Daniel Oppenheimer

Every marriage has periods of disconnection, but what if you could have fewer of them? That's what I wanted for my marriage and what I wrote about for today's Sunday read. I love my wife, Jess, deeply. From the start of our marriage, though, we've just had a lot of conflict. Jess has always sprinted toward intimacy and vulnerability at a thousand miles an hour. I'm pretty much the opposite.

Every marriage has periods of disconnection, but what if you could have fewer of them? That's what I wanted for my marriage and what I wrote about for today's Sunday read. I love my wife, Jess, deeply. From the start of our marriage, though, we've just had a lot of conflict. Jess has always sprinted toward intimacy and vulnerability at a thousand miles an hour. I'm pretty much the opposite.

And along the way, we've done a lot of couples therapy to try to smooth things out. My name's Daniel Oppenheimer, and I'm a contributor to the New York Times Magazine. I'm 48 years old, and I write about art, culture, and politics, also my marriage. Jess is also 48. We've been married 18 years and have three kids. The oldest is about to go off to college.

And along the way, we've done a lot of couples therapy to try to smooth things out. My name's Daniel Oppenheimer, and I'm a contributor to the New York Times Magazine. I'm 48 years old, and I write about art, culture, and politics, also my marriage. Jess is also 48. We've been married 18 years and have three kids. The oldest is about to go off to college.

A few years ago, in our eternal search for a theory or person to help improve our marriage, we heard about Terry Real, who's pretty famous in the therapy world. I always like to point out to people that he's Bruce Springsteen's couples therapist. Terry's great, but he is really expensive to see. He charges like 30 grand for a weekend intensive.

A few years ago, in our eternal search for a theory or person to help improve our marriage, we heard about Terry Real, who's pretty famous in the therapy world. I always like to point out to people that he's Bruce Springsteen's couples therapist. Terry's great, but he is really expensive to see. He charges like 30 grand for a weekend intensive.

He does sometimes offer low-cost therapy, but there's a catch. You have to be okay with having your sessions observed by other therapists and recorded for training purposes. Jess and I signed up. We thought if he can help Bruce Springsteen, he can help us.

He does sometimes offer low-cost therapy, but there's a catch. You have to be okay with having your sessions observed by other therapists and recorded for training purposes. Jess and I signed up. We thought if he can help Bruce Springsteen, he can help us.

We both had a lot of issues that we were bringing to therapy with Terry, but it became clear pretty quickly that my anger and how I deal with distress in general was a special kind of problem. I can blow up, and I've been dealing with that for years. Pretty early on, Terry told me, she's not going to leave you tomorrow, Dan, but if you don't get a handle on this, she is going to leave you.

We both had a lot of issues that we were bringing to therapy with Terry, but it became clear pretty quickly that my anger and how I deal with distress in general was a special kind of problem. I can blow up, and I've been dealing with that for years. Pretty early on, Terry told me, she's not going to leave you tomorrow, Dan, but if you don't get a handle on this, she is going to leave you.

And so we started eight sessions with Terry to try and make progress on that. And surprisingly, we did. So here's my article, and it's from the magazine's love and sex issue. It's read by Robert Fass, and our producer today is Tali Abacasis. The music you'll hear was written and performed by Aaron Esposito. Also, there's some adult language in this article, just so you know. Thanks for listening.

And so we started eight sessions with Terry to try and make progress on that. And surprisingly, we did. So here's my article, and it's from the magazine's love and sex issue. It's read by Robert Fass, and our producer today is Tali Abacasis. The music you'll hear was written and performed by Aaron Esposito. Also, there's some adult language in this article, just so you know. Thanks for listening.

One thing I've learned from being married to my wife, Jess, who is a couples therapist, is how vast the distance is between the masks people show to the world and the messy realities that live behind them. Every couple knows its own drama, but we still fall prey to the illusion that all other couples have seamlessly satisfying relationships.

One thing I've learned from being married to my wife, Jess, who is a couples therapist, is how vast the distance is between the masks people show to the world and the messy realities that live behind them. Every couple knows its own drama, but we still fall prey to the illusion that all other couples have seamlessly satisfying relationships.

The truth about marriage, including my own, is that even the most functional couples are merely doing the best they can with the lives that have been bestowed on them. This past spring, Jess and I had the first of eight sessions of couples therapy with Terry Real, a best-selling author and by far the most famous of the therapists we've seen during our marriage.

The truth about marriage, including my own, is that even the most functional couples are merely doing the best they can with the lives that have been bestowed on them. This past spring, Jess and I had the first of eight sessions of couples therapy with Terry Real, a best-selling author and by far the most famous of the therapists we've seen during our marriage.

In November, I watched the recording of that session for the first time since treatment. In the footage, I see Jess and me as real might see us. I look worn down, a little pained. Jess looks to me like the same beachy blonde who dive-bombed into my life 20 years ago.

In November, I watched the recording of that session for the first time since treatment. In the footage, I see Jess and me as real might see us. I look worn down, a little pained. Jess looks to me like the same beachy blonde who dive-bombed into my life 20 years ago.

Crashing at a few thousand miles per hour into the defenses against intimacy and vulnerability that I had dedicated so much energy to erecting. She is lithe and elfin, where I am dense and rough-planed. She looks tired too, though. Real glows in the aura of his webcam light, at 74 still elfin in his own right.

Crashing at a few thousand miles per hour into the defenses against intimacy and vulnerability that I had dedicated so much energy to erecting. She is lithe and elfin, where I am dense and rough-planed. She looks tired too, though. Real glows in the aura of his webcam light, at 74 still elfin in his own right.