Dr. Anna Lembke

Great question. We just hate to do it. Because when we do it, we feel shame. And shame is an incredibly painful emotion. It's like a gut punch of an emotion that is associated with fear of abandonment, fear of being shunned by our tribe. We'd much rather paper that shame over with anger and resentment toward others.

Great question. We just hate to do it. Because when we do it, we feel shame. And shame is an incredibly painful emotion. It's like a gut punch of an emotion that is associated with fear of abandonment, fear of being shunned by our tribe. We'd much rather paper that shame over with anger and resentment toward others.

Great question. And I have to say what I know about this, I learned from Alcoholics Anonymous and what they do because they do something that's really incredible. First of all, it's necessary to validate somebody's victimhood. So this is to say you have been wronged. If they really have been wronged, to validate that. Or you experienced this trauma.

Great question. And I have to say what I know about this, I learned from Alcoholics Anonymous and what they do because they do something that's really incredible. First of all, it's necessary to validate somebody's victimhood. So this is to say you have been wronged. If they really have been wronged, to validate that. Or you experienced this trauma.

Or you were born into this crappy situation and you were just a kid and you had no choice about that. And to really acknowledge that. But then the fourth step of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about looking at each of those situations and after writing down, like, this person wronged me and exactly what they did. So, you know, taking time to focus on the resentment, right?

Or you were born into this crappy situation and you were just a kid and you had no choice about that. And to really acknowledge that. But then the fourth step of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about looking at each of those situations and after writing down, like, this person wronged me and exactly what they did. So, you know, taking time to focus on the resentment, right?

Then only after that to say, okay, but is there anything that I did? that contributed to that problem? Is there anything at all that I could have done differently? And for a little kid, you know, born into a horrific situation, there's not much, right, that a kid could have, you know, we don't expect a child to take responsibility. But

Then only after that to say, okay, but is there anything that I did? that contributed to that problem? Is there anything at all that I could have done differently? And for a little kid, you know, born into a horrific situation, there's not much, right, that a kid could have, you know, we don't expect a child to take responsibility. But

The adult who was that child who continues to perpetuate some of the harms they experienced on other people, now we're talking. Now you can begin to take responsibility for your actions in the world. So I think starting with validating. you know, the trauma or the victimhood or the way in which we were wronged, processing it. So giving it airtime, right?

The adult who was that child who continues to perpetuate some of the harms they experienced on other people, now we're talking. Now you can begin to take responsibility for your actions in the world. So I think starting with validating. you know, the trauma or the victimhood or the way in which we were wronged, processing it. So giving it airtime, right?

But not stopping there, which is, by the way, often, you know, in therapy, certain types of therapy, that's often where we stop. We don't then take it that very important next step and say, but, you know, let's go and look at that again. And like... is there anything at all that you're contributing to this problem? Maybe it's just that you continue to ruminate about it, right?

But not stopping there, which is, by the way, often, you know, in therapy, certain types of therapy, that's often where we stop. We don't then take it that very important next step and say, but, you know, let's go and look at that again. And like... is there anything at all that you're contributing to this problem? Maybe it's just that you continue to ruminate about it, right?

That like you're ruminating on your resentments is in a way your happy place. And maybe that's what you need to stop doing.

That like you're ruminating on your resentments is in a way your happy place. And maybe that's what you need to stop doing.

Yeah, great, great question. It brings to mind a patient of mine who said to me that... And he had very, very low self-esteem. And he said, essentially, Dr. Lemke, I'm the piece of crap around which the universe revolves. Meaning that he had his own brand of narcissism in which he wasn't the most successful person. He was the most successful at being the least successful person.

Yeah, great, great question. It brings to mind a patient of mine who said to me that... And he had very, very low self-esteem. And he said, essentially, Dr. Lemke, I'm the piece of crap around which the universe revolves. Meaning that he had his own brand of narcissism in which he wasn't the most successful person. He was the most successful at being the least successful person.

And that became his identity, right? That was sort of how he saw himself and also how he saw the world. And it became very entrenched. And it was a kind of a narcissism because he created then situations in order to perpetuate like I'm the worst of the worst, right?

And that became his identity, right? That was sort of how he saw himself and also how he saw the world. And it became very entrenched. And it was a kind of a narcissism because he created then situations in order to perpetuate like I'm the worst of the worst, right?

So I think the ways in which we get these sort of entrenched ideas about ourselves and the world can really hold us back from seeing clearly who we are, who other people are, and what the possibilities are.

So I think the ways in which we get these sort of entrenched ideas about ourselves and the world can really hold us back from seeing clearly who we are, who other people are, and what the possibilities are.