Dr. Nicole LePera

And the reason why I had to begin a book on individual development, so to speak, with a relational stance was because as children, we are, if not the only, perhaps I think we are the only, right?

We are born so underdeveloped, meaning we can't survive.

A human infant can't survive on its own.

It needs some version of care from someone else to feed it, to soothe it, to be there in care of its physiological existence.

So

From that point of need, survival need, we are so attuned to the environment around us and we adapt based on one particular question, right?

What happens?

Is someone available for me to meet my needs and when I need comfort or connection?

What happens when I reach for that?

And so to simplify what attachment, right, theory and our attachment dynamics and labels really are saying is if care was consistent, right, if someone was physically present, though also emotionally attuned and present to help support us through stressful moments, big moments, our body, right, will learn that closeness is safe, will become, I've yet to really meet very,

Many people that are securely attached.

Right.

But that will become our blueprint then, so to speak, for relating to others.

I think the larger category that most of us fall in, myself included, is if that care was inconsistent or overwhelming.

Right.

My body is going to learn a completely different message.

It's going to learn to cling to the little possible connection that was there.

My in learning, oh, performance creates connection, so I'm going to cling to performance.

And then any version of negative feedback is going to feel so overwhelming, even if it's mild, helpful criticism, because I only know myself in this one way.

Or, right, we'll brace, we'll pull away the prototypical avoidant, right?