Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor

When you fall in love with your baby or you fall in love with the person who becomes your spouse, that bond that gets created between the two of you when you form an us, it comes with this implicit belief. I will always be there for you. You will always be there for me. And time and distance will not change that. If you are gone, it just means I have to go find you.

And so now we have this unique and terrible circumstance of death. where when we have a living loved one, the correct response to absence is to think about them more, to put more energy into going to find them or making more noise so they come and find you.

And so now we have this unique and terrible circumstance of death. where when we have a living loved one, the correct response to absence is to think about them more, to put more energy into going to find them or making more noise so they come and find you.

And so now we have this unique and terrible circumstance of death. where when we have a living loved one, the correct response to absence is to think about them more, to put more energy into going to find them or making more noise so they come and find you.

But in death, suddenly we have this circumstance that the brain is really going to struggle to wrap itself around, which is the idea that I'm not going to find you no matter how much effort I put in. I think of this as the gone but also everlasting theory, right? So, of course, we know that they are gone. We know that they've died.

But in death, suddenly we have this circumstance that the brain is really going to struggle to wrap itself around, which is the idea that I'm not going to find you no matter how much effort I put in. I think of this as the gone but also everlasting theory, right? So, of course, we know that they are gone. We know that they've died.

But in death, suddenly we have this circumstance that the brain is really going to struggle to wrap itself around, which is the idea that I'm not going to find you no matter how much effort I put in. I think of this as the gone but also everlasting theory, right? So, of course, we know that they are gone. We know that they've died.

We have a memory of being at their bedside maybe or getting that phone call or being at the funeral or whatever it is in our memory. We have it recorded. We know that they're gone. But the attachment neurobiology means there's also this implicit belief, but maybe they're out there, right? And those two things, those two streams of information, they're gone, they're everlasting, can't both be true.

We have a memory of being at their bedside maybe or getting that phone call or being at the funeral or whatever it is in our memory. We have it recorded. We know that they're gone. But the attachment neurobiology means there's also this implicit belief, but maybe they're out there, right? And those two things, those two streams of information, they're gone, they're everlasting, can't both be true.

We have a memory of being at their bedside maybe or getting that phone call or being at the funeral or whatever it is in our memory. We have it recorded. We know that they're gone. But the attachment neurobiology means there's also this implicit belief, but maybe they're out there, right? And those two things, those two streams of information, they're gone, they're everlasting, can't both be true.

And when we become aware, when we have that moment where we recognize those are in conflict, we have a wave of grief.

And when we become aware, when we have that moment where we recognize those are in conflict, we have a wave of grief.

And when we become aware, when we have that moment where we recognize those are in conflict, we have a wave of grief.

I think there's a couple things there that I highlight. We can think about something being stressful and we can think about grieving for it, and those might be slightly different, but we can get there.

I think there's a couple things there that I highlight. We can think about something being stressful and we can think about grieving for it, and those might be slightly different, but we can get there.

I think there's a couple things there that I highlight. We can think about something being stressful and we can think about grieving for it, and those might be slightly different, but we can get there.

But what I would say most directly to your question is, yes, it is true that sudden losses are harder for us to learn, to understand what's happened, because we don't even have sort of a conscious understanding You know, we've never run the scenario sort of through our mind. So, of course, it's more difficult for us to now imagine it. But there's something there's more to it than that.

But what I would say most directly to your question is, yes, it is true that sudden losses are harder for us to learn, to understand what's happened, because we don't even have sort of a conscious understanding You know, we've never run the scenario sort of through our mind. So, of course, it's more difficult for us to now imagine it. But there's something there's more to it than that.

But what I would say most directly to your question is, yes, it is true that sudden losses are harder for us to learn, to understand what's happened, because we don't even have sort of a conscious understanding You know, we've never run the scenario sort of through our mind. So, of course, it's more difficult for us to now imagine it. But there's something there's more to it than that.

So we do know, for example, having closure conversations with someone who's in hospice care. These are helpful, actually, after the loss because we can reflect on getting to say, I love you and thank you and I forgive you. Please forgive me to say goodbye. We know that having that conscious process is helpful later on as we're reflecting on the loss.