Dr. Julie Smith

I'm not doing it to gain friends.

I'm doing it to help some people.

And I had to keep coming back to that thread of, because it happens all the time, right?

You make a video and then, you know, my husband who kind of edits everything will go, oh, do you like this?

And as he's playing it back, what he wants me to do is read the captions to make sure there's no spelling mistakes or anything.

And I haven't even heard a word that's in the video because I'm looking at some bit of hair that's sticking out and, oh no, did I look like that?

Or, oh, my makeup's really terrible.

You know, and you're just fixating on these little things that...

um and you haven't kind of seen the so I spend very little time looking at that stuff I have to go with the sense of okay there was a reason behind the video if I know it has a thread of value that I know someone else has found helpful before that's enough it's got to go out there because I'm not here to be you know a model or a um perfect speaker or a you know I just got to get that message out yeah I mean looking even outside of making content for anyone who's listening to this who

families and not turn on yourself essentially yeah well it's interesting actually because there's quite there's a a nice bit of overlap between our books in a sense you've got that sort of personal experience and something i sort of talk about in in open when but also in in my first book is is this idea that when something like that happens the reason it stings so badly is

is often because it's triggering a memory of something that hurt really badly.

Things that we don't think about, memories we don't necessarily even have access to.

In childhood or just at any time?

Yeah, so we all have a core need to be connected.

to have that relationship with our caregivers, any sign that that is inconsistent or not reliable or not available or we're not reassured that it's going to continue to be available, so that can encompass a whole range of different childhood experiences, triggers off such a huge threat response in any child's mind.

that it becomes part of the template.

So in those early relationships, we develop those templates for what to expect from all future relationships.

And so anything that's painful is going to be laid down as a potential.

And so then we get into adulthood.

And even though logically we know better, and I could live without that person who's making those comments, but