Dr. Julie Gottman
Appearances
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
One of the things that is kind of surprising in the research is when psychologists started developing couples therapies in the 1970s, they just assumed that unhappy couples weren't very nice to each other. But it turned out that they are quite often nice to each other, but their partner misses about 50% of that positivity if they're unhappily married.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
So you don't have to get people to be more positive. You have to get them to notice the positivity that is there. And that requires a very different habit of mind. Instead of looking for your partner's mistakes... and correcting them, you look for what your partner is doing right and express gratefulness for what you see.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
It's just turquoise. It's so beautiful. Let me role play a response. So I can be so self-absorbed in what I'm reading, for example, that I just don't really pay attention to it. I don't respond at all. And that's... Turning away. Or I can respond irritably by saying... Something like, will you be quiet? I'm trying to read. Turn against. Ow. Or I can turn toward.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I can say, ah, yeah, beautiful bird.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
Well, the other thing that was amazing about turning toward was that it discriminated the couples who had a sense of humor during conflict, could laugh at themselves and laugh together and reduce their physiological arousal. So if you turn toward a lot, you're kind of building an emotional bank account, a buffer.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
And then when there's conflict, you actually, both of you are more affectionate and have more of a sense of humor during conflict. So turning toward is really powerful.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
I've got another good example. So I remember one morning you said, I had a really disturbing dream last night. So that's a bid. And so if I said, oh, what did you dream? Tell me about it.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
that's turning toward now if you said well i dreamt about my mother and it was something very upsetting now i could say hmm okay interesting i go back to reading the newspaper as opposed to saying well tell me what happened with your mother what what did you dream you know i i'm i'm interested in exploring it i can see she's disturbed by the dream i see it as an opportunity for connecting
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
rather than just perfunctorily saying, oh, oh, that's interesting. Okay, and I go back to reading.
Dhru Purohit Show
Want a Better Relationship? Use These 3 Super Hacks to Improve Your Communication, Sex, and Intimacy
That happened yesterday.