Dan Savage

And to give yourself the credit, perhaps, of having created the kind of cognitive dissonance in the homophobic parent of a queer kid that ultimately, usually, typically, when it resolves, resolves in the kid's favor and the letting go of the homophobia. You're a peer to this woman. You came out to her spine, ripped into her. Thank God. I'm so glad you did the right thing.

The text messages you got afterwards, kind of a win. Take the win.

The text messages you got afterwards, kind of a win. Take the win.

Of course you're going to be excited about the sexual adventure you're about to have with your husband when a third is coming over. Of course that, objectively, there's more to get excited about there than having sex with your husband again, who you still love and want to be with. But...

Of course you're going to be excited about the sexual adventure you're about to have with your husband when a third is coming over. Of course that, objectively, there's more to get excited about there than having sex with your husband again, who you still love and want to be with. But...

Sex in the context of a multi-decade, long-term, committed, romantic, and still sexual relationship is different than sex with somebody new. It doesn't get the cortisone and the adrenaline pumping in quite the same way. It is great in other ways. There's intimacy, there's familiarity, there's comfort, there's this deep understanding of your erotic imaginations and inner lives.

Sex in the context of a multi-decade, long-term, committed, romantic, and still sexual relationship is different than sex with somebody new. It doesn't get the cortisone and the adrenaline pumping in quite the same way. It is great in other ways. There's intimacy, there's familiarity, there's comfort, there's this deep understanding of your erotic imaginations and inner lives.

And there is something about, you know, sex with somebody you've been with for decades and decades and decades that is, it confirms what you mean to each other. You're not exploring what you might mean to each other. There's nothing risky about it.

And there is something about, you know, sex with somebody you've been with for decades and decades and decades that is, it confirms what you mean to each other. You're not exploring what you might mean to each other. There's nothing risky about it.

And so, yeah, like you guys just need to both accept, like when there's a third present, like that's exciting in a way that you two can't be exciting for each other anymore. There's a lot of other things that you two can be for each other after 30 years that some rando you found on Grindr who's on his way over can't be for you, for either of you. And it's just different.

And so, yeah, like you guys just need to both accept, like when there's a third present, like that's exciting in a way that you two can't be exciting for each other anymore. There's a lot of other things that you two can be for each other after 30 years that some rando you found on Grindr who's on his way over can't be for you, for either of you. And it's just different.

And what's great about what you're doing is you have your husband and he has you and you're having this kind of excitement too. with and for each other. This is happening for the both of you, not despite your marriage, not despite your relationship, but because of your marriage because of your relationship.

And what's great about what you're doing is you have your husband and he has you and you're having this kind of excitement too. with and for each other. This is happening for the both of you, not despite your marriage, not despite your relationship, but because of your marriage because of your relationship.

So this excitement, although there's like this outside force acting on your relationship and your sexual connection, that's creating this kind of excitement, it is a part of your sexual connection and your relationship. And you should, Look at it that way.

So this excitement, although there's like this outside force acting on your relationship and your sexual connection, that's creating this kind of excitement, it is a part of your sexual connection and your relationship. And you should, Look at it that way.

Not, oh, it's a terrible sign that we're excited about this three-way in a way we're just not excited about the kind of routine, regular, sometimes maintenance sex we have with each other. And that's a bad sign. And we should be as excited to have sex with each other now as we were the night we met when we were still strangers to each other for the most part. I'm sorry.

Not, oh, it's a terrible sign that we're excited about this three-way in a way we're just not excited about the kind of routine, regular, sometimes maintenance sex we have with each other. And that's a bad sign. And we should be as excited to have sex with each other now as we were the night we met when we were still strangers to each other for the most part. I'm sorry.

There's no getting back to that with somebody you've been with for 25 years, with somebody whose farts you could identify in a room with 100 people farting in it. There's just no way to get back there alone together. But you guys have managed to get back there alone together with a third to experience this kind of excitement about your shared sex life. That's awesome. That's a superpower.

There's no getting back to that with somebody you've been with for 25 years, with somebody whose farts you could identify in a room with 100 people farting in it. There's just no way to get back there alone together. But you guys have managed to get back there alone together with a third to experience this kind of excitement about your shared sex life. That's awesome. That's a superpower.

That's a win. That is a win, take the win. And if you're gonna feel sad about anything, I mean, feel your feelings, you can help but feel your feelings. You can recall to each other how exciting sex was when you first met. And what it was like those first times that you fucked, I don't know how you and your husband met. Did you meet wholesome introduced by friends at a dinner party?