Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
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What are the three super hacks for better relationships?
Hi everyone, Drew Perrault here. On today's episode, we have three incredible, I've used every single one of these in my own life and relationship. We have three incredible tips in detail from three, actually four of the world's top experts on relationship, connection, and intimacy. You guys have heard me talk about this before, but the longest running study from Harvard, which was like some 60, 70, 80 years, I don't have the notes in front of me, showed that human connection with the deepest relationships around us is directly connected to our happiness. our relationships are a huge part of our happiness. Now, of course, that includes friendships, our relationships with our children, our friend group, but it also includes our partnership, our wife, our husband, our boyfriend, our girlfriend, whatever it might be. And maybe some of you listening today are not in a relationship, but might want to be in a relationship one day. These tips are still useful for you.
So if our relationships matter and one of the closest relationships to us is our partner, our intimate partner, why wouldn't we want to be thinking about the things that would bring us together? That's why we have three, as I mentioned, four actually, of the top folks on today's podcast sharing those tips from previous episodes. So we're going to go right into the first one, which comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman. speakers, researchers, therapists, OGs in this space. And what was unique about their approach is at a time when nobody was actually doing research on what solutions actually led to happier, long-lasting marriages, Drs. John and Julie Gottman started the Gottman Foundation. And in this next clip, they talk about a
seven-year-long study that they conducted that essentially found that a great way to destroy your relationships in life is to primarily focus on what's wrong instead of simply just celebrating what's right. But how do we do that? What's the practical way to do it? We're going to jump into this first clip where Drs. John and Julie Gottman explain the how-to of how to actually do this process, which brings couples together.
One of the things that is kind of surprising in the research is when psychologists started developing couples therapies in the 1970s, they just assumed that unhappy couples weren't very nice to each other. But it turned out that they are quite often nice to each other, but their partner misses about 50% of that positivity if they're unhappily married. So you don't have to get people to be more positive. You have to get them to notice the positivity that is there. And that requires a very different habit of mind. Instead of looking for your partner's mistakes... and correcting them, you look for what your partner is doing right and express gratefulness for what you see.
And this is one of the first things you teach inside of the book and the making contact in the seven items that you have in there for the prescription of love. It's this idea towards turning towards your partner. Actually, you know what? Why don't you set it up? There's turning towards somebody, turning away from somebody. And how does that play into this idea of noticing your partner, acknowledging them and helping both people step into love?
Okay, so this came out of a seven year long study and it really took a long time to figure this one out because it was so subtle, but also so simple for all of us to do. So here's what it looks like. Let's say you're sitting in the living room and you happen to notice this beautiful blue jay out the window. You might say out loud, wow, look at that incredible bird.
It's just turquoise. It's so beautiful. Let me role play a response. So I can be so self-absorbed in what I'm reading, for example, that I just don't really pay attention to it. I don't respond at all. And that's... Turning away. Or I can respond irritably by saying... Something like, will you be quiet? I'm trying to read. Turn against. Ow. Or I can turn toward.
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