Christophe Jean

I don't think he went to one church when he was a kid. Maybe, dude. I mean, his dad was wheeling and dealing. He was raised by Jamaican nannies. There's no way.

Is a cardinal like the highest thing next to a pope? Is that second to pope?

Yeah, exactly. You can prestige.

You like unlock the scar.

Yeah. Best at covering up certain stories.

What is that? Like you've been to the most places? I don't really even know. Geographic representation? I have genuinely no clue.

Do they have a little flap like a onesie?

I've had a catheter before.

Fun. No, it hurts really bad.

Yeah, well, I was under anesthesia when I got it put in, but when I got it taken out, I was wide awake.

Exclusive baby diva. I was wearing my good monster truck shirt, but they said that didn't fit the aesthetic.

It's some chemical. It's like they put phosphorus in there or whatever. They burned a different herb or something or whatever. It'd be so stressful. But, you know, it's... Yeah, I was so dumb when I was a kid that there was a conclave, I think, for Francis. No, it was for... You know, who was the one that was there for like two seconds? Benedict?

Bedix the 16th, I think. It was Bedix the 16th. Yeah. I remember going, oh, it's when God decides... Like I thought they put everyone's name into a fireplace and then the color of the smoke would be God communicating if he wanted them to be the Pope or not.

I was literally on some Hogwarts shit. That's hilarious. So I was like, oh, like it came out black and God doesn't like it when it's black.

Yeah, so God just picks the color and they put in Benedict's thing and then you're like, oh, it was white for Benedict, so we got him.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah, he was gone. Well, he was the Nazi, wasn't he? Oh. There was a guy who was like a Nazi. Well, he was like in Hitler Youth for sure. That was like a big deal.

Yeah. Why would she ever talk about the Pope?

It's about being obsessed with a man. I'll follow you until you love me, papa, paparazzi. Exactly. Papa, paparazzi. I don't know. Look, I was homeschooled. It's a real stretch. I was homeschooled. It's amazing you know as many things as you do. The fact that I'm not just under a bridge somewhere. Or that you just don't say the most unhinged things.

It's like the administrative wing.

The day-to-day. Yes. Yeah. What's his name? P.P. Pastrone? What is it? What is it? Pietro Peroli. Pietro Peroli. Sounds like gasoline. Sounds like petrol. Yeah. Petrol pepperoni.

And he's an Italian, though. He's Italian. There's a lot of, I guess there's a lot of Nigerian Catholics. Yeah. Yeah.

Je ne sais pas.

In the state of Italy. Wow, he's a reformist. This guy's a freaking lib. This guy's a huge lib, dude. This guy's so lib-cucked out. Right? It's crazy.

It's like four Catholics in Argentina are concerned. But don't worry.

He's quoted as saying, Mamma Mia, what did the gays are doing in Ireland? Why did they suck each other penis?

Mamma mia, I hated the gays.

Fair enough.

I have reservations on almost any couple. I go, hey, you like my new girlfriend? I go, I have some reservations.

Can I just think on it?

I will pray on this.

So he's like down for popes to get pussy?

There's no one in the Catholic Church that priest is pretty low. Like a brother. Is a brother below a priest?

They're in like a fraternity and there's like ping pong.

Yeah, they do make beer. Yeah. I had this old, old Belgian beer that's like an original monk thing. Yeah. Called something Trappist. Unbelievably good. You gotta try it. I'll try it. It tastes like bananas. It tastes like roasted bananas. And it's like 12% ABV. Oh, really? It gets you fucked. I mean, I don't know how I feel about a banana beer. Well, imagine like a roasty cereal banana.

He died the day after Easter.

Like malty cereal banana. It's really fucking good. You're just adding more words. This guy doesn't understand. It's a Belgian quadruple.

So Jesus came back, and then he was like, all right, that's good enough for me.

A Belgian quadruple. Google Hermes, then we'll talk. Yeah, well, I've had a $16 bottle of beer, so you're fucking pulled.

I'm just curious if they could get pissed. That's really all I wanted to know. The answer I think is going to be no across the board. Yeah, because we had brothers at our, we didn't have any brothers, but we had some brothers. Like visiting, like they would kind of like visit our school. Did you have, you didn't go to Catholic school.

Exactly. Just a guy with a guitar who, that's everybody. Yeah. No, it was, like, they would have, like, different ones come in. We had one called Brother Dennis, who I really liked. Brother Dennis was the man.

He was the dude who would give us Mountain Dew. He would just show up with Mountain Dew.

Yeah, it was awesome.

Deacons could give a dome?

So that's the highest you can be and still get dumb?

Yeah. I remember deacons would just come in for church.

They had, like, homes and lives.

Kids and... Top, top.

They got crazy sucked.

The Vatican is its own country. It's weird to read the Bible and go, God, I love this fucking shit, and then be like, I've got to figure out immigration. Huh?

A more conservative one who's not a big fan of the moderate papacy of... Pope Francis?

Say that again?

So he opposed annulment.

But you can go get married by the state.

Yeah. I think, well, yeah, the divorce one's crazy. What do you mean? Just like having an outlaw on divorce.

Is that the only deal? I thought you couldn't get divorced.

Yeah, without annulment.

Yeah, sorry I've been saying the Lord's name in vain. Is that the Lord's name in vain?

What does that mean?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, doesn't it sound nice when you say you can never leave her?

Yeah, they're wiling.

They're wiling.

Yeah, shit's ass.

No, he isn't.

Maybe, sometimes.

Yeah, of course. That's the same answer to, did dogs go to heaven?

Yeah, he thinks it's the best.

Right? You're a Protestant. Go to... Maybe they're going to a wedding.

It's a pretty good, if there is one.

But also, the Eucharist could not... It doesn't matter to me. So, like, maybe if you're a very devout... protestant who really thinks it's important to take the eucharist at someone's wedding like which i can't which they don't believe that because it's symbolic to them yeah it is symbolic to them to some is it small to all sex of there's so many

Not at all. The Eastern Orthodox or the... No, they're basically Catholic. Yeah, they just, like, have a different kind of government, right?

Yeah, they have bigger beards. They're kind of cool. I like the Eastern Orthodox.

Russian Orthodox, Greek Orthodox.

I don't remember how it happened, but they broke off.

In like fucking 12. Yeah. In 12, they broke off. Yeah.

These guys are too into being Catholic. I'm going to say it.

he insists that this is what my mom wanted me to be do you think if he got dome one time he'd go what was I doing as soon as he busted it dude the craziest post nut clarity ever he'd be like where the fuck he's wearing this crazy outfit he's like what the fuck what happened the last 71 years of my life this is crazy he's just got his shit slurped one time can you get your shit slurped before marriage no can you get your shit slurped ever no or is it sodomy

He sneezed on him.

um i forget i actually looked this up or maybe i talked to someone about i can't remember but like if you're a married catholic you can get your shit slurped you can get you can get topped but you can't nut you can't nut what what is this life you can get your shit slurped but not nut what's the point of anything ever what is the point of any of this shit man because it's like you can have ice cream you can't swallow it

Do you put ice cream in your mouth and you spit it out? Do you just chew a chocolate bar? Like a high man on the door. Dome and no nut is wild. Dome and no nut. That is the Catholic way. If I was... That would be my first rule as Pope. You can get slurped up. Everyone can get slurped up. To compliche? To compliche before marriage.

And you can raw dog before marriage and let one loose. And condoms are cool. Yeah.

If you're a fucking Protestant... Everyone has a line.

Yeah. I mean, do you really think it transforms? Do you think it transfigurates? I think the substance, the spiritual essence... This is such a Catholic answer. It's such a non-fucking answer.

Does it turn into the body of Christ or not? Yes. Literally, you think the cells...

What's the difference between that and a fucking metaphor?

The spirit? Yeah. It's fucking having swag.

Yeah. Smoking weed. Dunking a basketball.

Yeah, I know, I know. This is, this is, I guess it implies.

But isn't that, isn't spirit like the, you know, spirit is literal. So like, you mean like a ghost, like a, like a. Like a ghoul. Phantom, like a ghoul.

Yeah, like Casper.

I know there aren't ghosts, but I know that from logic and reason. So you're telling me that the Eucharist, that a guy goes... And then because he goes... That because he does that, that lightning, that whatever. But I'm really Reddit atheist-ing this, but I get it.

But still, you think the spirit of Jesus Christ wasn't in the cracker before, and now, because he went, that it's literally the soul of Jesus Christ, and then you eat it. Yes. All right.

Do you actually?

No, no, no, no. Do you mark the rational human being with a brain and a brain stem and a spine? Believe that.

I don't. I'm fine.

No. Like maybe some, like, you know, like an enriched dough, like with eggs or butter. It is like water and flour. I mean, it tastes like shit.

The Eucharist tastes like poop. It like dissolves. Can I tell you about a different guy that's about to be Pope? I feel bad for saying the Eucharist is bad. You think people are going to get mad at me?

Absolutely. It doesn't taste good. I don't think that's a heretical thing to say. Sorry.

Okay. A lot of conservatives.

A grain of rice went down the wrong tube. But look, now they got to make a new Pope. They got to make one.

That's good.

Well, because they kind of always were like, let's do our own thing. The whole point is that we do our own thing.

So far, I don't like any of them.

Nice.

Yeah.

You can't even be married and you want to fuck a guy? Yeah.

Like, let them in?

Like, they can go if they want.

Yeah, but, I mean, if, like, you know, I want to peel it back a little, but, like, what do you really...

A little bit. Really? I mean, right now. Are you trying to get me?

You're doing a horrific job.

This is the most I've learned about Catholicism in the last 10 years.

He dropped F-A-G-G.

He's calling him like a bunch of stunads or whatever.

That's so funny.

They should do it as a game show. They should do it like the dating game where you can't see the popes. And they're behind a little curtain. You can just see their little slippers. You can just see their little slippers. Their hats sticking out.

Let's say you did your thing where you go, well, actually, she lied and didn't want kids or whatever. It seems like a reasonable. And then the guy can't have communion for the rest of his life. If he's a devout Catholic, he'd probably like jump off a bridge or something. No, then he would get an annulment. But then he could get it. Yeah. Oh, never mind.

And you're like, you can't get that an old. You have to both be there.

Oh, he's trying to get slurped up, dude.

Robert Serra's coming to town. He's gonna burn. That's your favorite? Ha ha ha ha ha!

He likes Latin Mass.

Wait, so why would you do a Mass where no one understands what you're saying?

Oh.

These guys must have thought the world was on fire their entire lives. Yeah, I mean, just imagine. They can't... I mean, if you think divorce and same-sex marriage lead to moral crisis... And they would be like, look around. They'd be like, everything's horrible. It's because of divorce and... Same-sex marriage.

The war in Ukraine. The divorce in Ukraine?

Well, Ukraine did get a divorce from Russia during the fall of the Soviet Union.

Yeah, they're all conservatives. There's not really even a lib option. They're not going to put the Filipino lib up. There's no way. He's like the Pete Buttigieg of the whole thing. Well, he's gay. Pete could be a pope. No, he couldn't. He's a baptized Catholic. Yeah, but he's a freaking screaming queen. Get you out. But he's a screaming Lightning McQueen.

Wait, so is that the loop? That's the loop. That'd be an epic loop. You could be a gay married pope.

I'm not married at all. I actually have no clue what you're talking about.

Yeah, I goofed. You gotta watch Conclave, dude.

Yeah, the end that you're not gonna like.

Well, you just spoiled the Conclave.

It's hermaphroditic.

He got his... Yeah. He got both. He got both to him.

It's not going to be Pete Booge. I think Peter Pepperoni is pretty good. And then I think... It's not going to be Robert Serra because of a particular reason. And... What?

People from Guinea. There's a lot of anti-Guinea sentiment. just the word guinea um i think it'll be it won't be the north netherlands guy i think it'll be it was either the first one peter pepperoni or there was a different uh moderate conservative we talked about it'll be a moderate conservative yeah a sort of mitt romney figure

I didn't think about that. Yep. I didn't think about it.

Wow, dude. He really did like a... He did like a switcheroo. Yeah. He just appointed a bunch of people.

Anyone. Anyone can be. It's like retitude. Exactly.

Damn, dude. It's in a couple days.

I'm on the edge of my papal seat.

Thanks a million.

Yeah. Let's make this the most liked podcast in history.

Let's get to 42 million likes.

Let's make it the most by volume, not by percentage. Like literally most number, highest number. And then most importantly, what did you guys think of Kristoff?

I would have been horrible on that episode.

I like this. You bring in like a skeptic.

It's not an echo chamber.

It's like smoking a cigarette on Snapchat. He's tweeting. He's like, Conclave is so shit this year. Catering sucks in the Vatican right now.

There's going to be a lot of Latin today. This is going to be tough.

Camerlengo. We went to Catholic school. I did go to Catholic school.

I speak fluent Latin.

And the presidency does not. Yeah, our president is older than the Pope.

Yeah, I guess. That's interesting. When did they impose the 80-year-old limit? Do you know?

They were all dying of typhoid, whatever the hell.

No.

We'll go to Hermes. I'll get some cool stuff for my horse and then we'll hit the Sistine Chapel.

You guys are all... You have a bajillion square foot mansion and then I...

Who's the big guy now? Who do you think's gonna win?

Yeah, well, that's the whole plot of Conclave.

You gotta watch the Clave, dude. It's good.

Yeah.

My landlord's a scrutineer.

That feels like... My accountant, my landlord. Wait a second. Bunch of scrutineers over here. They found a bunch of scrutineers in the tunnels.

Two, three, four for me. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you.

Yeah, they're trying to be humble.

Happy Pope.

I'm putting my name in now. Maybe it's a little late. But I would like to be the Pope. I'm a baptized Catholic. What would be your first rule as Pope? Have fun. Number one rule of being the Pope is have fun. Number two, teamwork. Do you see T-Dog? Number three, still not big on the gay stuff. Do you gay stuff just at your house?

Oh, his papal AI? Dude, yeah, totally not at all sacrilegious. I mean, crazy. I don't even think he's baptized Catholic. I don't think he's anything.