Dr. Julie Gottman

And the need to be looked at with care, with love, with understanding, to be spoken to with respect, even admiration, none of us lose that.

We just add layers on top of it as we grow older.

But it's still inside there, and it can still get hit if somebody expresses contempt.

So here's how I would repair it.

Let's say he's just been contemptuous.

So, you know, John, there's no way that I can hear what you're saying right now.

Because I feel so insulted by what you're saying.

I don't know if that's your intention or not, but...

I feel like shrinking away.

I want to just disappear.

I don't want that.

Because it really, I feel really hurt by what you're saying.

So I wish you would flip what you just said on its head and tell me what you do want or you do like rather than

than this wave of negativity i'm getting i feel like i'm judging you big time yeah yeah okay that's what it looks like and when you get somebody that says i am judging you now you're like realizing okay okay well that's okay so let's say i am you know i'm just trying to give you feedback

Honey, the effect of the feedback and the way that you're giving it to me pushes me away.

It makes me want to run away from you because it hurts so much.

Feedback I can hear if you're telling me what you do want, not what you don't or what you don't like.

Good point.

Okay.

Let's see.