Clementine Breen
speaker
153 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Mar 2025
last heard Mar 2025
Clementine Breen’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
truly male if that was the truth but they kept affirming that my discomfort with my body was related to the fact that i was supposed to be born male and that because i fit in better with males at school or things like that that that was somehow also evidence yeah okay first of all that's not evidence right i mean some boys
I had spoken to my guidance counselor about my feelings about my body, and I had suggested that I might be transgender to her, but I had also said that I might be lesbian or bisexual or things like that. We just had a lot of very open-ended conversations. But at a certain point, she sort of latched on to the idea that I might be transgender.
And after that meeting, she called my parents and told them, and they're the ones who took me to Olson Kennedy. However, pretty shortly after that conversation with my parents, it was actually my guidance counselor who told my entire school that I was a boy and that they were to only use male pronouns for me and that all the teachers had to call me by a different name.
And at the time, it kind of... Felt nice in a way that I didn't have to really do any of it myself, but it also really removed any accountability on my end because I had really no actual control over the decision, and I didn't have to have those conversations face-to-face with my parents or my peers as well. So it was taken out of your hands.
No, and I also, when I was living as trans at that point, before I had gone through with any medicalization, I had just cut my hair short and was wearing baggy clothes, which I was also doing because my body was changing. Yeah. Right, right, right. But people, and what were people calling you at that point?
At the moment, yeah. Was it only a relief? No, it was definitely mixed emotions because also... I was a bit overwhelmed at the same time because everything happened so fast. I mean, it was just like three months at that time.
Yeah, at school I was... I wouldn't call myself popular, but I had friends and people liked me. I was fairly well liked. I was definitely, as I hit puberty, I was getting more awkward and definitely more reserved and shy. Going through puberty definitely triggered something in me that was kind of...
noticeable from other people around me right and when i originally came out as transgender i lost a ton of friends sort of immediately but after a year or so i started getting way more popular than i had ever been while living as female and why i think it was because of
the sort of initial confidence boost that I had, but also I definitely felt more comfortable asserting myself in ways that are traditionally masculine that I was sort of reserved from before. Definitely just because I was insecure and shy, I don't think... that my trans identity benefited me in any way. But I did notice that people started to respect me more.
I started taking testosterone at 13.
Pretty quickly, my voice started to deepen a bit and I started to grow facial hair. My stature changed. I got a bit more confident and I was very restless and angry all the time. As my dose increased, I started having very, very negative side effects that eventually sort of diverged into full-blown psychosis. But at the time that I was 13, that wasn't happening yet.
Okay, how? I think once I started to physically conform to the male identity, it was easier for people to see me that way, which also definitely made me feel better in a short-term sense, but it didn't actually resolve any of the mental problems I was experiencing.
Yeah, I started to discuss that around 17 with a different therapist.
It was a while, yeah. Why the lag, and then why did you decide to delve into it? Well, I had sort of assumed that my transition would fix all of those issues because that's sort of what I was told, is that my body issues would resolve and that once I started fitting in better at school, I'd feel less shy. And...
That did sort of happen, but I also got more reckless and more depressed and more anxious and I could hardly sleep and things like that were just happening. And it got so bad by the time I was 17, I could hardly focus in school. I was up all night, every single night. My insomnia had become psychosis. What were those symptoms? I was having full-blown hallucinations. Auditory or visual?
Visual and auditory. Mostly auditory. It was like hearing voices and whispers and shouting from the other room.
It was a lot of, this is all in my therapist notes, but it was a lot of stuff about hurting other people and specifically men, which was something I had actually talked to Landon about. And she attributed to my trans identity. Do you have an alternative attribution? I think that it was because of the sexual abuse that I experienced.
Certain things would be if I had positive relationships with people, I would always be told to hurt those people or say certain things. In class, it would always be like, you have to get out of here. You have to run or like things like that. Lots of like whisperings that would overlap at times. But it was always trying to get me to do things that were very impulsive.
And sometimes I would do those things and I would act very impulsively or out of control or really high risk behaviors I was doing.
Yeah, around 16, 17.
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