Dr. Julie Gottman

One of the things that is kind of surprising in the research is when psychologists started developing couples therapies in the 1970s, they just assumed that unhappy couples weren't very nice to each other. But it turned out that they are quite often nice to each other, but their partner misses about 50% of that positivity if they're unhappily married.

One of the things that is kind of surprising in the research is when psychologists started developing couples therapies in the 1970s, they just assumed that unhappy couples weren't very nice to each other. But it turned out that they are quite often nice to each other, but their partner misses about 50% of that positivity if they're unhappily married.

One of the things that is kind of surprising in the research is when psychologists started developing couples therapies in the 1970s, they just assumed that unhappy couples weren't very nice to each other. But it turned out that they are quite often nice to each other, but their partner misses about 50% of that positivity if they're unhappily married.

So you don't have to get people to be more positive. You have to get them to notice the positivity that is there. And that requires a very different habit of mind. Instead of looking for your partner's mistakes... and correcting them, you look for what your partner is doing right and express gratefulness for what you see.

So you don't have to get people to be more positive. You have to get them to notice the positivity that is there. And that requires a very different habit of mind. Instead of looking for your partner's mistakes... and correcting them, you look for what your partner is doing right and express gratefulness for what you see.

So you don't have to get people to be more positive. You have to get them to notice the positivity that is there. And that requires a very different habit of mind. Instead of looking for your partner's mistakes... and correcting them, you look for what your partner is doing right and express gratefulness for what you see.

It's just turquoise. It's so beautiful. Let me role play a response. So I can be so self-absorbed in what I'm reading, for example, that I just don't really pay attention to it. I don't respond at all. And that's... Turning away. Or I can respond irritably by saying... Something like, will you be quiet? I'm trying to read. Turn against. Ow. Or I can turn toward.

It's just turquoise. It's so beautiful. Let me role play a response. So I can be so self-absorbed in what I'm reading, for example, that I just don't really pay attention to it. I don't respond at all. And that's... Turning away. Or I can respond irritably by saying... Something like, will you be quiet? I'm trying to read. Turn against. Ow. Or I can turn toward.

It's just turquoise. It's so beautiful. Let me role play a response. So I can be so self-absorbed in what I'm reading, for example, that I just don't really pay attention to it. I don't respond at all. And that's... Turning away. Or I can respond irritably by saying... Something like, will you be quiet? I'm trying to read. Turn against. Ow. Or I can turn toward.

I can say, ah, yeah, beautiful bird.

I can say, ah, yeah, beautiful bird.

I can say, ah, yeah, beautiful bird.

Well, the other thing that was amazing about turning toward was that it discriminated the couples who had a sense of humor during conflict, could laugh at themselves and laugh together and reduce their physiological arousal. So if you turn toward a lot, you're kind of building an emotional bank account, a buffer.

Well, the other thing that was amazing about turning toward was that it discriminated the couples who had a sense of humor during conflict, could laugh at themselves and laugh together and reduce their physiological arousal. So if you turn toward a lot, you're kind of building an emotional bank account, a buffer.

Well, the other thing that was amazing about turning toward was that it discriminated the couples who had a sense of humor during conflict, could laugh at themselves and laugh together and reduce their physiological arousal. So if you turn toward a lot, you're kind of building an emotional bank account, a buffer.

And then when there's conflict, you actually, both of you are more affectionate and have more of a sense of humor during conflict. So turning toward is really powerful.

And then when there's conflict, you actually, both of you are more affectionate and have more of a sense of humor during conflict. So turning toward is really powerful.

And then when there's conflict, you actually, both of you are more affectionate and have more of a sense of humor during conflict. So turning toward is really powerful.

I've got another good example. So I remember one morning you said, I had a really disturbing dream last night. So that's a bid. And so if I said, oh, what did you dream? Tell me about it.

I've got another good example. So I remember one morning you said, I had a really disturbing dream last night. So that's a bid. And so if I said, oh, what did you dream? Tell me about it.