Dan Savage

An affair would not happen. You wrote a terrific piece, cover piece for the Atlantic Magazine, why happy people cheat, I think was the headline. And one of the things you addressed was the existence of people who are happily married, love their partners. They're not the victims of contempt or neglect or betrayal in other forms besides sexual ones. And yet they had affairs.

They cheated on partners, that they had monogamous commitments, that they didn't want to hurt and don't want to leave and do love. which seems an almost impossible thing for people to wrap their heads around, except if people sit down and read your work.

They cheated on partners, that they had monogamous commitments, that they didn't want to hurt and don't want to leave and do love. which seems an almost impossible thing for people to wrap their heads around, except if people sit down and read your work.

The narcissists and the serial adulterers and the like scalding unforgivable betrayal that can't... All of that. It can't be anything but an attack and a desire to destroy your spouse. But this, I think, is something I wrestle with and what I do all the time is that people have this impulse to have an affair for their own reason, to assert their individuality, to feel alive.

The narcissists and the serial adulterers and the like scalding unforgivable betrayal that can't... All of that. It can't be anything but an attack and a desire to destroy your spouse. But this, I think, is something I wrestle with and what I do all the time is that people have this impulse to have an affair for their own reason, to assert their individuality, to feel alive.

And the way we've structured marriage and relationships and commitment, those things are in conflict.

And the way we've structured marriage and relationships and commitment, those things are in conflict.

But how do we build marriages so you can have commitment, intimacy, but also have those adventures that make you feel alive? And of course, people in open relationships that are functional and some open relationships aren't, they seem to be straddling that divide or have resolved that tension. Right.

But how do we build marriages so you can have commitment, intimacy, but also have those adventures that make you feel alive? And of course, people in open relationships that are functional and some open relationships aren't, they seem to be straddling that divide or have resolved that tension. Right.

that people who've made monogamous commitments and can't conceive of outside sex as anything but illicit or a betrayal can't quite do or get to.

that people who've made monogamous commitments and can't conceive of outside sex as anything but illicit or a betrayal can't quite do or get to.

Yeah, yeah. Well, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about something else that you've written, which is to desire is to want, and in the context of a long-term committed sexually inclusive relationship, the paradox or the problem is how do you want what you have? It's hard to want what you have. And I think there's this need in all of us

Yeah, yeah. Well, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking about something else that you've written, which is to desire is to want, and in the context of a long-term committed sexually inclusive relationship, the paradox or the problem is how do you want what you have? It's hard to want what you have. And I think there's this need in all of us

to be wanted by someone who didn't promise to want us all their lives, to have our desirability, our independence, our individuality affirmed, even if there's no acting on it, which is why you recommend, I recommend, For people in monogamous relationships, good flirting, good jealousy, to see your – you describe it in Mating Activity.

to be wanted by someone who didn't promise to want us all their lives, to have our desirability, our independence, our individuality affirmed, even if there's no acting on it, which is why you recommend, I recommend, For people in monogamous relationships, good flirting, good jealousy, to see your – you describe it in Mating Activity.

When you see your partner through the eyes of another who is desiring your partner, who may be hitting on your partner because they didn't look for the wedding ring or they don't care about the wedding ring, but you know your partner is going home with you, that that can revive – your ability to see what's to want your partner again, to want them back.

When you see your partner through the eyes of another who is desiring your partner, who may be hitting on your partner because they didn't look for the wedding ring or they don't care about the wedding ring, but you know your partner is going home with you, that that can revive – your ability to see what's to want your partner again, to want them back.

And I do think that that's a powerful drive that we don't, we don't know what to do with, in committed monogamous, successfully exclusive relationships. Like how do you allow for your partner to want to be wanted by someone whose job it isn't to want them and make space for that and trust that you're not going to get cheated on.

And I do think that that's a powerful drive that we don't, we don't know what to do with, in committed monogamous, successfully exclusive relationships. Like how do you allow for your partner to want to be wanted by someone whose job it isn't to want them and make space for that and trust that you're not going to get cheated on.

There's no fair proof in your relationship, despite all the books you may have seen in the self-help sections.