Dr. Martha Beck

So I was born not just into a Mormon family, but a Mormon community where everyone shared the same beliefs. You didn't call people Mr. and Mrs. It was brother and sister, brother Smith, sister Smith. And I was told from very young, I mean, you're indoctrinated.

At 18 months, you start religious training and they tell you things like, you know, if men live well and they're part of the Mormon church, then when they die, they get their own planet and all the women they want. And it's like, all right, like you're three years old. What do you know, right?

At 18 months, you start religious training and they tell you things like, you know, if men live well and they're part of the Mormon church, then when they die, they get their own planet and all the women they want. And it's like, all right, like you're three years old. What do you know, right?

And Jesus is going to come over the mountains, and all the graves are going to fly open, and all the bodies, the literal bodies of all the dead people are going to rise up out and go join Jesus. which is why we don't cremate bodies. We bury them because they're going to come back to life.

And Jesus is going to come over the mountains, and all the graves are going to fly open, and all the bodies, the literal bodies of all the dead people are going to rise up out and go join Jesus. which is why we don't cremate bodies. We bury them because they're going to come back to life.

And I would have nightmares of Jesus coming over the mountains, the graves flying open, all the people around me are rising up. And I would run. As a little kid, this happened over and over again, this dream where I was trying to jump high enough to go with the people who were being saved, and I couldn't do it. I just kept coming back down. So I lived in

And I would have nightmares of Jesus coming over the mountains, the graves flying open, all the people around me are rising up. And I would run. As a little kid, this happened over and over again, this dream where I was trying to jump high enough to go with the people who were being saved, and I couldn't do it. I just kept coming back down. So I lived in

absolute terror all the time and i also didn't know what was real because none of it nothing felt real so that was it's very disconcerting but because i'd never had any other experience i just thought well this is life so that was rough and at 28 years old you realized that you'd been sexually assaulted as a child Yeah, I think I had hints of it.

absolute terror all the time and i also didn't know what was real because none of it nothing felt real so that was it's very disconcerting but because i'd never had any other experience i just thought well this is life so that was rough and at 28 years old you realized that you'd been sexually assaulted as a child Yeah, I think I had hints of it.

Actually, friends told me that I had told them about it in high school, and I don't remember telling them. So I had pretty much repressed it. My father was a very, very renowned scholarly defender of Mormonism. His job was to take the claims of the doctrine and validate them you know, academically.

Actually, friends told me that I had told them about it in high school, and I don't remember telling them. So I had pretty much repressed it. My father was a very, very renowned scholarly defender of Mormonism. His job was to take the claims of the doctrine and validate them you know, academically.

But in order to do that, I talked to many people who—he had five people working with him to help him translate various documents of different languages. And they said he would just make things up and put them as footnotes in different languages so no one was likely to check them. And it was called Lying for the Lord. Which is so weird.

But in order to do that, I talked to many people who—he had five people working with him to help him translate various documents of different languages. And they said he would just make things up and put them as footnotes in different languages so no one was likely to check them. And it was called Lying for the Lord. Which is so weird.

I mean, it means you have a God who's fundamentally interested in helping people be like God by lying. So yeah, I was twisted in knots when I was little. And then I think it twisted my father into knots as well. And I do have memories and a lot of physical scarring from sexual abuse that sort of blew up into my consciousness right after I had the light experience that came to me in surgery.

I mean, it means you have a God who's fundamentally interested in helping people be like God by lying. So yeah, I was twisted in knots when I was little. And then I think it twisted my father into knots as well. And I do have memories and a lot of physical scarring from sexual abuse that sort of blew up into my consciousness right after I had the light experience that came to me in surgery.

And it actually told me during the surgery, you're about to go through something very, very difficult. But I've always been with you and I'll always be with you. Never forget that. And that's why I decided not to lie anymore. And that's why when I started having these memories, it didn't matter because...

And it actually told me during the surgery, you're about to go through something very, very difficult. But I've always been with you and I'll always be with you. Never forget that. And that's why I decided not to lie anymore. And that's why when I started having these memories, it didn't matter because...

Because connection with that light and never forgetting it was the realest, maybe the only absolutely true thing that had ever happened to me. And I was not leaving again.

Because connection with that light and never forgetting it was the realest, maybe the only absolutely true thing that had ever happened to me. And I was not leaving again.

Yes. Yeah.