Dan Harris
Appearances
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
This is massively exacerbated by COVID, but but in part because we as grownups didn't really understand that we we needed we started helicopter parenting and we needed to create a world for you where you're out there. bumping up against other kids and getting scrapes and getting insults and learning how to build up your psychological immunity. And that's on us.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
And so what I want to first remove, hopefully, is the shame. And then second, and this goes to masculinity, and I know this is something you think about a lot, Scott. It's like rethinking what is masculinity? Strength is part of it, but what is real strength?
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Real strength, I like in Buddhism, and I try to practice Buddhism, that one of the ancient symbols is a lion, which is a great symbol of ferocity, but it has nothing to do with dominance. It has to do with the courage to face your own shit.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
to face your own mind and that is what is required in order to do the work to take the risk to go out into social situations which is going to make you uncomfortable to make you gulp for air possibly to provoke a starburst of self-critical thoughts in your mind but that is courage And how do you overcome fear? You face it in manageable little steps. So take a little risk.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
divulge something personal to somebody you trust at work and see what happens. Go to the party that you otherwise wouldn't go to, but tell yourself you only have to go for five minutes. Baby steps of facing what scares you, and over time, it won't scare you as much. That is real baller courage.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Well, I still have panic attacks. Um, um, right now, the big place of panic for me is claustrophobia. So I've had a lot of trouble over the last couple of years on elevators and airplanes. I, to a certain extent, blame COVID for this because when COVID hit, we, I, I moved to the suburbs. I wasn't in the city. I wasn't on elevators anymore and I wasn't flying.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
And then when I went back to all of that, um, uh, I really started to struggle and panic feeds on itself. And so the only remedy is to face it, to actually put yourself in the situation that scares you. So I would literally ride elevators at the Westchester Mall with my shrink.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
uh who would help me you know see to work with cognitive behavioral therapy which is a psychological term of art to face what was scaring me to learn how to engage in supportive self-talk to talk myself through it and uh it really helped and and by the way if you We can go wherever you want here.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
But if you want a very specific answer to Scott's question earlier about cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to work yourself through the shit that scares you, whether it's social or anything else, I'm happy to talk about that because there's a lot to say there.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
We many of us believe that we have to have an inner drill sergeant in order to succeed. If somebody else talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, we would punch that other person in the face. And we believe, consciously or subconsciously, that we need this inner drill sergeant in order to get anything done. In fact, all the data show that an inner coach
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
is much more likely to get you to your goals. And this is referred to in the psychological literature as self compassion. So learning to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend, or to your kid or a mentee, There's a ton of data that shows that this is extremely helpful, especially in situations where you're scared.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
So you don't, I mean, it's very helpful to go into situations that scare you with a friend. And by the way, I would recommend that. But you can be your own friend in this regard. And it's slightly cheesy, but just learning to talk to yourself this way. And it just as a little technical tip here to use your own name when you're talking to yourself.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
So I just say, dude, like, dude, I'm getting on a plane. I'm worried about panicking in front of a bunch of strangers. Dude, like you can. This is just going to be a bunch of physical sensations. Breathlessness. pounding in the chest that you have experienced a million times and you're still alive, you can deal with this.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
That ability to talk to yourself that way is a trainable skill for anyone and extremely helpful.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Well, first of all, adolescence scared the shit out of me. Really rattling. It's one of the most, just on a level of craft, it's just one of the most, in terms of the acting and the filmmaking and the writing, it's just one of the most extraordinary pieces of art I have personally consumed in a long time. And absolutely, you know, with a 10-year-old boy, like...
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
yeah i couldn't get him out of my head my son out of my head throughout the whole thing and and so how does it approach uh impact my approach first of all i think a lot about making sure he has healthy relationships and we think he's an only child and so we think a lot about making sure he sees his cousins a lot and making sure that he has really good friendships uh that we are helping to nurture and that our house is a comfortable place for him and his friends to hang out um
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
So I think about that a lot. And then second, and again, I know this is something that you've spoken about a lot and you've been an inspiration for me in this regard, Scott, is trying to both model and preach a little bit to the extent that preaching is ever successful with a child, a different concept of masculinity.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
That strength does not come from denying my emotions, from compartmentalizing, from self-medicating with alcohol. And I'm not saying that all drinking is bad, but if you're doing it Not to feel your feelings. I worry about that. From showing respect to my wife in front of my son.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
I really think about trying to model a kind of fierce masculinity that is the ferocity that we referred to earlier in Buddhism of the ferocity that says, yeah, I have panic attacks. And I can admit that to the world. I can talk to you, my son, about this. That hopefully normalizes it for you. So, yeah, to me, that's all part of raising a healthy boy slash man now. Anthony?
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Well, uh, I think, I think it's totally fine not to watch adolescents. Um, and, Uh, I get it. It's incredibly stressful. It's also extraordinarily beautiful. Um, but the larger thing is what you said there at the end, Anthony, about breathing through what's going on, not only with, um, men and boys right now, but also in the whole world. This is a destabilizing time.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
So I'll leave you with one little axiom that's very helpful for me. And I think I spoke about this a little bit with Scott on Pivot a couple of months ago. Action absorbs anxiety. I love that. It can feel so powerless to sit and watch adolescence or to watch the fucking news these days. For many of us, we feel totally powerless and helpless and then we get into a toilet vortex of anxiety.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
You have more power than you think you can take action in your sphere locally. It doesn't even have to have anything to do with the issue you're worried about. You can just be marginally more helpful to the people in your environment. As I often say, like, what's it like when you hold the door open for somebody? If you're paying attention in that moment, it feels good.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
That feeling is infinitely scalable. The world is filled with opportunities to be helpful.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
dan harris seriously man no doubt seriously so fucking dreamy literally listen to that voice yeah it's funny my wife doesn't feel that way she somehow my voice they never do for her harris they never do but thank you thank you mr dan harris thanks dan on lost boys it's total pleasure big fan of both of you really appreciate you including me in this thank you bye
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
I do. I do have thoughts. This is just a huge topic, so I'm trying to figure out where to start. I do want to just double-click on what... That's such a douchey expression, but I'll use it anyway. On the point you just made, Scott, about... you know, the, the need to rethink masculinity.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
And I know you've been working on a book along those lines and, and, um, cause I, cause I listened to you a lot and, um, I think it's incredibly important and I think you're right. We're at a moment where it is. It's feeling more and more urgent.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
You may have already addressed this, but, you know, the Netflix show Adolescence, which is just incredibly powerful and really goes right at these issues. So, yeah, I spent a lot of time thinking about this. And in terms of both men and boys and women and girls and everything in between. We we do have anxiety rising globally. And what can be done about it?
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Well, there are many, many things to say about this. But I would say the number one thing and this is relevant to masculinity as well, is that we are isolated.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
lonely disconnected stuck in our own little worlds on our phones and that is i believe one of the major contributors to this spike in anxiety we're seeing all over the place we as a species did not get to the top of the food chain because we're the strongest we have no talons no wings uh don't have sharp teeth we're not particularly big when compared to other
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
charismatic megafauna, we got to the top of the food chain because of our ability to cooperate, collaborate and communicate. All of that is militated against by most aspects of our modern culture, which emphasizes tech driven isolation, individualism, And this if we don't have this social connection, if we don't have positive relationships, we wither.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
And to me, it just seems very clear that if we can get people to get more intentional about having positive relationships in their lives, it will go a long way toward addressing anxiety.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
That's an incredible statistic and it's incredibly disturbing. I am not, just to be clear, much of a policy thinker, a systems thinker. I'm much more about what can you as an individual do? So I'll just put that out there as a caveat before I answer your question. I think for a parent, it's about thinking this through.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
very clearly and understanding that if you're not helping your kid get FaceTime with other kids, you're hurting your child, not deliberately, but once you know, you know, and you can take better steps to make sure that your kids are getting that face-to-face interaction.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Now, if I'm directing my comments to somebody slightly older, a young man, or actually this could go for anybody who's feeling disconnected or lonely, The number one piece of advice is to volunteer. Get out there, do something useful for somebody else. This is the most empowering and ennobling thing you can. It reminds you of your own innate worthiness. It puts you in contact with other people.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
I worry about that. You know, it's interesting. My own life, you know, I look at the culture and I see many examples of toxic masculinity. I don't love that phrase because I do feel like it has been weaponized a little bit to... make men feel bad about being men. So I think it's accurate. There is for sure a version of masculinity that is quite toxic.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
So it's technically an accurate term, but sometimes there's something about the dialogue that has, I think, made it harder to reach men because we've somehow sent the signal either explicitly or implicitly that you're wrong or bad for just having a penis. And so I do want to just...
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
signal that I'm not trying to be overly, and this is another word that I worry about using, but overly woke here when I talk about toxic masculinity. I do see many, many avatars of unhealthy masculinity in the culture, the Tates, for example. But in my own life, I don't know if you guys know Strauss Zelnick, the very successful businessman. Sorry, were you going to say something?
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
OK, so you and I are connected by one degree of separation. Strauss is a very good friend of mine for about a decade. And I've been recently doing his work. He work out. He's the guy's almost 68. He's in incredible shape for any age. And he works out every day. He's got this thing called the program. And a lot of young men are in the program. And I go once in a while. And. meeting young men.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
You know, Strauss is not overly like a finger wagging about like eating cookies. He eats cookies. He eats more just like get get active, which I think is another, you know, get physically active. I think this is another great piece of advice for young men because it does put you in contact with other other people if you're doing it, you know, in a in a group setting.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
And it also is great for your mental health. But having said that, through the program, I've met a lot of young finance bros, guys who, when I was growing up, would have had a massive amount of casual misogyny just baked into their everyday conversation. And the young men I'm meeting are much more sensitive. And that may... you know, sensitive in a good way.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
They're just they're really earnest and and interested in talking about improving their own mental health. And and that may just be speak to the type of people that Strauss attracts. But it's interesting to me because I do look at the culture and I see to your question, Anthony, that that there are these great examples of how to do masculinity poorly.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
And then just in moving through the world, I see young men who are much less casually misogynistic than the world that I grew up in. And frankly, I hate to say this, that I participated in.
Lost Boys
How to be happier with Dan Harris.
Well, one thing to say is if you're freaking out about exposing yourself to social situations and you're you're young um recognize that this is not your fault you're not first of all you're not alone you're not like uniquely dysfunctional this is very very common and it's my generation our generation that created a world for you where you got insufficient training in how to do this in part