And I was like, this is... That's the beginning of the end. I go, listen, if this hits my head or one of your heads or the cat's head, anybody's fucking head, I'm taking them away. So far, so good.
No, of course. Foreigners, but that...
Still, you can still fuck each other because they're swinging them over their heads and it's going to go down. They're going to fuck up our house with this fucking nine-shot.
So jacked.
She should cry now. That's bad. She definitely shouldn't have touched the hair. They shouldn't have touched the hair. That's a bad choice. Look how disappointed they are.
What do you think is the story?
I don't know, but definitely they made a bad choice with this haircut.
Maybe.
No, that's not it.
But they don't, you know, they think it sounds like something.
What is this? Autumn. Just wait. That's Jasper.
Jasper the cat. That's Chloe, the dog. Okay. That's Tikani. Tikani.
Pekingese.
But here's the problem. I'm still not sure what gender they were at the end of that haircut. That's why I keep saying they I don't know what we were affirming. I honestly do you know what they were trying to go for?
Yeah.
They look like masculine women. I don't know.
Just keep going with it, man.
It's just nice animals.
But what is he saying, most importantly?
That's so stupid.
Sad. I don't like his whispering. Now I'm smelling her underwear. So the other wife, the woman left him. And now all he has is the panties.
It's romantic, Tom. Do you do this when I leave?
Would you do this?
Why don't you ever get into my dirty pants?
I don't know. I wish you would. Right? Strike.
Boom. That's the Tappy Tappy. You didn't know the Tappy Tappy?
Of course it is.
Oh, I know. Yeah. He looks like a bottle of Tabasco.
Do you want to see the animals again?
Fuck off.
I hate you, fist pig.
You already think she's ancient because you were seven.
So it doesn't matter to a kid.
Yeah, I am. You have no scale. You're so old. You have no scale for that. Yeah. Well, happy Smurf Day.
We're going to celebrate you tonight. We're just going to have dinner at the house, I think.
No, they're going to come over, of course. I haven't bought you anything. That's fine. Because what do you buy the guy that has everything?
Oh, stop with this.
Can I tell you what you've done with every gift that I've ever given you ever? Here, hand this lipstick to me. Pretend like I'm you. I'm you and it's your birthday.
Oh, thanks.
That's what you do every time. Thanks. Put it away. I swear to God. And then I'll never see it again.
You don't care about getting gifts. You're a gift giver.
I know what you want.
Blow me up, Tom.
I get it. I get that.
You are so old. You should get a facelift this year. Adjust your lower lefts. Get those done.
Do we know why he lost his love of life?
Yeah, it's an existential crisis.
Right. And mind you, he's no spring chicken. He's well into his 30s. I'd venture almost 40.
And he's been doing nothing.
Oh, you don't want that.
We got to get into the show.
Oh, this is so cool. There's got to be other gentlemen out there that have lost.
Thank God. What is life without fisting your own asshole?
Oh my gosh, and I tell you, the best part is you go on their website, you take their quiz, and dependent upon how you sleep, are you a side sleeper?
Do you sleep on your back? Do you like soft, hard, whatever?
Oh, it's fantastic.
Fist pigs.
Fist pick. That's fantastic.
It's a very specific niche brand.
It's working for him. But do you think porno stars like the women out there are like, my pussy's so battered? No, because your pussy's meant for it.
Please.
How you say?
I forget how do you say. My first language.
How you say in English?
Oi, anyone know something? Go on to the UK soon.
It's your birthday.
It's your birthday. Happy birthday.
Yes, he is, and I'm not looking.
I know.
No.
I know.
He's like, yes, sir. He's like, for fuck's sake. Yeah.
That was terrifying. Let's watch it again.
I don't like you. You know what? Let's watch it again. I just got inspired from your artwork. No!
I don't want to listen to it.
He's doing a gag.
Can you even curl your lip under?
You think that's really what it looks like?
That is his lip, I guess.
I hope your lip looks like that.
You have foot in your teeth, a big black thing, and I'm not going to tell you where.
That's not it.
That one looks better.
Who did it, yeah.
I'm nuts.
That's true, Tom. Good point.
Jesus.
It's been out for a week or two.
It does, and especially he has such a sense of entitlement. If you would look at his body and his looks, and he's considered a sex symbol in France and has been since the 90s. Yeah. And it's appalling that he's considered a sex symbol, firstly. And secondly, the good news is he's 76 now. He's always looked 76. By the way. He's grown into his age.
And he's nude in films. That's how we got wind of this guy, is that he's nude like that in films, and he's the sex symbol.
Even when he was with, what's her name in that movie, Green Card, is what broke him in America. He wasn't that cute then.
And also, I like the suspenders with the pants to really accentuate the bulge of the stomach.
Same theme.
And if he didn't have facial hair, we could see more of that face.
I mean.
Of course. He's French, babe. They don't give a rip.
They don't fucking care.
But usually, don't the French fat shame? I think they're very big on being thin.
So I'm shocked.
Oh, because he's a big wino.
Yeah, he's a big drunkie.
That's a little entitlement. Okay, if he's sober, that's a lot of entitlement there. Of course.
Well, because how many calories is a bottle?
It's like drinking like three milkshakes, right?
How many calories? It's got to be.
That would put me in the hospital so bad.
I guess Netflix has a hit on their hands and they wanted to make another.
You know how sick you would feel?
And that's before eating food.
Yeah. So if he gets a pizza or a 10... Look at his hooshie. Oh my God, dude.
It looks so good, though.
He looks good.
Oh, I'm dying.
Well, you start with champagne.
Pastits.
We didn't even know about the hard liquor.
It says a dip our day. What a piece of shit.
Doesn't that bother you? It bothers me as somebody that grew up with limited means and then now we have means. It's like if you are blessed enough in this world to have health, money, and this guy's case, fame, looks, maybe when he was younger, and to piss it away every single day, fuck you. No, I know. Fuck you and fuck your mother.
Yeah, so kill yourself and stop pissing on planes. God.
Wowzers.
He drank the whole time. Did Bert drink while he was doing the 5K?
Yes.
Alcohol the whole time?
That's so good. But he looks amazing. Yeah, that's different. He can do that.
Yeah, he seems fine.
How long do you think Burt is going to keep his shirt off? Is this going to be a career-long, lifelong thing? Do you think he's going to do this in his 70s?
Is he doing like late night circuit shirtless as well?
Yeah. Husha. There's actually, I learned a new word, but it's, I forget now. Hushik. Hushik? Husha is a stomach. Hushi is meat. And I've created that word hushi that you say.
It's as meats is what I'm saying.
Like a hushi bear. It's not a real word.
a big pig okay
A Southern gay?
It's too normal, and I'm waiting for the turn.
Yeah, I think I sent this one. Oh, shit. God, this is so troubling, right?
Well, I wanted to show Annie. It was specifically for Annie. Oh, hey, what's up, Annie?
Exactly. That's what I wanted to show you.
So fun. I have to also give a shout out both to your credit and to Rob Eiler. Rob Eiler went into acting retirement for 20 years. And this project brought Rob Eiler out of retirement.
So I think it's a big white lady, and then I'm not sure what the other person.
It's Nigeria.
Remember that one we watched where she went to Nigeria, and his friends were clowning her in the airport?
They were like, she's so fat, brother. She's too fat.
Even he was like, you are so much bigger.
So fat. I think I read some, or no, I wouldn't even read. It was just a TikTok video of what's most important to men is definitely that their wife stays in decent shape and stays trim. Because I do think it is mucho depressing when you marry somebody who looks gorgeous
It's hard.
Yeah. I mean, we all know those couples. And you're just like, you know that a she's not happy. He's not happy. No, it's not happy. Nobody's happy there. Except for those two. What do you think, Annie? They look thrilled.
It's cock thoughts all day, every day.
Yeah, that's all he wants is dick stuff.
Pretty amazing.
I mean, this is just a stranger. This is a conversation between two strangers.
Of course. But women put the brakes on it.
Because we're like, what are you talking? I don't even know you, dude.
Well, and the women that would be open to that.
They're not the marrying.
He's so talented. And also, I mean, am I allowed to spoiler alert a little bit about there's a Steven Seagal thing?
It's like that Australian girl that's like banging thousands of people.
She's like, I can't wait to be stretched out today. I can't wait to be put in a hospital. I'm like, ugh, so nasty. I don't even want to say her name.
So gross, man.
Wait, what part don't you like? They're just talking.
This is unreal. I know. You got to be gay. I think you need to be gay.
Well, with all your cock thoughts and your dreams and your wishes and your hopes.
So I was on just like TikTok scrolling today and Steven Seagal was there. Yeah. And it was a replica of what you were making fun of him as.
Yeah. Yeah. Mine's just a gross couple friendship.
Don't you have a folder of cool stuff?
You don't show any what's in the folder.
Oh, this is.
Here's my question. I wish we had a gay here. Is that they're so indiscriminate, these gentlemen. Are they attracted to each other or does it even matter? Do you know what I mean, Tom?
Does it even matter that they both find each other attractive or is it just I'll come anywhere, anytime with whoever? You answer. You're familiar with this community.
This is for gays watching and listening. I'm sure there's a couple, just two of you.
Does it matter if you're even attracted to the guy talking to you? Is it just about coming?
Oh, got it. They could be pigs if you really, really want it.
Wow. See, women, we're not like that. Not built like that.
This guy looks awesome.
I like this guy. I like them black and gay because I know that upsets anyone more when it's his tribe.
It's half tribe, meaning the black side.
Guys, buy my lipsticks. ChristinaP.com. Get all the flavors, all four colors. It's the perfect for right now. ChristinaP.com. Thank you to everybody that bought my lipsticks for Mother's Day. I hope your lady enjoyed them. I love making them. I'm wearing the perfect red right now.
I wore the perfect red to your premiere.
No, I don't like this.
I'm not into this gay shit.
How'd that make you feel?
And Spookily is dressed like the same way that you dressed like him in this show.
That's not even a setup. It's like, why even have this stuff in gay movies? Just fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
It's so sweet. They're so in love.
They're so in love.
Say good morning, yeah.
Look how cute they are.
Tom, why don't you? Tom doesn't even nibble me like those two gay gents. You don't nibble me like that.
Oh, I like this one, yeah.
I love these. You can show me these all day.
Yeah, he's been starving in the desert.
I don't want to go down this route. This is fine for me to never explore. Thank you.
That was moose soup for sure.
I don't want any part of that.
I understood it. She made it very clear. What is wrong with you? I have sons. I don't want to think about this.
Well, it's cool that she's super turned on.
Bye-bye. Well, it's not even like if this woman is a sex worker and she's like, and then I had to do what I had to do. She's like, I loved it. I'm like, oof.
You belong with these people.
Oh, my God.
So, as predicted, by the way, she's been, you know, annoying for a long time because she's on The Voice, I think, as a judge. And she went to space and everybody was like, why didn't we just leave her in space? Because she's insufferable. Well, she's touring now. What she is passing off as dance moves is pathetic.
You're supposed to do this stuff.
But if you're going to do a show like she's doing on this scale... Big shows. It should be tight. Watch her moves. She's not even moving her legs. Just her arm.
Yeah. It really... He looks like the parody of himself.
What is happening? This is what my five-year-old, six-year-old does when he comes home from kindergarten. They're cheering for this? Well, their fans are dumber than she is. Oh, my God.
Oh, and the backup dancer is just as lazy. Look, he's doing the same shit.
Even I could do better than that, and I'm no dancer.
I put energy into it.
I don't know, and her hair looks stupid.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah. She doesn't even move her leg. Her legs are locked. And she's just moving her arms, yeah. Yeah. Was that guy, was it Frankie Valli? We were making fun of him because he's 90. He's got more energy in his performance.
How do you go from being, I mean, he was really like a hot shit thing.
It's literally the joke.
He did. What an amazing thing to overcome.
So what a good friend you are.
Thanks.
Well, can I tell you why? So I've never seen a Broadway show because I am a hayseed. I'm very uncultured. I'm from Los Angeles. We don't do those things. And we're in New York, Jewdork Titties.
my agent Andrew Russell says you have to go see Mike Birbiglia's show The Old Man in the Pool right am I saying the title right because it's been a while yeah and so Chase O'Donnell and I go to see him and the day and I'm like oh this is just gonna be I just I just hate this kind of stuff I'm not artistic and you know Mike Birbiglia is so smart and he doesn't curse and he's not a derelict like me and anyway I got I'm gonna cry because it your show was so thoughtful oh my god I am gonna cry
And the topic was so hard to do in such a funny and thoughtful way. And I don't want to give away the ending, but what you do at the very end of that show has stuck with me for years. And now here's the crazy thing. So I see your show and then a year later I'm dealing with breast cancer. And I just remember your show and about that moment at the end, which I won't give away. And I was like, wow.
And that's, it just carries with me because when you realize how finite this all is and how fragile life is and you start to really go for things that you normally wouldn't and you don't give a shit what people think about you as much and you just go for it. And anyway, I want to thank you and you should all see it because he's fantastic. Even though I know you're not running it anymore.
I'm sure it's on Netflix though. Oh, we'll fucking watch that too.
Okay, so tell me about the new one.
He's brilliant.
Oh, really? Well, yeah. Let's watch it tonight.
Tom, I think you nailed it.
I just got the chills. Well, because that happened to us where you just get a phone call one day. Oh, my God, I'm going to cry again. And there's like, you just get a phone call.
One day you think you're just living your life. And then it turns out you're going to just fight for your life. And you're like, but I was just on the ship that was doing. What are you talking about? I'm fine. No, no, no. You're going to be fighting for your life. And then you win. And you're like, oh, my God, what do I do now? Hopefully I get another 20 years or whatever.
If you're lucky, you just don't fucking know. Yeah.
And you got the beard, the hair.
And the caption I saw was like, the Aikido champion.
Just repeat that. There are people who may not be familiar. So just repeat what you just said. Cause it's wild.
The words are so comedic.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I'm awfully happy for you. I'm proud of your genes.
So wait, how do they prevent you from doing this now? Do they strap you to bed every night?
It's been fun watching you have fun. Do it. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's going to be really good.
I never got booked at all.
I'm excited and amazed.
And remember you'd have to write like six checks, NACA West, NACA South.
Is that just me? Am I the idiot that got duped into writing six checks?
We did the premiere in LA and Austin.
Yeah.
How did you get to Broadway with it? How did you go from like, I'm a stand-up comedian to I'm going to break into this world that's so, at least to someone who grew up in Los Angeles, so foreign?
Because they seem very... Some of them are into it.
Nathan... How did you get to know Nathan Lane?
We partied. It was a good time.
You danced for like one song.
I can't tell when you're having fun.
No.
Having fun.
Tom, your show's out today.
But what a difference, too, in performing, because as stand-ups, like Tom and I are more club comedy people, I guess our origins, like you were doing college as we were doing clubs. And the difference with Broadway... I've seen clubs do that.
I'm just fucking with you. But what stands out to me, I think I'm projecting because I'm more of a dirtbag, I like that environment, is people actually listen when you're doing a Broadway show and they're not incoherently drunk or vomiting and it's a different dynamic entirely.
You're not contending with any of it?
You seem happy today, though.
Your skin looks good.
Oh, my God.
The Cleveland Improv?
Yo, and they'd send me there, a little white girl, just trying to live. And I remember, like, prostitutes and johns getting thrown out.
I remember one time I had a club owner. I was touring with another female comic. Instead of offering payment, offered us his ex-wife's fur jacket.
So that was kind of neat. There was no gun. Oh, my God.
Of course. I was like, money, dummy. Oh, my God.
I'm going to write down the name of this club.
Hold on. I know what I know. Do you know? I don't know. Is it this?
I think I remember this happening. This is around when we got married, yeah.
Before you have a good agent, yeah.
Anything.
Because you're so desperate to get good at this thing. But that's why you're entitled to make the money when you finally do break through. It's like, this was 15 years of La Quinta Inn.
Yeah, dude. Give me the money.
When I signed with Andrew Russell, I go, all right, I got a few conditions. Number one, I don't share a room with the other female act. And book me a hotel that has indoor-facing doors.
And he goes, Jesus Christ, what happened to you? Right. Because, yeah, it's just torture. They're like, why aren't there more women in stand-up comedy? Well, because you go through this. You have to be so severely damaged as a woman to put yourself in this world.
Or, well, what's worse, that or the comedy condo?
but it's covered in jizz.
And how many people have keys to that place?
Oh, I hate that.
Remember, he's dead now. I don't know if he's resting in peace. Glacier? Yes. Who, who? Craig Glacier.
I can say stuff about him now.
Okay, so Craig Glazier wrote a book about himself. He was such a criminal. He would pick me up for morning radio in tearaway sweatpants.
Kansas City.
Stanford in science.
Yes, the Glazier brothers.
Let's make sure before we continue with the story.
Yeah, bro. He's fucking dead, right? Yeah, he's dead as of 2018. But his brother, I don't know if that guy's still alive. Anyway, Glazier was a super cool dude. Okay, Jack's dead too. He'd pick you up from morning radio at 5.30, 6 a.m. to promote Stanford and Sons. Not to be confused with Sanford and Sons, the TV show in Kansas City. And then he'd come in and he'd be like, you preparing stories?
And I was like, I guess, yeah. And then he'd sit in on your radio so that he was on a mic too and participate.
He's good. And then you get in the car with him and they go, What do you think your grade was for radio?
I'm going to give you a grade, Christine. What's your grade? Oh, jeez. And I'm like, I don't know. Pre-A plus, pre-grade. He's like, B plus, maybe B minus.
Real mean.
Well, because you're not moving tickets from local.
There's a few like Pittsburgh.
Yeah.
It's giving me anxiety just talking about it. Or they would get mad at me because I wouldn't show up all dolled up. Like, you guys didn't show up dolled up, right?
It was six in the morning and I just... I wouldn't wear pajamas.
But I wear like... I just flew in the night before. I just... Normal. And they're like, way to dress up, Christine.
You are so horned up. I got to tell you. Yeah. What's going on? It should be called bad thoughts. It should be called cock thoughts. Because everything out of your brain is just dick, dick.
And I'm like, I don't care. No one can see me.
No one can see this, dummy. Why are you bringing it up?
See, I think coming up in L.A. is different because, you know what I mean? Like, you're going to see all the heavy hitters at the comedy store every week. Yeah, New York, too. If you're going to bite some guy's act, some big, everyone's going to know immediately.
You can't do that.
No. You all right? I'm fine.
That's probably why you guys are funny.
See you later. Well, my dad at first was like, you are an embarrassment to the family. You are not funny. You are vulgar.
Yeah, he tells me what a piece of shit I am. And then he started bringing his dates. He's like Hungarian, right? Yeah, both my parents were Eastern European. And then he would bring his fucking hoes to my shows. Like if I was doing like a club in a good city. To impress them.
And then I became like dinner night entertainment. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, you don't get to do this. Remember, I'm a piece of shit. I'm not funny. And then he got mad at me because I wouldn't let him.
What's your mom like?
I didn't even get to hear about that.
You said you had a bad thoughts story.
He looks so happy. What'd you say to him? Oh.
I love him. I mean, I've already, I know this guy. He's hot.
Why can't you do a nice show like this one?
Oh, that's great.
What a unique... Isn't that amazing? So we just got like the depths of horror of comedy and then how random that you get to meet the Pope doing... Because you're a comedian. No, it's so strange. Yeah, there's so many great things to it as well.
Well, spend some time in Texas. You'll learn about it.
No. I was like, he does control the weather.
Okay, here's what I started doing. Here's what I started doing. I make it fun for them, okay? You weren't there, but I gave you the recap of this the other night. The two boys are at dinner, and I like to drill them on very important things. For instance, I'll just do like a pop quiz. Hey, what kind of woman are you going to marry? Someone who's nice, not just pretty.
Somebody who treats me the way mommy treats daddy. Great. Next. Hey, what if some kid says we should ditch school and go smoke some pot at my house? What do you say? Fuck no. And he can say fuck and no and he gets excited and then I drill him. Hey, let's get drunk and drive in the car. Hell no, mom. Right? I did that the other day. If you make it like fun.
Smoking is for losers, right?
Well, they're nerds and losers. And they're stupid because I know it's the law. It's fine. But you should not ride your bicycle in traffic. And I know that's the way of the land. I just think it's not very safe. I don't want my children to do it.
And I want them riding motorcycles. Motorcycles are for idiots, too. I put the seeds in very early.
You have a girl, though, right?
I grew up in a concrete jungle. I'm fine. Boys need to pick up snakes.
No, I was born in Canada, and then we moved to L.A. when I was, like, four.
But boys need to pick up snakes and throw them. Oh, boys need snakes? Okay, great. They need to put holes in things.
Does your girl wrestle you? Was she active like that? No, she doesn't wrestle.
you're not good at ballet like you're great at ballet it's just we're crying because we're emotional sure about everything yeah we think that our kids give a rip that we're in show business could not care less yeah every time i talk to her about it she's like i don't really care i don't want to talk about it the only thing my kids were remotely interested in was when i did is it cake an episode of is it cake so get on is it cake no no if i got on is it cake
No, man, I jockeyed. The minute I saw it. That was great.
Fucking pull me up on Izzet Cake. Oh, I was amazing. No, I mean, did I guess correctly? No. Did I look great? Yes.
I brought Tupperware. And you were funny. I had a good time. Yeah. No, I'll tell you why. It is very difficult. Here's why. I don't know if I'm allowed to tell. No, I can tell this. So, you know when they flip the thing and the thing rotates?
Real cake jiggles when it stops. So that's why they have you turn your back so that the cakes settle.
So you turn around. Otherwise, you could tell straight away, but it's at a distance, too, so you can't tell sometimes, but no.
Was I your agent? Or do you know T. Swift?
And then we took her to the concert.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Well, she's very talented.
I heard she has to train really hard and stuff.
And you know what's so funny? I pretend like I'm all goth and cool, which I am. But then I'll be like... I'd be like, Taylor Swift fucking sucks. Wait, except for this one song. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, damn. And then you find yourself singing.
Was there an Asian lady injecting them?
They're good looking people.
I don't want any of that. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to go to a facility. I do want to buy a house maybe for comedians and we can just hire a staff.
Yeah, a comedy condo. The last comedy condo.
that's what we call it the last comedy condo and if you've been a comedian and you can come there and we'll all convalesce and like die together and how much fun this is the best idea I've heard in years thank you because you'd have you've had a few laughs and you go back to your room and then it would be like sitting at the table except you live there yeah and drugs it has drugs so many drugs prostitution we're joking about it but it's legitimately like a solid idea thank you
No, I don't have family.
Yeah. That's kind of, I don't have family like you and the kids. I don't want to burden my children. No, of course not. And you're going to hopefully die before me.
Oh my God. We'll see.
I know. Fucking... Yeah. I know. I kind of... Really? I only had cancer early. I know, but... Tick cancer, though, not in my organs.
Oh, my God. You know what I mean?
Can I tell you something? I tried this with my dad.
When I was 28, we went to the Dominican Republic together. Yeah. Last vacation he and I took together alone.
And I tried it. And I was like, Dad, do you think that your traumatic upbringing in communist Hungary may have affected you emotionally? I can see where this is going. And he was like, no. No.
but that's a great no but you guys come sometimes you were there last month yes yes yes Madison Square Garden but like it's you guys should both come on and we should talk about bits because you should definitely do that that's fucking hilarious no self-awareness no self-awareness like but do you one has to be capable of self-reflection yeah not everybody is
That's so special.
Because you're mad at them because they failed to meet your expectations.
Why do my mommy and daddy have to be the way I wanted them to be and they weren't?
What are you going to do?
What are you going to do?
Yeah. She would quiz us at the dinner table. That's a funny hack.
Well, there's one point where I just wanted them to write letters and stuff and I would let them write curse words on menus and stuff just to spell, to start spelling and writing.
Yeah. I wonder where he disposed the fluids that were in question. I'd be really curious to know.
Yeah, whatever.
Maybe he drank some.
Bye, Mommy.
Tommy.
Maybe you got to have some in your mouth.
What kind of experiments could you, like, what's the point?
Just like the gays.
Just like the gays.
What's the, he said to see the use of formaldehyde over time?
That's right. Watch out, ladies.
I'm a side sleeper, so we got lots of padding, nice and soft. And we sleep cool.
On our Helix mattress. It's been fantastic.
That's a deep cut.
slash y m h i mean i don't know he's just having a good time it sounds like it's more of a good time it sounds like it's just somebody having fun at work maybe we should stop breaking their balls so hard you know and also this is a really bad thought but like apropos uh hey tyann is it so bad i mean the person's dead already they must have signed up to be there right
Sharkisha, no. That took the intern webs by storm.
Her body in an explosions test.
Yeah. See, this is why I'm never an organ donor, you know, on your driver's license.
I'm like, I don't want to help anybody.
I don't want to get blown up. I don't want formaldehyde injected into me.
Right. I see. I wear these. I can see clearly, but I don't like them. I look stupid. Yeah. It's the dilemma.
No, like for distance, you know?
But then I look like a fucking, you know, what? Uh-huh.
Yeah. Well, that's really special. What a cool, like, behind-the-scenes story that you got to share with your fans.
How exciting is this? Gerard Depardieu convicted of...
Well, because we've showcased him like, what, 12 years ago? We started the Gerard Depardieu meme. We knew something was up.
Today, bad thoughts is out.
no what the fuck is that no you guys all watch awful things a lot of death yeah i just watched what jennifer did last night what's that it's crazy man it's a little uh asian girl and her uh she called like nine was like my parents they're dead i don't know what to do and then they just slowly discovered it was this bitch the whole time oh my god this psycho yeah yeah yeah hold on
I'll watch that. That shit's fire.
It was just a mistake. It was a misunderstanding. Stop. That happens all the time. I forgive her.
This is.
Auditory? Because acoustic is kind of, it's like something that people say on socials to like, in place of. That's right. Like you're regarded. He's trying to be funny. What's up, Tom? He's trying to be funny.
For sure. Yeah. Yeah, I was noticing just because of the framing. Like, look at the Shawnee's framing in every photo. Like, uh-uh. He knows what he's doing. Look at that. He knows.
Do you guys want to know the secret?
Four girls.
She said, think of it more as a conversation. I like that.
Look at his eyes. I guess in my case, hotel room.
Bitch.
O-M-G.
There you go. That's Tom. Yeah, there you go. Can you lift up the glasses a little bit so we can see your full nose? Yeah, and the older you get, turn to the side, please, profile. Yeah, it's just getting more and more longer, elongated Jewish nature.
Bye.
Yeah.
When you have allergies and you're very like, ugh, big celiac disease and like... You can't eat certain things. It irritates your bowels. My bowels are bothering me. I hear that a lot from you, Ira.
You're always talking about money.
What was I going to tell you? Now I've forgotten my train of thought. Yeah, French, kind of, sure. I think it's more your attitude, kind of arrogant like the French. I know you like their arrogance and such.
I'm going to make a portrait. Just give me time, people.
Choking at the same time. Cool.
Thanks. Can I put these back on? I can't see. Yeah, put them back on, Dad.
Again, I think it's that you look like Ari Schaefer, not that the drawing looks like you. Do you guys think that too? Think carefully before you answer, geez.
Are you happy now?
You've terrorized them.
Is this what you want as a celebrity? You want everybody to be afraid of you and just kowtow, cowering in fear. Well, I'm not doing it, Segura. I'm not doing it. I don't care. I'll tell you what. You're going to fire me from your mom's house? Good luck. Good luck. I've got two million people ordering prints that support me here.
What a banger.
Yeah. Amen.
Oh, is this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was the story again? She told you to.
Okay.
What bag was it? Was it big? Was it a duffel?
It's a classic sized carry on. It's an overhead. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what he would say in the copy.
Wow. Vindicated. And may I say something else, Tom? I would like to congratulate you for getting through that entire speech without choking.
And I'm sure the staff appreciates it, too. No, that is sinister. I had no idea. I had no idea. I know. I didn't know. And I always hate that, too, where they're like, you're going to have to check it in.
It's like, dude, why?
No, and also, you're like the first guy on.
Later on. Because you, it stands to reason that you would have enough space to put it. It's insane. Even if it is bigger, but it wasn't. That is so, and those two airlines, by the way, that Senator Hawley is. Oh my God. They're hands down the worst airlines. Yeah, yeah. And I think you guys can, we're not going to say their names, but you can intuitively guess. Yes.
oh yeah you can figure it out you can figure it out it's it is it's so weird how shitty they can be i know it's like that's probably the most dangerous form of travel and the most you know what i mean like they should be i know that's terrible this whole thing just works people up to like this this whole world of like
It is.
And then the holidays are here, and then these poor families are just trying to get across the country to visit grandma.
Yeah. Could you imagine?
You're flying with kids, and they're going to fucking take away your carry-on when you need stuff for the kid in the bag. Yeah. And then they just cancel your flights and they're like, well, guess you're fucked. You're spending the night in Detroit or whatever. That was the worst part of touring for the last 20 years. You would just get stuck in cities.
I would get stuck in airports just overnight. Guess you're sleeping in Hartford. Crazy. What? What? That's it? You're not going to? They wouldn't rebook you automatically on another flight. Remember that shit?
God, they're just such cool.
They got the money.
Oh, they have the money to put you up. Don't you worry about it. By the way, guys, if I were you and you're, I mean, always look up, there's a lot of accounts on TikTok and places to find out hacks. Like if they cancel your flight, you're entitled to whatever voucher. There's always a way. Just look at these fuckers. They're ripping you off. It's just so, it's egregious.
I know, I'm so upset. I fucking hate these.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
You can't even get out the words. I'm so sad.
It didn't greasy? It doesn't burn. It didn't greasy. And here's the interesting part is that Chuck Woolery, for those of you who aren't ancient like I am, hosted a TV show called Love Connection.
A real goth would have known that.
I mean, I think too, it's, isn't it kind of, I mean, it's kind of duplicitous too for an audience. You think you're paying to watch Frankie Valley sing live and then he's singing to the tracks. Okay, fine. That's, that's the gig. Wouldn't you want to put up the audio maybe of a track that he could sing like 10 years ago? Do you know what I mean? Like a recording live? Yeah.
Not the actual 70s recording. Do you see what I'm saying? Like put up like kind of a coherent performance vocally that he could.
If he's 90, his fans have to be.
Jesus Christ.
You think they're just checked out?
They're all vampires like him.
Can you believe at 90, God bless him, he can still get out there? Yeah. 90, how does he even get to these gigs? He's flying. Tom, is he flying? Do you think he can afford to fly private?
Why at 90? What do you think is going on?
Two and two for like a long time. So he was a professional broadcaster.
Is it a legacy thing? Is he like, I'm going out?
But his success happened at a time when people made residuals, yeah? He's got so many hits, right?
Okay, how about this? How many ex-wives does he have? Let's look at the life. Is there multiple kids? Is families on the payroll?
And my mother was smitten with him.
Tom, how are you going to ruin your life? I don't know. Now that you're famous and successful and rich and stuff. Are you going to do multiple marriages? Are you going to start a trafficking ring with your buddies on an island? What kind of mayhem are you going to get into?
Does that really exist, that people are like, I'm going to go to Africa and hunt the ivory tusks elephant that there's one left? Oh, my God.
Yeah. So do you think you're going to get into hunting endangered species?
But I know it's a lot of money, but think about the joy.
He was the matchmaker. And then people, this is before we would video the dates, and people would come on the show and retell the events of the date.
You're top of the heap. Now, hold on. Yes and, as they say in the improv world. I'm going to yes and you. I feel like doing it in a war-torn country is too easy. Like we could drop you in Somalia or Ukraine right now, hand you a rifle, and boom, you're in the war. Too easy.
You can hunt and kill first world people. Like New York City. They take you into New York City and you can stab a tourist.
Look at this.
What a relaxing vacay.
Yeah. Oh, the yachts travel from Djibouti to Somalia. Yeah.
From Djibouti and Somalia to Mombasa in Kenya. Perfect.
Yeah.
At least the pirates have the decency to take hostages. These people are just paying to commit murder.
Well, I do like that somebody is capitalizing on what pieces of shit these wealthy people can be. It's really cool.
Could you imagine?
Yeah, you could totally do that. That's not that crazy. It's not that crazy. But is this in rubles or whatever? No, that's just dollars. Pounds?
To get hunted by Somalians.
Right, just some poor, desperate person. Yeah, some fucking kid who goes, I don't know what else to do. I'm just trying to feed my family.
Yeah.
That's really good. It's really good.
Oh my God. Yeah. Lots of Ted. May I just point out that your eye bags really fit the profile. Thank you very much. Thank you.
It was so innocent.
Yeah. That one's good. Yeah.
The swastika, he really burned in there. Nice, yeah. Oh.
Okay. I like how you know all these fellas right off the bat. I don't even know these guys. Look at that. Wow. That's good. Yeah.
Yeah, I kind of like you more as Dahmer. You're cute as a bird.
Very cute.
That one's awesome.
Wow.
There you go. Fresh-shaven. That's a younger Tom.
That's where he was a big-time goofball, and he went into the... Yo, here's a rich guy thing you can get into, is doing pilgrimages to where serial killer stuff happened.
But that's another rich guy lane. Like, for instance, Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor, when he recorded an album, he requested to record it in the Charles Manson Sharon Tate murder house on Cielo Drive.
Yeah. So you can do cool things like that.
You don't have to be wealthy.
Son of Sam. Your hairline's pretty cool there.
Dude, he's really talented.
Oh, yeah, look at the smile. You got your grin.
But can I tell you, why not? You're already going down. You're done.
You may as well do a goofy mugshot photo if you're going to go down. Who cares? Oh, my God. Look how sweet you are there. Who's that?
Yeah. You look cute there. Sweet. Sweet.
Yeah. He really likes you as Dahmer. He did you twice as Dahmer.
Oh, that's true. Yeah, you matched that.
No. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Good work, oh my Jesus. Good thing. Good use of talent, huh?
oh it's just good clean fun there's two things I'm really into right now the diarrhea videos and like these silly call out name ones the diarrhea videos yeah I always like diarrhea I like caca that guy who does like diarrhea tests yeah where he's like look people always tag Christina P and Tom Segura from your mom's house podcast no fucking way
Which always kills me that people don't just change their name.
What? Is this true, Tom?
Oh, wow.
Well, I'm still curious about his diarrhea findings. I mean, get to the point, you know?
Oh, well, I guess we'll never know.
No! Because I was hoping to get a Thanksgiving one.
Thankfully. Thankfully, yeah.
Yeah, come on, man. Don't start doing what you're good at.
Of course I know Will Blunderfeld.
I mean, unless he was goofing on Chuck, which he may have been.
No way. Yeah, it's pretty cool. That's cool. I like to see his early work.
I'll play the clip.
He's so grabby.
Look, I love Will. I love you, Will. I'll tell you what I don't like, Tom. Tell me. What is hard for me to watch, I should say. I love him. I love his anus. I love his body. I think he's fantastic. He's just a little...
He's just so, and his fingers are bigger than mine because he's a man, you know, and I just, I feel for his anus because it's a little too grabby. You don't like your anus. I don't consider my anus a sexual, for me it's just caca, caca comes out. Yeah. I'm not into putting stuff in there, no.
I love him so much.
Yeah, dude. Good audio, too.
Yeah, you might want to go outdoors where maybe it's quiet.
recorded in the stands there you go happy thanksgiving he's great so he's absolutely my favorite yeah i do like that he puts ice in red wine look you're floridian he's an outlier oh he's definitely he's a creator an inventor but your floridian relatives all put ice in their white wine yes why not put it in the red
Why not?
What rule is that? There's no rules. Yeah, you can do whatever the heck you want.
Of course.
You know what I love when he, which is so true because it's such a subtle distinction when he's like, you feel the grease. going down your throat. And you're like, yeah, that's the joy of eating a processed meat is the grease runs down your throat. You know, I never thought of it. It's so good. He's right. He's right.
I'm sweating. I'm so excited.
Oh, yeah. Tony John. And he's fired.
And he's gone. He does such a great impression of Tony.
yeah richard hitler you didn't think to change your last this guy's parents how do you not just petition to just go buy something else well it's so listen women do it all the time when you get married you go down to the social security office you go to the dmv you bring the license you change your name and you change your name yeah You can just do that.
I cannot. Hold on. Before we even get into it, Tom.
This might be like one of the greatest moments in YMH history.
I would say this could be as monumental as the time we called Robert Paul Champagne.
I mean, I've loved Tony Johns for years, admired him, laughed with him, enjoyed his work. And now we're going to speak with him.
Oh my gosh. Okay. Can I pee first? Cause I'm like so excited. Yeah, sure.
I did. I'm just so nervous.
Hi, Tony. Hey, what's going on, you guys? Oh, my gosh. I'm so excited to speak with you.
You can change your name to anything you want. You can, yeah. It's totally possible.
But yeah, God, Chuck Woolery brought us so much joy for so long on your mom's house. Rest in peace. He was great. Yeah.
I have a question for you, Tony. In a video you said that you reunited with your, you said you found your maternal, your mother?
Oh, okay. I thought there was a video where you said you reunited with your family or with your mother.
He was sweet.
Can I ask Tony, what prompted this complete change in your life?
Sure.
And that's when you got a DUI baby.
Oh, I have a question, Tony. We know that you've been a ladies' man your whole life. Is there a potential future Mrs. John's?
That's why he felt like he could pass. Yeah, because on Twitter there for a while, he was getting real spicy. Yeah. I remember he was getting real.
Well, let me tell you something, Tony. Yeah. Everybody at the YMH family is rooting for you. Yes. We are thrilled that you have your life in such a great place. And we're all rooting for you. And will you please let us know if you do get married?
Hey, you guys. Have a good night. Hey, you too, bro. I love you, Tony John. All right. Thanks, you guys.
Bye. Bye.
What? Dude, that is, look, in the history of YMH cool guys, we have yet to have one completely turn his life around.
You never. You don't make it out alive.
I am deeply actually moved by Tony's story. I mean, he really turned his shit around. We didn't think this guy was going to last.
You mean you didn't contribute to Trump's campaign?
God bless every one of us, even Tony Johns.
I know what you're going to bring up. You do? I've been thinking about it every day.
Yeah.
Why is he a piece of shit?
Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something? I felt that he wasn't a good person and Nora was his wife. They were gross. When they came in, I could tell they weren't nice.
I think just the sheer volume of people going and getting in and out of the area. And what a disaster. Just regardless of who's being inaugurated.
Do you know that our children are so modest they won't do that? Like, I've offered, like, hey, put a towel around you. No. This man, the audacity of somebody to show their balls and their old ass to everybody.
The Cool Guy Club. Yeah.
But what's interesting about... So Tom and I... I don't think you would disagree with me, but we love people watching. I think you and I are... In addition to our new love of murder together, that's a new thing we're going to get into together. I'm on the JonBenet case. I'm completely whatever. I'm so deep into solving this crime, I'm almost there. But...
We love observing people in the wild, crazy people. Remember, it was at the same resort. We saw a guy scrub his foot skin off of his feet with the cheese grater that you use to scrape.
I know. I feel like they have to put signs now.
God. Yeah. Ridiculous. And that's one that's burned into my mind every time I go to a public pool now is the guy shaving his feet off and changing. I know.
I've seen that too.
Unforgivable. I've seen somebody eat a bag of hard-boiled eggs. At the fucking... At the terminal. That is so disgusting and smelly, guys. Come on.
Okay.
Looks like Rob Eiler. Whoa. I hate you. He's so great.
You know you're going to vomit. Just for people listening, it's a guy that pitched and he's puking at the same time.
I hate you so fucking much. You just wait for this next drawing. I'm not looking at it again, you shitbag. You think I'm stupid?
The only inauguration I would go to and pay for is Will Blunderfeld.
Why do you have to ruin my day? I was so happy to talk to you. I was too.
You're such a fucking asshole.
No, that makes me happier.
When he wins, I'll go.
Do you think people are really discussing this topic right now?
I don't know. I mean, if I had to choose between my anus or my mouth, I'd do my mouth.
He might run for Prez.
Oh, my God. I had a Pajitsky effect this morning. Hold on. Never mind. Please read what Leona or Tanner just put up.
Oh, that's true. Prime Minister?
No, you don't.
Can I tell you my Pajutski effect? Can I tell you my Pajitsky effect that I had this morning? Sure. So for those of you who don't know, that's when you realize you've been doing something stupid your whole fucking life. And then you're like, oh, I don't have to be stupid and dumb and retarded. I can just do something. I can just do something different. Yeah. Okay.
The way our bathroom is set up, the towels are on the other end of the bathroom and the shower is here. Okay. Because there's the cupboard, but it's on the other end of the thing. Every fucking day, I forget to get myself a towel out of the cupboard and walk it over to the shower. I forget. So now I'm getting out of the shower and I'm fucking cold and wet.
And then I got to tiptoe on the slippery ass tile.
To get a fucking towel. And you know what I realized today, Tom Seguera?
I can put a towel rack directly outside of the shower so that I just reach.
Where?
Oh, but I put my shower caps on there.
I agree, I agree. Hold on, hold on, hold on. That's if you remember to put a towel on the rack. I'm saying if I get a shelf, sorry, that's a word I should have used, a shelf.
And you stack like five towels on the shelf right there.
You're kidding. I swear. He's my favorite. Yeah.
Buddy, buddy. I mean, now I'm living in luxury. What am I fucking?
You're hunting Somali pirates? I'm toweling off.
Okay.
Oh, my God. We got so excited. God, today is just, I woke up this morning beyond excited about what's going to happen. There's a lot going on today.
So Tippi Hedren, the famous actress that was in like Hitchcock movies, had a fucking pet tiger. Gregory. Gregory.
And just bite her head off. And he's fucking huge. He's enormous.
And that's the thing is these dummies never think that their beloved pet tiger is going to attack them. Did she die by her tiger? I hope so. Let's look it up. I really hope so. At the very least, I hope that the tiger ate her dead body.
This is a whole lane of the talk where women are reclaiming their menstrual cycles. Some of them are free bleeding into lakes and rivers. Some of them are rubbing the blood on their faces.
Read it.
I know. Maybe she's, I don't know. I don't know how she's doing it. I don't know how she's doing it. She's 94. Wow.
so frail that tippy's a snack for that that's melanie griffith's mom i had no idea i didn't know that i guess she's a legacy family okay excuse me what god look can i tell you something there there is a point where you do too much shit to your face that you can't take it back that's happening left and right now this is the era of too much shit to your face we're living in it doing too much shit to your face
You got to do that.
You got to do that. I mean, stop doing this. You got to look old, dude. It's okay.
Fuck. I'd rather look old and weird.
What the fuck?
What?
At first, I forgot I curated this. I thought it was Sour Belts. And I was like, I fucking love Sour Belts. No. Well, those aren't Sour Belts.
Those are matey belts.
Please, somebody, tell Holly he still loves her. Jeff still loves you. It's Chuck.
Oh, Chuck loves you.
He's in his tent out there.
Oh, my God. They still make those?
Is tap-out still real?
It's been a while. It's like FUBU.
So this... Do you guys... Holy shit.
So if you really love your dog, I mean, only if you really love your dog, when it dies, you can make a pelt out of its dead corpse so that you can lay it down on the floor. In front of the fireplace.
And here's the thing. That is fucking crazy. Here's the deal, man.
For a fucking real pet pelt. Here's the thing. You and I love pets, obviously. We're obsessed with our animals. I'm kind of torn because, hold on, you know how much we love Feef. Do you think you can see where is Feef? Oh, wait, where's his six tits?
I know.
But don't you love them? It's like, yeah, you get to see them, but you get to see them in kind of a fucked up way. Kind of fucked up? Not see them at all.
Oh, okay.
I mean, like, do you want to see a mushed sad virgin?
What about, I mean, what about taxidermy? You could just stuff your... No, I think you just say goodbye.
Ah.
Rock climbing. Tom loves this. Cave climbing, I should say. So right now, I'm... Oh, man.
This is a guy who's got a snake attached to his forehead, biting it.
But can I tell you that I don't think I would have the wherewithal to just allow the snake to finish. You'd have to just skin graft my forehead. Just rip the skin off.
Yeah, you dummy. How do you get bitten in the face? That means you're face-to-face with a snake, stupid.
I don't know yet. I think he, can I tell you what happened in my mind? He says, oh, green snake. And then he leaned down with his friend and he was like, I'm going to put my face in the face.
And then he latched on. Well, how the fuck does a snake get to your forehead?
That doesn't fall from a tree and just bite your forehead at that angle. He leaned down.
Yeah.
I agree, Tom.
Poor whoever speaks, I guess, I think it's Tagalog. Whoever is speaking is like, they're very upset with us right now. Why? What do we do? Because your pronunciation is not very good.
Yeah, this guy is totally bluffing. Yeah. He's not looking for a cuddle date.
Yeah, he's lying. He's fooling us.
I've fallen for it in college and stuff.
I fucking totally fell for this like freshman year.
Yeah.
I know. I fell for it.
Oh, yeah. The movie.
Okay. Bye-bye now. My asshole. My asshole.
I had so much fun. So did I. So much fun with you, James.
Bye, Jeans. Oh, yeah. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
Me too. Can I tell you, I woke up this morning just so lathered up to come into the studio and record today's episode just knowing the vintage YMH stuff we have. And not only that, I would like to take an opportunity here. If you haven't bought your Christmas gift for your lady or gender neutral person in your life that loves lipstick.
Could be a guy.
It's not just for women. It's for cats. It's for pets. It's for whatever you want. The Perfect Four. These are all four of my lipstick colors, Atomic Red, Madison Berlin, and of course, the Perfect Red comes in the package. Buy it now. I'm wearing Berlin today to show you how moody. Oh, yeah. Aren't I seductive and weird a little bit and mysterious? Is that called Berlin? Yeah, it's called Berlin.
Thank you. That's the whole point. I was so inspired by my trip.
Exactly. Okay. And exactly. And I tell you what, you buy this lipstick for your lady. Yes. She's going to squat over your face.
You know, you don't think you're overreacting a little bit?
Tom, for those of you who don't know what he's referring to, it was the choke heard around the world.
It was just scary.
I got scared. I thought you were dying.
We just were worried. I mean, weren't we all concerned?
What made you choke? Netflix.
You're spicy today, Tom. You're zesty.
And that's why you fired everybody and you brought in this team. This is unbelievable.
You don't think this is a little overreactive?
Tom, let's go over the moment of the choke.
What happened?
So I was speaking and I just had a little... Do you think the saliva was because you had a roogie? Did you have a roogie in your mouth?
This is not a plug.
Great gift. Great gift. So let's get back to the choke. Yeah.
Were you reading something there? I was getting ready.
Time to chop their heads off. Off with their heads. Yeah, because what struck, I think, the former staff and I was you didn't acknowledge the choke. And usually broadcasters or even Chuck Woolery would be, Oh, excuse me. Pardon me. Yeah. Maybe I, Oh my goodness. You know, and you decided, Oh my goodness. Yeah. Whoopsie. Whoopsie Daisy. I choked.
You didn't acknowledge it. What, what was going on in your mind?
I didn't. I thought you were having a seizure and I thought maybe you were going to collapse. And I was just happy that you were, yes, still talking, but the fact that it was the unacknowledgement of the choke that people were really taken with. I thought it was, yeah. Yeah.
It's taken over the YMH world. I know. A lot of people have. The choke heard. I'm going to be producing another piece of art to commemorate. Oh, for fuck's sake. The choke. Just give me some time. I'm working on it. These things take hours for me to draw.
It takes days and hours and weeks. Yeah. There's my portrait.
Well, hold on. First of all, I'd like to support everyone that purchased a print of my portrait of Tom. Thank you for supporting the arts. Here's the deal, man. This is what I thought, because Ari claims that my portrait looks more like him. He does. Hold on. Is it that the portrait looks like Ari or that you look like a Jew? Have you thought about your Jewish features?
Niana's laughing at the booth. Is she going to get fired too?
You don't think that you have a Jewish... It is the nose. Everybody can see the nose is very... Oh, you just look at his profile just now. Look at that. It hangs over a lot.
Is Josh Zolo still around? No, he's gone. We have a...
It is Christmas time. Let's look at some features. That's great, guys.
And then I tried to get his approval too as his daughter for years. You ever think about that fucked up game? Wow, I'm so glad I didn't marry a guy like that.
You know what I mean? Sure. I could have done that, Tommy. That could have been me.
You're replaceable as shit, bitch. Oh, I like that.
That would put, that would be like, it's too much. Too close to the bone.
For sure. By the way, now that I've had colonoscopy clean, the day is now if we wanted to butt fuck because there's nothing in there.
There's nothing in there.
today. I just had the thing in my bee yesterday.
Aren't you not supposed to butt fuck after?
Do you think gay guys have cleaner bees than we do?
Like way more.
For sure.
Yeah.
wow, what am I missing out on? Then I guess the gay- You're missing out on a lot.
The gay community, their asses are clean like that all the time.
We'd love to.
And I think you're jealous and you're just showing off a little bit. You're peacocking a little. Does that sound familiar?
This is spooky. My dad's a real N. I didn't realize that. I was raised by a strong black man. This is a thousand percent his game. Yeah. And so my dad is crazy. Wait, did you hear the wife? He's like, I told my wife.
So he's married and he's doing all that. He's running game.
It's so good.
I mean, look, it's definitely a lane of courtship. Like we've talked about this before with, what's his name? Tom. Blow me up, Tom.
He was an overweight radio DJ in Los Angeles.
Tom Likas. And his whole thing too is like, dump that bitch. Don't spend a dime.
Yeah.
it's fucking super cool it works with a certain type oh how soon after a colonoscopy can i bottom yeah really important can you read that my eyes can't sure sure uh literally immediately this actually might be the perfect time because you're as clean out as you can ever be but i was thinking yeah someone says you couldn't be more right listen we are trying this tonight we're trying
Well, I'm a little worried now. No, no, no. Hold on.
I haven't made a brown yet since my colonoscopy. Like how long before I make a brown? You got a while.
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Like Michael Jackson?
Tell that bitch. I thank a bitch. I'm wearing Berlin today.
Mm-hmm. That's your farts. Mm-hmm.
We've been talking about this for ages, why you get fartier on the flight. Plain farts. It's confirmed. Also, your farts do smell very sulfuric because you eat a lot of eggs. Yeah, they do. Your farts smell horrible. And because we've been together for 20 years now, I know your smells. Like, I know how they smell.
You have to sleep in a chamber, though. Didn't he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber?
Like I bet if we, okay, hear me out. If we did this as a game, I don't know if I would be open to it. If we had everybody fart into a film container and then I were to smell, like open it and smell it, I bet you I could identify my husband's fart.
Yeah. Just on the smells alone.
Hell yeah. Tanner's up for it. I know Tanner's a guy. Niana's down. Yeah, Niana's down.
I'm good.
He just puts the thing on your nose.
Wow, that's nice. Wow, that's nice to know.
All night. Dude, did MJ just have a doctor all night monitoring him?
You know, I've been asking other friends that we have, married friends, whether or not their husband rips and blows ass in front of them. Not a lot do. Not a lot do. Honestly, like not a lot.
Well, I can tell you the Trestles don't blow ass in front of each other, Duncan and Aaron. I'm sure they'd be okay with me sharing that. They don't. I don't want to out people, but Shauna and Jimmy are very close. My best friend since forever. They rip ass in front of each other. Yeah, good. They've been together forever, too, like we have.
But that's crazy.
Real love. All the other couples that we're friends with, it doesn't happen. It's disrespect. It doesn't happen.
Josh, do you fart in front of your lady?
That's so toxic.
And the real question is, has he ever found those guys who like to fucking fuck good? Do they ever come over? Has he ever had it happen?
There's got to be one guy.
It's been so many years. Somebody has to have taken up on this.
It's wild because my brain was totally charred after it. Like I, yesterday I had brain zaps.
And if you haven't, can somebody please take him up?
This campaign for years. For years.
I'd be so sad too.
I'd be so bummed.
But then again, his criterion's a little specific. He does like black guys who like to fucking fuck good.
Just fuck. Are you out of jail?
To any black guy. So all it is is a black guy who likes to fuck. And Latinos. He says Latinos. Oh, and Latinos. So black and Latino. There's a lot of those in New York City.
Predominantly. I mean, it's just...
You know, I remember. I can't believe you went there.
Do you remember how you felt when you walked into his apartment for the first time?
Oh, that's right.
And then how did you get to talk to him eventually?
Yeah. He pity fucked you. Yeah. It was pretty great. You got your roogie and you almost swallowed it there.
What happened to him? I'm sure he's in prison by now.
Yeah. You're really into these roogies.
You know what? You should sew a roogie pocket in your jackets from now on. That's how much you love those roogies. A dedicated roogie pocket.
Um, what flavor are you into right now? What are you doing?
And you got your whole crew into them now.
Everybody's into the, I'm converting people too.
Yeah.
Dang.
It is so much better for you.
I'm glad to see RPC's back at it. And he's so horny. Isn't there an age where this decreases? Like, do you think he's at that point where the testosterone... This is probably decreased for him.
See, this is the crazy thing about really rich celebrities is you can find anybody to do anything as long as they don't have morals.
We played the first video Josh wrote on the board here seven years ago.
Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a decade of this. At least. Cole. Yeah. And he's still so horny. And he looks exactly the same. He looks great.
Officer Cumdump looks amazing.
He never ages. RPC never ages. He just looks great. He's so horny. He's so fired up.
I wish I had an ounce of this fire. Officer Cumdump's a total pig. Total pig.
Yeah, it looks great on him. And look at all the hats in the background.
Quite a dissertation.
No. No, he usually keeps it just to the neighborhood. He talks about his stuff at Coney Island.
But that's where you're wrong, Thomas.
He's multifaceted, and I think what you're seeing is he's developed as a talent. He's gone creatively into different areas. What do you think all those hats are?
No, it looks good on him. It looks good. Oh, wow. Wow. Jesus, look at that physique.
I'm sure he hooked up with George Foreman. He's hooked up with everybody. He knows everybody.
Uh-oh.
He likes some beefy.
Yeah.
Oh, there he is with his face mask. That's what chicks do. They like to show themselves in face masks. They're like, oh, my God, I'm so ugly right now. Yeah. Stop. Oh, there he is. He's always rubbing his chest, rubbing his tits. Yeah.
He's showing you that you can cum on his face. That's what he's using that for.
Can I ask you, though? When you're aroused, are you rubbing your chest like that?
It's like a girl thing.
Yeah, dude, that's a powerful way to sleep. Honestly, that's a little too much. You're just dead. You're basically dead all night. There he is. Yeah, he looks good. He looks cool.
Yeah. Ooh. Yeah, it's a little gay. Well, there you go. Yeah, it's pretty gay. Oh, look at that black guy in his sweater. You like black guys in sweaters?
Yeah. Fuck, dude. This is a hardcore feat.
Yeah.
And he likes orange cats, too, just like me.
Dude, RPC. Wow, a lot of similarities. Yeah.
I get him. I get him.
Yeah.
That's a big tit.
Fuck, dude.
Nope. He's consistent. If nothing but consistent. Yeah. Happy spring.
See, that's the thing is the, is the, is the, what's the word? Just the spread of interest. Like it's happy spring and then hardcore black guys and cats.
I don't want to paint him with one brush.
It's the same guy. Yeah. Oh, even nine lives weren't enough with you. Oh, I agree. Especially orange boys, they're so special. I know, I love the orange guys.
And like, who is he taking? Are these stock photos or are these people?
He's just Googling hot black guys and then putting them up on his Instagram.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, and then there's Snoopy.
I know. Have you had sex with Robert Paul Champagne? Let us know. There's got to be somebody out there.
I would like to ask you.
Somebody fuck him. I have to pee really bad. Okay. Drink a lot of water.
I pissed, but I didn't piss water out of my butt at the same time.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was so cute.
It was such a good movie. Super entertaining. They really served the children who play this game. Oh, yeah. And then the odd adult that was in the theater, where you're like, you shouldn't be in here without a kid.
No.
The Ederman. The Ederman. Jason Momoa was amazing.
It was so funny. And Jack Black, fantastic job.
It was a really good movie. They did such a good job. They really did. Yeah, it was really fun. The boys loved it. We loved it. Look at him. I love the outfits they put on these people. Jason has, I love his pink jacket.
But I do have something really relevant to the YMH world that I'd like to bring to the light.
So funny. I didn't know he could do comedy. Oh, he was great.
Yeah, it was a really good movie.
Yeah, take your kids to see this. I think if they're into the Minecraft.
It's a really good wig. It looks like it could be his hair.
It's rad. How big is he in real life?
Jesus.
Did he start as like an athlete before he was an actor? No.
Shut up, really?
So, by the way, colonoscopy, no biggie. I really thought it would be way worser than it was. Not a big deal. You drink this nasty shit that makes you basically waterfall dump.
And he was in Game of Thrones. He was banging the Khaleesi.
I mean, nobody's built like that guy. No. Holy mackerel.
Oh, look at him as a baby.
Yeah, that's wild, dude. What a career. What a life. What a fun movie, though. He did such a great job.
That was rad.
So I took the boys to see Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus, the musical here. And there was like adults watching it alone without kids, which is so weird. And then when we did the Paddington. That's even weirder. It gets even weirder. When we were in London, I took them to the Paddington Bear Experience.
there were grownups there too without kids. I'm like, what? But then I realized they weren't just any grownups. They were low IQ adults. Okay. No, it's true. Okay. They were low IQ. I'm not saying they were retarded. I'm saying that they were on the cusp on the border. Like there was just above the line.
And like, cause there's, there was this one part of the Paddington bear experience where you go into the kitchen and
there's like you know the family kitchen and like the one adult that was alone this guy this low iq adult he was like picking up the fake phone yeah it was in that room there's like a fake phone and he was like like really laughing and pretending and like putting together the screws yeah that's definitely low iq that's not necessarily our word but low iq and i'm noticing that more now as an adult do you think there's low iq adults that are
It's very good, by the way.
For hours. Fine. It doesn't hurt.
Exactly. They're actually bright. Exactly.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah. With Downs? Yes. Which law school? I don't know. Like, something online or something?
No, it's amazing. I didn't graduate from law school. Okay. So then to be diagnosed as having mental retardation in person must have an IQ below 70 to 75.
No, I know. So like a low IQ adult, what would a low IQ adult be?
80?
No.
But not necessarily Downs because this guy at Paddington Bear averages about 50.
So wait a minute. Genius Downs people?
That's rad. That's rad. I bet my IQ is an exceptional Downs person.
That's amazing.
I did not know that.
I'm a low IQ adult. Dang. Dang. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. Now the question is, do you want her to represent you?
Because I like to get up. I would sit down and try to watch something. It was an 80 something times. It was a lot. It was 180. And I'd feel a tug. But it's not painful. It's not like diarrhea where you're like, oh, bent over. No cramping. You just feel like a little like boop boop. And then you go sit down.
Maybe she represents other people with Down syndrome.
Oh, that's good. Yeah. That lady's not wearing the right bra. I'll tell you this right now. 100% for sure. She's smarter than me.
I dropped out of law school after two weeks. It was too hard. And if she's learning the same law I did.
She's the one.
I didn't pass the bar.
No, I know.
That's amazing.
You know, now that I don't, I have breast cancer, I always look at other people's tits a lot even more now. Yeah. Like, you see that woman behind her? She needs the right bra. That's not supportive at all. That's great. That tit looks terrible.
She needs to put, right, Niana? Niana knows what I'm talking about. It's too droopy.
Is he in an ambulance? Why is he strapped in?
Right.
But you better sit down fast. There's no time to spare because you sit down and water. Eventually water comes out of your butthole. Here's the cool part. At 4 a.m., Are you ready? I'm ready. At 4 a.m., I was browning water, just clear water, which is what you're supposed to get. At one point, water was coming out of my b-hole and piss was coming out of my p-hole.
A candle burner.
Breaking in with a sledgehammer. Not a good one.
Damn, bro.
I love that he recognized him. Of course. Tony is now a huge celebrity.
Worker. Yeah. There's the same guy. Oh, there's the dude. There's the fan, yeah. That was awesome that he met him later.
That's so important. It was a great game. An hour later, he's out. I mean, here's the deal, too. He's like, he's just like, what? They just won't let me in, dude. Like, they took away my keys. Like, there's no other side to that story.
You're right. Between the Downs lawyer and Tony Johns. Who's... I rest my case.
Yeah. I love that. It's full circle with the fan. Yeah. And he's drinking with that guy, dude. Yeah.
Good for Tony. Look, I'm glad he got out at an hour. We were worried that it was going to escalate to him ending up in jail and I don't want him to go to prison. This is, I know.
Yeah.
Tough guy. He's cracking skulls.
Excuse me, you can't come in here. Why not? It's a private property.
Get out of here. You get out of here.
He's so cute. Yeah, not very intimidating.
Now, we've got the double pipe classic, which is a burp and a fart at the same time. What would you call, since you coined it, you're in the Urban Dictionary, when you brown water and pee at the same time?
Not very intimidating.
You know who you hire? A guy that looks like Jason Momoa.
And you're like, what the fuck, dude?
Yeah. Yeah, this guy needs to hire an actor. That's what actors are for, guys. Come on.
Oh, I love it. Here we go. Let's go.
Can I tell you something? I can see our sons doing dumb shit like this in 10 years.
This is what dumb boys do.
What do you think? He's trying to read. Oh, my God.
No.
Wow. That guy's dead, right?
Thanks for sharing.
You get the feeling. You have to feel that, dude. He's got no rhythm. You got to feel that. Fuck. Let's watch it again.
He fucked up, homie. This looks like Europe somewhere.
It's Eastern Europe. If I'm betting.
Yes, Croatia, of course.
And he's drunk, yeah. Holy shit. Fuck, man.
But he's drunk, so he's relaxed.
He might be okay. I could see them doing this in Hungary, too. Yeah, of course. They just put like a fucking, what is that? A crane?
Wow.
Double stream magic.
I hate horses. This is why I hate them. This is exactly why I hate horses.
Yeah, dude. Fuck horses.
For sure, dude. For sure. She's passing the bar exam right now.
Fuck this horse. Can I say something? Normally I defend the animal, but in this case, I bet you that horse is a real fucking... She said it. Yeah.
I don't think that's ever going to happen again in my life.
Because horse girls are super nice. Horse girls are all about that life. They love animals. So for this woman to be like, fuck you, horse. Yeah. This horse sucks, dude.
Mm-hmm.
that was a human cannonball thing like this is also definitely not in the states there's no way i think it is i'm gonna go for like south yeah dude because look at the backpack that's like a military american backpack where is it joshua all new burger no this is america this could be the south this is like fucking oh yeah riverside oh riverside california yeah what
It is magic.
Of course. That's Riverside. I'm sure he has health insurance. I'm sure they give it to him. How much do you think you get paid to shoot yourself out of a cannon at the Riverside County Fair?
But you're not shitting shit. Just to clarify.
Yeah. You do it for love of the game.
That's love. This guy's fucking paralyzed.
Oh, yeah.
You're literally just you sit down and water comes out of your bum. It's wild.
Mm-hmm. I had no idea that there was an item called a spring jacket, meaning an item like a jacket you would just wear in the springtime. Because to me, that seems so wasteful. Like, why would I buy a jacket just for spring? I didn't even know people did that.
but that's what i thought it was so i thought there was a light jacket and then like a winter coat well there are but then a spring jacket are there summer jackets yeah i know there's a winter coat no there's summer jackets no i and i i'm learning that for the first time too yeah there's a summer a summer jacket summer jackets usually just you know they have less lining they breathe easier yeah did not know this that there was a spring jacket never in my world thought that there were jackets for different seasons
only a winter coat that's it there's only winter coats because that makes sense to me you should get a winter coat a spring can i tell you honestly a spring jacket sounds superfluous it sounds unnecessary like why can't you just put on a sweater it's like a waste of money to buy a spring jacket got it so when the guy told me this is a spring jacket i saw your brain just short circuit i watched it and you were like whoa whoa wait whoa whoa what what and he was like for spring
I had no idea that. But to be fair, I think Nayana, didn't you not know that too? Or was it Heather? I had no idea. See?
What did you call it? A double stream magic.
Right. That's all you need to know. That's a rich person, like a real bougie thing. Fancy people stuff. Yes. I'd never heard of it because we never had this growing up. No way. A spring jacket. No, it's too bougie for me. Okay. Now I'm all about it though. I understand. Yeah.
Yeah. I advise everybody to get their colonoscopy just to experience a double stream magic.
You knew this the whole time?
Why didn't you fucking tell me, dude?
Why don't you tell me? We're married for 20 years. You never tell me.
It took you about 15 years to tell me it's not a sun visor. It's just a visor.
The other day you let me walk around with food in my teeth. I was smiling like a donkey with lettuce in my teeth. You need to look out for me, dude.
None on these things.
Do you know you got to educate me on like civilized people? You know I don't know these things. Okay.
By the way, I told you this, but I thought this was funny to share. I'm relearning Hungarian.
Yeah, because I don't know, dude. I just think it's whatever. It's time. Because I spoke Hungarian before I spoke English, and then I lost it because my parents, once we came to America, were like, oh, no, no, we're American. Fuck this language. You don't speak this anymore. So I'm relearning it.
And it's fascinating because apparently all the things I thought were just exclusive to my family being an asshole, like I thought we were just assholes, it's cultural.
We're all assholes. And that's what I'm learning from my Hungarian tutor. She's like, oh no, that's just, you're just being Hungarian. And I was like, that fucking blew my mind.
Okay. So first of all, so I was, I asked, we're learning basic things. Like how do you ask for a coffee? I would like coffee. Okay. And I go, well, what if I went to like a Starbucks and they say like, may I please have a coffee? And she's like, no, you don't, you don't say please. I'm like, what? No, there's no need to say please. Overly polite. Why would you say please? Okay.
Guten Tag, willkommen.
They don't say please when you're ordering from another human being. Just say the thing. Even little things like, you know, hand me that book. I was like, can you say please? Like if I said it to my husband, sweetie, please hand me. She's like, that's too much. You don't need to say please. Just say hand me the fucking book.
right and she said that like all the cursing is normal culture standard issue and um all the stuff that yes they curse like sailors everything is fuck buzz mag this fuck that your mother's this you did it and that's like so normal and we we'd say it in you know tutoring and also too
Yes, because it's totally cultural.
And even like, it's so fucked up because like these phrases I would hear all the time as a kid. Yeah. Like, oh, the dad should hand me a beer. Like my dad would tell me that all the time. Like, go get me a beer. Go get me a beer. Like I knew that right away.
get me a beer yeah he didn't say please did he no please no legacy vish no just fucking do this do it so culturally we're dicks it's very but it's actually very liberating because i'm like i just thought i was kind of an asshole yeah like why am i so rude and because you've told me before you're like hey dude you need to camouflage your face people can tell if you don't like them can you
You know, do you remember you told me that? See, looking out for you. You're looking out for me. Thank you. But I didn't realize it's just, she's like, yeah, you're Eastern European. That's what they are. And I'm like, oh, it's such a relief, you know?
You do not smile. And you don't laugh or smile unless there's like a real reason. And you're not friendly to people in public. Like if someone just starts talking to you, they're like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Fuck off. Get out of my face.
Get out of here. No. Everybody said no. No. Yeah, we're very friendly people. The Americans, the English, Western Europe is way friendly. Not all of them.
Germans are kind of abrupt too. But Eastern European, 100%. You're encouraged to kind of be a dick.
It's totally, yeah, it's a total preventable cancer.
And I asked her, too. I was like, is that because of communism? Like, did the Russians crush our joy, like, prior to that? Were we, like, nice? She's like, no. It's Estonia-European. It's just with these.
There's no please. You don't say please.
Great. What state did he get convicted in?
Oh, come to Texas, son. We'll give you a medal of honor. You're in the wrong state, my man.
Well, and also those kits that they say, oh, you just scrape your poo and then you nail it in. Those are not, it's too late. By the time it shows up there, you've already got cancer. You're fucked. You're dead. So just go. And by the way, the actual procedure, 20 minutes.
That burp you made, did they get to hear that before we started rolling even?
Atta boy.
I'm a huge fan.
Yeah, I like him too. Yeah, he's in the wrong state.
Yeah, move to Texas. You can do your thing here. Oh.
Yeah.
It is. But it taught him discipline. It looks like he likes that regimented life. I hope he's successful. I mean, he's got a nice place. He takes good care of it. He takes care of himself.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
That's awesome.
Yeah, we like this guy. Didn't we try to add money to his commissary and everything?
I know, it is the best part.
You were. You always are when I get anesthesia. I know. You're so.
Great.
I think you should be absolved.
Of course. There should be open season on these predators. I agree. Open season.
You should be allowed to. You should be allowed to. Absolutely. No fucking way.
I've had one.
I know you're jealous. That's why you've been ramping up the burps and the farts. And do you want me to talk about what you did yesterday?
I've touched my pee-pee. So many feelings. Oh, shit. That stops. That's what she does, right? After he pees? It's hard now. Yeah. That's the part that's fucked up is that they fuck after this, right?
I don't like this. You know what? And then he comes and he goes. All right. I don't like it. Also, I don't like that everybody has to be out with their sexual proclivities. I think having some shame and keeping it hidden is totally fine. Just not letting it out. Why does everyone have to be out with everything? There's some things that are shameful. Society frowns upon.
Keep that shit hidden, dude.
Keep that shit hidden. Why does he have to be out? Why do I have to know what makes his dick hard in his diaper? I don't want to know.
Oh, my God. He wants to keep it a secret.
Oh, God. It's crazy. Yeah, he did that in front of cameras.
I know. It's like Meghan Markle, like, Oh, I don't want everybody following us. And then she makes Netflix shows.
It is insane.
God, if I were into anything like this, I would keep it such a secret.
God, I'm ashamed of the normal stuff you and I do. You know what I mean?
Well, I mean, I don't share everything we do with people. It's weird. Oh, it's so gross.
You're so gross. So you're driving me to the colonoscopy. We're at a stoplight. And lately even really phlegmy, and I don't know if it's the air here in Austin, the allergies. And we're at a stoplight, and you're sneezing, and you're sneezing, and then you're doing this horking shit that you do as a dad.
And also... Where's my passie? I'm glad these fools don't have kids. But once you do have kids, you're going to get sick of watching those movies right quick. You're going to get sick of cleaning up.
No, you can't do shit when you have kids.
Always.
That was mighty, mighty.
Uh-uh.
Just from that?
What country is that? I don't know. I don't think that's America.
Oh no. They're in such turmoil right now. Those poor Turkish. Yeah.
This is why they shouldn't let people protest. I think you should do.
Oh, these poor people.
Get the fuck out of there. You see the cops coming, leave, dude. Leave. Why are you going to hang out for this shit?
No, run.
Run, fool. No way. These Turkish police, you think they give a fuck? Yeah. They don't give a fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Turkish prison.
Are you going to Anchorage?
And then, and I see it in the corner of my eye, you're pushing the button for the window to roll down. And then you do like an old Chinese guy. You go, and then you hork. Hork the loogie out of the car window like an old man. It was so fucking disgusting.
Oakland, California. Phil, Aloe Snatcha.
Great job, man. So elaborate. They painted that on. Yeah, it's insane. I mean, that's not just a poster, you guys. That's painted on the bricks backstage. It's amazing.
That's so funny.
She's going to love it.
Oh, cool. You guys get to hear what I hear all the time.
That's awesome, James.
Oh, what's everybody?
You get the glove.
So fucking disgusting.
No, that's what a handkerchief is for. Gentlemen have handkerchiefs and you spit your spittle. By the way, I have to kiss your mouth. You know that? I kiss your mouth. And it makes me think too. And what I realized is you don't wash your hands nearly as much as I thought you did.
We're going to talk about that a bit more today because you've been in special form. And I have a theory why, and I'm going to get into that. Oh, really? You have a theory? I do.
Why don't I do before and after because we can get piss on your hands.
Why is it fine? It's urine on your hand.
Psyops.
I agree with that.
You know what? As a fellow disgusting human, I'll take that. Because I do that too. When I piss and I wipe, I just wash my right hand. And then I don't even dry it off.
Do you think there's a reason to wash both hands, Josh? I don't think there's a reason.
No, just go like this.
About what?
You're so vulgar and vile to your people that work with you too. You fucking fart on them. You fart around them. By the way too, you've been wrapping up your farts production.
I do.
Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody. Yeah. Nobody likes when you fart. Nobody.
You know what he's been doing too in the house is when you fart, it's bad enough that you fart all the time, all the time, all the time. Now you lay on your back and you pull your legs in the air like the di-di and you're only wearing underwear. No shirt, nothing else, just your panties and then you rip them and you do it in front of our children.
I do.
They do like it. But I told them, I said, don't do this in front of your lives. The kids like it. The staff loves it. That's fine. The staff does not like it. They do like it. Nobody likes it. All right, here we go. Nobody likes it.
She doesn't like it. She does too.
Is Annie just freely farting now? Yes.
I mean, that went from zero fart policy to all the time now. That is crazy. He totally changed his tune with that.
Oh, you're just going to get into it right now? Why not? This leads into my theory as to why you've been ramping up the burps, the farts, the hawking loogies. I had a colonoscopy yesterday for the first time in my life.
Mommy, it's your mommy. She lives in my arms. It's your little mommy. Do you love your mommy? Sure you do.
Don't compliment that bitch.
Hold the applause. And it's not for any reason. It was just a standard thing. So don't worry. And I think, and I'm just going to put this out here and see if this sounds like familiar. I think you're a little jellies because a, I got to watch all everything come out of me in a waterfall fashion. I got some cool farts and I got a propofol nap. Am I saying that right? Propofol.
Mm-hmm.
Can I tell you, though? Yeah. This is definitely the game my father has run with women his entire life. Yeah. And it works. It works. With a certain type of broad, this is their jam.
They love it because they're like, maybe I can, I love you, maybe I can change you. How do I get approval? How do I get approval? How do I get the approval? I'm gay.
That's what my dad does.
That's exactly what my dad would say.
Yep.
My dad does this a thousand percent to the hoes. This is exactly how he got wet.
Numbers.
I mean, I've seen him do it. Like I've seen him be like, come on, baby. I don't, I don't do this. Like he. He'll just tell them straight up, nope, nope, nope. But they come back. You're right. They want more.
They do. My father has, I think. Yeah. But then they get bored and restless because real intimacy is not on the table. They're not capable. And if there's a bump in the road, forget it. We're done. It's too much work. You're boring. It's too much work. It's either super boring or it's too much work and I don't want to do it. There's no long term. Wow. That's horrible. Whoa.
I don't know. I think it's pretty good. Look how I like, I get the redness on the top of your head, which is my favorite. And then your dark under eye circles are always fun to color in. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, I learned how to draw a cat. That was fun.
Okay.
Meaning he went to a gun range and it was not an accident.
And also, I was thinking, is he skinny or fat when he does it?
I hope so.
Thanks for bumming everybody out. Everybody's so excited about my new portrait.
That's all I want, is to be able to go somewhere, boom, like that, without getting on a plane. Yeah, you can get a helichopter. I don't want a helichopter, that's how cool.
This is the kind of thing we're looking for, just so people understand. Yeah.
That is how Kobe Ryan died.
Well, that's what I would say. This last one was ideal. I liked his conviction. So sincere. I like the sincerity. I like the passion. However, if you guys could also list that dollar amount.
You didn't hear that?
That's what's going to get her to do it.
You don't have to really do it.
Just trick her.
Yeah, $20. And by the way, CatherineCann69 on Instagram has offered her help.
To set up her OnlyFans.
How do you say strong black coffee? In Espanol.
How do you say best drink of the day?
Oh, this one looks good.
That's right.
That's right. It doesn't sound like a lot until you multiply.
Absolutely.
And might I add, too, the bulk of the income, like Bad Baby, she makes a lot of her money writing back. So if you would say, Charo, I would pay whatever amount. What's a good amount for a message back from an OnlyFans person? $10 maybe?
$10 for an email and maybe a photograph.
I blame the helichopter.
We really could do this without her knowing. Of course we could. I mean, we could set it up for her and run it.
This is literally what our sons do to each other.
That was beef. Beef and cheese came out of there. Beef and cheese. That was awesome. Beef and cheese.
You may have. I feel like I'm on the trum. And I think I may have. I probably did that. I'm a jerk.
Yeah, summer. Summer. I have something really exciting to share with you that I've been working on for a long time. Let's just get in here. Yeah, we got to go.
I was going to say.
But look, listen, Fancy, if you are listening, I would argue that being on your mom's house and these clips circulating would just generate more business for you.
Of course.
No. And, you know, his meal was so amazing when he was on this show.
So fancy, so real.
Nobody's Fancy Chef.
It's giving me so much anxiety that he's holding up a line.
He asked for juice? Yeah. Like apple juice? Yeah.
Juice? Who's drinking juice past the age of seven?
Yes, Gene, I am very into my supplements, but I don't like paying a lot. And I do everything with Live Good. I do magnesium, B12.
That is bold. And I will say, just looking at the photographs, they look delicious. Well, yeah.
You're not a caliber.
That's true.
That's so true. And I also like his handle, which is really important. It's fancy underscore chef under underscore at like 2013. That's very intuitive. It's a good way for people to find.
Guys, don't do the underscores. If you want to be known publicly.
Is that a fish with carrots? That's lovely. That looks so good. So delicious. Oh, my God.
It's a lot of seasoning, too. Very seasoned.
Or debone it. You want those bones.
And I love you.
That was really good.
Dying.
Well, because we always do mommy and I love you with the kids in the car.
And then we started doing happy birthday on Ellis's birthday recently. We were like, do happy birthday to the Starbucks worker. And then today you added, not only did you get in three happy birthdays, but with the Cockney accent.
I mean, the real question is, do you think she suspected your fake Cockney accent or did she really think you spoke like that? Oh, I don't know.
Oh, that's right.
You could do, hello, love, hello, govna.
That's, I think, bonus points for govna if you call them that a couple times.
Remember when we were in London? I was like, I will give you a million dollars to order.
Or you could order strong black coffee.
Best holiday of the year.
Yeah, he was like not acknowledging it.
We call him governor?
Both of you were throwing it in there.
He is so funny. God damn, he is fucking funny. He's so smart and talented. I know. He's amazing. He looks great.
Can I tell you one thing that I've noticed before that's been making me crazy? I was thinking about Jimmy Carr.
No, he's phenomenal. He's ridiculously funny. So I took the kids to a barn or one of these petting zoo places.
And, you know, standard Austin fare. Like, there's always, like, a person with a beard and tits. You know, there's always, like, these gender weirdos, which is fine. It's just part of Austin. I love them. You know you're at a good place if there's a beard and tits serving you or whatever.
So we're at, like, the petting zoo. And, oh, my God. So the bearded person... It was very smelly, too. It smelled like an animal, like a cow. So she's explaining to us the animals. And this person's younger, like a Gen Z kind of young kid. And I've been noticing this amongst the youngest generation. We had vocal fry a few years ago.
Megan. And then there was Upspeak where people were like, yeah, this is basically, if you're at a good Austin restaurant, someone's serving you that looks like that.
This is totally, this is my pizza place. This is my coffee place. This is the barn we go petting animals at.
Okay, so here's my point.
It was vocal fry. And then it was up speak.
And now I've noticed... Go back to the list there, Josh, because I forget this. Okay. Okay. So every time my kids would ask this person a question, could it be something simple as, what do cows eat? This person would go, yeah, so, yeah.
Yeah, and I'm thinking, is the question so offensive that she needs to, or sorry, they need to buttress in their mind? Yeah, because I understand if it's an offensive question.
Like someone's asking them about their gender and they're like, yeah, so I'm...
Right. This might be complicated.
Right, and I've been noticing this amongst a lot of younger people. It's something as simple as, how much is this? Yeah, so $2.99. You know what you should do next time?
Yeah, so it's constant.
But have you heard this? Do you know what I'm talking about?
That, and they like to say sort of. It's sort of like they can't just come out and say the thing, right?
And I think they think it makes them sound smarter if they go, you know, it's sort of like the color orange.
Exactly.
That's exactly what I was going to say.
Exactly. And our kids were like, can the cow eat rocks? No.
Maybe she's afraid, sorry, they were afraid of offending my children by saying, no, cows can't eat rocks. So they want to hedge it a little to soften it.
See, that's the thing. I don't think he does. I'm going to go opposite with you on this one. I think he can say the white N-word because he doesn't give a shit. He's not caring. He's not cautious.
I don't know, Tom. He might be so crazy that he goes into it so confident that he makes it okay by virtue of it being okay to him.
Yeah.
That's what I'm saying. He's committed. And when you're committed, you almost convince other people it's okay.
May I ask you this question? I don't know if you know the answer or not. But what about those white people like in Eminem who they hang out in the black community? That's their primary social group.
Because he doesn't drop n-bombs. Never. No, no, no. Interesting. Well, what an interesting subject. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wild. For sure. He almost gets mad crap.
That's right. That's right. Well, what were you going to say, Annie? I didn't understand your point.
That's so true. I think I would want to be cool. Gosh, I'd want to fit in so bad.
And I can't. No, not that way. I don't want to. No. No.
No. No fucking way. The best I feel about myself is when a black person compliments what I'm wearing. And then I'm like, oh my God, dude.
Yeah. You're funny is number one.
Yeah.
Oh, wow. That's actually probably number one. That's probably number one. Yeah.
Yeah, number two is you're funny. Wow. You know what I really like? Is if they're like, wow, you're real as shit. When they tell me I'm real, then I'm like, wow.
I mean, it's a black room.
Black approval. Yeah.
I know, I didn't think I'd be alive this long.
Oh, that took a long time to do.
Or burping. That's just the dad. The mother. We just gave birth. Now you're up breastfeeding all hours. And if you were old like me, I was 39 when I had our first kid.
My kids, one time Julian, were you there? No, you weren't there. One time Julian found a permanent black marker and just drew on his face.
Where'd you give birth?
Especially if you're somebody with a profession like a surgeon, a doctor, an attorney. I don't know how these people have newborns and then go into work.
You know how hard it is to get off?
Yeah, I've heard that.
You know this person. Oh, I do know this person. I know.
Dude, everything's so disappointing.
For 20 years now.
It's like 100%.
He had a knife on him and then he stabbed the other driver.
Sam Tripoli.
When I was a little girl, I thought about the year 2000. Didn't it just blow your mind? And now you're like, oh, that's it?
That's why I'm excited about the orbs. This is what I'm thinking. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Ezekiel wheels. The veil has been pierced. We are entering the next level of evolution. This is it. This is the breakdown of this civilization and into the new.
And pornography. We have a lot of pornography and readily available pornography.
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
But it's not because the hood is tangled. Yeah, but still, he got it. Okay, I'm sorry, guys.
Yeah. Well, I've seen Chet Hanks talk about him on the gram. I follow Chet Hanks and he's like, yeah, my dad's a piece of shit. Totally neglectful.
Okay, okay.
I do have to say that the marker is very distracting from anything else he has to say.
Yeah, the gloves.
For real, I didn't know this.
Is that all there is?
I'm sorry. Did I miss it? What is SRC USA?
Is it related to minor people? Okay.
I don't like that. Oh!
Good idea.
They just shoot him with their cream eyes and stuff.
You know what it is? They don't have to sign release forms, probably.
When you've been around thousands of years, it's like, fuck your rights!
What's going on? That's right. The society is like, you don't have no fucking rights. You need to sue them? We got nuked. Fuck your feelings.
You know how long it's been? This is one of the first videos that really made me enjoy the internet. This and Two Girls, One Cup and the guy that sat on the glass. You can't find it there.
I don't know.
Okay.
Well, these are pretty cool.
Oh my god, this poor horse is like, why are you making me do this? How are they getting the horse to do it is really the question.
We search for the marginalized communities, cool guys.
Oh, memories, dude. I feel even sicker after watching that.
This is the weirdest episode ever.
It feels just as bad watching it now as when I did it the first time. And isolate the grunts for me, okay?
Oh, there he is. There's his face, you guys.
You don't want to be there.
Oh, yeah. It says he died of acute peritonitis due to perforation of the colon. Yeah.
Oh, listen to this. So peritonitis is inflammation of the localized or generalized, whatever, peritoneum, peritoneum. Peritoneum. The lining of the inner wall of the abdomen and cover of the abdominal organs.
Can't do it. Some guy got convicted. James Michael Tate pleaded guilty. First degree criminal trespass.
Every person who shall carnally know in any manner any animal or bird. That's funny. Isn't a bird an animal? Why specify? I don't know. It's so funny. Who's fucking birds? Yeah.
The phones are, they crush. And then you can get a chip in your head and stuff. You want to do that?
Yeah.
What is wrong with people, dude?
Yeah, he did. And he always had great facial hair. Yeah. Great jewelry. And he was always telling us how wealthy he is. You guys have been complaining that I don't show my whole head and my face.
Oh, yeah.
I do. Here's the thing. Here's my thing. You should be allowed to fuck a horse, but only if you die after. Oh, okay.
There you go. Okay. That's still fun.
Yeah.
But you have to realize the dedication. He took a Sharpie, bro. And then he Sharpied his eyelids even and his lips.
He's got life in jail. He should opt for the horse.
He's much more handsome.
But this is Honolulu traffic, which is horrible, too. Oh, really? It's really bad? Really bad. It's enough to make you crazy. Yeah. But wouldn't you rather do... Let's talk about it. Would you rather do life in prison... Or get the horse.
I mean, the horse is kind of quick. I mean, that didn't take very long. You're going to die pre. In and out.
I'm a horse dick guy who's not doing life anymore.
Yeah, okay. But you get out of the life sentence if you live through the horse fucking.
And hold on. Do I get to pick the dick? No, it's going to be the big dick horse.
But here's the deal. Okay. It is going to be videoed and you will go viral. So your life is ruined, but you're free.
What are you going to get it for? I don't know. Like, it'd be cool to turn on your car with just your brain thoughts. Yeah. Or the radio. Or like, not even the radio.
You're selling lots of tickets. You're selling tickets. People want to hear about it. People want to see it. Yeah. You can write a book about it.
So you can die too. You can die in your vag.
It's a muscle for that, yeah. Yeah.
What are you doing?
Good point, Sammy.
Wow, serendipity.
Yeah. I am too, dude. Holy shit. This was wild.
Yeah.
Yep. I can't wait for that to open. We got some shorts. We got some shorts.
Yeah. That's what happens.
That's what happens.
Also, look up Wait.
His weight seemed to fluctuate quite a bit.
Yeah.
But wouldn't you argue that Undertaker getting arrested from the FBI would be a positive thing?
I'm not sophisticated?
Sophisticated? Yeah. Do we have the soundbite?
Yeah, he really was one of the early ones.
Jean, I have built five websites using Squarespace. That's how much I love this platform. It's so intuitive. It's easy to build. I mean, I'm not a, I don't know HTML. I don't know coding, but you don't need it. And what's great is you can sell anything on your Squarespace website. Whatever you want.
He had smart thoughts. What do you want more than anything? What do you want? Yeah. I want a car, well, a car does drive itself, that Tesla. Definitely flying, flying for me. Flying car.
It is vacuum sealed. You can, you can, gross, sorry. You can choose from a bunch of payment options like Klarna, ACH, Direct, Debit, Apple Pay, and Afterpay.
Look, I've been waiting on bated breath to share this with you for weeks. This has been weeks of preparation for me. Do you have the original clip of Tom's choke? And do we have Moron from, I know that we just interviewed Armie Hammer.
Yeah.
Wow. You've terrified them all. Anyway, would you like to repeat? Would you show them the original choke in case people aren't familiar with what happened?
On Netflix.
Well, then you, you know, firing people.
So anyway, you know, you've just been inspiring me. You're my muse. Not only are you my husband, my, my lover, but my muse now. Sure. And I've been working on this piece of art for weeks, weeks. The kids have been in on it. The staff has been in on it. Anyway, this is what I like to call Tom Segura, the choke, but in a creative rendition. This is my interpretation of the choke. What do you think?
coughing up a furball is that right you got it because you reminded me of a cat coughing up a furball this cat took a long time i'll be selling uh limited prints of these there's only going to be a finite amount hey guys i was listening to this to the adrian appaloochee episode but by the way she has a great new special out on netflix um There it is, The Choke, Tom Segura, The Choke.
Oh, I know what I want, transport beams. Yeah. Like in Star Trek?
The first artwork I did of you was a hit, so this will be a second limited edition. I'll be signing all the prints. Go ahead, get them at ymastudios.com. You're welcome.
He's so positive and resilient.
And I hate to say this, but dare I say he likes being in prison.
Yeah.
I like when she goes... That girl, I tell you, she really, if anything, she's got chutzpah. I don't know if you remember the Good Morning America performance where she did cartwheel after cartwheel after cartwheel. Can you find that real quick, Josh? It was so alarming that it has made a repass on the meme circuit.
Well, now he does have a reason to try to get out of jail. He's got a goal to work towards, which is nice.
Well, he did violate a restraining order against his uncle, and then he documented it and showed up with boxing gloves. Not a smart idea.
Yeah.
No.
What are you talking about?
This isn't that bad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, look, Tom, there are a lot of gentlemen and some women who prefer life on the inside because it is consistent. There is some discipline. There is some structure to their day-to-day existence.
Now, the one thing he's going to run into is there's no women.
Yeah. Wow. I'm disappointed because we did team up.
He would have a leg up.
That is ironic.
Yeah, that could have been Tony.
Yeah, that's too bad that he missed out on this because it looks like they're having fun.
It's a good shot. You can see everything happen.
Maybe he could hang this in his cell. You know, it's like sometimes they put pinups there and that could be his.
Thank you, Alexis. That's really sweet of you to send that along.
That's right. I've been relearning my mother tongue.
Oh, oh, I thought this is the thing I... Yeah, you sent in, like, it's a little... Yeah, so my tutor taught me this word, and I wanted to share it with the entire universe.
And that's slow. Not that word peristate. Peristate is yes, of course. But that... Can you play that again?
Just so people get that.
That's one word in Hungarian. And it means... I'll tell you, this is the best. So it's based on the dish, which is stuffed cabbage, okay? And what this one word means... is that there's so much meat and cabbage in this pot that I am making tiltot kapusta in, I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot. That's what that one word means.
There's so much meat and cabbage in this pot of tiltot kapusta, I cannot fit more cabbage in the pot.
I win. Again, and she goes in for seconds.
In one word.
This is enough of an issue in Hungarian culture. And I asked my tutor, would my parents know this word? And she's like, yeah, of course. Like, what are you, stupid? People know this word, dummy. They'll put it together pretty fucking quick. And I'm like, I can't even, I can't even.
That's the thing, too. There's a real distinction in Hungarian culture about villager versus, like, city folk. And even my tutor...
She was a villager.
Do you want to know the name of our town, which even sounds like a villager? It's called Porost. You say Porost, it means like a farmer. It's like a slang word for villager.
Again, like Tigayn, like gypsy. Porost and Tigayn. Oh, you are Porost. Porost is a villager, yeah. So she was from a place called Shorokshag, which is like Porost central. Yeah. You're from Shotok Shack? You fucking villager.
Goddamn dirty gypsy.
Nah, are you kidding me? Oh, my God. One time, one Christmas Eve, my dad.
One time my dad on Christmas Eve came down in like a shiny 90s shirt and I was about 14 years old and I go, oh my God, you look like a gigolo. And that was not good.
I had to run and I hid in my room and I was not allowed to come down until the next day. Christmas Eve I lost out on because I call my dad a gigolo. And I think it's because it was a little close to the bone, as any is listening and laughing right now, because it's too close to the bone. He knew it. He knew. I fucking knew what was up with him.
I did call him. He looked like a gigolo.
I probably just learned what that word meant.
Even worse. Backhand straight to the mouth. Yeah.
Our kids call me dude every day. I'm like, yeah, that's right, bro. Yeah. Dude, bro. Wow. Wow. That's wild.
Damn. But I do think in Hungarian culture, calling somebody gypsy is like the worst thing. That's the lowest of the low.
Now they do. Because when we were in Italy, I noticed too, because I called them gypsies. And he's like, no, no, you can't say gypsy no more. You have to say Roma. And I go, I'm sure the Romans love that.
Roma. Roma. Fucking break.
There he is.
It's the one that got away.
Why are you showing me? It's upsetting me because we've reached out to him so many, for a decade.
That's Ash Ripper, yeah. Hold on, let me go sniff that one.
So for those of you who don't know, do we have any old videos of Ass Ripper to show the audience? Because now I want to take a walk down Ass Ripper.
He never did that.
So he would do it, remember, in his bedroom.
He would do it in his car.
And keep in mind, this guy started this 10 years ago.
This is before OnlyFans. This is before you would see this stuff commonly.
And then he'd finger the holes in his chonies and his dirty white underwear.
Very brown.
Yeah. Remember the one in his kitchen? Yeah. Where he would like open a Tupperware, fart, and he'd be like, oh.
That's right.
This guy was such a talent. And I'm so.
One of the greats. Two.
Three in a row. And this is before people were editing things.
This is in real time.
This is in real time. How did he have three in the barrel?
Yeah, no, that, but he gained it while we were still working.
That's very innovative.
That pizza looks so good. He's going to ruin it with the gravy. I thought ranch maybe would be.
Well, look, we haven't tried in about how many years to get a hold of him. Maybe we could try again. Does anybody know King Ass Ripper? Do you know who this is? Can you get a hold of him? Can you tell him to contact us? Get on your mom's house.
think romulus michigan just had it josh somebody's got to recognize him like on a personal level somebody does and they're like that's fucking yeah it's jake yeah yeah what is he oh he doesn't do that anymore he's got a family he works at the factory can you imagine the woman that's like oh yeah he used to he used to do this stuff this is when i met him
Well, we had our speculation that it's for sex work.
We want him to work again. I want him in my life again. I miss you. We miss you, King Ass Ripper.
Yeah, I would. We just miss you, buddy. We miss your work. You haven't made a new video in so long. Where are you? Are you okay?
Nobody does it like this guy. Nobody did it like King Ass Ripper. You know, amongst the cool guys, there are men with just raw talent. Robert Paul Champagne has that spirit.
Do you have his fart montage?
What's his name? The old guy. You know, in such a way. That guy's got that spark to you.
10 to 12 Benadryl guy. He's got a spark. King Ass Ripper was unlike any other cool guy.
Of course. He was one of our first children.
And we offered him money. We offered him everything.
Purely.
It kind of makes me sad.
But why stop doing it? He was already successful. We were on board. There are so many mysteries to him. Why did he stop? Why did he not want fame? Why did he not want to get bigger than he was? Because he kept doing the videos after we reached out. It's not like he didn't want to do what he was doing.
My palms are sweating for her right now.
I got to go pish real quick.
Yeah. Who doesn't do that?
Oh, I didn't know.
Tom, I feel like you and I are revisiting an old flame.
Don't you feel like?
Why did we ever not?
Ooh, I love a fish filet.
He did, he got into this lane. Yeah.
Hold on, Tom.
But don't you... Isn't this for fetish?
I see what you're saying.
I think you're right because he shunned it. He didn't want it.
Oh, that's why. Yeah. I think you're right.
That's true.
That's true.
That's right. And that's probably why he didn't want the exposure back then.
Maybe that's why he stopped making the videos. Maybe he wanted to be a regular guy. I don't know, but it's a talent wasted if that's the case. Yeah. I miss him so much.
Black people being homophobic is my favorite.
I love them.
And it's so accepted. And it's fine. That's what they're fine.
They say it all the time. I love it.
I know, there's like entire premises about things like, that's some gay shit. We don't do no gay shit. I don't fuck with no gay shit, man.
Hey, I respect it. Can I, Matt Pries, Pries, did you hear that? Matt Pries bring up, we have a dental update in the Your Mom's House world, but I would like to start doing vision updates. Okay. I, as you can see, I'm again wearing these glasses. I haven't worn these in years. I just allow myself to see things blurly because I don't want to fucking wear them.
Turns out radiation kills your vision. I didn't know that. I didn't know when they were raiding my body.
So my reading is gone to shit, my readers, and now I have to wear these fucking gay distance dad glasses. Now, like with you, I got to wear these all the time.
Cooked. Have you had your, you haven't done your annual, your pap smear yet?
Every year it's going to happen.
Yeah, that's what my doctor said. She's like, you're getting gayer and lesbianiker every year.
Also, good news, because of radiation, I now have the beginnings of cataracts. Cataracts. I have cataracts now.
She said, yeah, not now. Like in 20 years, I'll definitely need that.
So I've got a bunch of new looks coming for you guys. You're going to see me wearing different spectacles because, you know, why not?
This one, I have to say, outdoes cancer. I never do anything this awful.
Save it for the floor.
Hold on. I need to simmer.
15, 20 years at least that I've known you.
It's the price you pay for fun.
Well, how big are these vials?
Okay, is it like this?
You've got tons of shit. You could fill a blood vial.
Yo, I got to tell you something.
I'd rather have my tits cut off and do radiation than shit the bucket. No, I don't even mind shitting in the bucket. It's the fact that you have to scoop it out. scoop it and then put it into 12 containers and then hold, it's not enough, then you have to freeze some, refrigerate some, and then walk it to the lab? I mean, hold on.
There's no service that just takes the shit and separates it for you.
Everything's fine. Well, also, who's this first doctor that was like, you're all clean, see you later, and then gave up?
That's why I don't think Cedars is necessarily the best. Austin and I have had better health care. I mean, because they actually have the time to give a shit about you out here.
I don't know. They have to figure this out with you. I can't imagine.
They're not sores, but if she's rubbing them and maybe she's wiping too hard and they're bleeding, they shouldn't be sores. They should just be like skin.
Why are you freezing it?
Which fridge and freezer do you think you'll be using? Not the family's. Food.
Oh, my God. You can't.
And then where are you going to lay out your other live- On your counter. Oh, my God. I'm going to puke. You better hide that. Do you want to be there for it? This one is- Well, I asked you. I was like, do you need help? Like, are you going to- First of all, you've never shit into a bucket before.
So it might be that that's the first challenge is how you know you can even shit into a bucket successfully.
This is terrible. There's got to be a better way that they're not telling you.
This is great content.
I can't watch you do that. Your own shit? What kind of spoon are they giving you? Is it like a regular spoon? That's so gay. There's got to be a better way that we're not thinking of. There's no way that everybody's doing this.
This is disgusting.
But what would that be?
Tanner will watch anything ever. That's cool. Will Tanner scoop the shit? For me, it's not. The scooping of the shit is what troubles me.
You got, when are you going to do this? Like as soon as possible, right? How long are you keeping this in my fridge? That's the real question.
Just to see what bacteria grows probably.
That would be awesome. You know how much weight you lose with a parasite? So lucky. Do you know that women give themselves parasites to lose weight? That's cool. Like it's a thing.
They're like, Hey, we didn't make this song. Have you ever seen? And by the way, there's, there's a couple of things that stick out in my memory in life that I play on repeat.
How many brothers and sisters do you have?
That we know of.
Nobody's harder on a bitch than me.
And then other baby mamas, too. He's got a lot.
Especially it's time to make these cool videos about it.
Uh, it's Kim Cottrell. We've played it on this show before and her, she goes, my husband and I like to play the bass and I scat along and it's, it's her rent. Oh my God. Please.
He's pleased with himself.
I know that. So I've seen my dad pull that actually. Yeah. He did it a few times on women. Yeah. But he wouldn't do it like that where he'd joke with them. He'd be like, I don't like this. Okay. You're too fat. It's not exciting for me. Like he would just straight up.
I'm not attracted to you. You're too fat.
Yeah. Which is even meaner.
See, I just thought my dad disappointed all of us unconsciously. I didn't realize it was like.
What do you think, Denny? Do you think your dad didn't show up on purpose to fuck with you? Absolutely.
This is rare. Yeah. That a guy's, he's a very bright guy, actually.
We do need a new segment just called Showing Any Gay Shit.
Because I do like how upset you get. Josh, could you start pulling some homosexual, black homosexual clips to show Annie?
I know.
What? What even happened? What is that? Cheese block? I don't understand what I saw.
Okay. Well, I don't hear anybody LOLing.
Yeah, we can go on.
Next.
Oh. I hate horses, tiny horses, donkeys of all kind.
They can go fuck themselves.
Okie dokie.
wow world of warcraft wrestling what is this okay she had to be taken out in a stretcher yeah that was pretty cool you didn't like that one i thought it was going to be some fat stuff and i always like fat people doing stuff but i hate these guys on bikes skateboards i don't like oh I don't know why that went wrong, because that's theoretically how they all do it. We got stuck.
Shit, man.
Yeah, that's not good.
Okay.
I'm done. Well, nobody LOL'd there.
It does. Hair and skin care. It does say that. Yeah. That's amazing.
That's amazing. This is a bitch nigga. It kind of.
Oh, my God. How do they answer the phone? Can we find it? Can we call them?
It's got to exist. Let's call and see how they answer.
Yeah. Let's look it up. Here. Josh can find it in like two seconds. Let's call.
Oh, it's real. It's Houston.
Oh, let's call it.
Call it right now, dude. No, it's closed. Open's 10 a.m.
Yeah, it says hours.
Yeah, they just ring and ring and ring, right?
They don't give a fuck, dude. These places do not give a fuck. Oh, well, let's try again next time. Wait, how to pronounce?
You mean English? Eurocentric? Yeah. You mean we're in America and we read things in English?
Oh, how blessed.
Yeah, there's fuck it tie. Yeah.
Of course, bro.
Zabba dabba deeba pot of beret. I can't take, it's the pot of beret that sticks in my mind.
But then there are the fun ones where, like, they don't have an English-speaking friend to help them name their business. So there will be, like, total relax. So relax. So relax.
Total relax and so relax.
Total relax. Total relax. So relaxed. But then I think I saw So Relax, too.
I'm sure she's lovely and I think she's nice and stuff. I just pray that the he-dogs are okay.
Oh, can I plug a date, please? Of course. Now that I'm returned to stand-up, I'm only doing stuff in Austin. I'll be at May 15th, 730 at Comedy Mothership in the Little Boy if you'd like to see me work out a new hour of stuff.
Yeah. Oh, buy my lip shits. Guys, so many of you did for Mother's Day. Thank you so very much. I hope you're happy with your purchase. Get the perfect four now at ChristinaP.com.
That was terrible. Don't do that again.
Yes! I'm sweating.
Oh, fuck, dude.
Pot of beret!
That and then some magazine where somebody wants to do a piece on you.
But then they go, why don't we come to your house and film you and your husband? And that's when you go, no.
The answer is no. That video and then that and Jessica Simpson singing along with Jewel. Please find this. Have you seen this?
You think Fergie was off. Wait until you see this one. This one sticks in my brain too. And this happened about a decade ago as well. But when I think I've embarrassed myself, there's always this.
Because here's the deal. Here's the deal. I'm not shedding on them. I can see myself doing it. Can you see yourself? I see myself being like, I could sing with Jewel. Let me try singing with Jewel. And then you slip into her style even though it's not your style and you're trying. Fuck, I'm sweating.
Hey, Christina, you want to sing the national anthem? No. Yay, yay, yay. Let's play some basketball. Pot of beret. That's the one that gets me in my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night going, pot of beret.
I'm ready.
Oh, we didn't even do that? Nope.
Welcome to your mom's house. Metal fucking balls. Welcome to your mom's house.
Meow, meow. Meow, meow. I know, that's the part you like the best, is that...
You know what bothers me the most is the overhead lighting is on and you know how much... Oh, yeah.
The real question is, what did that dumb bitch do to make him so mad?
Your phone was already off.
Yeah, you're right.
But first of all, in her defense, men can't find shit.
Ever. And she's probably like, dude, come on. How am I going to do this? I'm laying down. You're bothering me. Just like last night I was comfortable. I had the cat on my lap. I had my heating pad on. I can't find the remote.
It was on my side. But you could have looked. I told you to look there. Okay.
Well, hold on, but back it up. We told him like all he has to do.
It's been a long transformation. Without you, our genes are low and loose.
If somebody goes, I played in college, they're saying, right. It's like, I got you. Gotcha, gotcha.
No, not once. That was it?
That was your mission.
Wow. It was such a fun day. It was such a fun day. You don't swim, though, right? Right in studio. To try it clear.
Go ahead, go ahead.
You don't go in the ocean, right?
Let's get it. Ryan, you are the Ryan that everyone's talking about. So do you want to comment on anything that's been being said here? I'm sitting there in my office listening to everything. Can we hear him?
Which one? Oh.
By the way, one of the things we'll get to is that, and he's a huge liar. Go ahead, Ryan. Huge. Can be.
But wait a minute. Here's the thing, though. We can get into the semantics of this. Are you saying that he was like, I played basketball when I was in college or I played college ball?
Even my head's about to explode. If you win a rematch.
It was for hair.
Yes, you got scared. Incorrect.
You don't remember saying that you wanted this hair and that the hair thing was all set up?
We got to review the tape. Because I don't remember the conversation going that way. I remember asking, what do you want? And he goes, I'd like to have hair.
I don't remember that. And I remember setting up all the hair stuff, too.
We were going to send you to Turkey and everything.
I think the reason that that was shot down was that even though you won, yes, you did, the idea that a boss... your employer could take $10,000 if you had lost did feel like it's like an abuse to do.
We've had your Invisalign.
Invisalign, which I would say of the last 15 years, the most traumatic thing that happened to either of us was Invisalign. To anybody in this family. Yeah, especially when they came off. I really hated that a lot. It hurt so bad. You had some other shit, but Invisalign is really what I think this sticks with us.
You did say it seemed fair.
I'll put it on the table.
What about swimming? Hold on. What about swimming? Right before Ryan came in, you said.
Oh. What about laps, swimming laps? Annie, you said it right before you came in that you would swim laps. You would learn to swim and swim laps. Yeah, no problem.
I'm excited to kick off my UK and Ireland tour this weekend. I'll be in Dublin this Saturday, March 15 at 3 Arena. Belfast for two shows at Waterfront Hall on March 16. First show is sold out. We added a second show. Manchester at AO Arena March 19. London at OVO Arena Wembley March 20. Glasgow at OVO Hydro March 21st. Nottingham at Motor Point Arena, March 22nd.
Cardiff at Utilita Arena, March 23rd. Go get your tickets at tomseguro.com slash tour. I'll see you there, mate.
They say money can't buy you happiness. That might be true. But money sure can make you feel a lot of other things like stressed, guilty, overwhelmed. That's because when you're not in control of your money, your money can control you. Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns.
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Yeah, so we're going to discuss some of those things. And plus, you know, there's, you know, other, you know, I'm saying, you know, 19 virus. There's a bunch of things that we can talk about.
Sign up now and join the over 13 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $22 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com slash YMH or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier 1 compensation provided. Investing involves risk.
Acorns Advisors, LLC, and SEC Registered Investment Advisor. View important disclosures at acorns.com slash YMH. If you're like me, your mornings follow a familiar routine with coffee being essential. Since it's the one thing I absolutely need to jumpstart my day every day, I need it to be perfect. So I leveled up my daily coffee routine with trade.
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That's drinktrade, T-R-A-D-E dot com slash YMH for 40% off your first order. Drinktrade.com slash YMH. Okay. Ryan, do you swim?
You know what I'm saying?
Real quick to let everybody know in two days. It is March 7th, and that means YMH Live 10 is coming. It is back. YMH Live is back, 7.30 p.m. Central Time. It's our biggest one yet. We're going to tell you some of the amazing details in a moment, but we have the great Dan Soder, one of the funniest comedians working today, is joining us live in studio.
I swam as a kid. I'm pretty good.
will you swim laps for 10 G's and neither of you has to give it up I'll give it up however I would if I don't have to pay for the coach this time I pay thousands of dollars for that shit I'll pay for the swimming coach too wow you'll pay for the swimming coach I'll pay for a swimming coach and I'll put the 10 grand up and I'll give it to whomever wins and I won't have a swimming coach
This is amazing.
But you don't know how to swim.
We will continue this. Let's move to the next thing here because this is nothing gives me more joy besides watching that take place than upsetting and horrifying someone. Stavros came on. Yes. This was episode 7-11. And we showed him Norm's famous poutine. And it was one of my favorite things I've ever seen. This was so great. Yeah.
This guy's cocking a little fucking thing.
He paces through the cage.
Which, it's in his urethra, so I don't know how he's... Oh, fuck.
Of course, there are brand new original sketches and things that we've shot. We're giving away $10,000. You can go to YMHstudios.com for more information there. Grab your ticket, and we will announce the winner live on the show right before the heavy segment. And don't miss the exclusive VIP post show with the great cockroach, Josh Potter.
That was just... God, it's stressing me out to re-watch that. I know.
It's also getting me primed for YMH Live. I just realized we're going to get more treats like this.
Did you get the zing of excitement? Yes. Yeah, I know.
Because every time that heavy segment starts, I'm like, ooh.
These clips get me so jazzed.
I might get sick here in a second.
That's why I think you and I are team jeans. May I take this moment to just promote my lipsticks? This is a perfect moment. Go ahead, guys. Buy your lipsticks at ChristinaP.com. Today I'm wearing Madison, which is just like a light mauve sensation. And then I have Atomic Red, The Perfect Red, and Berlin. ChristinaP.com. Buy all four at the same time for your lady or for your gentleman.
Gentleman that wears lipstick. By the way, I'm working on a new piece of art.
It's really good. Look at that.
It's not buying her art.
No, it's taken on a life of its own. People are now sending us art based on my art, like famous art. Yeah, that's right. It's great.
Anyway, that was an amazing time with Stavros.
It was incredible. Soon after that, by the way, it finally happened. It was something that we were all anticipating. We didn't know if it would ever happen, and that's when Garth Brooks blocked me, finally, on Instagram. You, by the way, the great fans, the listeners, and viewers of this program, are the ones who got Garth to eventually go private on his...
He restricted all comments at some point because you literally took over all of his social media. Destroyed it. Destroyed it. Everywhere that it exists. Destroyed it. You destroyed it. It was incredible that it happened, but... It started with him blocking certain people, restricting comments. I got a few times where I had comments in there and, you know, they would get liked and commented on.
And then it just it all went to shit. He just refused to allow anybody in. He eventually it happened on Instagram. Then you guys went over, took over his Facebook, his Twitter. He basically realized there was nowhere safe. And so that was really exciting.
He's breaking down the walls between us.
He's breaking down the walls between you and me. And then he thought better of it. In episode 725, something which also is appropriate for this week, which is that we had Dan Soder on. Dan Soder is not just an incredible comedian, and he's super talented in many regards. He also does what many people think is the best impression of Dave Chappelle. Yes. He can actually, he really sounds like him.
Yes. And he just, he sounds like him, and he also has the, like, not just the cadence down, but he'll speak the way, like, things he would say. It's pretty fucking impressive. That's really cool. What's the, I haven't heard you do it, but you do a good Chappelle?
So that's all happening March 7th right here, YMHstudios.com.
These sketches, by the way, that we're doing for this YMH Live are, I think, the best we've ever done.
It is.
It's so good.
I did. Um, when I did, uh,
the what was it the after yeah the after party of the brady roast we went up to the lounge inside and we're in um what's it called what's the venue there the which one were you at the uh the forum we're in the forum yeah so we're at the forum club i guess and it's just it's the party and i see dave and he he's like he's like hey man you know let me get a cigarette i give it to him and i was like uh same kind of thing i was like we can smoke it here he was like
It's other level. I mean, we should just say who's going to be appearing. Dare we? Yeah, I think it's worth saying that we brought Tony John to town.
So I was like, yeah, cool. So I light one up with him. And then the bartender's like, you can't smoke here. And I was like, okay. And I just turned to Dave. I was like, they said we can't smoke here. And he was like, So I was like, I'll put this out when you put it out. He was like, I'll put it out when it's done. I was like, okay, cool. I was like, great. I smoked.
I like chuffed on that thing because I kind of felt bad because I was like, please. And then I just waited until he was done smoking.
Well, because there is a level of celebrity. Like you're going to tell Dave Chappelle.
It's the top tier level.
You're going to tell Dave. It's like you're going to tell Tom Cruise to put the cigarette out. Well, they kind of do.
That's the thing is the guy didn't tell Dave. He told me.
Yeah.
He's like, you can't smoke here. And I was like.
But that's why he's like, fuck, I don't give a shit. He's right there. Wow. And also watching that Dan Soder clip makes you realize like when you meet your idol, when you meet your hero, there is nothing cool to say. You cannot talk about how much you love them because it's not going to work. It's never going to work.
You have to talk about anything else except the shit that they've done as like an artist or whatever. You can't. You just can't. You can't dork out on them.
Yeah, but the cool thing is, though, that he actually has a great, he still has a great memory of it. Of course. Because you could have, I met my hero, and it's a fucking disaster, and that wasn't that.
Woo! Woo!
That's why I don't want to meet Robert Smith from The Cure.
But if you wanted to dress like Robert Smith.
So he came to town.
Oh, stop. I can't believe you would even want to see something like that. I mean, hey, he doesn't look good.
He does. He's still beautiful.
He came to Austin. He did. And did a sketch with us.
This is how women are different, though.
I love Robert.
is that you guys can still find someone attractive yeah even if it's not looking that great yeah you know why we have souls and we're not superficial i know you guys are the worst men are the worst yeah we are like i don't give a about her soul here's the worst what's up with that tits yeah let me leave this family and go bang a 20 year old yoga instructor see he's so hot he's cute
I love him. Forever. Forever. Okay. Love Robert Smith. That's what you want. Yep. Dude, he's so cool, too.
I get that he's cool. Yeah, he is cool.
He's rad. But I mean, I think he's a solid citizen, too. Is he wearing the perfect red? Of course he is. It was based on Robert Smith's red. The perfect red. I should send him some. Do you like his voice? Love his voice. Of course. What are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah, he's Robert Smith. He's like the father of all this. I love him. I love him.
He did. He came to town. And we also have. I'm just appreciating my cock and my balls. The great Will Blunderfeld. And he's a close friend. Yep.
He's definitely wearing a lot of lipstick there.
Yeah. Eyeliner. Adorable.
Of course. You want to see me in eyeliner?
Do I? Oh, for fuck's sake. I'd love to. Black eyeliner.
Let's move on. The next episode that I think is notable. Our former producer Nadav passed away. That was super sad. Yeah.
Yeah.
He was, I think, eating a dreidel. And then he just fell down.
Mm-hmm.
Rest in peace, Nadav.
I know. I miss him.
Look at those tits I used to have.
Yeah. I was at my house and I was like, why do I feel sad? This is weird. And I was really sad to lose Nadab. You've been in our lives like, yeah, since 2016, since the birth of our first child. But you were like our first retarded son.
We do have a lot of great memories of you. And we've actually put together a little video.
Wow.
I don't want to permanently hurt you.
Life partner.
You got a nice haircut.
Life coach.
I threatened to show you somebody getting very severely hurt.
The fun bit. You need some up dog. What's up, dog? Mosh, what's up with you, dog?
You want to kill him.
You deserve it all. The kicks, the screams, the blood.
Look, and he's having such a good time. Look how happy you made him.
That's what he says after he eats his cum, right? I'm shameless, I'm fearless, I'm doubtless.
That was pretty good. There he is. So many great moments with Nadav. So many good ones. My favorite part, I have two favorite memories about Nadav. Number one, that his favorite movie, like the movie he watches over and over, is Drumline.
Yeah, and I watched it just to see what all the big stink is.
It's not very good.
It's not a good movie. And I love Nick Cannon. I like the idea. It's stupid. Number two, remember when we were in the Reseda? It was during COVID. And it was hard to come by getting the vaccine. And you had to be a certain weight to be considered morbidly obese to get the vaccine early. And he was like, I'm working on my vaccine weight. I'm going to become morbidly obese to get the vaccine.
That is one of the times he says that.
Remember that? Yeah.
I'm in a gain phase right now.
That made me laugh so much. How are you doing? How's your weight? He's like, I'm almost there. God bless him. Rest in peace.
Rest in peace, Nadav. Another one that was fantastic, and I ended up meeting her, was remember the coffee girl? Of course.
Sweetest.
Oh my God. That was also in the last hundred where she came in here because we had read comments where people were, that's where hate from.
Let's just say we had a workshop with him. It's incredible. And on top of that, on top of all that, we have the one and only...
hate from Australia hate from all these places in the world that was just like unbelievable that we and then I actually she came to Austin she came in studio I went to the gym with her she was really really sweet and she's in Toronto um she has her her coffee business but that was um the sweetest yeah was it Caitlin Caitlin she's so sweet and her coffee's fantastic and she just made like sincere videos like
This is how I start my day. People were like, I hate you.
Waking up. Yeah. Just so sweet. So innocent.
It was really crazy, man.
Why Mix Live is so exciting. This is our first one in a while.
So this is like that vlog cadence that also people wanted to die with. Yeah. Please delete your account. He would say such mean shit to her, but she ended up being, of course, like the sweetest person.
The nicest. Probably one of the sweetest guests we've ever had. Hate from Australia. Yeah.
That was so funny.
She was delightful.
We had a run of some incredible guests that came in. Jesse Lee Peterson came in.
Oh, my God.
Then Gene Simmons. Yes. And then Will Blunderfelt.
Yes.
One of the coolest guys.
So many gets this year.
Oh, my God. It was just like.
Just like the gays.
Just like the gays.
How much fun was Gene Simmons, too? I mean, he really came.
If you love your penis, your self-esteem goes up. I mean, Will.
That's also true.
Will change my life. Like getting to meet him in person and feel his aura and to feel his love and presence. I just think he's such a special human being. He is a special human being. He's really amazing.
Charo.
Then... Shortly thereafter that, ICP came on. Now, one of the building blocks, the foundations of this show, if you don't know, is... You know what I'm saying?
And we have always done... You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Supercuts, right?
And these guys came in, or not these guys, sorry, at this time, wasn't it just the, was it both?
No, it was both. Shaggy.
That's right, because the first time it was just one. Yeah. Well, they came in and we got to do, after their appearance, maybe the super cut of super cuts.
Which was a, you know what I'm saying, super cut from these guys that was just unbelievable. They dropped so many, you know what I'm saying, that we had to...
spend hours going through this and putting together, by the way, this super cut of, you know, I'm saying doesn't even have all the, you know, I'm saying they had to like whittle it down just to get the proper, you know, I'm saying super cut going. So we have that for you.
Unbelievable.
Wow.
That was, yeah, that was really.
You know what I'm saying? Supercuts of, you know what I'm saying? Supercuts.
That's the best. I don't think you can make another one after that.
No, that episode was explosive. We also got that supercut, but don't forget, that's where we learned that going airtight is gay.
It is, according to some. To some. Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, airtight really was a thing that we really wanted to dig deep in. We've had conversations with people who had had threesomes, and we thought, what more could you want? And it turns out one more is what you want sometimes. And so some women opt for every hole to be plugged.
a crazy short film that we made. It's not even a sketch. It's a short film. It's the biggest one we've ever done, and we're super excited.
And through that conversation, it led to us meeting Airtight Abby. And Abby called into the show and she gave explicit details about her exploits. And she was a very adventurous person.
Was Abby the one where she went and she had sex with all the black guys?
That's the one. On the team? Yeah. That is the one.
That was wild.
Then she told another story that kind of made us all sad. But yeah, I think she met a guy at the club and she took him back to the...
or went back to his place and then eventually people started walking out of their of the apartment and they're like can i get in on this she was sure but airtight abby was was yeah it was really it was such a cool story because you and i couldn't believe that people did it in real life yeah because it sounded it sounds like such you know adult film like yeah like just a fantasy you know not real who gets to do that she was like no i did it i did it this generation boy they get it all they
get it all airtight abby airtight really really sweet girl um i had the opportunity to meet her and um you did you don't remember that no oh yeah i didn't yeah you didn't go airtight on her no i didn't i didn't know yeah there was an option to meet her somewhere and i did it yeah you're like no thanks no i i believe you said no thanks
I was like, don't you meet airtight Abby.
Yeah, that's how that went.
How dare you? Just a jealous lady.
No. I'm sure she's a sweetheart, by the way.
But the best moment with these two, the ICP guys are the best. Yeah, I was like, you guys don't go airtight with each other? And he's like, what? Hell no, that's gay. Such a good moment.
There's so many crazy things that happen, obviously, over these years. But another thing... We had our suspicions, but we learned that our very own technical director, Eni, is a really high-level sociopath. I don't know if I'd describe it like that. Fartgate 2024 was such a revelation. I've never seen...
And of course, I always have to remind people, and I'm happy to do it. A lot of people worry because it's called YMH Live. They're like, what if I can't be there live? You can still watch the show after the original live version. If you get a ticket, you could watch it Saturday, Sunday, the next week. It's viewable for you anytime.
Like the episodes of the first 48 that I've seen all made more sense when he was pressed with a crime because he was so believable. It was just insane. And it turned out he was just a huge fucking liar.
He's a liar. And he's a good liar. Good one. Because I was siding with him for years. I've been on any side. Not anymore, bro. That's not nice. Fool me once. I did nothing. I know.
I was like, man, what does Chad have against him? Like, it was just crazy to me. And what Chad had against him is that, and he's a fucking liar.
He's a liar. And Chad was right. Chad was just being an honest, good boy.
And the whole staff was like, yeah. And he was like, man, these motherfuckers are all lying.
Yeah. Do you realize we have him on tape farting and then he has the audacity to deny it to his bosses and then to millions of people who watch this program. That is other level sociopathy.
Which is exactly why you're employee of the month.
And he also, he did this crazy reveal.
You belong here.
Where like, remember the video played? And I thought we were going to.
Yeah. Exonerate him.
Yes. And it was just like, ha ha, I got you guys.
Well.
This guy is nuts.
He's out of his fucking mind.
I don't know who made that shit, man.
It's ridiculous. Okay, we don't believe you.
Didn't he bring it up at the Christmas party, Tom?
Denying it to your face right now?
It's not that good.
Is this when we first saw this video? Is that what this is?
The surveillance?
The surveillance or his reveal? This is his reveal. Okay. Okay. Yeah, let's see. I forgot some of it, actually.
Yeah, blocked it out. Traumatic.
It's just if you want to be there live as it happens, it's going to be 7.30 p.m. Central on March 7th.
Hey, you're talking over the video, man. Is that real?
What happened there, Eni?
You know what?
Okay, but you did hear yourself in there.
It's amazing. It's a maze. It's a maze.
Yeah, but Your Honor, I feel like because we didn't see the conversation, and he has a good point, anybody can go... He could just play a fart. Yeah, and then he could have had them be actors and create a moment.
Maybe he wrote the script and then they recorded it over a black screen.
You ready to start the show? Of course. All right, here you go.
But that wasn't Cougar. If you watch this and you don't immediately have more respect for what law enforcement goes through. They have to deal with this shit all the time. Yeah.
Like he lies. Professionals. No, no, I know. That's part of being a good criminal is lying. And postscript to this whole thing. Now, any apparently just farts with reckless abandon.
All the time. Yeah. Do you even take credit for the farts now?
We had it on tape. Get me on live.
It's compulsive. Yeah. He cannot help himself with the lies. You can't help yourself, can you, you sicko? fart gate was um it was fart gate and then the lying about what the bet was on the last thing we talked about like oh he said it was 10 or any amount of money oh then this is him right here just going yeah like where is that that ain't my house that ain't what my house looks like
Wow.
He's like, the level of disrespect, man. What's this accent? Hey, yo.
Hey, yo.
He's like, hey, man.
Hey, man.
We disrespect brother like that. Shit ain't nice. This is crazy.
this reminds that right there that yeah what we just saw yeah if that doesn't remind you of presumed innocent the incredible debut of edward norton as an actor with richard gear where he's accused of killing that priest and then you and he's like he's all you know yeah the whole movie and at the end he's like i convinced them all didn't i and you're like oh my god it was exactly like that give him his oscar
Give him his Oscar or just sentence him to 25 years in prison because that's a fucking career criminal right there.
What is he doing in his off time? Don't you think if he's lying this much to his employers?
He's probably doing foot job review videos. I don't know. It's just crazy. Crazy.
Yep. Typical. Typical. Typical. Typical what? Typical any. Lies.
Oh, shit. Hey, I stood up for you. You saw it on tape.
You were part of the bit?
Oh, eventually, yeah. He admitted it. Sorry, I forgot to tell you that part.
Yeah, what up now, bro?
Because I was like, Annie, they're totally, because this is off camera. I was like, Annie, they're totally ganging up on you. Is this true? Like, I was so doe-eyed, and I came up to him, and he was like, yeah, farted. And I was like, what? And I was shattered. Right? Do you remember that day? I was fucking shattered.
You were smiling. I was shattered. I was heartbroken. And then I was like, let's keep fucking with Tom now.
You just remembered right now.
Cool.
Just like that time when you left town and I put a hole in the wall to get the hamster out of the wall that was behind you at dinner. It's two sneaky things I did this year to you.
And then there's Chris Larson's video came in.
Cheers. He's the only Pepsi guy here.
Yeah. Crazy. Nobody likes Pepsi except for Chris. It's so funny.
He loves Pepsi.
You got free will. You can do that. Those are big gulps, too.
Yeah, but I would see people like him in radiation. They don't hold up very well after treatment for these things. You don't want to start your life that way.
It's crazy. You know, we've been sharing those haircut things.
Oh my gosh, you and I have been passing each other these videos, these awful haircut videos.
You know Andy Milonakis, right?
Yes, of course.
So he's been around forever. He still looks 13 or whatever. He's done a lot of funny shit, but I saw this.
He's in Italy.
So wait, so he's in Italy, clearly walks into a place, tells him what he wants. Hold on.
And he thought it was a lady.
Get it, Tom.
Sucks so bad. Oh my god. That's all you can do.
Mom Segura.
That made me laugh. That's the worst haircut. Fuck. That's the worst. That's so bad. It's terrible. It's the sad lady shut it down fucking haircut. It's the shut it down menopause cut. This is why I stick with the same hairdresser, Alan Martinez. Shout out for the last fucking 20 some years. You know, one time when I was in England, I couldn't see Alan. And I went in to get a haircut.
And I was like, just like a bob. Like, I've always had a bob. Just give me like a shorter bob, okay? Yeah. This fucking cunt rag.
cut my hair like meow like the like so like a mushroom meow like this fucking short the thing you don't realize until you see it horrible how much hair informs it's everything like this looks like a sad lady right like that's what he looks like now he didn't know that was a boy it's really crazy he didn't know that was like a gentleman no he didn't he had no idea he gave him the prettiest old lady bellissima you are sexy still don't let anybody tell you you are not
But also very rare that they straighten out curly hair unless you say, I want straight hair. He's naturally wavy. Yeah. They should have cut the hair wavy. That's crazy. Okay. God, that's so upsetting.
You remember a few weeks ago we were all, the whole world was really taken by this, right?
uh hitler hell and the nazis i i really don't think that he was uh because i honestly think that hitler was a good guy based upon my own research not my own it's always your own research i didn't fucking listen to it so he's yeah we were all like this is the last we're gonna see of bryce mitchell it's not thank god he is out there and uh Keep going, Bryce.
The best thing is that this begins with what you believe is addressing this video, right?
A helicopter can't fly around that far. I don't understand what this fucking hillbilly is saying.
Easy money given for jobs. I would do that for cash. That's easy.
It's cool that his little kid gets to hear this stuff, too. What a lucky baby.
He's going to get that firsthand education.
You know, you've got to do your own research, Tom.
It's always good when somebody leads with that.
Your own research.
Have you done your own research?
Like what? Just internet stuff? Like weird articles?
Nothing about life on Earth makes me think that it's round or rotating.
Why are they so against the Earth being round? What is that?
Because they told us that.
The scientists? Yeah.
Just trying to get us to fucking believe stupid shit.
Is it anti-Christian or something? The Earth being round?
He said the devil at one point.
Oh, so Satan's in charge of the roundness of things, of the earth. Is that what it is? Maybe. That's so weird. I don't know why they don't.
He's so content though. That's the thing about being dumb.
Yeah.
That is like, it's really, I think, satisfying.
It's enviable.
You believe your own dumb thoughts and then you're so pleased with yourself.
I know.
You know?
I thought about that for my whole life.
Yeah.
If I could just be a little dumber, how much happier I'd be.
You. Or maybe a. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep.
He's not the brightest guy, but yeah.
Oh, and it says the earth is a circle. Isaiah 40, verse 22, whatever. Made with a compass. Yeah. Laid upon a face which is bounded as it ends. It does not move and is covered by a dome. So this is like the biblical conception of cosmology, whatever. It's silly, though. This is...
So easy.
that's my own research i hate everything do your own research do your own research try your own diagrams dummy do your own research that's that's kind of like the that's usually like the first thing that people who um are really dumb
Yeah, they do their own research. I do my own research. What are you talking about? Anyway, I can't. I can't, Tom. Can we switch topics here for a moment?
I think it is Stevie.
Do your own research. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He also had this. This is another one.
Nobody.
Maneuverability. It's crazy too when someone this dumb is this good at fighting because he can kick 99% of people's asses on earth. So it's like you could argue with like the dumbest fucking guy you've ever met and then he could just kill you.
Yeah. Yeah. But that's because God only gives you one or two talents tops. You can't be all things. You got to choose one or two lanes and just stay in your lane.
Yeah.
You shouldn't be a podcaster if you're this stupid. You really can't.
Well, I'm glad that he's putting this out there. For us, yes. I feel like this is going to be a real well of information.
If he continues, Pike.
I think he's going to.
If he gets sponsors.
The engagement is going to be, it has to be crazy for him. Sure. Of course, it's not that positive, but yeah. You do see, though, that a lot of people are on board with him. I know. There are people who are like, fuck yeah, people trying to tell you that Earth rotates. Fucking bullshit.
Well, good for him.
Stop, drop, and roll. What if the car rolls? Is he driving like the Jeep with no doors? I don't fucking know. Is that what he's thinking about? I don't know. You got to tuck and roll. But, oh, I wanted to get to this so we don't run out of time. Yeah. Because it is a timely topic, and I wanted to go there because the mom world... is ablaze with the new Ilaria Hillary Baldwin.
My favorite thing is a young person going, like, this is some things I'll put out. Like, this is your digital footprint.
Alec Baldwin show.
Alec Baldwin show on TLC. Now, I haven't watched a full episode, but I thought we could go through some of the footage. I mean, look how handsome he was when they started together.
Dating, yeah. A while ago, yeah.
Yeah.
Seven.
What?
How many nannies?
Oh, a little Latin there.
Together.
Together.
Forever.
We're solid and we're here, pero together.
Somos juntos.
He looks like hot dog shit.
Yeah, I mean, he doesn't look the same. He's also, how old is Alec Baldwin? He's got to be in his 60s, right?
No pun intended. Like, yeah, I got a couple foot jobs recently. And you just do an online review of them for people.
At least. But he was, can I tell you about the great tragedy? He's 66. He's 66 years old. I know, but the great tragedy is how hot he was. I mean, I had such a crush on him as a teenage girl. He's a movie star. The Marrying Man, I think. Look him up in that movie, The Marrying Man.
Look at Alec Baldwin, 1989, 1990.
Oh my God. Yeah, dude. Him with Kim Basinger, Basinger, the two of them were together.
That's right.
God damn, couldn't there be a more attractive couple?
Yeah, he's a very good looking guy.
Stunning.
He played Jack Ryan. Right. With his scarf. This is so cute.
I know. All the Baldwins are hot.
Good looking guys, man.
And then I think having seven kids on top of this accident thing must have just aged him in dog years.
And he's really good, by the way. Not just a good looking guy. He's a really good actor. Yeah. He's done, oh, of course, Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice. My favorite. And he's got a great voice, that gravel voice. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, because is the community so vast and various that they need a reviewer? It's not like buying a car.
He narrates on that Wes Anderson, the Tenenbaums. Look at that chest. Hairy chest. Oof. That's a man right there. Yeah, dog.
I'm looking right underneath it. It says Alec Baldwin mistaken as a hobo. You know what that is? That's life. That's how life actually goes. There's a certain link that says hottie Alec, and this one says mistaken as a hobo.
Mistaken as a hobo. Yeah, he's got it rough. There he is with Kim Basinger in the 80s. Wow. What a beautiful couple.
You can't judge the guy for his looks at 66. I can.
All right. I can.
I mean, I know, but he's 66.
I just think it's bad life decisions. I think that having seven children would age anybody. Well, of course it would. It's not cool. It's too many kids.
I don't know why you keep having that many kids.
It's too many.
I know, it's insane.
And by the way, how many nannies do they have? Give me a fucking break that it's just the two of them. The 66-year-old dad and her. What can a 66-year-old dad contribute? He can't do shit.
Yeah. He looks like he's fucking 19. I know. He's going to go in for an interview at some point where he'll be like, are you the foot job review guy?
It's basically grandpa.
Of course. It's too much. Yeah. yeah he came to play so my friend my mom friend we're all gonna nap that's what's gonna happen in that oh my god alex dreadful reality show is a new low for tv fucking a man yeah but that you know but they they don't like the good stuff we do like my husband is not gay they probably low reviewed that show too i'm ssa They don't know what they're talking about.
Don't listen to these motherfuckers. So anyway, my mom friends were texting me. Would you like to hear their review?
Yeah.
Let me show you what my friend fucking... What are the moms saying out there? In the mom world... Okay, because we keep up on the Ilaria. I watched it yesterday. It's on Max. You have to watch. There are babies crawling up on tables, kids running around screaming. It's a madhouse. It's a madhouse. It's got to be.
And then my other mom friend was saying there's this part of the episode where he's complaining to Ilaria that... she's the one in charge of getting the kids going. She's in control of the kids. And he's like, I used to have a say in how the kids were. I don't have a say anymore. And she's like, well, yeah, I'm the mom. And I fucking agree. It's like, go work, go make the money.
Let me deal with the kids. Because dads are not wired for that shit.
I agree.
What meds does Juju need to take it?
Yeah, right. Whatever you say.
What size are Juju's pants? 16. You don't know shit.
I know.
And that's just most dads. It's just our generation, especially Alec Baldwin's generation. He don't know shit about the kids.
Yeah.
Let him go to work.
Yeah.
And let the fake Latin lady run the house.
Or even a lady. Yeah. Maybe a dating person down the road is like, what the fuck?
Okay.
Women are better at that stuff.
I agree. I agree.
Guys, this is not for men.
Not for straight guys. That's the company. You run that company.
That's right. I think the traditional way is fine. Unless you have some fucking beta cuck husband. He doesn't want all that to say.
Nobody fucks. Men don't want to do it. No. He doesn't want to raise the kids.
People had asked, by the way, they wanted to know the update for the woman hitting my car.
Oh, my God.
And I just wanted to tell you, without getting into too much detail, it's being taken care of. Okay? Stupid bitch. And by that, I don't mean that I'm letting it go. I'm not letting it go, and that's how it's being taken care of. Don't you dare.
So what is this, so we did make some, I don't know if you want to say it or not, but we made a little bit of progress in your investigation of Brigitte Macron. And do you want to say that we reached out?
Why did you feel compelled to post this?
You say it.
Well, we reached out.
To Brigitte.
No.
Just kidding. To Candace Owens.
Who you said is like the leader in this story.
Of course. This is Candace Owens' big moment right now. She is exposed. Brigitte Macron. And as you know, Candace is pregnant right now. So I think flying in might not be doable for her. But we're arranging a Zoom interview so she can fill us in on this Brigitte Macron thing. And I'm telling you, the Macrons are panicking. They're sending her, you know, hundred letter threats and all this.
It is real. And none of them being like, hey, Brigitte is a woman. Stop saying that. That's not true. They're not even trying to call her out on that. It's very exciting stuff.
Please do not use gendered language. I miss all that.
We'll find out what the real story is here. Yeah, it's huge. Yeah.
That's what happened. So hopefully we'll get the full story soon.
But just let us say this now as we wrap up, that it has been the most fun, I think, of our careers that we've gotten to do this show. I never want to stop doing YMH. There's... This is episode 800, and I hope we're doing 800 more of these.
It's been a lot of fun. And thank you, you guys, for making this possible. Thank you so much. This started as a silly dream in our little house in Silver Lake with a neighbor that made smelly food through the walls. Yeah. And we've moved it to every house we've been to, and you guys have come with us, and we really appreciate that. It's been amazing. Quite a ride.
It's been amazing. We look forward to doing it more, and hopefully we'll see many of you on March 7th. YMHstudios.com, YMH Live is back, and we'll see you soon.
Well, that's cool. Also, I'll say this. His analogy was fantastic.
Yes. Squid or octopus.
You're like, this is not the normal thing I do.
Well, he was saying, too, that the older broad has calluses, which definitely that adds up. It's just inevitable over time. Yeah. You know, but how does she get the grip with the feet? Practice.
You just got to practice.
That's what I'm wondering is how do you get a firm grip with the middles of your feet? Yeah.
I'll show you. So anyway, it's cool that I have a feeling this is just my assumption here. Yeah. This is not the only review this man has left. It may be worth exploring what other reviews he puts. There's no way he's just like living life and decided this is a one off.
No, no, no.
This person probably has a bunch of cool reviews.
It's really risky to put it out there at 19. It's pretty young. He's young. He's not at the end of his life where he's made his money.
Yeah. The young not realizing what they're doing. So this is one lane where he's obviously talking about busting nuts. Here's another way that you could be young and kind of ruin things.
What's everybody? It's time for the 800th episode of Your Mom's House. Woo! Woo!
We're thankful for you for being a viewer, a supporter of the show.
We're listening.
See, that sets you up for life. Yeah. This exists forever.
Yeah, it's a good one.
It's a good one to put out there.
That's a good one. Because, you know, in the 90s, maybe every now and then you'd meet a rando like that. Yeah. And you're like, that guy's just fucked up. And then you talk about it for years.
Yeah.
But this.
Yeah, you'd be like, remember the guy?
Remember that guy that called you an animal? And then you'd be like, this guy.
This is the guy.
Here, let me pass this around. I know.
And his life is over. his employment possibilities, his whole career trajectory. His life is done. It's so fucking done.
Fucking Bryce. Border hopper niggas. Bryce just destroyed his future. And he probably had a good one because he's wearing a nice polo button-up.
That might be a work. That looks like it's an actual, it's not like a choice from his closet. He might have been working this event. Just check up. Tied one on. Yeah.
Isn't that wild? That's so many genes.
Like when his boss was like, whoa, wait a minute. What are you doing? What, bitch?
Wow. And not only that, I will say. He had a lot of notes. Yes. And what's really interesting is that he pulled out Beaner, which is old school. That's old school, yeah. So somebody older than him is training him is what I'm thinking.
It's so crazy, man.
The kids for today, they don't really know that. They don't know Beaner. No.
You goddamn beaners.
He comes from a cool line of people.
Right. His mom and dad are saying this crap to him.
We found 800 different ways to talk about brown, injuries, cool guys.
Yeah, it's not just him, man.
It's pretty cool. Ooh, 1444? Yeah. What? This is so stupid.
He had it all. He got Hitler. Wow. He said, you fat bitches. Bitches, yeah. What's up, bitch? And he said to kill people, to slice their throats. I thought he was going to be like, you know why you should slice your throats to the border? This Mexican food is delicious. I thought he was going to turn it to the food.
Which is true.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, he's hearing this speech from dad, I think, or uncle.
Somebody our age is training him. Taking our job.
The taking our jobs speech.
It's the stupidest thing ever.
The oldest, dumbest, most fucking ignorant speech of all.
It really is. They're not.
Coming here, taking the jobs we want.
The gardening jobs. The landscaping.
Did you want to pick strawberries? You realize that these people are willing to work 18 hours a day and not complain for all this shit. It's unbelievable. I know.
So amazing.
But the problem is this guy never knew any beaners. You know what I mean? He didn't grow up around Mexicans the way that I did, you did in Latin culture. He has no respect for them.
Mental illness.
No, he has no respect.
No knowledge. He doesn't know any Mexicans.
That's true.
The country club he grew up in, he never met them.
He didn't. He's going to get to know some now. He's going to have a whole new life experience now.
You know, one good thing about... Are you the guy?
They're going to go, are you the guy that said... Goddamn border hopper niggers.
800 episodes?
Is that you? Is that you? I was going to say that the one bright spot about MAGA and Donald Trump returning to office is that now these cool clips are resurfacing.
Sexual things. Yeah. It's pretty cool.
Of a lot of Hitler clips, a lot of, you know, get them out of the country, they're taking our job clips. Those are really surfacing up now.
It's making people poke their chest out again.
Getting comfortable.
So today, yeah, this marks the 800th time we've done this podcast.
Well, get comfortable with it. You're gonna have a whole cool bunch of things happen in your life. It's fun that you're young enough that you get to experience a full life now. A full life. Yeah. So anyway, there's so many cool things to review and talk about. One of the things we were going to do is talk about some of the best moments of the last 100 episodes.
One of the first things that comes to mind is episode 704. This is when Ryan and Eni challenged each other to basketball.
Do you remember? I remember how... I couldn't believe how competitive Eni was. You really dug deep. First of all, you were one of the only black guys I ever knew that was like, I'm not good at basketball. I didn't play. It wasn't my obsession growing up. Why is that, Eni? Yeah, well, that's my other half talking.
That's amazing.
Right. But then you were like, I cannot let my black half down. Exactly.
Which I can't even wrap my head around that.
It's just so many episodes. It's a blur.
It's a blur. Yeah. It's been through really... huge part of our life I mean that's all of it we've been doing this roughly 15 years now so this was like we were we were we were married but we had just gotten married yeah basically we were in an apartment in Silver Lake just took us through we've had two kids I know family deaths yep we've had so many we've moved homes we've moved states
I think what Ryan was saying was that he didn't claim to play on a college team. It was that he played basketball in college. In other words, not for the school, but it was just part of his... You mean like
Yeah, yeah, like pickup games.
He's talking to nobody.
Moose soup. That's a deep cut right there. Moose soup.
Dang. That's great. Thank you so much. That really was outstanding. Really great.
And you have to get happy birthday in there.
But that was incredible. I mean, look, if you guys are afraid to do the accent, we understand. Maybe can we open it up to any accent of your choice?
But what always gets me about homeless guy gets by gay ghost is his level of passion.
Because he did kind of descend into Australian.
You just have to get a happy birthday.
No.
Yeah, you can do Canadian, eh? It's super easy.
Or you can do it as a Larry Baldwin. How do you say?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, static. Well, also, it's contingent on our moon cycles as well. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know what I mean?
I got it.
He's going to put my taco in my ass?
Yeah. That's, this is an example. Yeah.
But I do feel my younger in my twenties. Nigga, I'm not.
I think you're going to have a stroke.
I'm great. I just want to make a little announcement before we go forward that Valentine's Day is is fast approaching and gentlemen yeah you should definitely get your lady the perfect four you get all four of my lipsticks in one one parcel go to christinap.com and buy it now right before valentine's day perfect timing absolutely yeah don't compliment that bitch just buy her a gift you know
But is he saying it deliberately, the wrong name?
How you doing, baby?
Play it again. I want to hear it. Is it N-word Minaj or is it Nicki Minaj?
Hold on. This could be our whole new thing of what is he saying.
Yeah.
One more? Once more? Okay.
Hold on, hold on. I really want to hear it.
Jean, I have Shopify, the app on my phone. All weekend long, I could see when I was selling my lipsticks. It's so cool.
He's on fire.
But there's only two genders now, which is so boring. I know. We've got to change our bathroom now.
I miss that. Oh, there's my ads. I'm so excited. There's all kinds of new photos up on my website you're going to see for this lipstick company. It's just too exciting.
Who is that?
Beautiful. Well, I liked she brought up the Romani people, which.
But then she lumped in the Romani with the Creoles, which I thought, are Creole people, are they discriminated against? Oh, maybe. I didn't realize they're. They're marginalized in some way. Are they marginalized, the Creoles? I don't know. I really didn't think of them as it feels like a question for Nicki Minaj.
Yes. But but I don't know. And I worry because I worry that she has left out some people. Oh, you know, like how do you cover all your your your bases here?
I'm upset. I don't know. I'm sure the comments are like, you forgot.
Hawaiian.
Yes.
Hold on. Let me go there with you because I agree. Wait, what's worse, sir? This broad. Because let's round out her personality. You think she's just super lefty and super duper like, I'm vegan, I don't eat gluten.
And she's got the flags on her lawn. That part really gets me. Playing the chest as an instrument. Hold on, isn't that appropriation? That's like a Native American.
You can't say anything remotely offensive.
Oh, boy.
But hold on. Is it her or like born-again Christian who's always talking about Jesus?
Wow.
What?
Yeah.
What if it's the Denver airport guy?
Panties and diamonds?
Okay, really? Yeah. But he's talking about conspiracies and the Denver airport looks like a phallic symbol. Do we have him here? Obama and the three things on the flag.
Yeah, he is. The videos tab.
Vote for Donald. Remember, he was really high.
I disagree, Tom. I disagree. I like, can I tell you why? Here's why. This is a lot of accoutrement. Okay. It's kind of like a standup comic that needs props. Like he needs the background with Donald. He needs this little keyboard. That woman was out in the snow with nothing but snow in her chest. Yeah.
I think sophistication, the woman, the indigenous people rap. Also, I think she's more sophisticated. Sorry. That's that's insane.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
That's really exciting. But unfortunately, I mean, I don't know if he's changed his booking policy, but last time, if he didn't have a mansion, he wasn't going to do house visits.
I mean, you want to have dinner with this? Fuck yes. Will you please pass the maple syrup? I mean, you can't with him. I would be enamored. Nonsense.
Have we? We've been trying.
You know who we should check in on?
You know who we should check in on, too, is a pig with tits.
Yeah, Norm. I wonder what he's into these days. Will you look into him, Josh? I'm so curious.
Oh, fuck. I would hang out with Norm Somerton over the third eagle of the apocalypse. Yeah, he's a good time. He's such a good time.
Yeah, is that just from those suction cups?
That's so crazy. I didn't realize you could just do that. Dude, he just straight up made those tits. Or is he taking hormones too?
It's just the suction.
You need a strong base. I feel like Burt Kirshner would be an ideal candidate for tit cups. Don't you feel like he's got a good base coat of tit meat, probably? Oh, yeah. And then it would just take six or eight hours, like you said. And he's got D-cuts.
Yeah. Okay. All right. Vote for the Donald.
I know. Hold on.
Well, because they are thieving con artists. Well, they teach their kids to steal and rob and be scumbags. It's a horrible culture. Horrible culture. Yeah. It's a horrible culture. Yeah. It truly is. I've seen the show about them, the gypsies. Remember my big gypsy wedding?
Romney shale.
They are. But the Romany shills here are, okay, let me just tell you why I got a little problem with them. They do teenage brides. Remember those girls?
Yeah, like guys.
yeah comes home to a clean trailer yeah yeah that's the highest aspiration a woman can have is to clean the trailer and get married at 14 yeah and then we're gonna have the biggest fucking wedding you've ever seen yeah and her dress is gonna be bling blinked remember that that was like the big thing is that it's shiny dress that's so sad like that's the highlight of your life look what he's wearing with the hat sideways at his wedding that's cool I know somebody one time put our faces on that one that's pretty funny yeah that's a good one yeah
I'm Romany Shale and they're always fighting and drinking. Look at his vest. His sleeveless vest.
I'm a princess. I'm a blinged out. Yeah, because you're like 12 years old and you still have this fantasy of being a... But I don't know if your Eastern Bloc are gypsies. They don't do this kind of shit. No, no, no. That's what I'm saying. This is like an American version of it.
Yeah, rotten gypsies.
Yeah. Well, and also, we were in Italy, and I think to our driver, I was like, oh, what do you call gypsies? And he was like, whoa, whoa, you're not allowed to say gypsy anymore. And I go, you can't even say gypsy? What are they?
They're like Romany, right? The Romany people, blah, blah, blah.
Thank you. Well, you know, everybody, we covered it on this show, that Hungary was the first to really ban the study of multigenderism and transgenderism and all this stuff. Looks like our country followed suit. There's only two genders officially now.
Well, it looks like we're going that way.
Yeah, well, we're doing it too.
Yeah. Cool. Vote for the Donald. Now it's in my head. You're right. You're right. The vote for the Donald song is a real banger.
Can I tell you what I, well, you do know what I've been doing.
And yeah,
okay yeah tell me all right are you ready yeah we'll tell the audience so you know when you go through a traumatic event like i did with cancer you i don't know my shrink told me like you go back and you look at your fucking your traumas like your past stuff and you re you reprocess things right yeah so i it is puke season right this is norovirus time we're in it and i was starting to get
Real phobic, again, of puking, of vomit. To the point around Christmas, I was getting real nervous. The emetophobia was bad. I was fixating on it. Are the kids going to puke? Is this going to happen? So... I've been in treatment for my phobia of vomiting and it's been like a three week to a month long process.
Well, I'll explain usually what happens with people when you have a phobia. It's an irrational fear of something that at some time Your wires got crossed at some point in your life and you made a causal relationship between vomiting and like the worst thing happening in your life, right? So around the time when I was a little kid, lots of shit going on.
I puke and in my childlike brain, I conflate the two things, vomiting and like the worst thing happening in your life.
Exactly, exactly. So like, okay, so I've been working with this new therapist and I think I've turned a corner because I was watching a movie the other night and I watched somebody puke. No, it was the witch show, the Mayfair Witches, and the dude puked. And I was like, Tom, I just watched that person puke.
And I didn't feel a fucking thing. And so I'm ready to be put to the test. I'm ready. And as you guys know, for many years, I've been very afraid of watching puke.
Let me just get my mantra because I'm programmed to think certain things, okay? Okay. I'm supposed to be indifferent to puke. You say I'm indifferent. I don't hate it. I don't love it. It's kind of a neutral reaction. That's the word. It's I'm indifferent. That's unpleasant. That's unpleasant. And that's what I say to myself. That's unpleasant. That's unpleasant.
It's like any other body function. Okay, hold on. Yeah, I'm ready. I'm fucking. Okay. Here we go. I'm going to go. Let's go. Let's fucking. What's that movie? The guy's eyes are open with the toothpicks. Clockwork Orange. Clockwork Orange, yeah.
I'm ready. Okay. Is she pregnant? I did it. I'm indifferent. I'm indifferent. Ew.
That sucks that there are kids in the back. All right. That's so much. Okay, now I'm getting a little uncomfortable.
All right. I just, the repeatedness of it. That was funny.
I think the repeatedness of the first one spooked me. That was like silly. Babe, here. Try.
An egg. He threw an egg. That's not cool. Okay, so that doesn't bother me.
Guys, this is huge. that's an unpleasant thing yeah that's like a body function like anything else it's unpleasant his laughing was very contagious though that was fun right I liked her sound actually I was laughing at her going he was laughing so hard
Can you congratulate me? No, this is great.
I'm not even sweaty. Feel the palm. Feel it. I'm usually fucking, I'm cold because it's freezing in here, but I'm not.
Hold on, can I just talk about why I didn't like the first one a little bit? Sure, yeah. Because it was like, it happened, it happened, and I think her kid being there, and then I could see her
and then i i sympathized with it because i was like oh god now i feel like puking watching her puke yeah so i don't know it was so much of fear yeah as oh god now i feel like puking is that but that's what normal people get right like yeah if you see like if someone pukes around you in real life a lot of people i get triggered by that someone vomiting i feel like like you because i started to feel my stomach lurch because i was sympathizing yeah yeah that could happen for sure
But Tom, I'm really fucking.
This has been, just so you guys know, like weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks of therapy and therapy and therapy. And every night I have to like listen to this.
I listen to the programming and I've been like.
Fuck. Oh, no. I don't like watching him feel it.
The buildup, I don't like this. I don't like this. No? No. Because I'm sympathizing. Cut it off? Because I start to feel it.
But I'm not afraid of it. I just start to feel sick myself.
But it's a distinction because in the past it was just terror.
Yeah.
No, I can go on to the next.
I don't want to... Well, hold on. Let's just do it. I'm going to Clockwork Orange it. Fuck it. All right.
Yeah. Oh, I mean, this is unpleasant. This isn't just an unpleasant body function. I'm indifferent. I feel neutral. What is it that he's eating? It's like canned fish. Oh, I don't like that. Oh, I don't like that. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. I don't like the lead up. Let's go to the next one. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. He's already puked.
Oh, my God. I'm laughing. I've never laughed.
It's so much, too.
And he's trying to be discreet. He's like, hold on, I'm coughing. What would you do, though, if you had to puke this much in public?
Is he just drunk? Is he too drunk?
It looks like beer.
Yeah, because I'm not seeing a lot of food. I'm just seeing like, it looks like.
That one's for Tommy. That was for you, bro.
Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.
That was disgusting, though, that he sucked it out of the kids. That's just gross anyway.
Oh, God.
Nice. He's so good at marketing. So fantastic. And if you haven't tried his strawberries with ranch, do yourself a favor and get on that now.
Okay, that actually makes me laugh. Look, he's making fun of you, Sean. Oh, my God. Yeah, enough already. How much are you going to go, Tom? Ugh. Are you listening to Nicki Minaj?
Ugh. Yeah, you're too hot. You're overheated. More? You're going to go back for seconds? Jesus. Yeah, your head is red. Beet red.
Yeah, I know. I got it.
I'm watching. I know. My eyes are open. I'm not freaking out. Hey, I'm not freaking out. I don't like it. It's unpleasant. Ugh. He's such a shit bird. Hey, you know what? I fucking did it, dude.
Right? No, I did it. Hello, can you guys clap for me? I fucking conquered my phobia. That was huge. 48 years of severe emetophobia. I just watched clips.
It was unpleasant.
But the world didn't end. I didn't feel like climbing out of my fucking skin.
Okay.
Oh, I thought you said there's more to watch.
Are you kidding me? This is just the beginning. Yeah. Like, I mean, I don't, like, again, I don't feel terrified like I did in the past. It's unpleasant to watch. Like, Niana, was it how Niana felt preparing the clips? Like, is she a metaphobic, too, or just...
um i think it just kind of grossed her out right like you just feel like oh if i watch this long enough i will puke too yeah that's so weird let's just do something funny oh no no to balance out of this you swear yeah oh you're gonna play more puke oh a forklift definitely not america Oh, shit. Homie, you got fucked up, bro. Fuck.
whoa can i tell you what went what went wrong here yeah i think the object is too the fucking the object is too tall to be on a forklift pallet there is no pallet by the way the speed with which that hit him can we see it again
Oh.
Is it?
Okay. And they're trying to like use a forklift? Yeah. Well, look where we are.
Not a good idea, boys.
This looks like Kyrgyzstan.
This is definitely a stand. Yeah, yeah. Fuck. And everybody's standing around.
Panties and diamonds?
No, it's okay. I don't need to hear it.
Yeah. Oh, shit. I hate these, dude. I fucking hate these. I hate...
Of course, that's what happens at these.
For sure. But that's the artist he is.
MMA or this Muay Thai?
I saw it at a UFC fight. Hold on, can I brush my hair? I just feel like brushing, it's like too crunchy.
Right? Yeah. It's like softer looking.
It's just a good color too. Alan Martinez. Shout out. Always, homie. Always. Same guy I've been going to for fucking 30 years. That's pretty crazy. He's my homie.
What?
Fuck. He's not good.
Yeah.
Was that an e-bike? It sounded like.
Guys, we have so many good things on this episode. Oh, my God.
Oh.
Yeah, but everything broke before he hit it. Did you see it all?
Okay, is it just that this guy is like a tree climbing adult?
That gave me the chills. That sucks. He thought he was going to jump from a tree 60 feet into river water. That's just inherently not a good idea.
Oh, he wanted to jump to another tree? Yeah. Or did he want to jump into the water?
What, like squirrels? He can't just do that. People don't do that.
She probably has like a hunch, like a hump, right? Isn't that usually a fat pad or like? I don't know. I don't know. Ah! Ah!
This nurse is flossing on her patient and then just wiped her mouth on the patient's hand. Yeah. Flossing over this patient. Okay. Insane. It's insane. Well, what's crazy is who's filming her. Is it the visitor?
Right. And you're doing this in front of the visitor and the patient?
You're an animal, dude.
What an animal.
Oh, my God. This poor man.
Yeah, no kidding. Because I even feel uncomfortable flossing near you.
But even when you and I do it near each other, I'm kind of like, I don't really want you to see me doing it. It's gross. It's so private. But I have flossed with the strings from my socks, remember? In an emergency situation on planes when I was traveling.
No, this is, and there's a camera, dummy. And the visitor.
did I tell you what my mother used to do all the time when we were after we were done eating in a restaurant she would take a toothpick or the card or whatever and then yeah cover her mouth and then do this like we still know what you're doing yeah just go somewhere else yeah it was so disgusting why couldn't she go somewhere else I don't know I don't know maybe it's a foreigner thing is this lady a foreigner no no I don't know dude
I was so fucked up. I can't believe I did not freak out with all the pukey. It was pretty great. I'm still pretty stoked. I'm proud of myself.
All right. Congratulations, Emma.
Oh.
That is great.
What does that mean exactly?
You're the one. You're the one doing it. Oh, here we go. Here's some footage.
Oh, that's nice.
She looks fantastic. And I have to say, I congratulate her on her makeup and her hair looking fantastic, even though she's taking it in the A. And I see why this scene is an award winner. Wow, that was a wide hole.
Yeah, yes, yes. That was an award winning scene. I felt it. I felt her passion. I thought she looked incredible.
Yeah, president. Yeah, president. You need a president.
Yeah, that's amazing. It's hard to win those.
And see, this is why the guys in my bro gym make the noises. Now I understand.
That is nuts. But I like his theory that you should get credit for doing something like that. That's a powerful lift.
You should be like, yeah, bitch. Ding-a-ling. Like an alarm should go off. Fucking sirens.
I get it. But I'm saying like if some boys in my gym, they make a lot of noise and they're not doing stuff like that.
I like it. Yeah, it's interesting. I don't know where it's going to go. I don't know why he's doing it. There's some more questions.
That's the best part. It's basically like bullying's back. No, but here's also why I like it. I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, Angelenos, that that laugh is a specifically Mexican LA dude laugh, right?
Oh, feel that. Meow, meow, meow, meow.
That's what's up. Yeah, that's why I was like, dude, I fucking heard this directed at me quite a few times growing up in the 818. Yeah, those are Cholos, dude. That's why it's so priceless. I know those are Cholos. Light that fucking guy up.
They didn't have to say shit. Did they technically bully? They just laughed.
That's Cholo laughing for sure, yeah.
but that's not la no these are latin guys laughing but isn't that like europe or something look at the signage and everything i don't maybe but i'm telling you do that right angelinos that's a car full of homies it sounds like i know that's that's europe that's european maybe they're on a european vacation sa you don't know the cholos are on the hey maybe fucker maybe they like to travel you don't think they go to amsterdam that might be fucking amsterdam
Yeah, he's walking down the street with his furry ears.
That's the best way.
I hate the self-esteem people have these days.
It's pretty good. I don't know. Go with it, guys. What the fuck? Yeah, this guy. Yes, indeed, baby. It's an alligator.
It's not big enough, you're right. It's going to take him hours to smoke that.
Hours. How long to smoke a full-size alligator wrapped in bacon?
Yeah. And not only that, look, I've tried alligator right in Florida. It's good. It's good meat. But I think if you wrap anything in bacon, it's going to taste good.
You're supposed to skin them, yeah.
Because you don't eat gator skin, right?
I don't think it cooks up.
Oh, that's so true. Yeah. It's like eating kiwi skin or something.
She wants to know your opinion.
Well, let's have an opinion. The dog shit in the bed and she slept in it. And then her mom won't let her have ice cream because then she shits in the bed.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'd, I'd wake up if I smelled the dog's poo in the bed. And also rock on. Yeah.
And as women leave with their bag, they're cheering for her. But do you know why? No. Because Denmark, I believe, if I'm not mistaken, is one of those equal, equal societies, right? Like remember when we were in Amsterdam and everything's so 50-50? I don't think women really buy lingerie anymore. They even dress alike. They're more asexual, the men and the women, you know? Yeah.
So maybe I'm thinking this has something to do with that.
You don't think so? No. And Google in Denmark, the women are asexual in Denmark.
But I'm saying because they're in Denmark and they're like, all the chicks here look like dudes. Why is that? And they're probably celebrating the ones that are being like chicks.
Yeah, of course.
I would love it if there was a group of Irish football fans cheering for me.
That'd be so much fun.
You know what? Yes, I'm aroused.
Your Nicki Minaj is my guy making these noises.
Thank you. Obvi. I mean, it just makes you really understand the deep need, the sexual needs that men have.
My partner and I love watching this. Can I tell you, you don't think they should put maybe handicapped people or differently abled people on the flag?
Isn't that, is there a flag for that? People that are differently abled?
Oh, there you go. But he didn't even do the disability. That's the disabled pride flag. You'd think that he would start with the... It's so hard to choose between the disability flag and the gay flag.
Well, wait, the disability flag is similar to the gay stuff.
I know, I feel like they're leaving people out.
Can we hear it again?
Hey, maybe we could ask the UK people to do happy birthday.
Yeah.
Happy birthday, governor.
He should be doing it. How are you feeling? I'm amazing. How are you feeling? What?
Happy birthday.
Governor. That's the guy. That's the guy.
Well, he's a cool guy. You like cool guys.
Yeah, he thinks he's really inventing some new shit.
In your booty.
It's not that far.
Yeah, he's a cool guy.
Thanks, buddy. I'm still working on it. It's going to get better and better.
All right. I'll go with you on this journey.
Oh, yeah. Buy my lipsticks.
Diamonds and panties.
Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy. Diamonds in the crevice of your pussy.
Which man? Hold on. Jesus, that was fucking terrible. Thank you. And also, it's delivery. The way he says it is very desperate. He's confessing. Yeah, but it's not hot. If it's a dude who's like, if he says it with more confidence.
Do you think Henry Cavill would even say these words?
He wouldn't say that. Not my Henry Cavill.
That's Ghost Crew. I've missed that. I miss that.
But with everything, Tom. Sure. With everything.
No, that's okay. I got it.
But no one's shaming him.
Well, you think somebody shamed him for that?
You think he's like raised evangelical Christian or something weird? Maybe.
That was like a trip down all my favorites. Homeless Man Gets By Gay Ghost. That's right. Probably one of the top clips on the internet ever.
That's always, it's a really good point because that's a different video.
That's a different post. I think I have a little cold or something. Stop.
I mean, yeah, I guess he's got, yeah, is it like a support group for men that are ashamed of enjoying women's vagines?
For so long. For so long. The deep shame about loving women.
Okay. You know what? I just realized BTW. What? Why do you say it with disdain?
What am I supposed to do? But turn away from the mic, man. I'm a broadcaster. I've got to clear the instrument before I go.
But then how will you hear it?
Shit feels good. Feels good when you're fucking me. And he really gets into it. Do we even have that? Oh, for sure.
Gene, I love the black roses that you got me for this Valentine's Day. You really know me.
No.
I'm forgetting my fucking point. Okay, listen, listen, listen. What I'm trying to say, Your Honor, is that I have to thank Dr. Drew Pinsky.
Number one, he really alerted me to the fact of how sexually motivated men are. And I really didn't understand this. I was so naive to it my entire life, up until about five years ago. I really did not understand. And in fact, I saw like a TikTok or something where,
where um this guy was like men and women talk to each other for different reasons okay so for instance men think that when a woman talks to them it's because they're interested in them sexually okay but women from our point of view i'll talk to anybody most the time when i'm in a good mood i wouldn't say that but like i i i talk to men and i don't even
to men I would think disgusting vile I'm never going to have sex with you there's nothing sexual but I didn't realize that that every time I was talking to a dude they're like this girl wants me like why else is she paying attention to me she wants to bang me obviously I mean I guess like in the past you would always be like Oh, you think he's hot? You flirted with him?
I'm like, no, I just, you know what I mean? I just like, I like people. I don't think of it.
I used to be. I think the older I get, I'm tired. I'm weary. I only want to hang out with types of folks I really gel with. Like if we're not on the same frequency and you're a normie or you're, you know what I mean? You're, you're low vibe. I can't, I can't, I can't explain myself to you.
For those of you who don't know, it's a homeless guy who... Thinks he's being anally sexed. Yes. And he's in an alleyway on his back and he's got his legs in the die-die. Up in the air, yeah.
For sure. But this guy on TikTok was like, I just assume that when a woman talks to me, she must like me, like have an interest in me. Otherwise, because men are the way, like men don't talk to women unless they're interested, right? Like, do you just talk to random broads?
Oh, so maybe this guy was off. I can't imagine anybody on TikTok is off.
Yeah, because he was saying, I don't talk to a woman unless I'm interested.
Do you hear that? Oh my God, did you hear that?
All right. I love these. I want to see more and more and more.
Yeah.
God.
Great to be back. I'm so upset that I wasn't here for the past couple episodes.
This is disrespectful to firemen. This is disrespectful to the service. They risk their lives out there. That's true. But these guys are also for our entertainment.
All right. I get it. It's unnecessary.
Why are we focusing on it?
All right.
Like, nigga, just go on Grindr, dog. You don't got to do all this bullshit, man. That's so stupid, man. What the fuck is verse, by the way?
Oh, man. What the fuck is this shit? It's upsetting, man.
One time you see it in a damn bit, it's like, okay. Fine. All right, you had to do it. All right. Got it. You know what I'm saying? The representation. All right, fine. This is going to be the whole show, though? I know. It's just gay. Okay, cool. I didn't realize I was watching gay porn. What the fuck?
Did you see Sinners? Yeah, it was horrible. You didn't like it? Hated it. It's the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. You're not serious. I'm not playing with you. Wait, what did you not like about it? First of all, I mean, I got some. First of all, I'm tired of the fucking niggas in the fields picking cotton and shit. I'm tired of that fucking scene.
Okay, I've seen it a thousand billion fucking times. Do the singing again. I'm fucking so tired of that shit, man. It was that for an hour and a half. And then it was shitty CGI fucking vampires and shit. It was horrible. Wow. And I was so mad because I'm like, there's no way I'm the only nigga that thought this. And so I went on Reddit and I could not find people that agree with me.
Everyone said this was the best cinematic experience of my life. What the fuck movies have you watched then? I question your movie. It's unbelievable, man.
But that was the movie, though. And then at the end, well, I mean, I guess I don't want to spoil it, but whatever. At the end, it was the, you know, oh, fucking the black people did it again. We won, motherfucker. Like, bro, cut it out with this shit, man. Fucking KKK. There's no KKK anymore. And then, oh, what do you know? There is. Oh, surprise. Spoilers.
You got to start doing more movie reviews. I fucking hated that movie.
Wow. And I'm not really like that. I'm not a dude to hate on movies. I don't have a lot to say about a lot of movies, but I hate that movie. Did you see the new Mission Impossible? I did not yet. I want to see that.
Yeah. So this is what it is. This is where this is coming from. Who's this boyfriend?
What do you... Why? I thought it was about push-ups. That's a dope chandelier, though. See? It's a dope chandelier. You shouldn't have it.
I'm a robber.
Stop watching wrestling?
Yeah, I guess I'd have to stop just obsessing about wrestling if that happened. I would be very upset.
Yeah.
I kind of feel like, are we ranking these guys against the ones we're showing or entire presidency? Because they would be closer to tens, almost all of them. Wait, if they're what? If they're ranked against all of presidential history.
471.
Everybody in Europe. Well, the good thing is, though, it kind of took the pressure off the trip. You know when you're a tourist and you're like, hey, we got to go to London Eye, and then we got to go see Big Ben. We relaxed, and then we went to the Tower of London because the kids wanted to see murder, killing. Swords. Swords, the rack, torture. And I was like, that's definitely your kid.
Well, you know, you always ask this of me whenever there's a cool guy.
This being a cool girl.
Well, do you want to hit it? Knowing, hold on, knowing that our Garfield is pretty tight and snug.
Be honest. Pretend we're not married.
This is your one.
By the way, I had this exact ceiling.
But that probably makes it even better, babe.
Wow. The honesty there.
See, this is where you and I agree to disagree. I can't look past the externals. I can't look past the teeth. I can't look past the ceiling that's falling down.
I don't know, dude.
She's got a lot of shit around her neck for sure.
Where do you take her? I mean, do you go to a shed? Because you want to keep it a secret. You can't.
So then do you check into like a scummy motel?
Those are your children. And they loved it.
No, of course not.
Do you know what I just, yeah, sorry.
I just had a flash of, you know, when you, you just know two people and you're like, I wish I could set them up on a date.
Don't tell me that you don't think she and Unkshine would be... Oh, amazing. ...a perfect match. Ay-yi-yi. Yeah, because he's like, I want to lick your booty.
Um, cool. Yeah. And then we flew back 10 hours to Houston.
He's always talking about eating girls out.
Yeah, he loves eating girls out. She loves having her. Here's the thing, though.
That's true.
He is a mess. Yeah. That's true. I wonder which gentlemen are with her, though. I don't know. By the way, this ceiling thing that's falling in her car, I had the exact thing happen in my 87 Chevy Nova, and I can tell there's... I had cigarette burns in mine, too, which I think I see up there as well. Very hard. Once it starts falling, that one is almost impossible to repair. It's very tough.
And, um, our kids peed every 15 minutes on that flight. So every time I could like sit down and relax, they're like, mom, I gotta go pee.
Yeah, you can angle it.
Oh, wow. Surprise answer for many. I didn't think you.
100%.
Men are different creatures, I'll tell you.
They're always... I feel sick. I don't want you doing that sound and acting. Stop.
Okie dokie.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know, apropos an earlier discussion on this show, I mentioned obese flight attendant that I had on a flight. And so I was on another flight and a fan of the show, this flight attendant was kind enough. And she goes, I heard what you said about the overweight flight attendant. And I was like, Yeah, tell me, why is this happening?
She goes, they haven't weighed us since 1994.
Absolutely.
No.
And she says, you know, they stopped weighing us because she said apparently it's a form of discrimination and it's protected to be a great big fat person. Now, here's the deal, man. I mean, I don't know. The lawyers didn't argue this case publicly. Well, because that's a controllable thing, your weight, correct? And what if it's a qualification of said job that you need to be a certain?
Terrible. They got to take this stuff out.
But it makes no sense. Like, let's say a qualification to be a physicist is a PhD in physicistsics, right? There's a qualification. There's a thing that needs to happen. So why can't maintaining a baseline... There's probably... It's all unionized.
There must be.
I mean, look, a little... I'm saying that this guy was so obese that it was like he was bumping into us and stuff as he was walking by. I'm like, he can't even do his job.
So... Yeah. But it's cost prohibitive for the airline because you're taking up someone's suitcase space, let's say. They are. Weight is important on an airplane. It's a safety issue.
That's the biggest problem.
Pretty.
Remember when they were pretty and stuff? You know where they still are? Only pretty women.
Yeah, dimes.
Happy. This is nice. Even, shout out to Richard Branson on the Virgin line, Virgin Atlantic. I loved flying Virgin because they were all cool and pretty and they had cool outfits.
It matters, dude.
The hostess, of course. The waitress. Oh, no.
No, dude. It's a safety issue. How is this person going to assist me off? Why is someone getting so fat? And also, when you fly, as you know, Tom, there's a weight allotment for aircraft. Of course. It affects the safety, the balance. And here's the thing.
Big broad.
They don't, no.
Yeah, she's all logy from the carbs. I do. However, the obese guy that served, he was gay, too. He was gay. And he was polite. He was fun because he was gay. By the way, I prefer a gay flight attendant. I love the gay male ones. Describe yourself.
I love a gay flight attendant.
They're great. And I will say, shout out to the gays in New York City. Boy, can they dress. They looked fantastic. The gays came with their fashion.
In the U.S., they have fat flight attendants.
Yeah, and how cool would it be to be the person pictured in that article?
You would be like, oh my God. They can't use that picture, can they? But I will say in London, you don't see as many great big fat people because I think they don't have as much food on the go that we do. Like you can't just grab a pizza slice and walk through London. We're the fattest.
So pretty.
So pretty. So many good looking people. The modeling capital of, wait, one of the modeling capitals. Stunning people.
Oh, listen, I love Austin. I love Austin. I got to say, a lot of the ladies walking around here, garbage dumps. They're not taking care of them. They're not looking good. I mean, you guys see them here in the bar.
That's Dallas and Houston.
But Austin is more like just the young girls that should be cute. They're they they dress like garbage bags.
That's so fun. Yeah. And your littlest buddy, Juju, decided to take a horrendous dump on the flight back from London.
No, there's more. There's more. Okay. There's more.
raw show and it's very real and we took a lot of chances did you see his face was like bitch I will hit you and I will say in this instance yeah he should have hit her I think this is the time you hit a bitch is this that is a fucking lack of respect yeah big she don't respect him
Yes, it did.
How do you say disrespect? Can you find that? I saw the first few seconds and I clicked off because I'm so disinterested in these two people. But, I mean, babe, if I talk to you like that, first of all, privately, negative, but publicly?
First of all, the guy's old. He doesn't want seven kids. He's letting you have seven kids. Be nice.
Dude, like it was a multi wiper. Like he had to wipe about 500 times. And he's one who really loves a bidet and loves getting clean. Yeah. He loves it.
100%.
Yeah, a little Sean Connery. Ay, que lastima. How do you say it? What do you say when you get hit in Spanish?
No me pegues. No me pegues.
That was insane. But she has a great rack for fucking seven kids. She's beautiful.
Of course, she's always working out on the ground.
All right, let's see this horse shit.
What's the...
It's a great apartment in New York City.
Yeah. Well, and then she doubles down on it. This is a double down. Yeah, yeah.
What's going on?
What is going on here? Yeah. Does she have the grip in her Garfield?
Is that this is?
So I was standing and they won't go to the bathroom alone on an airplane. I had to stand there watching. Yeah. And then he's like, it's not clean enough. It's not clean enough. And I'm like, it's fine. He's like, well, how do I clean it? And I'm like, just get the toilet paper wet, dude. He just kept wiping. And meanwhile, there's a line of people. I can't shit on an airplane.
Yeah, it's not anymore.
Babe, this is Alec Baldwin.
Sure.
Yeah, but he's Alec Baldwin. He can get, he was with Kim Basinger at one point. Like, bro, he don't need her.
before him it's because you're not that entertaining well she's not there's no talent there's not a talent you're still a yoga instructor yeah you just married a movie star she's gorgeous hey very pretty good body good fate like she's really i don't think she's very interesting to listen to or there's not many ideas and stuff but um wow i'm surprised did you see the rage hold on can you back it up in that interview where he kind of goes he goes
So that's funny. Now he's still funny. Now he thinks about that.
Yeah. Yeah. He's thinking of the Garfield. He was thinking of her Garfield.
Yeah. He's trapped, dude.
Poor guy. I mean. He's 66. This man is almost 70 years old. Yeah.
But, man, I had the biggest crush on him when he was a little girl. He's turning 67. When he did that movie, The Marrying Man, with Kim Basinger, I was like, God, if I grow up to look like Kim Basinger and I could get Alec Baldwin.
Oh, my God. I thought he was the most attractive man I'd ever seen.
Ugh.
What?
In what?
All the Baldwins. I think one or two are kind of goofy looking. Yeah.
That voice, that gravelly voice.
Nope.
I get so much anxiety because what if they, you know, there's people waiting.
But it's always a marriage killer because everybody that's ever done one, they end up divorced except for Ozzy and what's her name? Sharon Osbourne. But other than that, they didn't divorce her together.
but they were ironclad before yeah i mean ozzy was doing crazy shit for years before they had a reality show the reality show probably calmed him down but they always end up divorced broken no good no bueno no well my god that was just fucking insane oh yeah this is you're gonna love this i would have hit her fuck dude got a montage for you you ready oh yeah here we go
Anyway.
No, I know.
This is what it feels like to take the subway in New York City.
Yeah, my mom got into that later in life. Really? There's waves and the telephone's got sound waves. I can't use the telephone. I can't send emails. This is a little bit of schizophrenia, Tom.
What's she mad at?
You've got to put tinfoil on the windows. Everybody knows that. Day number one. Yeah. Yeah, don't go outside. This is when you become a shutout. This is about where my mom decided to call it a day. Gosh, but man, there's a lot of tears. There's a lot going on. Yet she still knows how to post a video on social media. And she writes.
She does? Yeah. Oh, wow.
Looking forward to her creative development. Yeah.
But you don't feel the pressure of the people? Other people? No. No. I mean... How do you block that out?
Hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars. I'm into this. And the waste. Just the ecological stuff. So imagine I just shit. Yeah.
How are you rinsing it, though? You're using soap, right?
The problem, though, is that I got to wipe my genie.
Do I get my own cloth?
I can't use the shit cloth on my vagina.
Oh, I didn't even think about that. And then the boys, they get to wipe it.
This is such a great idea. We got to get into the family.
She's got a great hiney.
pretty face i could do these videos so well i'm gonna get into this yeah 50 year old mom farts a lot of farts like she's doing makeup you see she's got her eyeliner brush in her left hand there no i could do this every time i worry if you're gonna drop dead and i have to support the kids i remember i can do these farts yeah i know any any's turned on right now
She's got to do this because guys get hard. They pay for it.
She doesn't want to. The other things are nasty. This is easy. This is money on the table. It is the easy.
Roll camera.
Gotta get another one.
I don't even see her face. Could be anybody.
Her clothes is on. Her clothes is on? Her clothes are on?
Yeah. What's everybody? Yeah, I think that I could do this lickety split.
I think I got a new painting coming. I finished one. I will be honest. I did finish my next one, but I'm not sure it's good enough.
I've got some artistic stuff. I don't know. I'm feeling insecure.
I need a rogue. God, you have to start creating a rogue pocket in your pants and stuff. You're so into these. It's not a bad idea. No, it's not a bad idea.
Breed? Why Breed? Oh, nice, bro. That's good.
breed mc breathe um that was so silly reed can i say something about reed though yeah he's pushing back now is he yeah he's getting some sass he's getting his feathers ruffled that's what you want man he's pushing back yeah he came in a little more docile and now he's like fuck you dude yeah well he's gotten he's getting good he's getting yeah he's comfortable Yeah, he's getting strong.
I like it. I like it. I like it, too.
What part of the world is he?
Okay.
Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. You badger them into submission. But I feel like that's the position you have to take if you're going to be so bold as to shit on a flight. Yeah.
I mean, have you ever spoken to anybody... Like that in your life? No. Especially the landlord.
Yeah.
I think so.
Yeah. He shouldn't really tell people.
You know, can I tell you what he's giving me, though? You're kind of giving me Fedsmoker vibes.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, me either. I'm liking this evolution. You know, we started as the ladies, man. Just get your D-Wop. But now we're getting aggressive. We're starting to get into Fedsmoker territory.
You sure are. We're getting there. This is turning. This is turning. Changing my lock.
It's your problem now. But that only comes with being a dad. I think you've really come into your dadhood. You were always meant to be a middle-aged dad because that was who you were at 23 when I met you.
Wow. Oh, no, he's getting kicked out. What are you talking about?
I wish I could see what he's doing that's ramping these folks up.
Oh, thank God.
I know, and he loves the library. That's his favorite place.
We're like, at the library?
Big dad energy.
Yeah, I got it. This is classic Tony, though.
This is the essence of TJ, though. This is the Tony Jones I know and love.
this is this is the fulfillment it's all this is perfect for you this is your time this is your stride yeah yeah feels good yeah i think i was meant to be like a 50 year old lady because i like that time feels good it does feel good because the the pressure's off the pressure's off i've done a lot already i'm not looking for dudes to date or talk to me you know because i've already got the dudes you got a dude you already got a dude
I thought they changed the locks. How is he getting back into the place?
What is he drinking?
See, you know what he figured out with OnlyFans? Is that the only people paying for sexual content on OnlyFans is dudes. It's men. Women are not paying for this stuff.
I'm a worker. You're a worker. You're a worker.
Do you think he has a bank account, though? I'm a ladies' man. I'm a performer.
There's no way he's paid yet. How are they paying?
Right.
I can tell. I mean, look, he's got money for the tanning salon, for the fitness membership.
That's what I mean. It's insane. How is he? I don't know. I wish he would just stay at a Walmart. He needs that structure. I don't know what's going on. He needs a paycheck.
All right, can I push first?
What's everybody?
What can people see on your OnlyFans?
But, Tony, do you have somewhere private you can make these films? Just somewhere private?
Tony, do you have a bank account that you can link the OnlyFans to? Are you getting paid?
Okay. So you're getting your money from OnlyFans. That's good.
So you're doing that. And then can you find a new place to live?
I bet you would be a really good car salesman. You love people. You love talking to people. Yeah. That's a great gig.
Oh, yeah. How you been, Christina? I'm good, sweetie. I'm just glad to hear how happy you are. Oh, fuck, I'm loving all this. I like that OnlyFans is working out for you. And you mentioned in your stories that maybe you would consider doing some videos for the guys. Because I think guys actually pay quite a lot more than women on OnlyFans. Yes, ma'am. So tell me about that. What's that?
Governor, I'm pumped. I'm ripped.
Yeah. Because that would be a great back-to-back debut. Yeah, because I think this is actually your lane. I think you may have found your talent, Tony.
Yes. No, no. Keep going. Keep going. Yes, ma'am. But try to find somewhere more private, maybe. I don't want you to end up in jail, okay? Yeah, don't get kicked out of another place. Film...
Oh, my God, Tom. I love you guys, bro.
I think he's going to stay in Vegas. Vegas might be where you love to live. I think he might like Vegas a lot, Tony.
Yeah, I think you should, dude.
I'll grab the pocket.
You're a worker now, dude.
Yes, yes, ma'am. And guess what? Vegas is a very judgment-free zone. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, that's amazing.
You got to go. That's where you got to be. Yeah.
Cool.
We'll talk to you soon, man. Bye, Tony. Take care of yourself.
Bye, sweetie. Wow. Well, I tell you, if we aren't making dreams come true.
Yeah. But what a great lane for him. I think sucking on dude's toes, like, that's easy money, too.
Of course there is.
Of course.
Of course. For a male performer, that's where the money is. And I think sending him to Vegas is going to change his life.
Oh, my God.
Wouldn't that be the perfect matching?
Right? I see the look in your eyes. Like, that would have been the best. Do you think Robert would go for a Tony John's? It's fresh meat. I know. The look in your eyes. I saw it. I know.
Best idea ever, right?
Why not?
I mean, essentially, he's doing what Robert Paul Champagne does, too.
But Robert doesn't do OnlyFans.
Maybe he should.
I think so. Dude. Oh, my God. Can we get on this? Can we reach out? Maybe RPC will.
Of course.
This is insane.
I really do think that once Tony gets to Vegas, he's going to see that that's where he's meant to be. Don't you feel like that? Yes. Auburn, New York is not the right place. He's got to get out of there. It's too small of a community. He's menacing the community. He needs to go to Vegas where there's a lot of weird shit where he's just like another guy. He just fades into the background.
I mean, this is a whole new line we're doing here.
Of course.
I mean, the irony with Tony Johns is that this whole I'm a ladies man thing and this and that, he kind of does have the dong for porn.
I mean, God gave him a talent.
Like, go with it, kid.
Sometimes you're just given one thing.
He is the Dirk Diggler. Yeah. When Dan Soder said that. Dan Soder was like, he's like Dirk Diggler. I'm like, I think he might be.
You don't get it all, but when you get it, boy, you got one thing.
Yeah. There he is, dude. Tony. I mean, he kind of is Dirk Diggler. He is.
Wild, dude.
That's bad luck.
That's such bad luck.
No, I'm just trying to watch some fucking guy do some shit.
Some of the handlebars.
You got excited about RPC and Tony Johnston. Yeah, it's really exciting. I saw the creative wheels turning when I said it. Your eyes lit up in a way.
Me too, bro. So many things to go over. We've lived quite our lives in the last couple weeks.
Yeah. Oh, I know. It's 15 years of work. I know.
Right. There's nothing else we can do. Now, the only other thing I would say is Norm Somerton, Tick Cups.
There's two cool guys that got away.
King Ass Ripper.
Never wanted to do the show. We reached out to him for years and years and years. Yep. And Norm Somerton. Those are the only two cool guys that got away from the show.
But RPC.
Wow. Yeah? Wow. Whoa, hold on. Can we check it out?
I don't know, dude.
I don't think that Tony's his type. That's the only problem.
Fuck!
I think the two of them would J their Ds.
Together.
Because they love to do that on camera anyway. That's a deal, man.
Yeah, I know. It's just exciting when inspiration strikes.
Okay. And if you don't like it, I'm not going to like it either. Like if you can't watch it, there's no way I can watch it.
Is it too emotional? And it's just embarrassing. I hate emotional shit.
Well, I think because I got to go to that and I was so pumped to see you do MSG. I mean, it was, first of all, New York City to me is the center of the universe. It's fantastic. And to see, the crowd was so hyped because I think they get it. They're like, if you're at Madison Square Garden.
Well, it's terrible. Yeah. She didn't have to talk.
You don't have to talk. She's clearly nervous.
Yeah, but you can. It's 2021. Of course you can.
This isn't 1960. It's so weird.
Where the fuck do these people live that it's a big deal?
No, it's horrible.
It's horrible. Remember that one wedding you and I went to where the dad gave kind of a backhanded speech?
He's like, we didn't think much of him when we met.
I just don't think, I don't even know why people have to give speeches at weddings, honestly. It's the worst. What the fuck do you need to say?
I hate giving speeches at things like this. Maybe the father of the bride or the parents say something, but your dumb, dumb friend has to get up drunk.
And not only that, you know how they're not used to giving speeches, so they're very banal and boring and basic bitchy. Yeah. Oh, my God. When Stacey and I met in college, I was like, Stacey, you're such a whore. You're never going to get married. Like, they're always the same formula.
It's not interesting. I mean, and you can see that there's black people in the room. Yeah. So it's like, what are you doing?
I know, and if she didn't approve of the groom, then why are you, don't go to the wedding. Don't be a part of the wedding party or whatever.
You did it, man. And they're rooting for you. They want you to do well. And it was so big. Oh, there's Joey. Oh my gosh, he's so funny.
And not everybody has to talk.
But what's really gnarly is that this could have just been a memory without a video.
No, I was just going to say that she's dressed like a whore for the wedding. For a wedding.
Well, her dress. She's going to marry him. So short. She's going to fucking marry this guy. It's too low cut and it's too short. It's like she wants. She looks like she's going out. Yeah.
She wants the attention. Yeah. She's all over the map. This chick's messed up.
But then it's, I like black people.
My great, my nephew's great aunt is black. Is black.
It's making me uncomfortable, right?
Or, okay, or if you're going to do it, just make one funny joke and be done. Yeah. One comment, but not even like actually has to be genuinely funny, which is kind of hard to do in today's day and age. Like we've all heard.
The interracial couple jokes. I'm trying to, you know what I mean? What are you going to say?
Oh, yeah. She's fucked. Yeah, this went viral.
I know you are, babe. I'm here for you. I don't know what to do. Oh, hey, buy my lipstick, guys. ChristinaP.com. You can get the perfect for all four of my new shades. ChristinaP.com. Check it out. Try it out. Get them all. They're fantastic. I'm wearing the perfect red right now today.
Let me tell you this.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yes.
That's what he said.
Chrissy, Dee, and I were backstage, and in his green room, there was an event from 1984, a poster that said, Cat Ranking...
assembly or cat ranking whatever thing and he's like my you know how he talks like that my uncle irvin was a cat ranking judge and i'm like no he wasn't he's like no look there's videos on tiktok he's ranking cats you're so fucking crazy it's so insane these guys are nuts dude
Oh, yeah. His whole life has changed because of 3 Day Blinds.
um one thing before we leave the topic i just want to give a shout out to london yeah a number one food i don't know what happened to us a couple years back told you we got jacked yeah we went to bad places i don't know how that happened i just want to give a shout out to london your food crushed yeah however i will say i don't know what europe has against public toilets yeah it feels like they want you to eat the food but not shit anywhere yeah public
They're like, you take that dump home and you pee at home.
They just don't do public. And oh, you want to use our toilet? That's like five pounds. Yeah. You got five pounds on you and then you have to stand in line. I'm like, this is insanity. I don't like it either. So eventually I would pop into a pub. I learned what to do with the kid and with the kids. Oh, my kids have to pee. Or we just pee in the car.
We were going to leave. The kids and I were going to leave that morning.
Is that right?
See, so this tells me that London, England, UK, Europe, they have something against people going to the bathroom in public.
They got a problem with it. I don't know. Not in Amsterdam. In Amsterdam, remember, they're like, oh, you want to pee? Just piss here.
Just a concrete thing.
Yeah.
Because they started doing this, I guess, in the 1500s because there's the first public toilet.
And now they're like, well, you're getting drunk.
Me too. So the point is, if you're a tourist that likes to pee, go to Amsterdam.
Is she?
Wait.
Did you need water?
Right, yes.
Yeah, those gays. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.
You did it and we both went...
Nienna? I voted Caitlin a sleeper hog.
Holy shit.