Dan Savage

That's a win. That is a win, take the win. And if you're gonna feel sad about anything, I mean, feel your feelings, you can help but feel your feelings. You can recall to each other how exciting sex was when you first met. And what it was like those first times that you fucked, I don't know how you and your husband met. Did you meet wholesome introduced by friends at a dinner party?

Did you meet in a sex club? Did you meet through Grindr? Like 30 years ago, probably not Grindr. How did you meet? You can talk about that and like feel nostalgia. You can also allow yourself to feel loss because the excitement that you got from each other, that doesn't come back, but you always have to balance that kind of acknowledgement of what

Did you meet in a sex club? Did you meet through Grindr? Like 30 years ago, probably not Grindr. How did you meet? You can talk about that and like feel nostalgia. You can also allow yourself to feel loss because the excitement that you got from each other, that doesn't come back, but you always have to balance that kind of acknowledgement of what

was present in your relationship when it was new and isn't anymore with a thumb on the scale where you're looking at and valuing everything you are to each other now that you couldn't be to each other then and the ways in which your relationship has deepened so that when you think about that loss, you're also thinking about what you've gained.

was present in your relationship when it was new and isn't anymore with a thumb on the scale where you're looking at and valuing everything you are to each other now that you couldn't be to each other then and the ways in which your relationship has deepened so that when you think about that loss, you're also thinking about what you've gained.

And what you've gained recently is this kind of excitement that you thought, people together 30 years don't have this kind of excitement in their life unless they're fucking somebody else together. You have this kind of excitement.

And what you've gained recently is this kind of excitement that you thought, people together 30 years don't have this kind of excitement in their life unless they're fucking somebody else together. You have this kind of excitement.

back and you're doing that for each other you are exciting each other in a way that you used to when it was just the two of you and now you excite each other in this way by dragging some strange dick home and that's awesome All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.

back and you're doing that for each other you are exciting each other in a way that you used to when it was just the two of you and now you excite each other in this way by dragging some strange dick home and that's awesome All right, time for listener feedback. First up, some of the comments left on last week's show in the very lively comment threads at savage.love.

Lots of people jumped into the comments to talk about the East Coast academic who felt bad about how he fetishized his cowboys when he could fetishize something completely unproblematic instead like skinheads. Anyway, says Chris T., the guy with the cowboy fetish has nothing to be ashamed of because black and brown cowboys exist. Cattle rustling used to be considered lowly field work.

Lots of people jumped into the comments to talk about the East Coast academic who felt bad about how he fetishized his cowboys when he could fetishize something completely unproblematic instead like skinheads. Anyway, says Chris T., the guy with the cowboy fetish has nothing to be ashamed of because black and brown cowboys exist. Cattle rustling used to be considered lowly field work.

The term cowboy once was a derogatory term because 50 to 60% of cowboys were Latino and black. The only thing racist about cowboys is how Hollywood whitewashed and excluded people of color from portrayals of them. There are books out there and photo journals dedicated to black cowboys that could make this man feel a little less guilty about his preference.

The term cowboy once was a derogatory term because 50 to 60% of cowboys were Latino and black. The only thing racist about cowboys is how Hollywood whitewashed and excluded people of color from portrayals of them. There are books out there and photo journals dedicated to black cowboys that could make this man feel a little less guilty about his preference.

Says John H., also about the cowboy thing, There were, of course, genocidal cowboys, but jobs like banker, landlord, senator, or president should be way higher up on the worried-about-contextual-racism scale. That's a good point, John, but you know, I've never met a person with a president fetish, but I will bear that in mind if I ever get a call from one.

Says John H., also about the cowboy thing, There were, of course, genocidal cowboys, but jobs like banker, landlord, senator, or president should be way higher up on the worried-about-contextual-racism scale. That's a good point, John, but you know, I've never met a person with a president fetish, but I will bear that in mind if I ever get a call from one.

Finally, he says, ooh, shiny88, Dan, I always feel so validated when you talk about kinks emerging in early childhood. I literally remember tying up and making little cages for my Barbies. And I didn't understand why I was embarrassed about it and would try to hide that from my parents. Fast forward 30 years and dot, dot, dot. Well, I'm sure you can guess what turns me on. All right.

Finally, he says, ooh, shiny88, Dan, I always feel so validated when you talk about kinks emerging in early childhood. I literally remember tying up and making little cages for my Barbies. And I didn't understand why I was embarrassed about it and would try to hide that from my parents. Fast forward 30 years and dot, dot, dot. Well, I'm sure you can guess what turns me on. All right.

For more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at Savage.Love, where I usually respond to listener and reader comments at length. But for the rest of the summer, we're having a little experiment where I post a letter that's too long for the column and let my superstar commenters at Savage.Love weigh in and give advice. Struggle session goes up every Thursday at savage.love.

For more listener feedback, check out Struggle Session every Thursday at Savage.Love, where I usually respond to listener and reader comments at length. But for the rest of the summer, we're having a little experiment where I post a letter that's too long for the column and let my superstar commenters at Savage.Love weigh in and give advice. Struggle session goes up every Thursday at savage.love.

We're not putting it behind a paywall for now while we conduct this little experiment. Watch for a new one. This Thursday, jump in, give some advice. And now everyone's favorite part of the show, the part where I shut my big gay mouth and let my listeners have the last word.