Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Wed, 27 Nov 2024
This episode is brought to you by Ollie, Lifeforce, and Lumebox. Relationships, communication, and intimacy are the cornerstones of meaningful connections in our lives, yet they often present some of our greatest challenges. In today’s episode, leading experts explore the keys to fostering deeper relationships, improving communication, and creating lasting intimacy, offering practical tools to transform how we connect with those we love. Today on The Dhru Purohit Show, we bring you a special compilation episode featuring Dhru’s conversations with experts on relationships, connection, and intimacy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman discuss the importance of recognizing what your partner is doing right. They also highlight key findings from a seven-year study on happiness, including how to turn toward your partner and implement bids for connection. Dr. Emily Morse explains why scheduling intimacy—even if it feels like a chore—is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. She also dives into the "Three T’s of Communication" and how to initiate conversations about intimacy. Esther Perel shares why letting go of the need to be right is essential, along with strategies to overcome the overwhelming feeling of disconnect when your partner doesn’t see your point of view. She breaks down how all fights connect to core pillars and offers tips on practicing mirroring for better understanding. If you’re ready to enhance your relationships and improve your communication and intimacy, this episode is a must-listen! In this episode, Dhru and his guests dive into: Evidence that your partner is doing things right (2:00) Seven-year study on happiness and turning toward your partner (3:10) Bid for connection and how to implement it (6:18) Interdependence versus independence (16:12) Scheduling intimacy (20:35) Who should initiate the conversation (23:35) The 3 T’s of communication: Timing, Tone, and Turf (25:15) Mirroring what you heard (29:15) Initiating the conversation and carrying the burden (33:25) The need to be right (39:52) The overwhelming feeling of disconnect (42:57) Catching yourself, listening, and mirroring (46:32) The core pillars: What all fights are about (53:15) Final thoughts (56:30) Drs. John and Julia Gottman have studied over 3,000 couples and through their research have found the secrets to successful partnerships. The Gottmans help give individuals the tools they need to listen and connect with their partner while providing a safe space for conversation and growth without criticism or contempt. Dr. Emily Morse is the host of the award-winning number one sexuality podcast, Sex With Emily, which has been on the air for nearly two decades. Esther Perel is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, and is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work? Also mentioned: Why Nobody Is Having Great Sex & How To Make it Amazing with Dr. Emily Morse 4 Big Signs That a Relationship Won't Last and the Latest Science on Creating Love with Drs. Julie and John Gottman Why Some Relationships Don’t Last With Esther Perel This episode is brought to you by Ollie, Lifeforce, and Lumebox. Want to give your dog the best in clean eating? Take the online quiz and introduce Ollie to your pet. Right now, Ollie is offering 60% off your first box of meals when you subscribe today! Just head to Ollie.com, use the code DHRU and you’ll get 60% off your first box of meals in your subscription. Right now, you can save $250 on your first diagnostic and get personalized suggestions. Optimize your longevity and track your progress; go to mylifeforce.com/dhru! Lumebox is offering my community 50% off their portable Red Light device for Black Friday! Just go to thelumebox.com/dhru to get your device. Sale ends 12/2. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What are the three super hacks for better relationships?
Hi everyone, Drew Perrault here. On today's episode, we have three incredible, I've used every single one of these in my own life and relationship. We have three incredible tips in detail from three, actually four of the world's top experts on relationship, connection, and intimacy.
You guys have heard me talk about this before, but the longest running study from Harvard, which was like some 60, 70, 80 years, I don't have the notes in front of me, showed that human connection with the deepest relationships around us is directly connected to our happiness. our relationships are a huge part of our happiness.
Now, of course, that includes friendships, our relationships with our children, our friend group, but it also includes our partnership, our wife, our husband, our boyfriend, our girlfriend, whatever it might be. And maybe some of you listening today are not in a relationship, but might want to be in a relationship one day. These tips are still useful for you.
So if our relationships matter and one of the closest relationships to us is our partner, our intimate partner, why wouldn't we want to be thinking about the things that would bring us together? That's why we have three, as I mentioned, four actually, of the top folks on today's podcast sharing those tips from previous episodes. So we're going to go right into the first one, which comes from Drs.
John and Julie Gottman. speakers, researchers, therapists, OGs in this space. And what was unique about their approach is at a time when nobody was actually doing research on what solutions actually led to happier, long-lasting marriages, Drs. John and Julie Gottman started the Gottman Foundation. And in this next clip, they talk about a
seven-year-long study that they conducted that essentially found that a great way to destroy your relationships in life is to primarily focus on what's wrong instead of simply just celebrating what's right. But how do we do that? What's the practical way to do it? We're going to jump into this first clip where Drs.
John and Julie Gottman explain the how-to of how to actually do this process, which brings couples together.
One of the things that is kind of surprising in the research is when psychologists started developing couples therapies in the 1970s, they just assumed that unhappy couples weren't very nice to each other. But it turned out that they are quite often nice to each other, but their partner misses about 50% of that positivity if they're unhappily married.
So you don't have to get people to be more positive. You have to get them to notice the positivity that is there. And that requires a very different habit of mind. Instead of looking for your partner's mistakes... and correcting them, you look for what your partner is doing right and express gratefulness for what you see.
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Chapter 2: How can recognizing positive behavior improve relationships?
Find a time when you are just the two of you are relaxing, you're hanging out, maybe it's date night. And I always wanna say, you're not halt, you're not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Those are not the times to have any awkward or serious conversations. The tone is curious and open and supportive and loving and light. Maybe do some breath work beforehand.
You make sure that you're coming from a place of collaboration. And the turf for this conversation is outside the bedroom. I just would love people to consider your bedroom as a place for sleeping and for sex.
And it's not a place to have these conversations because often people think, well, we're having sex or something just happened awkward in the bedroom or I got rejected again when I made an advance and this would be the time to have it. I couldn't be further from the truth that a great time to have it is when you are perhaps out taking a walk.
You're not making eye contact, which can still be very awkward for people. Or you're on a road trip. Those are great times to have these conversations. Then that's when you would say, hey, let's talk about something that we haven't before. Let's talk about our intimate life.
Most people want to have a better sex life and they want to talk about their resentments. They want to talk about the stuff that's on their chest, but there's so much that's been built up that they don't even know how to get started.
or they feel like they've been placed on defense because of the wrong time, place, situation of somebody wanting to bring up the sensitive topic of wanting to improve their sex life. And I think another thing that you brought up, which was really key there, which is this curious attitude around it and not coming from a place of blaming your partner.
The Gottmans call it sometimes the soft starter, right? That you are coming in like, hey, listen, I don't know if this is something that you've been thinking about, but I gotta feel like it probably is too because you care about this relationship. Like it's coming in with so much benefit of the doubt that you're not immediately putting somebody on defense of, hey, why aren't we having more sex?
Or hey, why aren't you paying attention to my needs? Which immediately, you know, Byron Katie, if you're familiar with her work, she has this phrase, defense is the first act of war. When you come in hot and your partner is now on the defense, immediately that shuts down all action.
Absolutely. And this is exactly, this is exactly it that if your partner and they might, because going back to your question, I really want to unpack that. If they've stonewalled or they said, this is off limits, I am never talking about sex. And I'm telling you, I hear this all the time. I hear from the partner who's, you know, wants to talk and their partner is completely shut down.
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