Daniel Oppenheimer

When it's not flowing, you get scared and lonely. I've been there. I call it a self-esteem well-being crash. Empty, dark, jagged, cold, sharp, agitated. It's not until the fourth session that Real really fillets me. We've been talking about my anger and the ways it manifests. Sarcasm, yelling, quiet but venomous contempt. Real has just told me, bluntly but compassionately, that I need to stop.

When it's not flowing, you get scared and lonely. I've been there. I call it a self-esteem well-being crash. Empty, dark, jagged, cold, sharp, agitated. It's not until the fourth session that Real really fillets me. We've been talking about my anger and the ways it manifests. Sarcasm, yelling, quiet but venomous contempt. Real has just told me, bluntly but compassionately, that I need to stop.

I have two words for you, he says, and I say this with love. Wake up. I need to learn how to deal with my distress in a way that doesn't involve dumping it all over my wife, and I need to do it now, not next month or next year. This is nuts, he says to me, that you get to yell and scream at her and she is supposed to stay close to you? That's nuts, Dan.

I have two words for you, he says, and I say this with love. Wake up. I need to learn how to deal with my distress in a way that doesn't involve dumping it all over my wife, and I need to do it now, not next month or next year. This is nuts, he says to me, that you get to yell and scream at her and she is supposed to stay close to you? That's nuts, Dan.

But it doesn't feel nuts because it's what you grew up with. This lands, I grew up in a family that didn't know how to deal straightforwardly with feelings. We could talk about almost anything, as long as we could analyze it with limited emotional vulnerability. Politics, ideas, sex, faith, family, people, it was all fair game.

But it doesn't feel nuts because it's what you grew up with. This lands, I grew up in a family that didn't know how to deal straightforwardly with feelings. We could talk about almost anything, as long as we could analyze it with limited emotional vulnerability. Politics, ideas, sex, faith, family, people, it was all fair game.

So much of the talk, however, was a way of smuggling feelings into ostensibly cerebral conversations. When we were hurt, we yelled a lot. Often, we didn't talk at all. For me, as a sensitive boy, it was devastatingly confusing, and I retreated into anger, withdrawal, and intellectualization. Anger was a defense against being sucked into someone else's chaos and also a means of seeking recognition.

So much of the talk, however, was a way of smuggling feelings into ostensibly cerebral conversations. When we were hurt, we yelled a lot. Often, we didn't talk at all. For me, as a sensitive boy, it was devastatingly confusing, and I retreated into anger, withdrawal, and intellectualization. Anger was a defense against being sucked into someone else's chaos and also a means of seeking recognition.

Push them away, and if that doesn't work, then have a big raging fight. At least if we're yelling, my needs are being reckoned with. My solace was stories, TV shows, movies, science fiction, and fantasy novels. I was safe and warm tucked away in there with my action heroes, dogged detectives, and young wizards and warriors. And the whole family sought connection in intellectual exchange.

Push them away, and if that doesn't work, then have a big raging fight. At least if we're yelling, my needs are being reckoned with. My solace was stories, TV shows, movies, science fiction, and fantasy novels. I was safe and warm tucked away in there with my action heroes, dogged detectives, and young wizards and warriors. And the whole family sought connection in intellectual exchange.

None of this translated very well to Jess. She crumples under the heat of anger and doesn't care much for TV or genre stories. Though she has her own defense mechanisms born of her own trauma, they don't involve sublimating her emotions into cerebral claptrap.

None of this translated very well to Jess. She crumples under the heat of anger and doesn't care much for TV or genre stories. Though she has her own defense mechanisms born of her own trauma, they don't involve sublimating her emotions into cerebral claptrap.

Real talks a lot in his book and in our sessions about the adaptive child, the part of us that evolves to survive in the hostile terrain of childhood. It's what allows us to defer until later in life the distress that we don't have the resources to process when we're young. Now it's later, though. If our adaptive child is still running the algorithms for our adult relationships, we're in trouble.

Real talks a lot in his book and in our sessions about the adaptive child, the part of us that evolves to survive in the hostile terrain of childhood. It's what allows us to defer until later in life the distress that we don't have the resources to process when we're young. Now it's later, though. If our adaptive child is still running the algorithms for our adult relationships, we're in trouble.

In the footage, Real tells me to knock it off. I remember hearing him, but only sort of. His observation cut so close to my core stance in the marriage, which is perhaps also my core fear. If I don't scream for what I need, I will not be loved. I said none of this in the session. Instead, I protested articulately, but lamely, that I was making progress.

In the footage, Real tells me to knock it off. I remember hearing him, but only sort of. His observation cut so close to my core stance in the marriage, which is perhaps also my core fear. If I don't scream for what I need, I will not be loved. I said none of this in the session. Instead, I protested articulately, but lamely, that I was making progress.

I'm better than I was a few years ago, I hear myself say in the recording, and I was better a few years ago than I was a few years before that. I'm not trying to excuse my bad behavior, but don't I get some credit for the trend line moving in the right direction? Real isn't impressed. Your expectations of your own progress are pretty mediocre at best, he says. Just transpose it to the physical.

I'm better than I was a few years ago, I hear myself say in the recording, and I was better a few years ago than I was a few years before that. I'm not trying to excuse my bad behavior, but don't I get some credit for the trend line moving in the right direction? Real isn't impressed. Your expectations of your own progress are pretty mediocre at best, he says. Just transpose it to the physical.

Well, I only hit her twice this year. The year before that, I hit her 12 times. Am I doing better? No, not on my watch. How about cleaning it up altogether? How about stopping it? Hearing this from Real is, at last, a ton of bricks. The arsenal of rationalizations falls away. Yes, of course. This is right. Enough. Time to stop.

Well, I only hit her twice this year. The year before that, I hit her 12 times. Am I doing better? No, not on my watch. How about cleaning it up altogether? How about stopping it? Hearing this from Real is, at last, a ton of bricks. The arsenal of rationalizations falls away. Yes, of course. This is right. Enough. Time to stop.