Daniel Oppenheimer

There was a satisfaction to hustling for them, earning their hard-won approval. Even their disappointment had its compensations. Once in a while on a day when we were slacking in practice, Bill, or Buff as we called him, would launch into an expletive-laden tirade about what a bunch of coddled children we were, how much we'd been given, and how little we seemed intent on making of it.

There was a satisfaction to hustling for them, earning their hard-won approval. Even their disappointment had its compensations. Once in a while on a day when we were slacking in practice, Bill, or Buff as we called him, would launch into an expletive-laden tirade about what a bunch of coddled children we were, how much we'd been given, and how little we seemed intent on making of it.

It was clear by the second or third year in a row that we earned this speech, that it was a performance. It was exhilarating anyway. There was respect in the accusation. Buff was judging us as men, even if the judgment was hard. He was disappointed in our behavior, but only because he knew we were capable of more.

It was clear by the second or third year in a row that we earned this speech, that it was a performance. It was exhilarating anyway. There was respect in the accusation. Buff was judging us as men, even if the judgment was hard. He was disappointed in our behavior, but only because he knew we were capable of more.

Real has that maneuver down, although there's far more obvious affection in the mix than I'm used to receiving from the patriarchs I've encountered in my life. This is the truth, man. This is what you're capable of and what you should expect of yourself. I can't make you do anything, but I can tell you what I see and describe both the cost if you keep this up and the reward if you can change.

Real has that maneuver down, although there's far more obvious affection in the mix than I'm used to receiving from the patriarchs I've encountered in my life. This is the truth, man. This is what you're capable of and what you should expect of yourself. I can't make you do anything, but I can tell you what I see and describe both the cost if you keep this up and the reward if you can change.

And I'm here for you every step of the way. After our first session, Jess was visibly relieved. Riel had skillfully challenged me, and I was more open to the challenge than she expected me to be. In the days after the session, the symbolic T-shirt became a running joke between us. In the next session, Riel turned to Jess, asking her to reflect on the first session, on me, on herself.

And I'm here for you every step of the way. After our first session, Jess was visibly relieved. Riel had skillfully challenged me, and I was more open to the challenge than she expected me to be. In the days after the session, the symbolic T-shirt became a running joke between us. In the next session, Riel turned to Jess, asking her to reflect on the first session, on me, on herself.

Watching her on camera, I'm struck by how much more vulnerable she allows herself to be. How close at hand her full range of emotions are, even when she's expressing skepticism. I'm always sure I'm on the precipice of change. She has learned to know better. The previous session gave her hope, she says. Maybe there can be more closeness in our relationship. It also made her sad.

Watching her on camera, I'm struck by how much more vulnerable she allows herself to be. How close at hand her full range of emotions are, even when she's expressing skepticism. I'm always sure I'm on the precipice of change. She has learned to know better. The previous session gave her hope, she says. Maybe there can be more closeness in our relationship. It also made her sad.

There were so many years lost to conflict and fear. I used to fight more for the closeness, she laments. And over time, I've just withdrawn. I remember wanting to argue with her when she said that. In my story of our relationship, she has always wielded the threat of distance when she feels rejected or abandoned. It's not a product of my actions, I wanted to say.

There were so many years lost to conflict and fear. I used to fight more for the closeness, she laments. And over time, I've just withdrawn. I remember wanting to argue with her when she said that. In my story of our relationship, she has always wielded the threat of distance when she feels rejected or abandoned. It's not a product of my actions, I wanted to say.

I couldn't deny, though, that I have given her ample reason to be wary. Early in our marriage, I would simmer for days, accumulating a resentful charge until a tiny remark, a gesture, a joke sparked an explosion. The content changes, but the form is the same. At a recent dinner with friends, I mentioned an exchange I had in the comments section of Substack where I publish a podcast and newsletter.

I couldn't deny, though, that I have given her ample reason to be wary. Early in our marriage, I would simmer for days, accumulating a resentful charge until a tiny remark, a gesture, a joke sparked an explosion. The content changes, but the form is the same. At a recent dinner with friends, I mentioned an exchange I had in the comments section of Substack where I publish a podcast and newsletter.

It's good you have so much time to spend on social media, Jess said. It took me all of a nanosecond or so to conclude that she was annoyed with me. She'd been taking on more than her share of domestic duties over the previous few weeks so that I could finish an important project at work. And I intuited, or perhaps imagined, that she didn't love me noodling around on Substack.

It's good you have so much time to spend on social media, Jess said. It took me all of a nanosecond or so to conclude that she was annoyed with me. She'd been taking on more than her share of domestic duties over the previous few weeks so that I could finish an important project at work. And I intuited, or perhaps imagined, that she didn't love me noodling around on Substack.

It was time I should have spent more constructively. Without even thinking about it, I swore at her in front of our friends. By the time we were in therapy with Real, the circuit was lower voltage, but the sensitivity remained. If I was on alert, all it took was a tease from her with a smidgen of subtext or a tossed-off complaint to trigger a reaction.

It was time I should have spent more constructively. Without even thinking about it, I swore at her in front of our friends. By the time we were in therapy with Real, the circuit was lower voltage, but the sensitivity remained. If I was on alert, all it took was a tease from her with a smidgen of subtext or a tossed-off complaint to trigger a reaction.

Then we would go at it, our familiar dance of distrust. Her dart, my anger, her fear, my grievances, her grievances. She doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about me. This is us trapped in what Real calls our core negative image of each other. It is not all of us. We have a lot in common, including a fascination with human relationships and an endearing tendency to overanalyze them.

Then we would go at it, our familiar dance of distrust. Her dart, my anger, her fear, my grievances, her grievances. She doesn't care about me, he doesn't care about me. This is us trapped in what Real calls our core negative image of each other. It is not all of us. We have a lot in common, including a fascination with human relationships and an endearing tendency to overanalyze them.