Dr. Julie Gottman

It keeps you more focused on kind of the cognitive element of what I'm saying as opposed to, did he?

Did she really say that?

Or for me, what it tells me is that, gosh, he's going to take me seriously, right?

He's not going to be thinking about, okay, when do I get the oil changed in the car?

I can tell that he's listening because he is taking notes.

And that's meaningful for me.

It helps me to feel his presence.

And it's a wonderful thing for all of you to do as well.

That's right.

Let me add also that this brilliant man over here created a fantastic system for codifying emotions.

That means looking at the face, looking at the movements of the body, looking at the words.

the tone of voice, the eye gaze, and assessing from that, what emotion is that individual feeling when they speak?

Then what's the other individual going to respond with?

What kind of feeling is that?

So we call that SPAF, specific affect, which means emotion, specific affect coding.

And

And that in itself tells us a huge amount about the dynamic.

Who's being belligerent?

Who's being domineering?

Who is being subordinate?