Dr. David Burns

Whoever may want to do this, too, if you're having trouble communicating. But you sit in two chairs facing each other and you have to be in a kind of a quiet room with no TV, no radio, no alcohol. And just to do this, this one minute drill and you take turns. One is the talker and one is the listener.

Whoever may want to do this, too, if you're having trouble communicating. But you sit in two chairs facing each other and you have to be in a kind of a quiet room with no TV, no radio, no alcohol. And just to do this, this one minute drill and you take turns. One is the talker and one is the listener.

And if you're the talker first, and you switch roles, so it makes no difference who starts, but you get to say anything you want for about 30 seconds. And when you're talking, your partner will not interrupt you and is not allowed to agree with you or disagree with you, but can take notes on what you're saying and tries only to hear what you're saying and reflect it back as accurately as possible.

And if you're the talker first, and you switch roles, so it makes no difference who starts, but you get to say anything you want for about 30 seconds. And when you're talking, your partner will not interrupt you and is not allowed to agree with you or disagree with you, but can take notes on what you're saying and tries only to hear what you're saying and reflect it back as accurately as possible.

And after you've expressed yourself and your partner has summarized it, you grade your partner from zero to 100 on how accurately did they understand your thoughts? How accurately did they acknowledge how you're probably feeling from zero to 100? And did they do this in a spirit of respect? And you get your rating from zero to 100. And if your rating is 95 or better, you switch roles.

And after you've expressed yourself and your partner has summarized it, you grade your partner from zero to 100 on how accurately did they understand your thoughts? How accurately did they acknowledge how you're probably feeling from zero to 100? And did they do this in a spirit of respect? And you get your rating from zero to 100. And if your rating is 95 or better, you switch roles.

And now the other person gets to be the talker and you're the listener. That's how it works. But if it's not 95% or better, then you say, what did I get wrong? What did I miss? And then they'll tell you the part that you missed, and then you can summarize that and hopefully get up to 95% once you've done that once or twice. So that's how it works.

And now the other person gets to be the talker and you're the listener. That's how it works. But if it's not 95% or better, then you say, what did I get wrong? What did I miss? And then they'll tell you the part that you missed, and then you can summarize that and hopefully get up to 95% once you've done that once or twice. So that's how it works.

And where it has its power is most people, when you have a problem in your family or with a friend or partner, child or neighbor or whatever, you get to arguing and contradicting each other and interrupting each other. And this forces you to be a world-class listener. And when you talk, you know the other person's going to listen and get it right. And that itself is a bit of a miracle.

And where it has its power is most people, when you have a problem in your family or with a friend or partner, child or neighbor or whatever, you get to arguing and contradicting each other and interrupting each other. And this forces you to be a world-class listener. And when you talk, you know the other person's going to listen and get it right. And that itself is a bit of a miracle.

Now, the technique has a lot of shortcomings as well, but it does have that value. Did I get that right, Matt and Rhonda? Perfectly. Yeah, that sounds great. Let's demonstrate. Let's imagine you two have a turbulent relationship and you're arguing a lot and over-talking each other and that type of thing. Okay.

Now, the technique has a lot of shortcomings as well, but it does have that value. Did I get that right, Matt and Rhonda? Perfectly. Yeah, that sounds great. Let's demonstrate. Let's imagine you two have a turbulent relationship and you're arguing a lot and over-talking each other and that type of thing. Okay.

First. Yeah, I just want to point out that you just interrupted me. This is what you do to Matt. You deserve what you get. Okay, so Rhonda, you'll be the talker, and good talker you'll be too, I'm sure. You can say whatever you want for these 30 seconds. And while she's talking, Matt, I want you to – you can take notes if you like, but you're going to be like a court reporter. Okay.

First. Yeah, I just want to point out that you just interrupted me. This is what you do to Matt. You deserve what you get. Okay, so Rhonda, you'll be the talker, and good talker you'll be too, I'm sure. You can say whatever you want for these 30 seconds. And while she's talking, Matt, I want you to – you can take notes if you like, but you're going to be like a court reporter. Okay.

And try to understand and hear everything she says, her words and how she's probably feeling. And then when she's done, after 30 seconds, I want you to see if you can paraphrase it and see if you can get a score of 95% or better. Are you ready?

And try to understand and hear everything she says, her words and how she's probably feeling. And then when she's done, after 30 seconds, I want you to see if you can paraphrase it and see if you can get a score of 95% or better. Are you ready?

After you get your 95% score. Okay.

After you get your 95% score. Okay.

Yeah, but also acceptance, the idea to be respectful, because if the person says, you never listen, I could say, oh, yeah, you say I never listen. That's exactly how you'd say it too. That's 100% accurate thought empathy, but it's sarcastic and hostile. So you'd get about a zero on that one, even though you've repeated the words.

Yeah, but also acceptance, the idea to be respectful, because if the person says, you never listen, I could say, oh, yeah, you say I never listen. That's exactly how you'd say it too. That's 100% accurate thought empathy, but it's sarcastic and hostile. So you'd get about a zero on that one, even though you've repeated the words.