Dr. Emily Morse
Appearances
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Exactly. I understand why people say I don't want to schedule sex, because, again, that goes against everything we've told about sex, that if you have to talk... First of all, there are these notions that if you talk about sex, it means... that you're doomed, that you should be mind readers and you should figure it out. I'm telling you now that doesn't happen.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
But when you do schedule sex and you're like, okay, I know that Saturday night is the best night for us to have sex. I'm not going to try to do it on Wednesday or Thursday when it's not going to be ideal, but we know that it's Saturday. Then we know how to reverse engineer it and say, these are all the things that need to be in place for us to be ready to
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
be intimate that night, whether it's getting a babysitter for the kids, it's getting myself into the mindset to be ready for sex. And also, you know, again, having these conversations with our partners about sex that's ongoing. It's not a one-time conversation. It's not a conversation that you have when there's only a problem.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
In fact, I encourage everybody to today have that conversation with your partner and say, you know what? I've just learned, I'm listening to Drew's podcast, and I learned today that actually couples who talk about sex have better sex. I realize that it's something that maybe we've never done before, but we can also, in this interview, kind of lay out how people can do that.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
But I want people to find out if they're with a partner, hopefully they are with a partner who has a growth mindset around sex and realizes that this is something that we're going to have to work on our intimacy, commit to a plan, and stick with it and honor each other's desires, wants, and needs to make the sex really satisfying and hot.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Exactly. No, exactly. And I love that you're saying that. So we're talking about the high desire, the low desire. One partner is going to want to and the other isn't. Absolutely. But I also want to note that... Usually it's one partner thinks that they have to do everything. Like they're the one that's driving the conversation and the one that has to do all the heavy lifting.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And eventually you're gonna get to a place where you're both working on it. But yes, to answer your question, typically it's one person that's like, okay, let's talk about it. I realize we haven't. And can we create a really safe environment
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
honest, loving space for us to have these conversations that are gentle and nurturing and caring and loving and acknowledging that the world is not set up for this, that our past messages, our religion, our upbringing, our background, our past relationships in no way set any of us up to have conversations about sex.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So even just acknowledging to your partner, like, I know this might sound weird or awkward, or maybe you're having some defense come up right now that
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
you know, I'm doing something wrong, and I think you just have to at this point say, I know this, babe, I know this might be sort of jolting to you, and it might feel threatening to you, but I really think that if we can agree that we're just gonna start having conversations about it, we can both become really great, beautiful lovers to each other. Like, are you on board?
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And again, not a one-time conversation. You don't figure everything out. It's not, you know, but it's, that might be your first conversation. It's just saying, would you agree that, or would you be willing to start exploring with us?
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And I'm telling you, Drew, I'm telling you, the couples who, and we're going to talk about this, move through this shame and all the obstacles that are coming up, because I even hear people going, but... You don't even know what's been going on in my life. I do. I get it.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
But we're going to move past that because the exciting thing is that when couples do move past all the blocks, then they have the incredible, connected, beautiful, loving sex that they desire.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Yeah, I'll talk about that because it's really, really, it's actually very important because it's not just like we're talking about, I'm trying to think of another conversation that might be easy. Like, are we, you know, where are we going on our summer trip? Or even conversations about money. Although this... tactic could be used then too. This is a really delicate conversation.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So I have the three T's of communication, which is timing, tone, and turf. And so, because I don't recommend that you just, you know, when you're in the bedroom and your partner, you feel like something's gone wrong sexually and you feel rejected again to bring up sex. No, we have to be very, very mindful about this conversation. So timing, tone, and turf is timing.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Find a time when you are just the two of you are relaxing, you're hanging out, maybe it's date night. And I always wanna say, you're not halt, you're not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Those are not the times to have any awkward or serious conversations. The tone is curious and open and supportive and loving and light. Maybe do some breath work beforehand.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
You make sure that you're coming from a place of collaboration. And the turf for this conversation is outside the bedroom. I just would love people to consider your bedroom as a place for sleeping and for sex.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And it's not a place to have these conversations because often people think, well, we're having sex or something just happened awkward in the bedroom or I got rejected again when I made an advance and this would be the time to have it. I couldn't be further from the truth that a great time to have it is when you are perhaps out taking a walk.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
You're not making eye contact, which can still be very awkward for people. Or you're on a road trip. Those are great times to have these conversations. Then that's when you would say, hey, let's talk about something that we haven't before. Let's talk about our intimate life.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Absolutely. And this is exactly, this is exactly it that if your partner and they might, because going back to your question, I really want to unpack that. If they've stonewalled or they said, this is off limits, I am never talking about sex. And I'm telling you, I hear this all the time. I hear from the partner who's, you know, wants to talk and their partner is completely shut down.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So it is a curious consciousness with, what did you say, the Gottmans called it, a soft start? It's saying, you know, and it's curious, it's saying, so I hear that you don't want to talk about sex and it's really shut down for you. And I'm just wondering if we could, tell me more about that. What does it feel like to talk about sex?
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I just don't want to talk about it and now you're making it a thing. Okay, yeah, it sounds like it's really, really, really, really painful to talk about it. I'm hearing you really don't want to talk about it. And I have some tools in here too, like that is that about, you know, like the Imago theory of listening. I mean, listening is so key in our relationships. Can you explain what that is?
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Yeah, I can explain to it. It's really just the theory of it's a tool. But when you're talking to your partner about something, you repeat back what the question, what you heard them say. So let's say your partner says, I don't want to talk about sex ever. You're always pressuring me. Now, our first instinct might be like, I never pressure you.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
But from a loving, curious, softer place, we can say, so what I hear you saying is that sex is not something that you want to talk about right now, and that it's not okay that I'm asking you. No, I didn't say that I don't wanna talk about it right now. I don't wanna talk about it ever. Okay, so you don't wanna talk about sex. What I'm hearing you say is you never wanna talk about sex. Okay.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Yeah, that's what I said. Okay. Well, could you tell me more about that? Could you tell me about what it might feel like to talk about it and say, yeah, I just, you know, I feel you are pressuring me again. So I hear you're feeling really, really pressured about this, you know, and there might even be like time to diffuse it. But what I'm saying is it just, you're repeating back what you hear.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Now, maybe you get to another place where they said, yeah, because maybe you have more, some more information. And they're saying every time, we talk about sex, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Maybe that's what they say. So I hear you saying that every time we talk about sex, you feel like I'm criticizing you and doing something wrong.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Yeah, I do feel that way, and I feel really criticized and unsafe. Okay, so you feel unsafe. Yeah, you know, and then you'll realize that when you repeat back, it's much like therapy that someone say, well, it's not so much unsafe, it's just that, It doesn't feel right for us to talk about sex. It feels like if we have to talk about sex, that there's a problem in the relationship.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And now you're just gathering information. You're learning that your partner feels like anytime you talk about sex, there's a problem. Maybe they've even shared with you that in the past, someone tried to talk about it and it wasn't healthy. You know, so this might be the very first conversation. You don't have to come to a conclusion. It doesn't have to be the last time you talk about sex.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Remember, this is the first time you talked about it. And then you just thank your partner. You're learning more about them. And then you can, you know, bring it up again. If they really won't talk about it. I mean, again, it could be like maybe once a week, once a month. But eventually, hopefully, you're going to get to a place where your partner feels like this is just really an important topic.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I've just got to... And what you're going to see is probably there's some stress, trauma, or shame that's come up. Now... We don't have to be our partner's therapist either. If you feel like your partner is like, no, I'm not talking about it. Or I had some earlier trauma. This is where I highly recommend therapy. I think that every single person can benefit from therapy.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Every couple benefits from therapy. Every individual is going to benefit from therapy and just think of Therapy is like a second opinion on your life. I still think that some people think it's like something's wrong and it means we're going to break up. It's going to get divorced. No, it's really just like if you have a problem with your business, you're going to go to a business coach.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
If you have a toothache, you're going to go to your dentist. If your car breaks down, you're going to go to a mechanic. If you're having problems in your relationship and communicating about intimacy or sex, you're going to go to a therapist. Our insurance covers it a lot of times, even if not, you can find a sliding scale.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I know you talk a lot about this in the show, but I just feel like for some of these really pressing issues, if your partner has shut down, and usually it is fear, which let me remind everyone is false evidence appearing real, that is fear, and a lot of us have it, that there's gotta be ways, if it doesn't happen through your conversation, that you can get some help so you can get to a place and move to the other side of the conversation where it gets fun.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Yeah, I think there's the high desire partner and the low desire partner. Right. That there's one and the low desire partner has all the power if you think about it. They're the one who's deciding, are we going to have sex? Are we not going to have sex? And if we're like shutting it down, the sex isn't happening. So usually it's the higher desire partner that is doing all of the initiating.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So yeah, initiating is a huge topic because, yeah, it's kind of our gateway to sex. And so if we're not comfortable with it, you know, I just want to remind people that initiating is a skill set. It is a practice. It is a skill set. I was very, I mean, the thing is, I am the expert. I've been doing this a long time, but I wrote this book and I do my podcast all the time to help.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I need to help too, because it's not like it's just, think about it like your health. You never just get to a place where you achieve your peak health and your mental health and physical, and you're done. And then you can go off and learn to play golf or something. No, Like it is an ongoing practice. So I have to learn. I have to remember with my partner, I haven't initiated in a while.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I'm going to make an effort. Because again, it's just, it's a skill set. We have to learn it. And what happens, why it gets so fraught is because think about it. If you have one partner that's always initiating, that's always deciding what's going to happen. And that means that if you're the one, you're the lower desire partner, not initiating, then you're the one who's saying yes or saying no.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So if you're rejecting your partner and saying no to them, it is a rejection. Even if it's because you were tired or it's been a long day with the kids or with work, they're still feeling not so great about it. They're still worried that like, did I do something wrong? Are you not attracted to me anymore?
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So it's just part of that really healthy give and take in a relationship where I think you have to all learn to be a participant in the relationship. And that comes down to learning how to initiate and consciously thinking about it. We have to think about our sex life holistically. Again, there's so much around it. So learning to say, okay, I'm going to put it in my calendar.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I'm going to even ask my partner, because maybe you don't even know how to initiate, right? Let's say your whole life. And I have to say that... I'm not usually the initiator. I did say that in the podcast too. I'm not. And it's because maybe I was with more higher desire partners or being a woman to bring gender into this.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I think often my heart goes out to men because they have so much pressure, I think, typically in heterosexual relationships. Like you've got to know all the sex things. You have to make the move. You have to ask someone out. You have to make the money. You have to know, understand their bodies. You have to be hard and ready to go. Like there's so much pressure. pressure.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And I think for men, and I'm not saying there aren't women who initiate a lot. I'm just saying you're in our typical stereotype, typical relationship. We're like, okay, at least I just have to respond to something. But there's a lot of power and empowerment in saying, I'm going to learn what makes me want to initiate. And it can even be with your partner.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Like what I love about the communication around sex is saying to your partner, I realize that I'm not always the one initiating, but help me out here. what would be a really hot initiation for you? What would that look like? Because then I don't have to make it up.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And my partner would say like, oh, I would love if you just came in and grabbed me, or you started making out with me, or you dressed up in something that made you feel sexy, or you blocked out the entire night for a date night, or I came home and you had candles lit, and you had music, our favorite music playing. It could look like however you want, but sometimes we just need a starting point.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
We just need a cue. So then you can go, okay, I'm going to light a candle when I come home. I'm going to light a candle and that's going to be a signal or I'm going to kiss my partner's neck. And then eventually we might have some more confidence to say like, okay, I know how to initiate now. I know how to do it. I'm gonna take responsibility for it.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Because again, yeah, your partner might be feeling like some rejection. I don't think we realize it, that the rejection builds up. over time and then your partner might say like, I'm not going to keep initiating because you don't want sex. So this is where not talking about it creates all these stories, right? I mean, again, our thoughts are not the truth often.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So our thoughts create, I know you talk a lot about this in your show too, our thoughts create stories and narratives that just are a great disservice to us. So let's just realize that maybe your partner might have some stories around your desire for them and like, The more you talk about it, you'll realize what they need and what you need to have satisfying sex.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
It's all there and it's all available.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Everything's great and we're married but we don't have great sex. The sex is not a but. Sex is not an afterthought. Sex is wellness and your pleasure is important and you have to prioritize it from the jump.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
yeah you know the day-to-day i mean let's normalize the fact that i would say that the majority of relationships are going to go through the dip it's going to happen because you know you know postpartum perimenopause menopause certain foods we eat if we exercise don't exercise i mean so many things impact our libido like i said medications mental health physical health and so just first off normalizing that it doesn't mean that you're broken it doesn't mean that there's like this huge
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
problem. It just means like accepting like this is an understanding that your libido is going to fluctuate over time. And when you're in a relationship, also acknowledging the fact that in every relationship, there's usually a high desire partner and a low desire partner.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And the low desire partner actually sort of controls the sex life because they're the ones who are deciding when the sex happens, when the sex doesn't happen. And
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And it's just a note to say that this is something just couples are going to have to have to learn to communicate about and recognize and first saying like, hey, I'm noticing that our, you know, our sex life is sort of changing and like, what can we, you know, what can we do together? But here's some very specific tips.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
The first thing is not expecting that your desire is going to be spontaneous like it was in the beginning of the relationship. So there's different kinds of desire. There's spontaneous and there is responsive. And so we, most of us are stuck in this, like I should be hit over my head.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I should want to rip my partner's clothes off or they see me in the room and they want it all the time and I don't. So I'm, therefore I'm broken, but I want to normalize responsive desire. So spontaneous, we all know. I see my partner, I'm turned on. I get a certain touch. I see something.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Again, a lot of us live in the state of when we are the honeymoon phase of our relationship, when we do have that spontaneous all the time, it's on. That is a state of time, a limited period of time. That's usually about six months, to two years. And that's because all those feel good hormones, you know, it's like any drug, what comes up is going to come down and we might not have that anymore.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So then we have to know the responsive desire is more about knowing when I talked about the self-knowledge pillar, what is going to stoke your desire? It could be so many different things. It could be I had a great date night with my partner. We had a wonderful conversation. The house is clean. I exercised today. I was able to manage my stress. I did some breath work. Or I'm on my cycle.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah, I'm on my cycle. I ate certain foods. I'm in a mood. I mean, really just kind of normalizing. Like there are certain knowing your body and knowing when you're going to be more in the mood and when you're not. I mean, there have been studies that show that women actually are more aroused in late afternoon. a lot of times sex isn't happening that way.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And then there's a lot of pressure, especially on women to have sex. And this, again, I don't even, I try not to use genders that much, even when my work, because I found that it's just, it's just like men, women, we all, whatever your gender is, we all experience all these different things. But if, if, For a lot of women, there's like a pressure that I got to be turned on at night.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And even my last partner, I was like, babe, Monday night's 10 o'clock. Like it's never, if it's after 10 o'clock, it's probably not going to happen on most nights of the week. I want to get in bed at nine. Like, let's find the times that it does work.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So the first thing is normalizing desire and understanding that you, so we might respond to, again, conversations, date night connections, certain things with our partners. The other thing is knowing that like you can schedule sex. People think that is the least sexy thing ever. Like you don't want to look at your calendar and be like, pick up the kids, go to, you know, go to work, have sex.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But when we don't schedule it, it's a way of saying like sex is important to us. We're going to prioritize it. And this way, you know, okay. Saturday night is our sex night. And so I don't have to actually be thinking about it on Wednesday or Thursday or Friday, but when it's Saturday, then I have self-knowledge that I'm gonna be thinking about it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So I'm gonna have that kind of like, sometimes when our brain gets on board for sex, our body's more likely to follow. So on these other times, maybe we're not on board, but if we know, like I have to respond to it. So I'm thinking about sex. I'm setting up the environment that's gonna be most conducive to me wanting to have sex. That's another way that couples can stoke it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And then also we thrive with,
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
curiosity and with spontaneity and with variety change and so what can we do that's different what is there a different position a different location is there again this is not the only solutions but like a new lubricant a toy a conversation and for so long again I talked earlier about the techniques that people like give me a quick technique and I'm not going to tell you like buy this vibrator your sex life is going to change however when we're talking about this one part of it
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
it might help you be more aroused. If there's something new, it could be anything like just, and even it could just be like a really sexy conversation about it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It's a huge part of it is, is creating a space that is conducive to sex. So, I love thinking about the senses. Like I always have this vanilla candle that I light. I have a lot of soft, fuzzy things in my room. I have great lighting. I have my favorite playlist.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And so anytime you think about all the senses that are like signaling sex or making you feel, you know, more turned on, it's so important. Even with a partner having a ritual, like again, I found that for so many women, sometimes sex gets going and it moves a lot faster than they want. And so it's like, I,
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
We, you know, I always talk about foreplay and I don't even love the word foreplay because it centers sex on penetration and penetration is not the magic for the majority of women. But even that, like, it's not just like a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement. So for couples to have like a ritual to have like with, you know, partners, I think like let's breathe together for a minute.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Let's hold hands. Let's look into each other's eyes. Let's make sure the room is set up. So it's all of that. It's, it's really engaging the senses and being intentional and, and setting yourself up so you're actually ready rather than feeling like you sort of fell into the sex and you weren't ready for it and it doesn't feel, yeah, intentional.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It's such a good question because if you think about it, there's so much judgment around women standing up for their own pleasure. Like women want to watch porn or buy a vibrator or even talk about sex. We have immediate judgment. And it's because of all this, like we'd have to undo like...
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Absolutely. That's the thing. Like a lot of women who have been assaulted can actually like have fantasies that are working that into it. Role playing out something that might've been such a traumatic event in their life and then flipping it into, you know, more of erotic sensual play.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah. That's it. Having agency and power.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
decades of cultural conditioning that tells women it's not okay to be sexual, that their sexuality is something to be shamed of, to be hidden, to be for somebody else's pleasure, and to be sort of a side thought or an afterthought. And so it's really comes back to like religion and society and not having a lot of information. I really think that's, that's what it's all about.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah. I would say first, you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. And again, we center sex so much on penetration. This goes back to like cultural conditioning and religion and all the things. We should only be having sex to make a baby. However, the majority of women are not going to have an orgasm through penetration.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
They're going to have an orgasm through like fingers, a mouth, a toy, words, energy, like so many other ways. And so first figuring out what is actually getting you the most turned on, aroused, and connected. And so really it's about figuring that out for yourself.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It could be through some solo work or having a partner that's really open to collaborating with you and finding out what is gonna allow you to orgasm. But sometimes again, when our goal is based on sensuality and connection, you might find that the orgasm happens Because you're releasing this notion that it should come out in a certain way.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But I think, again, it's really about just exploring your own body, being with a partner who's open to figuring that out with you, why it's going to happen, how it's going to happen, and what you require for orgasm. A lot of us just are expecting, again, that was kind of the start of my work was when I realized that I was tired of faking orgasms. You know, this was like 25 years ago.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I was like, this doesn't seem right. That my partner is always finishing. They're always having an orgasm and I am all about equality for women in all areas. Why is this the case? I don't, this doesn't seem right. And so I decided that wasn't going to happen again. I did everything I could. I really figured out my path to orgasm and that is available to every single woman.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And if you haven't had an orgasm with your partner, it's not because you can't, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you. It just because, you know, now, now you get to explore and find your path to pleasure.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
If I used to get your off and rebrand everything, I would.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah. I mean, it's actually like if you think about it. We need to be warmed up. If you're defining sex in a certain way, like genitals touching, rubbing against each other, you know, then we require it. But even just in general, foreplay can be anything. It could be a kiss, a glance, you know, sending your partner a sexy text. It can be just touch, massage. I'm such a fan of massage as foreplay.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I think that sex can be so healing for so many people. There is so much release that can happen when you feel safe because You actually can't fully access pleasure if you're living in an activated trauma state. There's so much judgment around women standing up for their own pleasure. And it's because we'd have to undo decades of cultural conditioning that tells women it's not okay.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I mean, I can't tell you how many times you might think you don't want sex and then you get like a foot massage for 15 minutes.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
One of the best things I ever did was buy a massage table.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Me too. Same. Yes. I'm telling you, it is worth your investment. You can buy them on the second, whatever, buy a massage table. It doesn't Amazon. Yep. Because first off, I love that you do this. It's like, okay, because also think about it. You, we talked about libido is waning. We're busy life.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You're exhausted, but here you are expected to perform and receive and have orgasms, do all these things. What if one night it's just about you are receiving and, And then next time your partner's receiving and then you're giving.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And there's just something about that active massage and touch where you can breathe together and really receive and use your favorite body oil, use a massage candle, like make that the practice. I mean, that to me is the ultimate foreplay.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It's about the cultural conditioning and judgments around women being sexual. I think that's, that's really, that's really what it is.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
That was like our favorite way. Like, yeah, I probably be like, okay, well, hi, my name is Joe. You know, we have so much fun with it every time and it's okay to laugh. It's okay to joke. And you would say in full character, but it was like always the best massage I ever had.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So let's like normalize that.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I love it. That is a great prank.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah. Wow. This is it, right? This is the conundrum. I mean... Well, first, I always ask to have couples like, usually they had it in the beginning, I hope. If you've had it, that's a great start. Usually a lot of other stuff has gotten in the way and you can build her up. But yes, you absolutely, it just means that you've gotten really comfortable.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You're connected all these other ways, maybe emotionally and spiritually. But it just means that, again, it's time to get really curious about your connection. What could you guys explore together that you're both into? I have this like yes, no, maybe list on my website. It is the most, it's probably been downloaded about a million times. It's a free guide at sexwithemily.com.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It has about a hundred sex acts on it. And it's just, I have a lot of different tools like these that just help people have the conversations or get curious. It has like a hundred different sex acts, like and you each take it separately. So kissing, is it a yes, no, or maybe? You know, dirty talk, yes, no, maybe. Toys, yes, no, maybe.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah, exactly.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And then you come together and I can't tell you how many couples are like, I had no idea my partner wanted to be spanked and I want to spank. It's just a great place to think like, Where have we not explored? Like what rock have we not turned over yet? Where are we stuck in patterns? You know, taking ourselves out of our conditioning of what we expect sex to be.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I think the more we talk about people like I was speaking this week somewhere and people said, how did you get so comfortable? I was like, I did not come out of the womb being like, did you know the clitoris has 12,000 nerve endings? You know, it's like I didn't grow up in an environment where I was comfortable talking about sex.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And another thing is to, for these couples, is to give yourselves permission to take sex, if you define it as penetration or orgasm, off the table. And then for a week or a month, say, we're just going to start to explore again. And today's just going to be about kissing. And the next week, we're going to be about exploring each other's hands or bodies or torso.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And we are just going to learn to find different ways to please each other and open up different receptors. And just, I mean, there's so much to explore. So I would say that... Again, the way it just couples can can get it back if they're both willing. Now, if there's one partner and here's you probably have found this as a couples therapist. And it's really, really in all the work you've done.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It's so challenging. And I found this a lot. Oftentimes there's one in the relationship who is pushing that sex boulder up the hill. They're like, let's have the conversations. Let's mix it up. Let's talk about it. Let's go to therapy. And there might be one partner going back to cultural conditioning and sexual shame and they don't want to talk about it. They don't want to discuss it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And they deeply believe that if they talk about sex and they have to work on it, then their relationship is over or it's broken or sex shouldn't be talked about. Again, I can't tell you how many people like still believe that sex should actually not, not only should that be talked about like on Instagram or anywhere, but it shouldn't even be talked about in a relationship. Right.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I would say, and I would love to know your take on this, I believe that 99.9% of couples have not yet had a healthy conversation about sex that has helped them truly connect and have more pleasure and have the sex that they want. Most of the conversations around sex are, when are we having it? We haven't had it a lot. How come you never do this or that?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I found that what we're talking about is these really healthy conversations are not as common.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But I think one of the magics and why I'll keep coming back, you know, my 20th year is because it is the kind of thing when you hang out with sex positive people or you listen to sex positive voices, whether you listen to sex with Emily or you. look at things online or read books, the more you talk about it, you realize like, oh yeah, it really just is wellness. Like sex is wellness.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I love that you said that. That is truly where I would say the majority of sex conversations are living. They're living up here in the numbers and the techniques and all these other things. But when we learn to be vulnerable and say the things that we think we cannot say, that's when the whole world of sensuality and sexuality truly opens up.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
That's greater intimacy.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I love that sex is a reflection of the fact that you are opening up and releasing whatever shame is around it. Because when we you know, when we speak the words, like the shame can't live that, right? Shame can no longer live where we are speaking our, you know, our, our truths.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Absolutely. And just know that your sex life can start today. Like just listen to this podcast. Like today could be the first day of the rest of your sex life. Let go of the past. Let go of how it was. You know, we don't want the same food sometimes we wanted five years ago. We don't do the same exercise.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
We don't even have the same, maybe sometimes the same friends or the same arrangement, same job. But for some reason, we keep having sex and thinking about sex in the same exact way. So I just want to release everybody from wherever it was in the past.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But if you have a partner who's willing to be like, let's start today, like let's start really exploring, getting curious and, you know, being honest and unpacking this and rebuilding or building it for the first time, perhaps into a way that feels good for both of us.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You know, that's harder with dating. I mean, is that harder? It's a different kind of challenge because, again, finding somebody that you want to explore with, like... Because here you are, you're like, I have all this great connection, I'm attracted to them. Then I would ask people, have a sexual conversation with them and open up and say, would you be willing to explore with me?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Can we explore some touch? Can we explore some massage together and see if it builds from there? But it can also be tricky because, again, because of the way our society is set up, that person might never have had a conversation like this. Like what we're talking about now is not as commonplace.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So I feel like you could just sort of be vulnerable with somebody you're dating and say, like, I don't know if I feel the spark, but would you be open to like exploring with me, going to a play party, doing something different and seeing if you can kind of find that with somebody? Yeah. But also we just might not have it. Somebody might just come into your life to be a really good friend.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Like I don't, there's a lot of factors that have to fall into place. But if you, but you were asking if everything's great, yeah, they're great on paper or all that stuff, but it's not there. Sometimes it's just not there. Yeah. Like that's just the magic.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And women can talk about all these other things that they're doing for their wellness. They're taking these supplements, these vitamins, a skincare routine, they're exercising, they're doing all these things. And we're like following them and we're following along. Meanwhile, I'm on Instagram talking about women, empowering things for women to really take charge of their own pleasure.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And I have to say that people have to, I love that you said non-negotiable because it's I can't tell you how many people are like, everything's great and we're married, but we don't have great sex. We're married and have never been attracted. We have six kids.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And it's like, that's really tough when you've already like walked on the aisle and committed to somebody, but you're like, everything was great. But the sex, the sex is not a but. Sex is not an afterthought. Like that is what we're talking about. That sex is wellness. Sex is important. Your pleasure is important. And you have to prioritize it from the jump.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So again, if you're dating somebody and it's only been a few times you've gone out or it's been a few months and it just, you've tried, like I, someone recently reached out, they're like, I'm dating this person. And, and it's really like, they've tried to have conversations with them about a few things that weren't working. They weren't receptive.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
They're like, but I really like, I'm like, listen, it's been three months. This is the honeymoon phase. If the sex isn't great right now, like, cut your losses. This is still, it's like, they're not open. They're showing you who they are right now. You know, you have enough information at this point.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Oh my God. I love this question because it's so true. Like you nailed it. The reason why we don't have these conversations with our partners is exactly that. We're afraid we're going to offend them. We're going to hurt their feelings. And we're like, I know it's not great, but I actually don't know what I want. So I think I'm just going to stay mute about it and hope it gets better.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
it doesn't get better.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Like, let me just tell you when you put the sex on the back burner, it's going to be staying on the back burner. And it's just, I just see so many people waiting for it. So my first thing is, is, is actually saying to your partner, you know, I always talk about timing, tone, and turf. It's my three T's for any conversation, especially a sex conversation.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
This is a starting point, is if you haven't talked about sex yet, find the right time when you're not halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You know when you're hanging out, it's a good environment. The tone is curious and compassionate and chill. And the turf is outside the bedroom. I actually think we should leave our bedrooms for sleeping and for sex.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And let's not make it to have like our really deep, heavy conversations around sex, especially if it's like you're already in a state of arousal and you feel rejected again. And then you're like, how come you never initiate or you don't want sex? Let's find a time when we are, yeah, just hanging out on a road trip, you know, hiking, walking. And then you could say, you know what?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And I get shadow bound. Yeah. Like we can't talk about it still. And so again, that's happening today. Like I'm saying we have to undo cultures of it, but it's really, I still have to face it every single day of my life that I'm talking about something that is still taboo and shameful.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I just, and I always have people blame me. Like, I was in sex with Emily and she said that most couples don't actually have productive, healthy conversations that move the needle about our sex lives. And she also cited a statistic that couples who do talk about their sex lives often have healthier, more satisfied sex lives. So I don't want to be that statistic. I want to be the couple that is.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So would you be open? Would you be willing to go on a sexual journey with me where we can have honest and open conversations about our sex life, about our desires, about our wants, about our likes or dislikes. Like, are you even open to that? And you know, you see what your partner says, hopefully they say yes. And then you get to start to explore. You can go into therapy together.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You could just think about what you've liked in the past. A great starting point is, okay, let's talk about the three most memorable times you've had sex together. And then from there, you'd be like, what was it about that time? Where were we? What was happening? It's sort of like your sexual DNA of your relationship.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So, I mean, there's a lot of other techniques and modalities, but I would say first, just start having a conversation. And again, remember that it's not a one-time conversation. You know, I've found that once couples get over that hump and the awkwardness, they actually learn to love these conversations. They actually can't live without them. It becomes...
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
the fuel and the life force of their relationship.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I love that. It's so, so important. I mean, I think that so many couples would benefit from that and I know it might not be accessible to everybody, but think of all the other things that we're doing in our life. And if you're like sharing that, how much it moves the needle and
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
We invest in so many other things in our relationship, but even just saying once a month, we're going to have a therapist that we check in with. It's really hard to do the work on your own. Like you will get into patterns that are going to get disruptive. Your libidos will suffer. You will have setbacks. You will have hard things happen.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And if you have a trusted coach or therapist that you can go to again, even once a month, once a quarter, it could be life-saving and life-giving for your relationship.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I love that you shared that. We all need it. We're never done.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Therapists of therapists. We all like, it's like, I don't think you ever, you don't arrive to a place. It's always evolving. And it's like, we hire coaches and we hire experts for every other area of our life, right? You know, heartbreaks down or toothpicks or like everything. But for some reason with these like, relationship issues or sex issues, we just feel like we have to suffer alone.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And you don't. There's so many great resources out there.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Well, I think part of it is, I hear this mostly from women. They say to me, I can't have casual sex because when I do, I catch feelings. And I would say that's another part of our cultural conditioning.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You can actually learn, train your body to be receiving pleasure fully and know that it's about your pleasure and be connected to somebody and feel safe with somebody and you don't have to fall in love with them. So I think that's a little bit of rewiring that we can do if we're open to it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Now, that's a little bit of work, but I think that we could learn to with great boundaries and great communication skills, you can probably have great sex with somebody and make it more casual if they're open to it, be more open, say that you're dating other people. or have that, be honest about it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I think today is like, I mean, honestly, in the last 20 years, I think that we're at such a good time right now. There's like apps for this. People are more open. They're talking about being open. But if you just want it to be casual, you know, mention that, be honest that you just want casual. What you're saying, I think what you asked was.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But did you like, what are the, so again, checking the feelings and saying, am I just prescribing the feelings to this person that's making me feel a certain way? Because it might not really be about them. It's that you feel safe with this person. They're willing to collaborate with you. They're willing to, they're holding space for you. They're making you feel safe.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And, you know, there's something about this connection. And I think that there's a lot of learning in there. Like, what is it? About this sexual connection that feels so good. Pay attention. You're going to put that in your self-knowledge bucket. And then when you are searching for a partner, again, that has all the other things that you're looking for, you can be like, this was the thing.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So sexual intelligence or sex IQ is really something that came to me when I was, I was writing my last book, smart sex, and it's called smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. But it was only when I was writing it that it occurred to me that, listen, you know, people talk about their writing or they're thinking they have a download. I was always sort of envious of those people.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Because a lot of times we don't even remember. We don't even dissect it or think about it. But take this as a note. Like, wow, this person does these things that are allowing me to feel safe and fully expressive. Yeah. I would say it's not about their penis. It's not about their moves. It's not about the way they smell. Like it might be part of it, but usually it's about us.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So how they're making us feel and that's transferable.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
There's so many. I would say most, I think that we should always be aroused and turned on all the time. I mean, we covered that, but like we should always be having orgasms. We should be having sex certain, yeah, a certain number of times a week. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
That was just my conditioning. That's a really big one. I would say that that was the first misconception when I started this career that I was shocked. I thought that, again, it goes back to societal conditioning. Men are...
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
ready to go they should have erection 24 7 and women are just like frigid and don't really want it like so not true there's so many women who want sex all the time they're super turned on aroused in their bodies and they want sex more than their their male partners and I'm telling you my heart goes out to men like men
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
have to have that we are expecting, like they have this pressure that they should always know what they're doing. Again, be aroused, turn on, ready to go. And that's just not the case for many men. They don't, they too might not want sex all the time. I think that the other misconceptions are that fantasies aren't normal. You shouldn't have fantasies or porn is bad.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I think porn and, and use it a healthy way can be great. Or that maybe using sex toys means that it's somehow lesser of an orgasm or not really,
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
you know i don't know people judge them gosh if you have to use lube there's a problem just so many narratives yeah we get to debunk all of that right here and now it's done whatever your truth is gets to be your except your truth that's what watch the shame fall away once you
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I was like, you had to download your whole book, just download it. And you wrote it like from the universe.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
This makes me insane. This has just been around forever and you will go on TikTok and you will find so many tropes like this. Like, well, she slept with me on the first date and I didn't want to date her. We make them beg for it or wait till the third date or wait till you're committed or relationships won't last. I mean...
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
people will say that they'll continue to say that I don't believe in any rules around this I think that listen if you are truly feeling connected with somebody and you're feeling safe with somebody and you're not too drunk you weren't coerced I mean that's the thing like a lot of times we get really drunk or liquid courage and we had sex and regret it I'm talking about fully embodied sex where you wanted to have it you met somebody it felt great and you actually had a good time and you're glad that you did it it doesn't really matter what happens after that if you if
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Well, this actually happens to me with the five pillars because I was thinking that after all these years, when it comes to sex, because it's still shameful, taboo, and shrouded mystery, and it's the kind of thing where people think about sex, they're like, give me the quick tip, trick, or technique, and then I'll be on my way. Mm. Like I want a quick fix for whatever's wrong.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
full on were there for the sex because you wanted it. You might be with a partner who had a judgment that, well, I would have made you my wife, but you had sex with me. So now it didn't work. I would say you dodge a bullet. That's not your person. They're legitimately judging you on this one thing that you did because you both wanted to in the moment.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Like to me, these are just like, seriously, not your people. I just think that. And you'll hear from just as many coppers like we had sex in the first day. We've been together 30 years. So I just don't believe in the rules and the conditions around this. I will say that sex is such like so many things. It's intimacy, it's connections, it's kissing, it's touching.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
If you know that you're somebody that once you do have sex, you get really attached or you connect all these emotions to it, then maybe... You could wait to have sex, like maybe wait to have penetrative sex. Maybe you just slow it down and say, God, can we go back to just the making out? That felt really, really good. We're allowed to stop sex. We're allowed to say, you know what?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
This is moving too fast. It's not what I want right now. And like change the moment. I have to say that I used to think I couldn't stop sex, that there was like... Once I got going with sex, I had to continue because it would like hurt my partner's feelings. They would get blue balls. Like I was afraid they'd call 911. Like that was a thing. It's not a thing.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I mean, yes, they might be uncomfortable for a minute, but like no one's going to die because you. So I just think, again, knowing yourself, knowing that like it actually is really hot to wait too. Like it's really hard to be like, let me see if I actually like this person and I trust them and I feel safe with them. Hard to feel super safe on a first date. Yeah. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Like truly, like true safety comes from, you know, consistency and knowing someone. So again, like okay to wait, but also no judgment around if you decide to a full body.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But it's so truly the drinking opens us up. Like So yeah, just permission to have your own experience and then like know yourself and be like, well, maybe on this date that I'm not going to drink or I will drink and I'll be okay with what I decided. Like there's no, again, this goes back to the shaming around, you know, sexuality. It's just like, really? What if you just had a really good night?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah. It was a good time. And then you went home.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
so much easier once you're clear about your boundaries and your values and like, yeah, let those people fall away who has all these judgments around sex, who has all these like rules and strict, like, you know. It's fear. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I can't have an orgasm. I'm no longer turned on by my partner. Something's wrong with my penis. Give me one tip and then I'm out. But the truth is that sex is wellness. Pleasure is wellness. And so the five pillars of sexual IQ or sexual intelligence really came to me because it really is a multilayered approach. You have to think about it. your overall health and wellness and self-confidence.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So for me, I realized that my sex was all performant, pretty not all. I mean, I love the making out and the kissing, but once it came to like penetration and usually the penetration came too fast and I was doing all the things. And once I started realizing like, Oh, I, I actually am deserving of pleasure. I can have pleasure. My experience was just learning my own body.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I mean, honestly, I spent so much time with like really like ramping up my masturbation practice and without shame and learning to touch my body, make the sounds, figure out what felt good to me. And for anyone who wants to kind of
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
overcome their performance is I would say you got to spend time alone and you have to like practice some like, you know, cultivating your eroticism and your sensuality and really making that pleasure date with yourself of exploring all the nerve endings on your body and what really feels good to you and like your inner elbow, the nape of your neck, like what are all the different ways you can experience pleasure?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
practice making sounds, look at yourself in the mirror, really do these kind of exercises, like make this your practice, take the baths, do the things, put time into it. That is how we're gonna like grow our erotic energy and learn to accept ourselves. And learn to really like that's because then we gain more confidence. We're like, oh, I can have pleasure.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I just didn't know how to show a partner that I didn't know how to ask for it. And so once you do this work, you will no longer be able to fall into those performative spaces because you've actually taken the time to learn yourself. So. But it's a practice and it's probably the most important work we can do.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And for many people I hear about masturbation, you know, we can't even say the word a lot of times or, you know, you'll get, you know, whatever, it's part of the shadow bed and part of whatever and it's dirty and whatever. But it really is part of like taking your power back again, too, is like you might not have discovered all those places in your body where you can have pleasure.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And it's okay to masturbate if you're in a relationship. A lot of people say, oh, I don't need to have a partner now. And it's like, no, like it really is a part of self-care. People are going to masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship, and even share it with your partner. Mutual masturbation is such a beautiful, sexy act where you're both actually masturbating.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
you know, pleasing yourselves while your other partner's watching. So they're actually getting turned on because you're truly in your pleasure, but then they're also learning what you, how you touch yourself. So a great way is like, I've learned these things. Like, do you want to see what I do? Or let me show you how I please myself.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You know, I often get questions about what do you do if your partner's threatened by a vibrator? They don't want to use it. You bring it into the bedroom and show them like, I've got this really cool toy, let me show it on you first. So like, I'll take the vibrator and I'll like rub it on their their body. And I'll be like, that's not feel good. And like, they love it. They love the loop.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So the pillars break down this way. The first one is embodiment. And that's, are we in our bodies during sex? Or are we disassociating, thinking about the laundry, thinking about our bodies, thinking about our kids, thinking if we're pleasing our partner enough. And so that's really, we know what it's like to be in embodied is his presence. Am I in my body? I'm actually feeling it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
They love the vibe. They don't know it. Like, I think that there's a lot of guys that are thinking to themselves like you've got this like 16 foot vibrator. That's going to replace me. And it's going to, you know, and it's like, usually they're like little like pebble shaped toys that like really just stimulate our clitoris.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
They can be shaped like a phallic object, but once you like show them and you experience it together, it becomes part of your play and you can show them how you please yourself. So I think that those are some ways to get over that performative part of it.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
That is a problem. First of that, the mirror actually is the most powerful one. I too had to do that in school and grad school. We had to look at it and we had to write, we had to draw it. We had like all these crafts. You had to like write, yeah, write a letter to it. All of that is like so, so important. I think that's a great practice.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I think practicing like your sound, like humming, moaning, making noises. learning to fully express your sexuality, maybe reading erotically. If you just feel, some people are just so shut down from things. So like finding your sources of spark, like what actually is turning you on? Can you think about moments, erotic moments?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Like I love like ethical porn, which is porn that's made like usually by women for women. You're seeing like real bodies, like performers are paid well. There, you know, there's more plots, like just finding stuff that is really like
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
stoking your sensuality and eroticism is is another really like helpful way to find what really what your turn-ons really are and again it's never too late to start I mean I would say that I hear from women all ages 60s 70s 40s 20s never had an orgasm never expressed herself so again it's because of the way our society's been set up so just you know get curious and and and
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Start exploring and looking for sensual inspiration.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I wish that women knew that their sexual power... was in their hands, that they were responsible for their own power and their own pleasure. And it's not based on anyone else. And I would also say that it's infinite and it's expansive and it's ever changing. It's waiting for you.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Am I connected to my partner? And so that's the first thing we got to check. And, you know, I give a lot of tips for that, as does your entire podcast, but that's just a big part of it and your body of work. The second one is health, and that is our mental health and our physical health. And so we have to look at, are we taking any medications that might be impacting our sexuality?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You can find me everywhere at Sex With Emily. So it's, my website is sexwithemily.com. All social media, Sex With Emily.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Join my membership, Smart SX. It's an app where we can connect once a month. I do live workshops. And yeah, I have a store if you want to go shopping. I've like curated it to be like my favorite sex accessories. Ooh, fun. All of it is Sex With Emily. Amazing.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
That's wherever you listen to podcasts. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
People are often surprised to hear that the birth control pill, antidepressants, blood thinners, All these things impact our ability to orgasm, arousal, not to mention, I call them the pleasure thieves, but stress, trauma, and shame. These things are very heady and heady stew, especially shame. Those get in the way. Our physical health, blood flow. Are we exercising? Are we moving our bodies?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
If we are not, that's going to impact our arousal. Our ability to get erections, have blood flow, to have orgasms. The foods we're eating, hormones, those are all the second pillar of health. The third pillar is collaboration. And this is a big one. This is all about like, okay, so I want to be having better sex, but have I actually talked to my partner about it? How well am I collaborating?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
paid to be sexual, that their sexuality is something to be shamed of, to be hidden. Sex is messy. If we can take our tears or our so-called mess and celebrate that as like, wow, this is like true sexual expression, that's another way to really reverse the shame and turn it into pleasure.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
How well do I understand polarity, sexual polarities, right? The masculine and the feminine. How well am I just even, I always say communication is a lubrication. Do I feel comfortable asking for what I want? So am I collaborating with my partner? That's the third pillar. And then we get into self-knowledge. How well do I know myself as a sexual being?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Do I actually know what I like, what my turn-ons are, and what my requirement is to be aroused? And if so, am I speaking that? Am I talking about that? Am I sharing that? And then the final one is self-acceptance. And that's all about... you know, our confidence and accepting our bodies and our experience as it is today in this moment?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Are we accepting it so we can fully be present with our pleasure?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Yeah, absolutely. I would say that of the pleasure thieves, that shame is probably the most destructive, but also the most insidious. We don't really see all the ways that shame is sort of creeping into our lives. And a lot of it is cultural conditioning. And I think for shame, first, we have to think when we hear that voice in our head and shame kind of sounds like you shouldn't be doing this.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
You know, my body, you know, I shouldn't be sexual anymore. I'm not sexy. I don't feel good in my body. What's my partner thinking? Am I actually pleasing them? Is my sex more performative? You know, it's all those judgments. It's the negative self-talk. And then we can look at that voice and say, where's that coming from? Is that actually my thoughts?
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Has that been implanted in my brain by somebody else somewhere else at another time? And if so, can I replace that voice with a more positive sex, positive message or affirmation? You know, my body is deserving of pleasure. Pleasure is my birthright. And so, I mean, that's one way to undo the shame, notice where it's coming from and then like replace it. And again, we don't rid ourselves of shame.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
We manage our shame. I don't know that you ever fully release it because voices come into our head a lot. I mean, maybe I, I guess I always want to, I guess it's a process.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So I think another way is to, is to surround yourself, like I said, with sex positive voices and people that support you and that aren't judging you and that people who, you know, find partners who also have a growth mindset around sex and who are on the sexual journey with you. Sex is an exploration. It is a journey, not a destination. Yeah.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And so that's another way is when you're with somebody who is supporting you and going along with you. And then also just, yeah, I mean, those are some, some ways to do it. Just rewiring your conditioning.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It's a big part of it. Surrounding yourself with the community, the voices, the following sex, positive voices, the podcast, all of that. And yes, I mean, we were so lucky that we are in a positive community where we are in the world and where we live. And we're so grateful. I am so grateful, but we still have a long way to go.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So when I say like, we probably don't, I don't have a lot of sexual shame. I've shamed maybe about other things sometimes, but, but yeah, I mean, that's, it is such a beautiful community. It's like, thank you to be with, to fully be with partners who support us in our sexuality and who want us to have pleasure and we are so lucky for that.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And I want people to know that that is accessible for you too.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Absolutely. Yeah. I have a community I started last year. It's called Smart SX and it's, it's this from the sex without me community and it's people all over the world that we come together, you know, once a week I bring in like coaches and other sex positive voices just to help people realize like you are in community and it's amazing that people open up and support each other.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And right now we are working through all the pillars so people can really kind of get a handle on of manage them. And one more thing I want to say about sexual intelligence, which is why it's tricky. It's more of like the pillars are created so we can become our own sex experts and we can troubleshoot. You might have a week where you're really high in embodiment.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Like I was feeling really embodied, but actually I've been holding the scrudge against my partner and I haven't been a great collaborator. So really, it's more like I don't think you ever get to 100% on all five in every day of your life, just like health, like you have some weeks you work out more, but you haven't been hydrated enough.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
So that's the thing about the pillars is just a way to look at them. So you can kind of navigate yourself through whatever your sexual challenges are in your goals.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that sex can be so healing for so many people. When you think about it, it's a release. It's connection. It's intimacy. It's touch. It's learning to feel safe in your body with a trusted partner or partners. And so there is so much release that can happen when you actually feel safe and you're able to advocate for yourself, ask for what you want, really, like,
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
be present with your pleasure. And that's when the amazing release happens because so much of that's holding us back from pleasure. Like we, you actually can't fully access pleasure if you're living in an activated trauma state, or if your nervous system is highly dysregulated, it really, they just, they don't, you know, they cancel each other out. It can't coexist.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
And so healing when you're with someone or even with yourself, I mean, I've done so much healing on my own through my own like solo sex practices.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
When I was first like starting out, I realized like I had a lot of these things that I talk about and just through my own power of touch and having sensual touch without the goal of orgasm, but the goal of exploration was so healing and, you know, things come up and, you know, memories and, you know, it's so great to work through it with a coach or a practitioner or a trauma therapist.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But when we do that work, sex can be incredibly, incredibly healing and it's accessible for everybody. Even people who have had sexual trauma, you know, people who have had sexual trauma, sometimes they think like sex is just, isn't accessible for them. But even, you know, sometimes they've even
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
with a trusted practitioner they've been able to make it sort of work for them even if they've had horrific traumas in their life they can actually even work it into their erotic stories or you know there's just it's endless and that's the thing when people talk about their sex lives getting boring or stale or you know and that happens to everybody I'm going to tell you that I would say that I don't like saying everybody I would say the majority of people are going to experience that
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But when you think of sex as really a healing practice and an embodiment practice, it's endless because every day you're starting anew. Every time you sit down, it's a new practice.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
It's another way that women are like, I'm sorry, I'm crying, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's because everything lives in our body, every emotion, every experience, every trauma, everything. And so sometimes it's really not your body saying, like, I am sad, I am happy. It's just an actual release because when...
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
we are having a release of an orgasm or we're having all this like spiking cortisol, oxytocin, testosterone, you know, there's so much happening with our hormones at any time that when we are in the state of connection with somebody, we might cry, we might moan, we might. And so it's a completely normal experience.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I think, I mean, actually like there's been a lot of times I've cried after sex and I've learned to like love it. Like I'm like, Oh God, I'm fully in the moment and experience of love. of, of connection and healing. So I think for so much of these things that we, about sex that we judge and we shame and we feel bad about that, if we can just say, wow, this is part of the experience.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
I like, I celebrate it. I celebrate it all. Like sex is messy and it's loud and it can be dirty and it can be so many things, but Again, because it's not normalized, because we don't see a lot of examples in the media or anywhere of what a healthy, normal sexual expression is, we immediately go to judgment. We immediately think something's wrong and I am broken.
Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
But if we can take our tears or our so-called mess or our feelings of brokenness and celebrate that as like, wow, this is like true sexual expression, I mean, then I think that that's another way to really reverse the shame and turn it into pleasure.