Daniel Oppenheimer

We both love music by feely white dudes with beards. We are united in our devotion to our three children. Too often, though, we revert to the worst stories we have about each other. In the videos of our sessions, I can see Riel carefully stepping around and through these narratives, helping us to revise them. The raw material isn't new. We've been over our childhoods before.

We both love music by feely white dudes with beards. We are united in our devotion to our three children. Too often, though, we revert to the worst stories we have about each other. In the videos of our sessions, I can see Riel carefully stepping around and through these narratives, helping us to revise them. The raw material isn't new. We've been over our childhoods before.

We've talked about our fights. We've diagnosed ourselves, catalogued our wounds and each other's flaws. But in conversation with Real, it feels different. He explains, more cogently than we've gotten from a couples therapist before, why we sought each other out, drive each other crazy, and have the potential to be great together.

We've talked about our fights. We've diagnosed ourselves, catalogued our wounds and each other's flaws. But in conversation with Real, it feels different. He explains, more cogently than we've gotten from a couples therapist before, why we sought each other out, drive each other crazy, and have the potential to be great together.

In our hearts, Riel said in one of our sessions, we all think that we deserve the goddess or god who will deliver us from our childhood, even heal us and make it all better and give to us what we didn't get. What we wind up with is somebody who is perfectly designed to stick it to us. When we began dating at the end of our 20s, it was an easy decision to marry Jess, but also a terrifying one.

In our hearts, Riel said in one of our sessions, we all think that we deserve the goddess or god who will deliver us from our childhood, even heal us and make it all better and give to us what we didn't get. What we wind up with is somebody who is perfectly designed to stick it to us. When we began dating at the end of our 20s, it was an easy decision to marry Jess, but also a terrifying one.

She was so charismatic, sexy, whip smart, shockingly sensitive to the subtleties of human interaction. I shared her intellectual interest in relationships, but not her compulsion toward them. She hadn't been single for more than a few months since she was a teenager, and I had spent the previous decade engineering a life that defended against the threat of other people.

She was so charismatic, sexy, whip smart, shockingly sensitive to the subtleties of human interaction. I shared her intellectual interest in relationships, but not her compulsion toward them. She hadn't been single for more than a few months since she was a teenager, and I had spent the previous decade engineering a life that defended against the threat of other people.

No long-term relationships, six or so hours of television a day, and a job in journalism that gave me the regular simulacrum of intimacy without any of its real obligations. She would lean in for more. I would feel the threat of suffocation and lash out. She would feel rejected and respond with great drama and threats of catastrophe. I would feel unseen and unloved.

No long-term relationships, six or so hours of television a day, and a job in journalism that gave me the regular simulacrum of intimacy without any of its real obligations. She would lean in for more. I would feel the threat of suffocation and lash out. She would feel rejected and respond with great drama and threats of catastrophe. I would feel unseen and unloved.

Get away from me, but also how dare you fail to take care of me. Jess was so much more capable and demanding of love and intimacy than I was. This was part of the attraction, but also the problem. I was an ambivalent fortress, always defending against her siege while secretly hoping she would breach the walls. In our third session, Riel said something that complicated the metaphor even more.

Get away from me, but also how dare you fail to take care of me. Jess was so much more capable and demanding of love and intimacy than I was. This was part of the attraction, but also the problem. I was an ambivalent fortress, always defending against her siege while secretly hoping she would breach the walls. In our third session, Riel said something that complicated the metaphor even more.

Yes, he said, I am avoidant, but I'm also a love addict. I'm dependent on Jess for a steady drip of smiles, touches, attuned listening, and welcoming body language to affirm that I am being seen and valued. I need it to compensate for my low self-esteem. A fortress, maybe, but one that all along has been relying on the invaders at the gate for its essential supplies.

Yes, he said, I am avoidant, but I'm also a love addict. I'm dependent on Jess for a steady drip of smiles, touches, attuned listening, and welcoming body language to affirm that I am being seen and valued. I need it to compensate for my low self-esteem. A fortress, maybe, but one that all along has been relying on the invaders at the gate for its essential supplies.

The diagnosis comes after I relate the story of a tantrum I threw at my 48th birthday dinner. It involved me storming out of a restaurant in front of our kids and friends, and coming back only after a solid 15 minute sulk. It's not a flattering story, and I don't try to render it so. Jess and I argued beforehand about what restaurant to pick, which left us tense for days.

The diagnosis comes after I relate the story of a tantrum I threw at my 48th birthday dinner. It involved me storming out of a restaurant in front of our kids and friends, and coming back only after a solid 15 minute sulk. It's not a flattering story, and I don't try to render it so. Jess and I argued beforehand about what restaurant to pick, which left us tense for days.

One of the kids was being difficult. Jess wasn't as affectionate as I wanted her to be. I wasn't getting the birthday I felt I was owed. I blew my stack. I finish the story and wait for Real to give me a hard time about how I behaved. He goes in a different direction. How long have you been with this woman? Real asks. We've been together 20 years, I say. Been married for almost 18.

One of the kids was being difficult. Jess wasn't as affectionate as I wanted her to be. I wasn't getting the birthday I felt I was owed. I blew my stack. I finish the story and wait for Real to give me a hard time about how I behaved. He goes in a different direction. How long have you been with this woman? Real asks. We've been together 20 years, I say. Been married for almost 18.

You're still in minute-to-minute doubt about whether she cares about you or not? Yes, I say. So you know what I'm going to call that, right, Dan? I'm going to call that love addiction. What? It's like using her warm regard as a self-esteem dialysis machine, Riel says. When the warm regard is flowing, you feel pumped up and all's well with the world.

You're still in minute-to-minute doubt about whether she cares about you or not? Yes, I say. So you know what I'm going to call that, right, Dan? I'm going to call that love addiction. What? It's like using her warm regard as a self-esteem dialysis machine, Riel says. When the warm regard is flowing, you feel pumped up and all's well with the world.