Dr. John Gottman

And people have all these ways of splitting the difference to kind of say we can agree to disagree. But when people agree to disagree, they're not staying connected. The ability to connect is really this. The research says that if we are describing a contentious situation, you and me, and you tell me what you experience about it, and I don't agree with it, I can listen for about 10 seconds.

And after that, I start to prepare my rebuttal. So when I ask people to repeat what they have just heard that the other person just said to them, If they have to repeat something that they can't agree with, they can't repeat it. It's much more difficult. And 10 seconds is three sentences. And after that, they're lost.

And after that, I start to prepare my rebuttal. So when I ask people to repeat what they have just heard that the other person just said to them, If they have to repeat something that they can't agree with, they can't repeat it. It's much more difficult. And 10 seconds is three sentences. And after that, they're lost.

And after that, I start to prepare my rebuttal. So when I ask people to repeat what they have just heard that the other person just said to them, If they have to repeat something that they can't agree with, they can't repeat it. It's much more difficult. And 10 seconds is three sentences. And after that, they're lost.

So this is how hard it is to enter the truth, the reality of another when it jars with our own.

So this is how hard it is to enter the truth, the reality of another when it jars with our own.

So this is how hard it is to enter the truth, the reality of another when it jars with our own.

Yes, but I'm going to give it to you more in phenomenological language than in brain talk. Because what is my experience actually when I am attacked? Here is this person that I usually or that I used to feel sees me. gets me, understands me. And now you're saying things that make me feel like you don't get me at all. And I feel completely lonely next to you.

Yes, but I'm going to give it to you more in phenomenological language than in brain talk. Because what is my experience actually when I am attacked? Here is this person that I usually or that I used to feel sees me. gets me, understands me. And now you're saying things that make me feel like you don't get me at all. And I feel completely lonely next to you.

Yes, but I'm going to give it to you more in phenomenological language than in brain talk. Because what is my experience actually when I am attacked? Here is this person that I usually or that I used to feel sees me. gets me, understands me. And now you're saying things that make me feel like you don't get me at all. And I feel completely lonely next to you.

And I feel completely disconnected from you. And I'm thinking, I can't take another moment of this. This is the phenomenology of what happens when the truths are butting heads. You know, you can do brain talk about that, but it doesn't really give you the actual experience of people. I want to shake you. I want to drill my truth into you is one response.

And I feel completely disconnected from you. And I'm thinking, I can't take another moment of this. This is the phenomenology of what happens when the truths are butting heads. You know, you can do brain talk about that, but it doesn't really give you the actual experience of people. I want to shake you. I want to drill my truth into you is one response.

And I feel completely disconnected from you. And I'm thinking, I can't take another moment of this. This is the phenomenology of what happens when the truths are butting heads. You know, you can do brain talk about that, but it doesn't really give you the actual experience of people. I want to shake you. I want to drill my truth into you is one response.

I'll repeat it one more time, exactly the same as the time before. Why would this time succeed? Beats me. But I'll say it once more just to see if I can get inside of you means if I can pour my heart, my feelings, my sadness, my disappointments inside of you so that you can get it and then let me know of that. It's really extremely rich, actually, what happens in those moments.

I'll repeat it one more time, exactly the same as the time before. Why would this time succeed? Beats me. But I'll say it once more just to see if I can get inside of you means if I can pour my heart, my feelings, my sadness, my disappointments inside of you so that you can get it and then let me know of that. It's really extremely rich, actually, what happens in those moments.

I'll repeat it one more time, exactly the same as the time before. Why would this time succeed? Beats me. But I'll say it once more just to see if I can get inside of you means if I can pour my heart, my feelings, my sadness, my disappointments inside of you so that you can get it and then let me know of that. It's really extremely rich, actually, what happens in those moments.

And it depends if we think that it is disconnect because there's conflict or it's simply that we have a very different view of the story. So when I meet you, it's easier when we just meet in the beginning and I say, Drew, what did you think of this play? What did you think of this movie? And you tell me, and I say, oh, I didn't see that at all. I saw something very different.

And it depends if we think that it is disconnect because there's conflict or it's simply that we have a very different view of the story. So when I meet you, it's easier when we just meet in the beginning and I say, Drew, what did you think of this play? What did you think of this movie? And you tell me, and I say, oh, I didn't see that at all. I saw something very different.

And it depends if we think that it is disconnect because there's conflict or it's simply that we have a very different view of the story. So when I meet you, it's easier when we just meet in the beginning and I say, Drew, what did you think of this play? What did you think of this movie? And you tell me, and I say, oh, I didn't see that at all. I saw something very different.

But don't you think that this character was really terrible? And you say, no, I actually think that character was really terrible. And we are interested in each other because there's a certain distance between us still that allows me to listen to you and you to me without thinking if he says so, what does that mean for me? How does that reflect back on me?