Dan Savage

And she stumbled over evidence of all of this, including the cyber sex? Correct. And by stumbled over, went snooping? Correct. All right. Seems to me the problem here isn't the 14-year-old. The problem is the emotional dysregulation of the adults in this 14-year-old's life and poor impulse control. I'm in an open relationship.

My husband and I sit side by side flirting with people online all the time and sending harmless messages. notes and showing them to each other. So this for me would be like not something I would police. But if your agreement with your girlfriend was you don't flirt with other women and you violated that agreement, okay, well there's poor impulse control on your part, but

My husband and I sit side by side flirting with people online all the time and sending harmless messages. notes and showing them to each other. So this for me would be like not something I would police. But if your agreement with your girlfriend was you don't flirt with other women and you violated that agreement, okay, well there's poor impulse control on your part, but

I lay the majority of the blame on your ex-girlfriend's part here. She involved her child, and now her child feels like she gets to involve herself.

I lay the majority of the blame on your ex-girlfriend's part here. She involved her child, and now her child feels like she gets to involve herself.

I will get right on that. I have your email. When we were setting this up, I will send you a note. I will flirt with you. I think the place to start here is an apology – to everyone, not just this 14-year-old, but all the other kids, all the other friends, all the other family, that she dragged into this conflict with you.

I will get right on that. I have your email. When we were setting this up, I will send you a note. I will flirt with you. I think the place to start here is an apology – to everyone, not just this 14-year-old, but all the other kids, all the other friends, all the other family, that she dragged into this conflict with you.

I think people have a right to confide in friends, to ask for advice, to share what they're going through with trusted intimates. I don't think it's fair when people say, you can't talk about our business with anybody else when we're in conflict. But this kind of nuking for online flirting and for, you know, they talk about micro infidelities.

I think people have a right to confide in friends, to ask for advice, to share what they're going through with trusted intimates. I don't think it's fair when people say, you can't talk about our business with anybody else when we're in conflict. But this kind of nuking for online flirting and for, you know, they talk about micro infidelities.

I guess this is kind of approaching macro infidelity, but you know, you didn't put her at risk physically. You didn't put your dick in somebody else and then have unprotected sex with her. You fucked around on the internet a little bit. There was an emotional violation in this connection with your ex, but it should have been something that you two could have handled privately.

I guess this is kind of approaching macro infidelity, but you know, you didn't put her at risk physically. You didn't put your dick in somebody else and then have unprotected sex with her. You fucked around on the internet a little bit. There was an emotional violation in this connection with your ex, but it should have been something that you two could have handled privately.

And she could have talked to an adult or two in her life about what to do. But she didn't. She went nuclear and involved all these other people and tried to destroy your relationships with all these other people to punish you. And now you're thinking about getting back together with her.

And she could have talked to an adult or two in her life about what to do. But she didn't. She went nuclear and involved all these other people and tried to destroy your relationships with all these other people to punish you. And now you're thinking about getting back together with her.

And it seems to me the bigger problem than how this teenager feels is the risk you take of getting back into this relationship. And what happens... Is she going to snoop on you for the rest of your life? Are you going to live in a police state? Are you allowed to have any privacy? Are you entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy in this relationship or not?

And it seems to me the bigger problem than how this teenager feels is the risk you take of getting back into this relationship. And what happens... Is she going to snoop on you for the rest of your life? Are you going to live in a police state? Are you allowed to have any privacy? Are you entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy in this relationship or not?

I think those are important things to hammer out with an adult when you're in an adult relationship, but I don't get the impression based on your ex-girlfriend's behavior or your summary of her behavior that you're in a relationship with an adult in good working order capable of emotional self-regulation.

I think those are important things to hammer out with an adult when you're in an adult relationship, but I don't get the impression based on your ex-girlfriend's behavior or your summary of her behavior that you're in a relationship with an adult in good working order capable of emotional self-regulation.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have trauma. I'm triggered. Blah, blah, blah. I'm triggered. No one can say boo to me that I stabbed you in the neck because I have trauma. No. One of the things you have to do as an adult to prove you're in good enough working order to be in a relationship is handle your shit, including past trauma.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I have trauma. I'm triggered. Blah, blah, blah. I'm triggered. No one can say boo to me that I stabbed you in the neck because I have trauma. No. One of the things you have to do as an adult to prove you're in good enough working order to be in a relationship is handle your shit, including past trauma.

And past trauma is not an excuse to inflict current trauma or future trauma on your kids. To say nothing of your partner. It's not a get out of emotional self-regulation free card.