Dr. Julie Gottman
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Who's being kind?
Who's trying to make a repair if they said the wrong thing?
So that the other person doesn't get their feelings hurt.
Because we fight all the time.
We are human beings.
You know, one of the things, Mel, that I have really tried to understand since I was a kid is how come people are mean to each other?
Why is that?
What's evil?
What does that even mean?
What I've really understood from lots of archaeological reading and so on is that people have aggression.
They've also got altruism.
They can be very, very kind.
But all of us have those aggressive instincts inside of us.
So what happens with it?
Typically, it goes to the person that's closest to us because that person, we assume, is not going to abandon us, is not going to run away.
They're going to be there to listen to us.
And so we have personality differences from our partner.
Lifestyle preference, differences from our partner, everybody has those.
And 69% of the issues couples struggle with are perpetual conflicts.
They never, ever go away.