Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor

Now, my friends, you know, in our 40s, suddenly my friends seemed really accepting of their mothers, like their relationships with their mothers improved. They were like, well, I understand why she did the thing she did or now I'm so grateful for blah, blah, blah. And I had a whole lot of grief because I didn't get to do that. I didn't get to have that transformation of our relationship.

And then I realized, wait a minute, I can still have all those thoughts. I can look in the mirror now because I look a lot like her. I can look in the mirror now and be like, I'm doing this for you, Mama. Or, you know, it's not the way I would have done things. But I get that you had a reason now. And forgive her.

And then I realized, wait a minute, I can still have all those thoughts. I can look in the mirror now because I look a lot like her. I can look in the mirror now and be like, I'm doing this for you, Mama. Or, you know, it's not the way I would have done things. But I get that you had a reason now. And forgive her.

And then I realized, wait a minute, I can still have all those thoughts. I can look in the mirror now because I look a lot like her. I can look in the mirror now and be like, I'm doing this for you, Mama. Or, you know, it's not the way I would have done things. But I get that you had a reason now. And forgive her.

And doing that with the internal representation matters to how I function in my day-to-day life now. But it has nothing to do with letting go. Do you see what I mean? You can still adapt to a world where the person is gone and that is incredibly painful and also painful. They live on because they are deeply encoded in your brain. You cannot get rid of them.

And doing that with the internal representation matters to how I function in my day-to-day life now. But it has nothing to do with letting go. Do you see what I mean? You can still adapt to a world where the person is gone and that is incredibly painful and also painful. They live on because they are deeply encoded in your brain. You cannot get rid of them.

And doing that with the internal representation matters to how I function in my day-to-day life now. But it has nothing to do with letting go. Do you see what I mean? You can still adapt to a world where the person is gone and that is incredibly painful and also painful. They live on because they are deeply encoded in your brain. You cannot get rid of them.

They are there with you, physiologically with you. And you can work with that relationship now as well. so that I can spend time with my living loved ones. I don't spend a lot of time feeling guilty about how I handled her death or something like that. I'm busy living my life now because I've integrated my relationship with her. Does that make sense?

They are there with you, physiologically with you. And you can work with that relationship now as well. so that I can spend time with my living loved ones. I don't spend a lot of time feeling guilty about how I handled her death or something like that. I'm busy living my life now because I've integrated my relationship with her. Does that make sense?

They are there with you, physiologically with you. And you can work with that relationship now as well. so that I can spend time with my living loved ones. I don't spend a lot of time feeling guilty about how I handled her death or something like that. I'm busy living my life now because I've integrated my relationship with her. Does that make sense?

It's the hallmark of grieving is yearning, pining, right? These are other words for wanting, aren't they? And that dopamine – I've heard it described as dopamine and the reward system is really how much effort would you put in to get this thing you want, right? How much effort would you put in? How much effort would you put in to see your loved one again, right? One more time.

It's the hallmark of grieving is yearning, pining, right? These are other words for wanting, aren't they? And that dopamine – I've heard it described as dopamine and the reward system is really how much effort would you put in to get this thing you want, right? How much effort would you put in? How much effort would you put in to see your loved one again, right? One more time.

It's the hallmark of grieving is yearning, pining, right? These are other words for wanting, aren't they? And that dopamine – I've heard it described as dopamine and the reward system is really how much effort would you put in to get this thing you want, right? How much effort would you put in? How much effort would you put in to see your loved one again, right? One more time.

And what that tells me – and really this came from the neuroscience – I said earlier that you could think of stress and grief as somewhat distinct. We used to think of the loss of a loved one as sort of like you can imagine you have a plate, right? You've got all the things heaped on your plate you have to deal with. You've got getting the kids to school. You've got your boss.

And what that tells me – and really this came from the neuroscience – I said earlier that you could think of stress and grief as somewhat distinct. We used to think of the loss of a loved one as sort of like you can imagine you have a plate, right? You've got all the things heaped on your plate you have to deal with. You've got getting the kids to school. You've got your boss.

And what that tells me – and really this came from the neuroscience – I said earlier that you could think of stress and grief as somewhat distinct. We used to think of the loss of a loved one as sort of like you can imagine you have a plate, right? You've got all the things heaped on your plate you have to deal with. You've got getting the kids to school. You've got your boss.

You've got blah, blah, blah. And now you've got this another thing heaped onto your plate. You have the loss of your spouse or the loss of your sister. That is one way to think about it. And in our peripheral physiology, a lot of the ways we respond look like a stress response. So that makes sense. That was a good way to think about it in the 80s and early 90s.

You've got blah, blah, blah. And now you've got this another thing heaped onto your plate. You have the loss of your spouse or the loss of your sister. That is one way to think about it. And in our peripheral physiology, a lot of the ways we respond look like a stress response. So that makes sense. That was a good way to think about it in the 80s and early 90s.

You've got blah, blah, blah. And now you've got this another thing heaped onto your plate. You have the loss of your spouse or the loss of your sister. That is one way to think about it. And in our peripheral physiology, a lot of the ways we respond look like a stress response. So that makes sense. That was a good way to think about it in the 80s and early 90s.

But the neuroimaging research, when we asked people, tell me how much you're yearning for your loved one. And then we put them in the scanner and we showed them photos of their loved one. compared those to them looking at a stranger. So what part is unique? Not looking at a person, but looking at your person that you're yearning for.