Dr Sally Holloway
Appearances
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
I just realised after I said that, he's from Derby. Sorry. LAUGHTER
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
It's a key vehicle for wooing. You know, it's men are showing off their literary skill, their education, their verbal agility. But it's all really underpinned by the cult of sensibility, which sort of emerged around the 1720s or 30s and peaked around 1770s, 80s. He's showing that he's romantic. He's in touch. He's a person of feeling.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Yeah, I mean, of course there were. You know, we do have evidence of really enormously intense romantic relationships between same-sex couples in this period. So one example is the American schoolteacher Charity Bryant. She was a tailor as well, and she exchanged all sorts of poems and acrostics with women that she was interested in.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
And they also exchanged accessories, things like jewellery, like hairpins and And they used rings to signify a lifelong commitment as well. And we have, you know, examples in England too. So the Yorkshire heiress Anne Lister is the most famous one. You know, she's often described as the first modern lesbian. In 1821, she gave her partner Marianne Lawton a gold ring. Wow. This is my favourite bit.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
She turned Marianne's wedding ring from her husband on her finger. So it was already on there, but Anne turned it round. In order to make this new promise of marriage over the top of the one that she'd already made. Wow.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So it's interesting because you can see that in some cases they're appropriating these rituals used by straight couples like the exchange of a ring to form a marriage, even if it didn't have the same sort of legal backing.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
But I mean, the evidence is much more difficult to find because, you know, so often the letters were destroyed and they're obviously not going to be shared around family and friends in the same way as the ones that we've been talking about. And often we do have to rely on evidence in a legal context. So things like trials for assault or indecency between men.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
But yeah, couples did exchange letters and they did exchange tokens and they did use these in similar ways to build really intense relationships.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Yeah, I mean, one recourse that she would have had, Lydia, say she became pregnant and then she thought they were about to get married and then he deserted her. She could sue him for breach of promise, for financial damages for her hurt. And it was aggravated by factors like pregnancy. He still wouldn't have to marry her, though. So she'd still be... Well, sometimes juries could order...
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
enormous damages in the hope that that would make them conduce him to offer his hand because he'd think oh my god i'm about to be utterly utterly ruined unless we get married which is a great way to start any union absolutely brilliant forced by a jury of your peers uh it was that or bankruptcy so i thought my darling my dearest darling p.s i will marry you
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
He'd breached his contract to marry. Therefore, she could sue him for damages, but also for her hurt feelings. Wow.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
It shows sort of in one sense, the courts are sort of tipping the balance of power towards women. You did have that legal recourse if you needed it. But also it was because of this presumption that women suffered much more than men suffered. From romantic hurt.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So men in many ways were expected to get over it, whereas women often biologically incapable of getting over it in some ways in popular culture because they were so much more sensitive and consumed with feeling.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
No, it's a bit more under the radar, a bit more just you, a few friends, your parents maybe. Might buy some new clothes, didn't have to. And if you did, you wouldn't just wear it once, you'd then continue wearing it afterwards. But you might wear silver and white, especially if you're very wealthy towards the end of the century.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
But yeah, it wasn't until the Victorians you had this big white wedding.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
You might have a little honeymoon, but it wouldn't necessarily be on your own. The bride's sister often went with her. Oh, nice. Oh, lovely. Just to help sort of ease her into this new role as a wife.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
It was quite a shock to the system, I think, for a lot of people being completely on your own with a partner when you'd only just married them and, you know, you've got a new family, new life, new household. If you think like Mr and Mrs Rushworth in Mansfield Park, they go on a little honeymoon to Brighton, but her sister's there too. Well, that makes sense.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Okay. I think the key thing to remember about marriage in Georgian England was that for the vast majority of people, there was no way out of it. So that's why it was so important to make a prudent choice that was informed both by sentiment and by pragmatism.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So one account of a wedding that was sent from a woman to her friend in the 1770s that I found, she described it as the indissolvable knot which nothing but death can sunder. Yeah. which is actually really foreboding.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
You know, the real danger of matches that were driven too much by lust, like with Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, is that they fizzled out and then you were stuck for the rest of your life tolerating someone with whom you were just fundamentally incompatible. Marriage also completely changed the balance of power between men and women.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So during courtship, women were thought to have the upper hand as they sat in judgment of suitors who tried to woo them with letters and gifts. But once the knot was tied, women were then in a much more subordinate position to the patriarch and the head of the household.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
And some complained in their diaries that they were cajoled by degrees to lose their liberty during courtship until they had nothing to do but quietly submit. So actually finding a match that ticked all of those boxes, love, rank, religion, similar disposition, comparable fortune, similar age, someone who could make you happy, the stakes had never been higher.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So Georgian Britain, it's the period from about 1714 to 1830. It's when it's ruled by the Hanoverian kings, George I, II, III, IV. And we commonly refer to the era generally as the long 18th century. So it's a time of massive social and cultural change. And we're going to be talking about the typical journey that a so-called ordinary person might go on as they search for a spouse.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
I think actually it's a lot more about romantic love than you think. So like, yes, it is important to make a strategic match, but a strategic match with someone who you were in love with. This whole ideology of love became much, much more important during the 18th century. particularly for middling and genteel people like Mr Barnaby Sykes.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
People like that would have found that love was being celebrated right across culture. You know, in the novels they read, in the poetry they read, in the art they saw, in philosophy. And it wasn't this sort of frothy idea, but actually something that was really important in revealing your morality and your refinement as a civilised person. Oh, that's interesting.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
That's a pretty good guess. Yeah, I mean, women were typically, you know, 23, 24. Men were mid-20s, maybe 26, 27, 28.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Middling and genteel people, family and friends were really important. And you might meet someone at one of their houses, you know, in a group of friends that you were all going to the theatre together. Card party?
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
card parties yeah gaming or visits for tea or cake or dinner or you might meet people walking to church and back or if you were much poorer you might meet someone at a fair it wasn't completely calculated but it also doesn't mean that you could do anything you wanted for love you were just sort of gently shepherded into the right direction
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So much walking, walking out in public squares, walking through town, walking around in front of other people.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
And everybody saw me out walking with Barnaby Sykes. There's no point walking with Barnaby Sykes if no one can see you doing it. Oh, my God.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
He might sort of open it by offering her some gifts to see how interested she is and how well they're received.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
I want to know what's been turned out my door. Well, I've studied one guy who he offers this woman sweets and she accepts them. But then the next day she puts her head down and walks past him on the other side of the street. Oh, it wasn't a successful offering.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Only once you're much further in. So you'd open with something quite cheap, like a ribbon. Oh. And then escalate towards the end, offering things like rings and jewellery.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Yes, that sort of thing. But building up to hopefully like emeralds, basically. The things that you selected varied massively according to social class. So if you were poorer, you might gift things that you could collect for free, like posies of flowers that you collect from a meadow, coins that you'd engraved by hand.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
You'd smooth it to a blank face and then engrave, you know, someone's initials on it.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
That's really creepy, the coin. And then stay busks. You'd insert a stay busk down the front of your corset. They'd be engraved with things like hearts and flowers and initials.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
And sometimes some of them have little secret compartments in the back that you could unscrew and put a lock of your hair, bringing the two bodies together, the body of the woman who wears it and the body of the man whose hair is in it.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
People hold hands and, you know, women in their diaries talk about sneaking off to a back room for kisses with men.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Why is it crying diamonds? It's a woman's eye and it's about the purity of her love.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Yeah, people kiss their love letters. They kiss their gifts. They kissed, you know, lips in pictures like this. It's all about creating that feeling of being together and creating an emotional bond at a distance, at a time when you couldn't just send someone a text.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Yeah. Once a couple embarked on a romantic correspondence, that was a sure sign that they were on the road to an engagement. You didn't just correspond with anybody in that vein. And some dads wouldn't let men correspond with their daughters until they had proven to them that they had the means to marry.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
I thought the letters were like casual. It was like the opposite. It was serious. And women in these letters, they described how hesitant they were to start this correspondence because they knew the degree of commitment that it entailed. So a lot of it is women saying, oh, I'm not sure about this.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
So letter writing is becoming this really, really important way of forming a person's identity and formulating their feelings. And the letters could be sent much, much more quickly because of the professionalisation of the postal system and improvement of the country's road networks. So it's becoming more immediate and more intimate.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
The letter itself was a really important sort of gift, just like the tokens we've been talking about. So It had to be written on really good quality paper, so it might be gilded with a little gold leaf around the edges, be several pages in length. With loads of postscripts at the end. So at the end of them, it often says, you know, PS1, PS2, PS3, PS4, PS5.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Because you want to give this impression that you just can't tear yourself away from the page. You hang up. No, you hang up. No, you hang up.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
Oh my God, that's so interesting. The time you're putting into this letter is the time that you're putting into your lover. It's a material device, you know, through which you're building this relationship.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
I mean, to some extent it comes from literature. So, I mean, if you were very devout, people made a lot of references to the Bible, Book of Common Prayer, things like Paradise Lost. That was a way to show their piety and perhaps, you know, have a few theological debates with your lover, you know. LAUGHTER
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
It's showing you're clever, you know, it's showing your wit and your skill and your education. You're having these debates in writing. It's showing are you literally on the same page with this person or not? You know, are you compatible with them or not?
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
That's why you're going more in code through the gifts. You can't spell it out in writing because everyone's reading your letters. Right, yeah. As a woman, your friends would read a man's letters, your mum might read them, your aunties might read them, and then they might help you write the response as well. Wow. And then often you'd send it unsealed. So this was before people used envelopes.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
You'd send it not sealed. So then again, everyone could open it and read it all through.
You're Dead to Me
Georgian Courtship (Radio Edit)
People said things in their letters like, oh, I've got so much to say to you, but, you know, perhaps I'll save it for when we're in person because they didn't want to write it down because everyone's going to, you know, don't want everyone else to read it.