Daniel Oppenheimer

How utterly embarrassing to think that it's okay to speak to my wife this way, to rage in front of my kids. My blood pressure drops. I deflate into the couch. The arrow that pierces is not Reels comparing me to a wife beater, though that doesn't feel great. It's this. Your expectations of your own progress are pretty mediocre at best.

How utterly embarrassing to think that it's okay to speak to my wife this way, to rage in front of my kids. My blood pressure drops. I deflate into the couch. The arrow that pierces is not Reels comparing me to a wife beater, though that doesn't feel great. It's this. Your expectations of your own progress are pretty mediocre at best.

This cuts not just to the core of the man I imagine myself to be, but also what I need to do to hold on to the life I share with Jess. One of the tricky yet liberating things about Riel's practice is that when it comes to rage, he doesn't care that much about matters of degree and scale. Brutal physical abuse is violence, but so is rage, and so is lacerating contempt.

This cuts not just to the core of the man I imagine myself to be, but also what I need to do to hold on to the life I share with Jess. One of the tricky yet liberating things about Riel's practice is that when it comes to rage, he doesn't care that much about matters of degree and scale. Brutal physical abuse is violence, but so is rage, and so is lacerating contempt.

This is not abstract for real. In I Don't Want to Talk About It, he tells the horrific story of his own family's generational cycle of abuse. His grandfather tried to kill his father and uncle. That was violence. His father, in turn, beat real. He whipped my brother and me if we dared to rebel, he writes. And conversely, he whipped us if we showed too much vulnerability.

This is not abstract for real. In I Don't Want to Talk About It, he tells the horrific story of his own family's generational cycle of abuse. His grandfather tried to kill his father and uncle. That was violence. His father, in turn, beat real. He whipped my brother and me if we dared to rebel, he writes. And conversely, he whipped us if we showed too much vulnerability.

Mostly he whipped us as a proper man should, to keep us corralled and teach us our lessons. My modest rage, which isn't that bad, I find myself wanting to protest even now, is a violence that replaces intimacy with fear. What I encountered in my childhood is also violence. In the gospel of real, we all deserve compassion for what was done to us.

Mostly he whipped us as a proper man should, to keep us corralled and teach us our lessons. My modest rage, which isn't that bad, I find myself wanting to protest even now, is a violence that replaces intimacy with fear. What I encountered in my childhood is also violence. In the gospel of real, we all deserve compassion for what was done to us.

He's not looking to shame us, but we're grown-ups now. We should want better for ourselves and loved ones. Watching the recording of Riel telling me to shape up, I noticed for the first time that Jess is crying. She looks so sad. Riel is confronting me, but also testifying to what my behavior has felt like to her. How isolated and fearful it has left her.

He's not looking to shame us, but we're grown-ups now. We should want better for ourselves and loved ones. Watching the recording of Riel telling me to shape up, I noticed for the first time that Jess is crying. She looks so sad. Riel is confronting me, but also testifying to what my behavior has felt like to her. How isolated and fearful it has left her.

And somehow, and this is the art of couples therapy at its most sophisticated, it's all one thing. His confrontation of me, his affection for me, his validation of Jess, his care for her, his hope for our marriage. It's a sequence issue, Riel says a few minutes later. For so long, through so many rounds of couples therapy and so many fights between us, I have been demanding equity.

And somehow, and this is the art of couples therapy at its most sophisticated, it's all one thing. His confrontation of me, his affection for me, his validation of Jess, his care for her, his hope for our marriage. It's a sequence issue, Riel says a few minutes later. For so long, through so many rounds of couples therapy and so many fights between us, I have been demanding equity.

I'll do this, but you need to do that. I'll calm down, but you need to stop withholding. I'll learn to hold your fears, but you need to learn to tolerate my anger. No, Riel says. Anger blocks everything else and has to leave the stage first. I need to go first. I get to go first. Epiphanies are real, but they're fragile.

I'll do this, but you need to do that. I'll calm down, but you need to stop withholding. I'll learn to hold your fears, but you need to learn to tolerate my anger. No, Riel says. Anger blocks everything else and has to leave the stage first. I need to go first. I get to go first. Epiphanies are real, but they're fragile.

They are a one-leafed seedling pushing up through the crust of the ground, or a blind hatchling waiting naked and alone for its mother to return with a worm. They are easily crushed underfoot or done in by harsh weather. If they're not protected and nurtured, they will crumble and blow away in the wind as though they never existed.

They are a one-leafed seedling pushing up through the crust of the ground, or a blind hatchling waiting naked and alone for its mother to return with a worm. They are easily crushed underfoot or done in by harsh weather. If they're not protected and nurtured, they will crumble and blow away in the wind as though they never existed.

Session four was an epiphany for me, but one that would need to survive the crucible of conflict, not once, but repeatedly, to establish its reality. A few hours after the session ended, driving back from dinner, Jess and I got into a tiff. She said something that upset me, and I started to snap, but then I stopped. I need to get out of the car, I said to her as calmly as I could.

Session four was an epiphany for me, but one that would need to survive the crucible of conflict, not once, but repeatedly, to establish its reality. A few hours after the session ended, driving back from dinner, Jess and I got into a tiff. She said something that upset me, and I started to snap, but then I stopped. I need to get out of the car, I said to her as calmly as I could.

We were only about a half mile from our house, so I walked the rest of the way, stopping at the market mid-route for a few things. By the time I got home, Jess and I had both cooled off, and we were able to stay connected the remainder of the night. It was a small but important victory. Real has a bit he does when clients say they can't control themselves in a moment of distress.

We were only about a half mile from our house, so I walked the rest of the way, stopping at the market mid-route for a few things. By the time I got home, Jess and I had both cooled off, and we were able to stay connected the remainder of the night. It was a small but important victory. Real has a bit he does when clients say they can't control themselves in a moment of distress.