Comedian

I'm this weird part of my life. I really am.

I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do. Yeah!

Farmer's Market? Oh, boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.

I'm this weird part of my life, I really am.

I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do.

Farmer's Market? Oh boy, would I? My buddy dies, I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.

Farmer's Market? Oh boy, would I? My buddy dies. I show up to the funeral. Open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you.

I'm this weird part of my life. I really am.

I am getting along with my wife better than I ever have. All you have to do is agree to something that you would never do. Farmer's Market? Oh, boy, would I! My buddy dies, I show up to the funeral, open casket. You told me he was dead. I believed you!

Otsuka Okotsuka and her new, original, hilarious stand-up special.

Your daytime friends can't meet your nighttime friends, because then they'll know you're a liar.

Father is coming to Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus June 13th.

I asked my husband the other day how to turn on the washing machine, and that's how he realized that he had been doing the laundry all these years.

Otsuka Okotsuka, Father, streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus June 13th.

Oh mein Gott, he's killing it. That's great.

It's fun, dude.

Patrick Ewing joining us. What did you know about the possibility of that 85 lottery being fixed?

Their bodies laying around. This will not end well. Please just hear me out.

I take his hand in mine. Together we stand. Have we found peace?

The World Health Organization? Oh my god! Meet who? The WHO owl. Where will the next global pandemic start? Who knows?

Das extra Pfefferspray kann dein Abend aufspüren. Die restliche Stun Gun, jetzt ein Auto-Battery-Jumper. Benutze eine Pipe Bombe als Dumbbell. Und anstatt das Flaggpult zu bewegen, versuche es als Flaggpult zu benutzen. Das Hornhelm ist dein neuer Coat Rack. Aber behalte all das Leim, das du gekauft hast, um Gallos zu bauen, weil Mike Pence immer eine Option ist.

This message was brought to you by your local hardware store. We don't accept returns. Next time we'll discuss how to get vaccines out of your body.

Crazy.

I thought it was Eddie Bravo. Donald Trump is some kind of tough guy. He's not. I mean, look at him. He wears more makeup than Dolly Parton. Wines like a baby. The guy's afraid of birds. Donald Trump had his daddy pay a doctor to say his little feet hurt so he could dodge the draft. Look at that gut. Like a garbage bag full of buttermilk.

He sells imaginary baseball cards pretending to be a cowboy fireman. Guy's barely strong enough to hold an umbrella. While he's working out.

I don't know. Pink chickadee.

Big ones. Like Dolly Parton. He cheats at golf. He creeps around beauty pageant dressing rooms. You know that little dance he does?

He's moody. He pouts. He throws tantrums. No, get those lights off! He acts like a five-year-old behind the wheel of a truck. He bends over for Putin. This cat here on social media is a middle school bean girl. The guy needs help walking downhill. Almost there, Grandma. So this November, let's stop kidding ourselves. Donald Trump is afraid.

Look at this. The punches. Murrow street. And being locked at.

Mostly, he's terrified that real red-blooded American men will find out that he's a weak, tubby toddler.

Don't you know I'm a tough guy? I won't grab you by the...

And I am truly honored to be here, even though all of Hollywood pulled out now that King Joffrey is president and it feels like the Red Wedding in here. We gotta address the elephant that's not in the room.

Donald Trump has been saying that he will run for president as a Republican, which is surprising since I just assumed he was running as a joke. Donald Trump said recently he has a great relationship with the blacks, though unless the blacks are a family of white people, I bet he's mistaken.