Daniel Oppenheimer

The real kicker is that often they don't even know this is happening. They're just acting out or shutting down blindly. Published in 1997, I Don't Want to Talk About It was the first book to give voice not just to the choked pain of depressed men, but also of their suffering partners. Almost three decades later, it still reads well.

The real kicker is that often they don't even know this is happening. They're just acting out or shutting down blindly. Published in 1997, I Don't Want to Talk About It was the first book to give voice not just to the choked pain of depressed men, but also of their suffering partners. Almost three decades later, it still reads well.

What strikes me now, maybe more than it would have struck a reader back in the 90s, is how wise the book is about the role that power plays in all this. This is a through line in all of Real's work, the necessity of exercising power in relationships, but also the profound difference between wielding it in loving relation to others and using it to dominate them.

What strikes me now, maybe more than it would have struck a reader back in the 90s, is how wise the book is about the role that power plays in all this. This is a through line in all of Real's work, the necessity of exercising power in relationships, but also the profound difference between wielding it in loving relation to others and using it to dominate them.

He is not asking men to sacrifice their power to their partners. He asks that we stop exercising power the way little boys do, with tantrums, bullying, sulking, hitting, silence, whenever someone tries to talk to us about feelings. In the place of our well-crafted defenses, he insists, we should aspire to fierce intimacy. a healthy inversion of the wounded intensity of the traumatized person.

He is not asking men to sacrifice their power to their partners. He asks that we stop exercising power the way little boys do, with tantrums, bullying, sulking, hitting, silence, whenever someone tries to talk to us about feelings. In the place of our well-crafted defenses, he insists, we should aspire to fierce intimacy. a healthy inversion of the wounded intensity of the traumatized person.

We need to reach into the parts of ourselves that so many of us have cordoned off and express them so that we can say what we feel, ask for what we desire, and assert control over how we behave in our relationships.

We need to reach into the parts of ourselves that so many of us have cordoned off and express them so that we can say what we feel, ask for what we desire, and assert control over how we behave in our relationships.

All of that, though, requires that we be strong enough to listen openly to our partners when they express their own desires, fears, and frustrations, and that we work through inevitable differences with loving candor.

All of that, though, requires that we be strong enough to listen openly to our partners when they express their own desires, fears, and frustrations, and that we work through inevitable differences with loving candor.

This intimacy is one in which men embrace qualities of emotionality, introspection, and affection that have historically been typed as feminine, and women practice habits of strength and assertion that have long been typed as masculine. There is great compassion for the pain people have endured, but little tolerance for playing the martyr.

This intimacy is one in which men embrace qualities of emotionality, introspection, and affection that have historically been typed as feminine, and women practice habits of strength and assertion that have long been typed as masculine. There is great compassion for the pain people have endured, but little tolerance for playing the martyr.

He calls this relational empowerment, a subtle but profound shift from the individualistic focus so central to our culture of therapy, self-help, and self-care. The goal is to develop the strength to confront your own traumas so that you can be better for and demand more of your loved ones. All over this culture, you have people moving from disempowerment to what I call individual empowerment.

He calls this relational empowerment, a subtle but profound shift from the individualistic focus so central to our culture of therapy, self-help, and self-care. The goal is to develop the strength to confront your own traumas so that you can be better for and demand more of your loved ones. All over this culture, you have people moving from disempowerment to what I call individual empowerment.

He says, I was weak, now I'm strong, go fuck yourself. Relational empowerment is, I was weak, now I'm strong, I'm bringing my strength into this relationship. I'm telling you what I need, I'm being assertive, I love you. What do you need from me to help you do this? In therapy with Real, learning relational empowerment can be bracing.

He says, I was weak, now I'm strong, go fuck yourself. Relational empowerment is, I was weak, now I'm strong, I'm bringing my strength into this relationship. I'm telling you what I need, I'm being assertive, I love you. What do you need from me to help you do this? In therapy with Real, learning relational empowerment can be bracing.

He takes sides, calls for big change in short order, and describes with forensic precision what stands on the other side of failure, divorce, disconnection, loneliness. It is no fun to be called out for behaving like a child, but there is relief, even excitement, to being held in Real's gravitational field.

He takes sides, calls for big change in short order, and describes with forensic precision what stands on the other side of failure, divorce, disconnection, loneliness. It is no fun to be called out for behaving like a child, but there is relief, even excitement, to being held in Real's gravitational field.

It puts you at the center of the drama, creating space for you to step into the role of hero. What it reminds me of, more than any therapy I've had, is my days on the wrestling team in high school, learning under the square-jawed care of our coaches, Bill and Hank, a father and son duo who looked as if they had stepped directly out of central casting for coach old school.

It puts you at the center of the drama, creating space for you to step into the role of hero. What it reminds me of, more than any therapy I've had, is my days on the wrestling team in high school, learning under the square-jawed care of our coaches, Bill and Hank, a father and son duo who looked as if they had stepped directly out of central casting for coach old school.