Dr. Robin Stern

Yeah, exactly. Because it's really important that he never gets upset because when he gets upset, he tells you there's something wrong with you.

Yeah, exactly. Because it's really important that he never gets upset because when he gets upset, he tells you there's something wrong with you.

Yeah, exactly. Because it's really important that he never gets upset because when he gets upset, he tells you there's something wrong with you.

a woman came to therapy and said to me, my boyfriend told me that if, when we walked down the street, he liked me to look down at the pavement, because if I look at the pavement, then I won't be flirting with anyone else. And I don't really think I'm flirting with people, but like now when we go into a restaurant, I always take the chair facing the wall. And when I'm walking down the street,

a woman came to therapy and said to me, my boyfriend told me that if, when we walked down the street, he liked me to look down at the pavement, because if I look at the pavement, then I won't be flirting with anyone else. And I don't really think I'm flirting with people, but like now when we go into a restaurant, I always take the chair facing the wall. And when I'm walking down the street,

a woman came to therapy and said to me, my boyfriend told me that if, when we walked down the street, he liked me to look down at the pavement, because if I look at the pavement, then I won't be flirting with anyone else. And I don't really think I'm flirting with people, but like now when we go into a restaurant, I always take the chair facing the wall. And when I'm walking down the street,

He asked me to do that. And what do you think? And it was very hard. And I can tell by your facial expressions that you get that it was very hard for this woman because it's true that if she looked at the pavement, that gaslighting wouldn't happen because he would never be triggered because she'd never do anything because she'd always be joined with him.

He asked me to do that. And what do you think? And it was very hard. And I can tell by your facial expressions that you get that it was very hard for this woman because it's true that if she looked at the pavement, that gaslighting wouldn't happen because he would never be triggered because she'd never do anything because she'd always be joined with him.

He asked me to do that. And what do you think? And it was very hard. And I can tell by your facial expressions that you get that it was very hard for this woman because it's true that if she looked at the pavement, that gaslighting wouldn't happen because he would never be triggered because she'd never do anything because she'd always be joined with him.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

But you're asking two different questions. One is like, do you have responsibility in getting into it? And then the second is, do you have agency to get out, right? So when I say you need to be willing to, You're complicit and it's not victim blaming. I mean, those of us who have been targeted did not wake up one morning and say, you know, this sounds like a good idea.

But you're asking two different questions. One is like, do you have responsibility in getting into it? And then the second is, do you have agency to get out, right? So when I say you need to be willing to, You're complicit and it's not victim blaming. I mean, those of us who have been targeted did not wake up one morning and say, you know, this sounds like a good idea.

But you're asking two different questions. One is like, do you have responsibility in getting into it? And then the second is, do you have agency to get out, right? So when I say you need to be willing to, You're complicit and it's not victim blaming. I mean, those of us who have been targeted did not wake up one morning and say, you know, this sounds like a good idea.

I think that like I'll look for a gaslighting relationship and I'll be open to it. No. But when what's most important happens, is to preserve the relationship.

I think that like I'll look for a gaslighting relationship and I'll be open to it. No. But when what's most important happens, is to preserve the relationship.

I think that like I'll look for a gaslighting relationship and I'll be open to it. No. But when what's most important happens, is to preserve the relationship.

When what's most important is to mirror this guy so he feels like you're empathic with him, so he's not gonna be angry at you and use the emotional apocalypse of threatening you or blaming you, criticizing you, then that allows you to walk into the dance. It allows you to say, well, tell me what I'm doing. Like, I won't do it again. Which you might've come to that conclusion anyway.

When what's most important is to mirror this guy so he feels like you're empathic with him, so he's not gonna be angry at you and use the emotional apocalypse of threatening you or blaming you, criticizing you, then that allows you to walk into the dance. It allows you to say, well, tell me what I'm doing. Like, I won't do it again. Which you might've come to that conclusion anyway.