Dr. Hilary Goldsher
speaker
72 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Dr. Hilary Goldsher’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
That's right.
get out of a toxic situation or out of a situation where they're being abused i have a lot of people writing me right now that are inside of abusive relationships and i see the spiral i don't have quick advice let me do a quick summary of why people are there and then we'll go into how do you begin to even think about extracting so we talked about that emotional psychological factor briefly and i could do hours about this because it's highly complex
Not everyone who's had abandonment in their childhood end up in abusive relationships. Of course, that's true. But people who end up in abusive relationships often have this as a background. Yes. And so that's one of the aspects that we more often than not see. The other we address briefly, which is guilt and shame.
The internalized guilt for being someone that would subject themselves to these dynamics and allow themselves to be a victim of are overwhelming, can cause emotional paralysis, what we call a severe collapse response, where you're literally internally and physically in a fetal position, unable to think, unable to act.
The entire nervous system shuts down, goes into a fight or flight solely because of the shame, let alone the emotional and physical abuse you may be enduring. So it's not just death. should I stay or should I go? The body goes into an absolute trauma mode in a fight or flight state. And we have cortisol, the stress hormone running through our body.
We have adrenaline running through our body, which is adrenaline. And what does that do? That amongst other things, disallows us to access resources our full frontal lobe and make good decisions and use our full judgment. So that is absolutely part of the reason that people are unable to curate resources to go. The other we talked about briefly at the top was logistical.
Some people literally have nowhere to go. Where am I going?
Yes, that's right. That's right. Break you down with your confidence and your sense of agency and mastery and feel unable to do anything by telling victims that they're stupid or incapable and beating them down day after day after day so that even if the fact pattern isn't true, the woman is absolutely capable. She internalizes that she's not. So you're right. Logistics often go together.
I have nowhere to go. I have no ability to make money and intersects with that first tenant, which is shame. If I, because people listening might say, well, like, go to your best friend, go to your mom, go to your pastor, go to your therapist, that shame piece. I'm so ashamed for how badly I feel about myself for allowing myself to be in this position.
My fight or flight system has been triggered. I'm paralyzed. I can't do anything.
Yes.
Oh, Aubrey, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I'm having a visceral reaction to that experience.
I do too. And if you don't mind, I'll use your experience to elucidate what we're talking about, which is so in that moment, the intersection of factors, right? You feel choiceless, resourceless. Your body's in fight or flight. You're completely paralyzed.
You may even have what I alluded to before, which is a severe response collapse, which is actually a phenomenon where you basically go into a primitive state, a completely regressed state where you cannot- On the floor.
I'm devastated for you. I'm devastated and I really appreciate your vulnerability for saying this out loud because it's a horrifying truth and yet maybe helps viewers and listeners understand that someone is resilient and strong and sort of together as you are in a peer can have an intersection of factors occur where they wind up in this position.
The other unique thing that happens in abusive situations that I think is confusing people as they listen to the trial is and you've briefly alluded to in your own experience, is this pull to reunite with the abuser, right? So even in that moment, I would imagine all you wanted was for him to come and get you and tell you you were in good standing again. And so what is this?
What is this that we want the abuser to say? No, actually, I pick you. I choose you. You can come back inside metaphorically and literally. Come back in the fold. And I believe this was discussed on the stand by Dr. Hughes. This is the well-known but overused notion of trauma bonding.
And let me say a little more about it because I think people use it so casually these days that it doesn't capture what it's meant to from a clinical standpoint. But trauma bonding is around the notion that abuse often follows a cycle, right, where there's tension building there. The victim is trying to please and please and please.
The explosion happens and the intense abuse occurs, whether it's physical or emotional, mental or both. And then there's the pull for the victim to reunite. It's essentially getting their fill of nutrients, their lifeline. When am I going to get brought back to life? They feel like they're choiceless, optionless.
There's no other resources or connection or people available because of all the things I just said.
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