Dan Savage

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That leapt out at me when I was listening to your question. You guys opened your relationship? You know, when it was just the two of you, The sex was equal and even because every time you had sex, you were having sex with each other, monogamous relationship.

That leapt out at me when I was listening to your question. You guys opened your relationship? You know, when it was just the two of you, The sex was equal and even because every time you had sex, you were having sex with each other, monogamous relationship.

And then when you opened it up to just that one other person and became a kind of de facto throuple, and you're having a lot of three ways, you were still having basically the same amount of sex. You were both getting the same amount of dick.

And then when you opened it up to just that one other person and became a kind of de facto throuple, and you're having a lot of three ways, you were still having basically the same amount of sex. You were both getting the same amount of dick.

But now that you're going out to bathhouses, now that you're having NSA sex, no strings attached sex, anonymous sex, a kind of sex that your husband doesn't enjoy, He feels jealous. I don't think it's quite the right word. There is, I think, in gay male relationships, this masculine shit around competitiveness. We see our partners as people we love and equals, but also there's just this like...

But now that you're going out to bathhouses, now that you're having NSA sex, no strings attached sex, anonymous sex, a kind of sex that your husband doesn't enjoy, He feels jealous. I don't think it's quite the right word. There is, I think, in gay male relationships, this masculine shit around competitiveness. We see our partners as people we love and equals, but also there's just this like...

Competitive one-upmanship in male friendships, male relationships, and even gay male loving relationships, which is where this desire of your partners to keep up, to match you dick for dick arises. Maybe coming from, and if he can identify that as what he needs to let go of, maybe you can diffuse this tense situation.

Competitive one-upmanship in male friendships, male relationships, and even gay male loving relationships, which is where this desire of your partners to keep up, to match you dick for dick arises. Maybe coming from, and if he can identify that as what he needs to let go of, maybe you can diffuse this tense situation.

Right now for you, quantity is quality, but for your partner, quality matters more than quantity. Yeah. I've seen this in other gay male couples where they open their relationship up and one was getting a lot more play.

Right now for you, quantity is quality, but for your partner, quality matters more than quantity. Yeah. I've seen this in other gay male couples where they open their relationship up and one was getting a lot more play.

We talk about this a lot when it comes to straight couples opening their relationships where it's often a lot easier for a woman in an open marriage or relationship to find men willing to sleep with partnered women than it is for straight men to find women who are willing to sleep with partnered men. And so this competitiveness can play out differently in different relationships.

We talk about this a lot when it comes to straight couples opening their relationships where it's often a lot easier for a woman in an open marriage or relationship to find men willing to sleep with partnered women than it is for straight men to find women who are willing to sleep with partnered men. And so this competitiveness can play out differently in different relationships.

But I think it's really acute in male relationships because of that male competitiveness. It's almost like, you know, kids when mom and dad are dividing up the ice cream for dessert and you want to have your portions be exactly the same.

But I think it's really acute in male relationships because of that male competitiveness. It's almost like, you know, kids when mom and dad are dividing up the ice cream for dessert and you want to have your portions be exactly the same.

That sort of sibling rivalry I think can play out in game out relationships, but also that you're getting so much more than me, even though, you know, he's still getting some more. Yeah. but not as much as you. But what he needs to recognize and accept is that he doesn't want as much as you do. And so it's not a numbers game.

That sort of sibling rivalry I think can play out in game out relationships, but also that you're getting so much more than me, even though, you know, he's still getting some more. Yeah. but not as much as you. But what he needs to recognize and accept is that he doesn't want as much as you do. And so it's not a numbers game.

It's not about matching each other dick for dick and it being even and the portions of dick ice cream being exactly the same. It's about what do you want? What makes you happy? What does he want? What makes him happy?

It's not about matching each other dick for dick and it being even and the portions of dick ice cream being exactly the same. It's about what do you want? What makes you happy? What does he want? What makes him happy?

And there was something you said in your question that made it sound like your partner's going out there and getting some Anandic himself or nearly Anand or going with you to the bathhouses. And he's not enjoying what he's doing because it's not what he wants to do. He's only doing it to keep up. And if he could let go of that...