CJ Landry

It's on the other side too. Wait, it's spreading, I think. I don't know if it's spreading or that's my neck, dude. I don't know. I don't know. It's scary. You got to be careful. Okay, yeah, so this guy's Screech. Yeah, God. Yeah, you know. He did not make it to heaven, bro. Great hair, though. I know. I always loved his curly hair.

I wish I had those tight. That guy, see, if I was him, I would be, bro, I'd be claiming, I'd be honestly claiming half black. I'm not going to lie. I'd be like, yeah, no, I think my dad was kind of. If I had that hair? Because everybody would believe you.

I'd be like, yeah, it's like a Klay Thompson kind of deal. That's kind of how my family looks, Klay Thompson. Yeah, Klay Thompson, basketball player. Yeah, they're like, yeah, my dad was really good at basketball. No. Then, because here's the thing. I say I'm good at basketball and I like playing pickup, but nobody believes me because I'm too white. What do you mean?

Are people picking you for the pickup team? No, they're not. So you're just not playing. No, I'm not playing. You're kidding. I swear to Christ, me and a bunch of comics and I go out there and I'm mostly just hanging out because they're like, oh, you know, maybe next one. I'm like, yeah. CJ, this is horrible. I'll be down here. I'm just practicing. They're on the one side of the court.

I'm just trying to. I don't. I have a very strange-looking side profile.

I'm on the other side just shooting. Just practicing the ball. Just practicing. Just waiting for my turn.

I'm not that great, but I mean, I'll be all right.

I can pass my ass off. I mean, you would stop and go, okay, that was a good pass.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's my shit. I get passed. I get in the paint because I'm tall and you pass it under and then I pass it back out. That's what I thought. You pass it under. I get you good open. The people think, because see, if I go in and I'm in the paint, right, I'm tall guy.

They're going to shoot. They're going to shoot. And so then another guy pulls in, right? So now two guys are on me in the paint and then I pass it out.

That's right.

They're like, no, we need a guy that can actually shoot. I'm like, if you need a guy to pass, I'll be right here.

I could be like, this guy's good. I'm a good passer, but this guy's real good. And then you can go, no, he's actually really good. And then they're like, I guess these guys are good. Yeah, that's a great idea, actually. Yeah, we got to get each other jerseys. We got to get jerseys.

Looking at each other or...

I respect that.

Yeah, so I don't remember much about it. I mean, God, PE. I mean, I was just not picked. I don't know. I just wasn't. I'll tell you what, this fifth grade teacher kind of picked me, though.

No, so the rest of the story, I was just fully into this lady, man. I just showed up with gifts. I was doing it all, bro. In the fifth grade. I was writing notes and shit. And... She leaves the school that year. She's like transferring schools or something. I don't know why. Could have been because of your ass. I have no idea why.

I still need to talk to my mom about that. I don't know why. So anyway, the short of it is she comes to my house to say bye to me. Oh. She's like, yeah, dude, she comes to my house. They buy me. She sits on the front porch. I remember I was sitting on the front porch and, like, talking about, you know, her leaving. What are you going to do in the future? Fifth grader. Her leaving.

She's like, look, just 10 years, all right? And, yeah, no, dude, I... So... Well, that's kind of sweet. So you left some sort of an impression that she came and hung out on the porch with you. And she gave me her email address.

And yeah, dude, I remember this is like actually a real, this is kind of embarrassing, but I sent her an email and I put the link to the video of the song Good Riddance by Green Day. Every time I hear that song, bro. You think about Miss Lucia?

Well, I just think about how embarrassing it was that I was like, it's never going to be the same.

oh yeah i was so sad i cried i did i was a little i was a little i was a little sweetheart i was in love with lizzie mcguire um and i watched the i remember watching the lizzie mcguire movie and getting fucking pissed that he she kissed that guy in it oh really yeah i was like crying my mom's like it's not real and i'm like he really

coaster oh there's like so pathetic dude oh god so funny i remember yeah i just remember like i remember bad stuff that happened to me i guess i didn't really i don't remember a lot of good that like cool stuff you probably had some good stuff yeah there was some stuff i guess but yeah it was mostly just some birthday party every now and again you had a birthday party look at her

That's right. And it was three years ago. And I was I wasn't even really doing anything as far as stand up wise, like too heavily out here. I was I was still like kind of bouncing around.

What is she doing now? Still gorgeous. Still doing her thing. I joke around that she's like, yeah, she's.

I should. I should just reach out to Hilary Duff and just go, hey, you know, I just did a Don't Tell and a Big Deal. Yeah. Watch that. I mean, you know, it's pretty good. I've been in love with you for years now. Rogan's basically my best friend. So if you want to come over and invite her, dude. Yeah.

Whoa, dude. Did you know all that? I didn't know any of this. This is starting to become like that. You know that show Six Degrees of Separation? That's what I'm saying.

I used to have dreams of her. I used to have intense dreams where I was on set of a TV show. I thought you were about to say I was on top of her.

She's screaming. She's like, get off me. I'm like, please, please. No, but so she, so I've had vivid dreams of me being on set with her and I'm like supposed to kiss her in the scene and I'm nervous about it. And I'm like reading the script over and over again. I'm like, are we sure about this? And everyone's like, yes. And I'm like, fucking shit. Okay, all right, okay.

And I'm like pacing and like she's there and I'm like, fuck, what am I gonna do? Yeah. So what happens? Do you end up kissing her in the dream or it's like a nightmare? No, I wake up and I never kiss her in the dream. I never kissed her in the dream. I never. When was the last time you had this dream?

This always happens to where it'll always be like it'll always be a sick joke or sick, like a sick joke, sick dream where I'm like, I want to be here forever. This is the reality I've meant to live. And then right as soon as I get it, almost the moment I get it, my mom walks in the door to wake me up or something from school, and I'm like, what?

Yeah.

I just want Hillary to up in the dream so badly. It's heartbreaking. Yeah, it's pretty funny. I remember just being obsessed with her, though. I mean, yeah, but I'm not. I mean, I don't know. She's... Hilary Duff's pretty. You got a modern picture of her. She's like a mom now. She's married. I could ruin it, but I'm not going to. Is this not modern? I could ruin it.

No, it's a family, dude. I can't believe you have a family.

I'd be like, look, let's be honest with me and you. No one else here. Let's be honest. Do your kids like the dad, really? Yeah, yeah. Do they really like him?

Oh, so you mean he's a liability to the family?

No, it has not.

Oh, that's good to know that he's a liability to the family. Yeah, let's put snakes in the house where kids live. Yeah. This guy's an asshole. Yeah. So you should leave him.

I don't like reptiles either. They're disgusting. Yeah.

And let's be honest, you're made of money. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be living my dream. You're made of money. We could have little bunnies, right? We could have maybe a little guinea pig or something. But get rid of these snakes.

You know, it's kind of crazy, man. I could go all into it, get personal. Should I do that? Should I go personal and get all into it?

Oh, my God. God. Oh, yeah. We get it. You're fucking weird, dude. Tarantulas. You ever had that? I feel like you're the type of cat. What, a pet? Like a turtle or something. I can see you having a turtle.

Yeah, I wanted a turtle. I do remember, this was another thing I remember my childhood. I remember going to a pet store, and it was a shitty little pet store in Louisiana. I was like, they were, I remember walking in and seeing so many flies. There was flies everywhere. And I was like, holy shit. Like, there's so many.

Flying around. Wild flies flying around the store everywhere. And then they had like little turtles, though. But yeah. You didn't get one? We didn't get one. We didn't go through with it. My mom just always thought it was too big of a fucking thing.

God, I just don't know if I want to.

You got a shrimp tank? I got a little shrimp tank. I got a little red cherry shrimp tank. Look that up. Look at a picture of a red cherry shrimp tank. Tiny red cherry bowl shrimp tank. Look that up. Do you have to feed them or you just like close it and they live? Dude, bro, you could feed them the same bag of algae for the rest of your life. And the bag will be like this big.

I mean, they are very, very, very, very tiny.

Oh, yeah. I'll show you the little. I'll show you. Yep. Those guys right there. But I don't have that many of them. Get them at Aquadome in Austin. Great place.

That is the place. See the little guys in the bottom right?

Yeah.

Yeah. So for the first month, that's the whole thing that the first month is like kind of a bitch. You have to like make the environment perfect for them, make sure that they're good. And then after the first month, it pretty much takes care of itself. Every now and then you have to kind of like change the plants or whatever if one of them dies or whatever.

But for the most part, I mean, it's pretty self-sufficient. Efficient? Self-sufficient.

Yeah. I mean, that's a Pokemon. That is the closest thing to a legitimate Pokemon.

They're extinct, too. They're going extinct.

We've just seen the same videos.

You want a little fish tank. You just haven't committed. I get it. I was there. We don't have the space. I was there six months ago.

I have it on my desk. It's just like a little, it's small. It's like a little tiny little guy. Does it stink? Oh, that's cool. That's not at all.

Ed, that's crazy. We haven't talked in like 100 and something episodes. 160 episodes.

It has a little bubbler in it, so it just kind of bubbles the water a little. It's nice.

A little bubbler. Yeah, it's great. And then it's just the little guys. A couple of them are pregnant right now. They're just the little guys just swimming around.

Yeah, the babies come out. The babies come out of the eggs, yeah. They put the eggs in, like, the moss.

I don't know. They said that the shrimp are kind of like, it's like snails and shrimp, and that's pretty much it. Everything else kind of, they have some things, like there's, like, some tiny little tetra fish that kind of are cool with them, but, like, for the most part, they're not a... They're not trying to hang. I've never even seen seahorses. I don't even know if they sell them like that.

I mean, I'm assuming they do, but I haven't seen any in any fish store or anything online.

We don't talk. And whenever I see you, man, you know what it is though? You're such a, you're a guy that's comfortable in the present. Or uncomfortable. I can't really tell, actually. When I see you, I'm like, I can't tell if his skin is crawling by just talking to me right now or he's so comfortable that it's like such a nothing to him.

Like it felt like soft. No, it looks very not secure whenever you pull up to you're like, damn, this is like someone's shit. But then you walk in, you're like, it's fucking huge compared to what it looks like on the outside. It's huge on the inside. It's huge.

Dead fish, too. Oh, gosh. They have just thousands of fish are going to be dead. I was thinking about that when I was in there. I'm like, bro, this is a wild thing to open, bro. If you're like, yeah, it's such a weird business. Like, yeah, I want to open a fish store. And you're like, dude, that's so much work. Like you have to take care of every tank. That's a bunch of lives on your hands.

You got a bunch of bodies you're gonna have to- You gotta have a generator like a motherfucker. And then it's also like- It's probably like a hospital. And then it's like the revolving inventory of like fish dying or what are you breeding them?

I don't know what the process is. Cause you, yeah, like you said, like, cause fish is straight up just up and die out of nowhere. Sometimes, you know, they just get sick and die. And so you have to, I mean, I can't imagine having to take care of all those fish. That is a weird, I was just walking around the other day. I'm like, damn, this is a weird business to go. Like you could open to anything.

You could have had a plant shop, maybe like a bowling alley. I want a bowling alley. That's all I fucking want. Even a hermit crab.

Yeah, right. You could have a hamster store or something.

Jesus. Also the smell in there. You got to deal with the smell the whole time. It's like, yeah, man, I would just rather have anything else. What's the business you'd open up? You'd think, I already have mine. Bowling alley. What's yours?

There's something about the smell in there too. Yeah, it's so, there is a- It's like I'm in the future right now. Right.

It's always so intense, too, because you're running. Oh, you think about unsecure fucking fortresses like the Aquadome, and you're running full sprint on one of those damn fucking forts in there.

Oh, yeah, there's something about the clank.

oh man yeah when you just body check somebody just the clank of that plastic yeah it's it's fun though i mean i they always go over the rules which is always kind of funny there's always a guy that's like all right guys before we enter i just want you guys to know a few rules and no one follows the rules no one gives a fuck about the rules in there once i want that's the that's the thing once the game starts the rules are out oh yeah it's just fucking chaos

I don't know. It's like his skin is crawling. Wait, why is his skin crawling? Because like you're... I can't tell if you're comfortable in the present or you're not comfortable in the present. I am not comfortable in the present. Oh, stop that. No, I swear, because that's why I didn't know if I should look at the TV or look at you. And you're very comfortable in the present.

Yeah, dude, you can't do shit, dude. I will laser blast you in the face right now.

Whenever I first moved here, I was joking. I was like, I can't believe Rogan bought this place. It's the mother shit, bro. It's the fucking mother shit. Uh, but yeah, no, it is like a full alien theme. And then I've been there actually. And they have a, they have a lot of good, they have a good arcade games in there.

Dude, this, I mean, yeah, man, it makes sense. It would have made sense.

Yeah, no, it's a gross parking lot, too. Texas loves that shit. Texas loves big old strip malls. They just got fucking everything in there, and it's just like nasty.

Oh, yeah, me? Shit, I'm out there eating McDonald's, and I'm like, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I do do that. And then I like, I don't know, I do kind of like going, there's something to me, I shit on the strip malls just for a second there, but there is something nice to me where I go, you know what, I'm about to hit a Goodwill, get some ice cream, go fucking... Yeah.

Bouncing the one, bouncing the other. I do kind of like that. It is kind of fun sometimes, especially when I'm on the road. That is nice. You get to just bang out and do a bunch of shit in a row. But yeah, I wish they had more bowling alleys here. I've been really into bowling lately. They just have the one. We've just been to the one.

Are you good at bowling? No, I'm not good. I can't even crack 200. I'm trying to crack 200 so bad. Do you put your thumb in the ball when you're doing it? I don't. I actually put two of my fingers like this. And then I just have, I hold them all. And then I put my other hand right here and I just kind of.

Yeah, spin it. Yeah, the raptor claw. People hate that though. They hate that. That's how I do it. That's how you've been doing it.

And you gotta get a glove. See, that's a new age way of doing it. And people really hate that. Like old school bowlers hate that that exists. They fucking hate it. They look at you doing it and they look disgusted.

You've been doing Kill Tony forever, and you're very comfortable with being in the big lights and the big show and everybody looking at you, and you're on it for years. I mean, you know, that's a feeding of itself. It's hard to do that. The longer I do stand-up, it even gets harder because then like the bigger the platform is, I just did a don't tell. How was that? It was great. I loved it.

No, I have my own ball and everything. I'm like, I'm kind of invested in it. You're kidding. You have your own ball. I have my own ball, dude. I know. It's kind of a problem, especially when I can't break 200 and I go with a bunch of my friends. Do you have a little ball bag? Okay, here's the thing. Don't say little. A little ball bag? Don't say a little ball bag. I tell you because it is.

Balling is a hard thing to get into because everybody fucking makes fun of you for it. I'm fucking sick of it. It's an older school kind of thing. No, but I'm saying you can't have it. You can't have shit. Golf, for whatever reason, if you have your own club, you're like, oh, nice. It's so cool. Wow. And then if you have your own ball, they're like, own ball. I agree.

And people go, you have your own shoes. Jesus. They're like, okay. Would you get the Velcro kind or do you lace them up? They're old school. I got them from a guy on Mark said he can get everything. America could stop making shit for five years. We can stop importing five years and we'll be good. Everybody get this. Just trade what Facebook marketplace trade around whatever you need.

People have all kinds of crap. People would be moving. They're like, I got a couch, a bed frame. I got a sofa. Free. Come take it. Got a coffee table. I got to leave today. People are just free. If you had a U-Haul or something, you could just go around Austin and just pick up free shit. Furnish a whole house. Yeah. And get some dead guys fucking bowling shoes while you're at it. It's great.

So you got yours on Facebook. Those are the ones I got. But they're all white. And they're called... They're all white? They're all white. That sounds cool. And they're from Facebook Marketplace. They're old school. Old school bowling shoes like that. And they were made by a company named Lynn's.

Yeah, I was like looking for a couple days.

And then they popped up, and I was like, wow, this is great. 30 bucks, I got a ball, bag, and shoes.

Same guy, yeah, same dead guy. Oh, and my bag looks just like that, but it's blue, and it has the white stripe. It looks just like that. What does your ball look like? Those are my shoes right there. It's called a hammer. It's called a... I think it's... Yeah, it's black. It's like a... Yeah, black hammer. Black hammer ball. No big deal. But no, they have a... Okay, he made it blue. That's great.

Yeah, no. And so Lens actually went out of business because their shoes were too good. And they would last too long.

They would last too long. And then they offered this horrible program. I mean, I would love to... I would love to talk to the guy that ran this company, but...

No, it's not. But he's probably dead. It's like 100-something-year-old. But anyway, he would offer them free shoes if the shoes went bad or didn't work or something.

You bought Lynn bowling shoes. It was just a bad... Business plan.

That's right.

It's going to be kind of shitty. And that's the truth. It's got to be shitty enough just to last long enough for people to go, damn, I kind of need a new one. Boom. You need a new one. Yeah.

So it's like, I had this a decent amount of time. Oh, yeah. That's why phones are perfect. They get they start updating and updating and updating and updating. Then about three or four years, you're like, damn, I can't start shit on this thing anymore. It's all clicky clacky and fucking glitchy. I got an iPhone 10. It's happening to me right now.

But it was like the bigger the, oh yeah, and I did that one too. I forgot about that. That was fun.

What do you mean? Your iPhone? It's very frustrating.

And do they just keep going forever? There's going to be an iPhone 450. That's what they're going to do?

And it's crazy, though, because they don't really know. Like, that's why you ever seen the video of the light bulb paradox? What's that? So light bulb paradox is basically the issue for creating products in America, basically, and really the world. But you can have a light bulb that just lasts forever. But we can create them, though. We could create them.

That's the same thing with the shoes shit, where it's like, yeah, you don't want to have a product that just lasts forever because there's no money in that. So they create light bulbs that last just long enough until you need to buy more. But we could create light bulbs that just last forever. Do you think we could create the- Same with tires, same with all kinds of shit.

The first, 18, yeah.

I think that could be forever. I don't really know. I'm not a light bulb expert, but I think, yeah, that's what the- That's not what we heard. Yeah, that's not what we heard, dude. Whoa, hang on. What did you hear?

Oh, so it just has to be one color forever.

I did. I do have McDonald's. I was comfortable in the present this morning. I'll tell you what. I was like, oh, I'm getting a fish fillet. Woo!

Get a smoke machine.

Oh, yeah. It's the same with the bowling, dude. The fucking, the fucking, what's it called? The rock and roll bowl.

You know what I'm talking about? You do that? You don't think that's too distracting? No, I can't. No, I hate doing it. I like it during the day when the lights are on, everything's bright.

No. I don't know what we called it as a kid either. But anyway. Cosmic ball. Cosmic, yes. And they, no, because it's distracting. Like you said, you can't see the arrows on the lanes.

Yeah, this guy, what's his face? Jason Belmont, I think his name is. He's a professional bowler. He's Australian, and he... He's like the big two-hander guy. The raptor claw.

i've never dude i haven't had a fish fillet i don't think like probably 10 years and i was like what made you get one today uh you know what i did not follow lint at all i'm not really a practicing catholic anymore but i uh there's something about um the marketing they i mean they got me they got me what with the death of the pope were you sad the death of the

He's like the best in the world. He's won like a multiple, whatever it's called, PBA. Think we'll ever be able to meet him? Think we could ever get him to get a whiskey? That guy. Look at him. Look at that guy.

I'll go throw it down the lane, I reckon. Yeah, I'll go throw it in the light.

australian what is it it's like you're asking a question it's like you're asking a question oh yeah or wait it's like you're asking a question then i'm from australia they say i reckon a lot yeah i reckon wait i reckon i reckon i throw down the lightning is that yeah yeah yeah yeah dude i love accents they all have english accents i like uh let's see australian who's your favorite what's your favorite accent

Oh, yeah.

They don't bowl because there's just too many. They don't have the infrastructure.

I wonder if there's a professional Indian bowler. Can you look that up? I'm curious. Okay.

It's hard. It's hard. I don't think they're out there. Apparently in Japan, big bowlers out there. You can go like a lot of bowling lanes in Japan.

They're big bowlers and small bodies.

I mean, the ball's fucking damn near bigger than them sometimes, and they're out there just throwing it. I know, I know. But know that they have a lot of Americans that live in Japan, and they have big tournaments out there for, I guess, expats or whatever. Yeah.

If somebody like gave you a little money, like money to move, would you move over there? Love Japan. You ever been? I've never been. I love everything about it though. I'm going to go to, we want to go to the Disney world there. Oh, I want to do that too. Yeah.

They have a Universal there?

The little yellow guy?

Okay, you know Minion. You fucking think I live on a rock? Okay, okay. Yeah, no, I...

Wait, you just reminded me of something. There's a Japanese mukbang girl.

And, dude, it is, like, unbelievable what she eats.

Is it nasty? That mukbang stuff makes me want to, like, pick something up and throw it into the wall. It's disgusting. And she's real thin. You know, she's vomiting it all up. Oh, yeah. So she, like, orders everything from McDonald's. And she's like, I'm going to eat everything from McDonald's in the next fucking two hours. And you're like, holy shit.

And she has it all. She's very good at editing. I don't know. But she's, like, speeding up. Yes, that lady.

And she gets numbers, dude. I'm talking like millions of views. God, and what is that? She's eating a bunch of raw eggs?

Yeah, it's a bunch of raw eggs.

I know, dude. She needs to be careful. Bro, she has like how many videos she's got? She has to have thousands of videos. And she just eats all this crap. Yeah, she just eats huge portions, bro. I mean, massive pork.

I need a fish fillet in honor of fucking Francis, bro. And R.I.P. Francis. And do we still call him Pope Francis, even though he's always Pope, even in the afterlife? Oh, wow. Always a Pope. Pope Francis. Always a Pope. OK.

She's very good at editing, like I said. It's all spit up.

No, she's definitely swallowing it all. Okay, okay. You think so? Yeah, yeah. And it's kind of impressive. You're like, God damn, how is she putting all this down? You could meet her if you moved to Japan. I'd love to meet her.

I wouldn't be able to communicate to her. I would just have to.

Yeah. Would you eat around her?

Oh, yeah. I would feel like, God, it'd be like shooting hoops with LeBron there. It would be weird to eat around her. She's just so good at eating. Look at her pounding. Look at that. What the fuck even is that? That must be some kind of thing they sell there. That looks like a good chicken sandwich that they do not sell in America. No, it's like a barbecue-y looking. That looks great.

How many did she put down in that video? You know it's like 50, bro. I'm telling you, it's crazy numbers.

But if you see her chewing. She's very funny. So like her captions are, so she's, I don't remember if she talks in it or I think she does talk in it.

Yeah, no, well, yes, but like she filmed the whole setting, but it's just like sped up. And she like talks about that through a video where she's like, I know a lot of people don't think I whatever, whatever. And she's like, talks about the whole thing about how she puts herself through all this stuff just to like put the content. It's kind of like sad.

Why are you doing this to yourself? She's doing it for the views, bro. It's sad. And she's just trapped in the food fucking sandwiches, bro. She's talking about how sad this like everyone doubting her online is. And then she's just like eating another burger and stuffing it down her face. It's crazy, dude. But I mean, she definitely makes money, bro. I don't even feel bad for her.

How many views does this video have? Let me see what that one has. It's got to have like 20 mil. No. It's crazy. I'm telling you, she gets stupid numbers. What do you think it is? A bunch of freaky people? Who's watching? I wonder who's watching.

What's her most viewed video? It has to be something crazy because, I mean, she's very popular.

Oh, yeah. Sausage. You know, there are fucking freaks in there. That's what it is. It's porn, and you guys are disgusting. Anyway, what's the- I'm sure some people treat it like that.

No, what's that? Yeah, the other lady was who I was talking about, though. The other lady with all the eggs. Oh, okay. She must be like, she's huge. She's big.

The one with all the eggs. No. They're like a little red cherry shrimp. Ugh. Yeah, dude. It's crazy. I mean, the McDonald's thing, too, is also like, God, you're killing your body.

It's going to be cold.

That's okay.

Yeah. No, I'll be fine. I'm going to be still pleased with it. Will you get like a medium fry with that thing? Oh, yeah. I always go sandwich something. I get a sandwich, and then I'll get the nugget meal with the fry. Oh, okay. Yeah, I put the nuggets down on the way here.

Oh, yeah. I'm mukbang that shit on the way here. Do you go to P. Terry's ever? Oh, I love P. Terry's. Yeah, that's where we go. I love some P. Terry's. I actually fell in love with Culver's, which is by me, and they have an incredible burger.

I mean, he was, yeah, he was an old school guy. I think he spoke, did he speak Spanish? I just spoke in Spanish, probably speaking some Latin. Definitely spoke Latin. And people don't even speak Latin.

Oh, shit.

I was so disappointed. So here's the deal. The first two times I went there, they got my shit wrong. I was very upset. Yeah. I wanted a burger. They gave me a chicken sandwich. Second time I go there, I ordered the curds. They gave me the fucking fries. Yeah. And so then I realized you only just get the burger there. You don't get anything else. The burger is the best thing to get there.

So everything is pointless.

Yeah, and it's so good, dude. I never, I didn't really know if that really mattered. I thought that was just kind of like cool, fun name, whatever.

No, it's really good. What, they're cooking it in butter? Yeah, and it's just, it makes the edges of the burger all, like the patty all crispy, and it's nice. Anyway. I have high cholesterol right now, so I have to be very careful. Now, is that from the butter or not? I don't know. I don't know where we stand on butter. It's kind of pissing me off.

Interesting. No. Well, I just don't understand because, you know, I've heard it multiple times on podcasts or whatever that, you know, it's a you butter is good. It's a it's a healthy fat or whatever. It's a it's a something fucking whatever the shit type food. And it's good for you. It's good for your cholesterol. It's good for everything. And what's crazy is in my lifetime.

They used to, they made, the whole thing was like, no, it's margarine. I can't believe it's not butter. I can't believe it's not butter.

That's what they found is that it's even worse. And it's just so crazy to me that they... that that still exists. And it's like, actually it's worse. And people were still selling it in their store. It's just like, we don't really, it's just funny to me that like, you know, the whole make America healthy again. It's just very funny. Cause like, dude, we've, we've never been healthy ever.

Like it's not good. Great. Subjective. Great. Maybe, but like, bro, great. You, who knows? But healthy is like, no, bro, they've been putting poison in our food. And before that, everybody just smoked cigarettes inside.

So good. Come on.

Fuck, from all the red Skittles?

Yeah. That's true. You just gotta swallow it.

little you can enjoy it for a little because if you just swallow it immediately you're not gonna just gonna be like you're taking a pill oh that's crazy yeah a little sugar they're not that worth it to me i do love the orange ones and that's probably just as bad i could just eat just the orange ones i fuck with orange no really that's your favorite one orange is my favorite

Wow.

But you don't like it more than grape or I guess there's not many other. Lime?

See, for me it goes orange, red. Oof. I don't like sour apple. I'd say orange, red, grape. I'm going to have to go lime lemon. Lime, lemon. Lime, then lemon. Lemons last, but still, all right.

No, I don't think anyone likes the lemons the best. I don't think there's a person alive that likes it like that, which is kind of funny because it's like, hey, switch up the flavors. If all the flavors were just as good as the fucking red ones, I don't think people would put down Skittle.

I can't believe that you can remember that. I don't remember. Dude, I'm this is this is me thinking I have like early. Of course, every time I smoke, I think I have early onset dementia or something. As do I. I do too. But I swear to God, I like, people like just talk about their fucking fourth grade teacher or some shit.

Yeah, I love it. Ooh, you can just start eating those things. And now they got these natural Skittles. You ever heard about them? No. They're called something. It's like a little fun name where it's like, uh, it's like, uh, it's like fecals or something like that. And it's like, it's like a little play on the name or it's like, oh, these are like healthy Skittles or whatever.

And they're, they're expensive as fucking piss. I don't know what the hell they're like $7 or something, but there's a bag of them and they're, they're, uh, I guess like natural fruit flavorings and, uh, natural. This is made by the Skittle people. No, another company. Skittle people love poison.

Mustard skittles. Oh, come on. That's not real.

You just put that on your hot dog. It's like, come on, mustard skittles. God, could you imagine? That'd be so gross, bro. Yeah, you got a hot dog flavored bag now. We got relish skittle. We got mustard skittle.

She's a mother of like three or something.

Do any of the kids look alike? No, they don't.

Do y'all look at each other or you just look at the screen?

Hey, I know this is, like, awkward and all, but I don't know why.

One of those kids looks like... Yeah, I just think the timing of it is strange, how they're, like, basically the same years apart of me as the years I was in fifth grade. Yeah, I mean, I did the math, so... Kind of weird that your kid's, like, 20, and that was about the same amount of time as... Because how old are you now? I'm 30.

And I'm like, I don't, I remember some names, but bro, it's mostly a blur and it makes me feel bad. It makes me sad. And the older you get. These people loved me and I forgot this completely.

And so the kid would have to be 20 if I was 10 in fifth grade and hooked up with her, right? Yeah.

So you're like, yeah, he's 20 and he looks just like me and kind of sounds like me. That's the weird part. I see that in your videos, he sounds just like me.

You'd have to just break in if she wouldn't let you in. Look, I feel like this is my child. What are we doing about that? Yeah. And then her husband, I mean, I'm going to be honest. They were, I don't know, man. How did he look? I'm going to be honest. She didn't look happy. You could tell in photos. You can tell a lot of the time. She didn't look thrilled to be there in all the pictures.

Well, reach back out. I think you should. And I just send another fucking Green Day song.

Just been thinking about you.

This is very sad looking. That's really small if you just want to show people. Look at that.

Let's just see what this is like.

It's pretty good. I don't, the cold, I don't even know if that matters, but.

I will say, it's like one of those, it's like a cafeteria fish stick, but flat. That's what it tastes like.

You're like, who knows what's in there?

I had like, well, this is also what fucked me up. I went to a Catholic school for a few years in middle school. And I, uh, we had like five teachers cause they would do different, uh, like, uh, classes, different, uh, yeah. Subjects. Each teacher would be a different, did you not have a homeroom teacher?

Dude, I mean, I'm going to enjoy my Filet-O-Fish, and I thank you so much for putting me on this.

What is Do All Uncles Kiss on Lips?

That's fucking insane. It's crazy. These people are nuts.

Oh, my God. Thank you. I love y'all. I mean, I don't even know who you are. It seems like a lot of these names are very fake, but I appreciate it. I know. Wow. That's crazy. I didn't know anything about that, but it's cool. Thank you. Watch my don't tell for fuck's sake. Yes.

Watch his don't tell. CJ's don't tell. You voted for him. Please. Watch it. Please.

I love you guys. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. Little Miss Becky.

Fucking awesome. All right. Shit, yeah, dude. And where can people find you, CJ? The CJ Landry on Instagram. Some asshole took CJ Landry. I've been messaging him for, I don't know, two years. God, it's crazy. That's what people do sometimes. And he's never on Instagram. Never. He just doesn't even use it. Whatever. It's fine. I'll get it one day. I'll get it one day.

It is so fucked up. Like, it's kind of crazy.

And Lucy, if you're out there, hey.

Were they hitting y'all with rulers and stuff? Oh, it was nasty. They, like, kind of flexed it on us. Like, if you went to the principal's office, she would have, like, a pallet, like, hanging up in the... You remember that? Yeah, she would have the, I don't remember her name, but I do remember that. It's kind of hard. It's like most things that hit me, I remember.

Ooh, it is your call. You can look at each, you can look at William.

But the palette on the, yeah, she would have it on the palette and she would have it like, where it was like ingrained or something, where it's like, you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, where it's like carving into it so that whenever it would, the idea was if it hit you, it was on your ass. Yeah, but like- And there's some woman doing it? Right, and she was like- At school? She was like, see? You see that? At a Catholic school? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they were allowed to hit us.

I mean, yeah, shit. My parents were like, I mean, yeah, you ain't getting a break here, so you might as well keep it going. My dad would hit the fuck out of me, dude. With what, a belt? My dad hit me with a belt before, yeah, but it wasn't usually the belt. He would just usually smack me. He would also do this thing where he'd flick me in the head. I hate that. I had a friend who used to do that.

He would like flick me in the head anytime he was like pissed off at me. And that kind of hurts. Yeah, it did.

Because I like looking at you at the screen, but then also like looking at you here, it's just kind of like, it's a weird like turning thing, but... It's a weird, so we're going to have to figure this out. This is like a newscast. I feel like it's better to be like a newscast. I can see you good. You know what I mean? I...

Was it a bee? It's such a really specific, yeah, there you go. It was a very like, it's a focal point and pressure where you're like, get like a little fucking hit and you're like, God damn, that hurt right in that one spot. It's horrible. Where you just hit that head.

Why are you whistling like that?

People are like, they do it with the fingers. I hate that. Yeah.

Yeah, speaking of that, it's so funny. My dad was a good whistler. He was able to do a lot of wild stuff with like whistling. Yeah, like what? He could, I mean, because he could do like, so he has these things where he could cup his hand. Apparently David Letterman used to do it. This is where he learned it from. But you could like do this, like, it's like a, I can't do it.

Like a bird noise or something? It's like a turkey or something.

And then he can also do like a, like he, I mean, it's a full blown, like an instrument where he can do any kind of like, he could do music with it and shit. That's cool. Very strange that he learned that, but I don't know how he did it. He tried teaching me. I couldn't learn it, but I'm a mouth trumpeter. What's that? So like, I can like, yeah, it's like, just like, I don't know.

Like I'm trying to think of a song now. Similar to a mouth harp? Yeah. It's like,

No, he's got like a, it's good, huh?

Saxophone. Saxophone. That's right. He was good at a few things. Saxophone's another one, but yeah. And he became president.

You have to be real careful. We have to be careful of what we say. I'm not even kidding. You gotta be careful with who you marry when you're the president. I mean, my God. I couldn't imagine, but... That's dope. Yeah, I tried to get that.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, you're right. You're giving her a lot of power, too. I mean, that's the thing. They have that Beyonce song where women run the world, and it's kind of true because... I mean, dude, a woman can really take half your shit like that. For sure. And she can say whatever she wants, and people are going to believe her more than they're going to believe you. That's just the facts.

For sure.

It's like this weird.

I'm looking at you right now, but you look like you're looking at yourself.

I can't imagine the stipulations.

She gets the left wing of the White House and you're like, fuck.

Yeah, I won the presidency, bitch. This is my house.

So she fumbled the bag, kind of. Yes, she could have been the- She could have been first lady if she fumbled the bag. Damn.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Well, who do you think you're your favorite president is of all time?

Maybe. I just remember kind of being horrified by school a lot. I didn't like the schooling part of it. I talked about this recently, but I do remember fifth grade a lot because I was in love with my fifth grade teacher.

This was crazy. Well, Lucia, we'll say that. But I won't say her full name, but she was a Latina. I mean, come on. She's a, you know, whatever. Have you looked her up now? I have recently, actually, because... Me and my girlfriend at the time was like, because I told her this whole story and it was just kind of like, oh, this would be kind of funny to like look at her up now.

Yeah, yeah. She wanted to look her up and see her. She was probably like, who's this bitch? Freaking fifth grade teacher. Fifth grade teacher would be like-

Dude, and I mean, here's the thing. I was in love with this lady, and I would have been fine with it. I would have been woohoo. I didn't know anything about sex at all. I just knew I wanted to rub my dick on her tits. That's all I wanted to do. I knew that. I knew that for a fact. That's what I wanted to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know anything else about sex, though.

I look like, well, I look like, well, I'm asking, what is it like? Because I'm looking at myself right now. Hang on. I just realized I can't look at me while also looking at you. So I have no idea what it looks like whenever I look at me. Hold on. Yeah. Look at. Hold on. Wait. Yeah, you're right. Hold on.

Oh, my gosh. I mean, first of all, I would have busted immediately. I was so into her. It was crazy. But anyway, so I hit on her first week of school. I walked up to her. I was like, hey. Because my buddy was like, you got to go do it.

My buddy just hated her. Yeah, that's pretty bold. Yeah, my buddy just hated me and wanted me to just kind of do it as a fog dude.

Then I walked up to her. I was like, hey, are you single? You're shit. I swear to Christ, that's exactly what I said. And she laughed. She goes, why is your dad single? And then I was like, no, he's with my mom. I'm like, is it me? She just stood there. She was like, oh, that's crazy. I mean, that's not like, no. She had this very like, okay, walk away. Yeah, yeah.

But the whole year, bro, the whole year, I was dedicated to making sure this lady knew that whatever happens, whatever happens, I'm all in. You're cool with it. You're not going to be snitching.

She did not have a linebacker's fucking neck. And jailed.

How big was the lump?

Sometimes I feel like I have a lump and it's just like a part of my body. You got to check the other side. That's what I learned. You got to check both sides. Oh, this is on both sides of my neck. So that's just part of my neck.