Dr. Julie Gottman

That's the situation.

And then your positive need.

Would you please pay the bills tonight?

Would you please clean up the kitchen after dinner?

Would you please make sure that the kids get home on time?

You know, etc.

So that's what we saw successful couples do.

when they were bringing up a complaint.

You know, this isn't something that just comes out of our brilliance and wisdom.

Forget that.

It comes from watching, you know, these 1,500 couples that were really successful and seeing what they did that worked and then translating that into an exercise we could do as well.

Well, first of all, you have to decide whether or not this person is right for you, right?

So you don't want to get the ball rolling with the wrong person.

So one of my favorite questions is if somebody's been in a bad relationship, asking them, so what happened?

What went wrong?

That's a really important question to ask.

Here's why.

If they say, well, you know, that person was just too immature for me.

Uh-oh, red flag, watch out.

They're not taking any responsibility themselves for what happened.