Eleanor

Hey there. Ultimately, my question for you, Dr. John, is I find myself, I'm pregnant for a third time with a third baby girl. So I currently have two girls and a third one's on the way. And ultimately, that's been a harsh reality to accept. I wouldn't even say accept as fully in my vocabulary yet. In a preface to this discussion, I did want to say I recognize

Hey there. Ultimately, my question for you, Dr. John, is I find myself, I'm pregnant for a third time with a third baby girl. So I currently have two girls and a third one's on the way. And ultimately, that's been a harsh reality to accept. I wouldn't even say accept as fully in my vocabulary yet. In a preface to this discussion, I did want to say I recognize

That's how lucky I am to be struggling with this exact situation because I know so many are not, would be counting their lucky stars to be in my exact situation.

That's how lucky I am to be struggling with this exact situation because I know so many are not, would be counting their lucky stars to be in my exact situation.

Yeah, and that's what I have to tell people.

Yeah, and that's what I have to tell people.

I'm going to apologize because I'm going to be teary-eyed.

I'm going to apologize because I'm going to be teary-eyed.

You're going to hear it, I'm sure. I don't have easy pregnancies, and we have really, really challenging newborn phases. All of my children... So far and projected by professionals, we'll be born with something called severe infantile reflux, which is just acid reflux for you and me can be deadly in an infant.

You're going to hear it, I'm sure. I don't have easy pregnancies, and we have really, really challenging newborn phases. All of my children... So far and projected by professionals, we'll be born with something called severe infantile reflux, which is just acid reflux for you and me can be deadly in an infant.

And so first baby was almost admitted to the NICU as like a four-month-old to have a feeding tube. And the choice to have another child... comes with an incredible weight of six months of just really intense colic medical appointments. And it's something they'll grow out of, but it's a very, very intense newborn period, as it is with anybody, but just an extra layer of it.

And so first baby was almost admitted to the NICU as like a four-month-old to have a feeding tube. And the choice to have another child... comes with an incredible weight of six months of just really intense colic medical appointments. And it's something they'll grow out of, but it's a very, very intense newborn period, as it is with anybody, but just an extra layer of it.

And so I think the disappointment is that I had even told my husband years ago, I want two children and I'm done. And we didn't even find out the gender of our second child until she was born because I was so dead set on having two. And there was just a deep gut-wrenching that was, I'm not done yet. My family's not done yet. And this hope of, please let us have a chance to have a boy again.

And so I think the disappointment is that I had even told my husband years ago, I want two children and I'm done. And we didn't even find out the gender of our second child until she was born because I was so dead set on having two. And there was just a deep gut-wrenching that was, I'm not done yet. My family's not done yet. And this hope of, please let us have a chance to have a boy again.

Always, yes.

Always, yes.

Yeah, the newborn period that God had for us was way worse than anybody could have ever described. Sure. But... they grow through it. Thank God they grow through it.

Yeah, the newborn period that God had for us was way worse than anybody could have ever described. Sure. But... they grow through it. Thank God they grow through it.

Yeah. Basically. And I just felt like I'm very faithful person. I felt like, um, My prayers are, God, if I take this chance again, please let our family grow to what we have pictured. And I also have just the most wonderful husband. I pray that any young woman that's searching finds a guy like mine one day. I'm so freaking lucky.

Yeah. Basically. And I just felt like I'm very faithful person. I felt like, um, My prayers are, God, if I take this chance again, please let our family grow to what we have pictured. And I also have just the most wonderful husband. I pray that any young woman that's searching finds a guy like mine one day. I'm so freaking lucky.

And to not see him get the chance to pass that on to his own little boy... cripples me um and I think that's just so what I would tell you is you've got permission to be sad

And to not see him get the chance to pass that on to his own little boy... cripples me um and I think that's just so what I would tell you is you've got permission to be sad

Yeah. Yeah. I know people are going to be born into a family where they're not. That's not.

Yeah. Yeah. I know people are going to be born into a family where they're not. That's not.

You're going to be a great mom. Absolutely. It's just, there's also this, this heartache that I can't, I have found. And this is through my PPD, you know, my postpartum depression experience was the more I pretend everything's okay, the harder it becomes for it to not be okay and to actually heal through it. That's right.

You're going to be a great mom. Absolutely. It's just, there's also this, this heartache that I can't, I have found. And this is through my PPD, you know, my postpartum depression experience was the more I pretend everything's okay, the harder it becomes for it to not be okay and to actually heal through it. That's right.

So this is the first time I'm actually taking a socially unacceptable thing to say. It's like, I'm not excited about having another baby girl. I'm not.

So this is the first time I'm actually taking a socially unacceptable thing to say. It's like, I'm not excited about having another baby girl. I'm not.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No. And that's part of, I have. Did you already have a name for that little boy? Yeah.

No. And that's part of, I have. Did you already have a name for that little boy? Yeah.

I don't want to say it because I don't want to have to keep crying that I don't get to use it.

I don't want to say it because I don't want to have to keep crying that I don't get to use it.

Well, and that's something that happens.

Well, and that's something that happens.

I don't know if your wife experienced this. Each of my pregnancies, I had very vivid dreams. Of course. Of, you know, the gender of baby I was holding. That's right. I could see their face, and it felt so real. And that's... I actually... I was convinced I was pregnant with a boy. I think that's another layer of all this. It feels like I have lost a person because it was so clear.

I don't know if your wife experienced this. Each of my pregnancies, I had very vivid dreams. Of course. Of, you know, the gender of baby I was holding. That's right. I could see their face, and it felt so real. And that's... I actually... I was convinced I was pregnant with a boy. I think that's another layer of all this. It feels like I have lost a person because it was so clear.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah. And I think that's ultimately why I called you is that... I knew that the weight of what I'm feeling is too heavy for the phase of, I don't have a propensity to postpartum depression. It's like, I can't be wrestling with all this biochemistry that's about to come.

Yeah. And I think that's ultimately why I called you is that... I knew that the weight of what I'm feeling is too heavy for the phase of, I don't have a propensity to postpartum depression. It's like, I can't be wrestling with all this biochemistry that's about to come.

A couple.

A couple.

I hear you. This is my hesitation towards what you're asking me. And there's other people that probably are in the same shoe that need to hear your answer. I psychologically have been through a battlefield in the last year. If I were to ask for support from friends in that way, what ends up happening is the minefield that I open up chases people away because it's just too heavy.

I hear you. This is my hesitation towards what you're asking me. And there's other people that probably are in the same shoe that need to hear your answer. I psychologically have been through a battlefield in the last year. If I were to ask for support from friends in that way, what ends up happening is the minefield that I open up chases people away because it's just too heavy.

It's chased a few people away that were my support, because the friendship landscape has changed recently.

It's chased a few people away that were my support, because the friendship landscape has changed recently.

The burden, yeah.

The burden, yeah.

I do, because I was doing those things that you're saying, and I was... reaching out in these friendships. And so now I'm at this weird place where I have to be very trepidatious about what I share.

I do, because I was doing those things that you're saying, and I was... reaching out in these friendships. And so now I'm at this weird place where I have to be very trepidatious about what I share.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I've tried everything I know to do. Okay. It's, we're in, Sorry, let me back it up. We're an ex-military family. So we're new-ish to an area. And when you don't have deep roots somewhere, those connections to just be able to call somebody and pull that trigger to get the help, it's not always an easy thing.

I think I've tried everything I know to do. Okay. It's, we're in, Sorry, let me back it up. We're an ex-military family. So we're new-ish to an area. And when you don't have deep roots somewhere, those connections to just be able to call somebody and pull that trigger to get the help, it's not always an easy thing.

It's tough. And it's not that I'm unwilling. I'm absolutely willing.

It's tough. And it's not that I'm unwilling. I'm absolutely willing.

Oh, last week. I'm not kidding. It's been a minefield. I'm on all the, you know, check all the boxes on the programs.

Oh, last week. I'm not kidding. It's been a minefield. I'm on all the, you know, check all the boxes on the programs.

I want you to go. I'm doing everything I can, but my life can only, you know, if it just doesn't exist, it doesn't exist.

I want you to go. I'm doing everything I can, but my life can only, you know, if it just doesn't exist, it doesn't exist.

Hey there. Ultimately, my question for you, Dr. John, is I find myself, I'm pregnant for a third time with a third baby girl. So I currently have two girls and a third one's on the way. And ultimately, that's been a harsh reality to accept. I wouldn't even say accept as fully in my vocabulary yet. In a preface to this discussion, I did want to say I recognize

That's how lucky I am to be struggling with this exact situation because I know so many are not, would be counting their lucky stars to be in my exact situation.

Yeah, and that's what I have to tell people.

I'm going to apologize because I'm going to be teary-eyed.

You're going to hear it, I'm sure. I don't have easy pregnancies, and we have really, really challenging newborn phases. All of my children... So far and projected by professionals, we'll be born with something called severe infantile reflux, which is just acid reflux for you and me can be deadly in an infant.

And so first baby was almost admitted to the NICU as like a four-month-old to have a feeding tube. And the choice to have another child... comes with an incredible weight of six months of just really intense colic medical appointments. And it's something they'll grow out of, but it's a very, very intense newborn period, as it is with anybody, but just an extra layer of it.

And so I think the disappointment is that I had even told my husband years ago, I want two children and I'm done. And we didn't even find out the gender of our second child until she was born because I was so dead set on having two. And there was just a deep gut-wrenching that was, I'm not done yet. My family's not done yet. And this hope of, please let us have a chance to have a boy again.

Always, yes.

Yeah, the newborn period that God had for us was way worse than anybody could have ever described. Sure. But... they grow through it. Thank God they grow through it.

Yeah. Basically. And I just felt like I'm very faithful person. I felt like, um, My prayers are, God, if I take this chance again, please let our family grow to what we have pictured. And I also have just the most wonderful husband. I pray that any young woman that's searching finds a guy like mine one day. I'm so freaking lucky.

And to not see him get the chance to pass that on to his own little boy... cripples me um and I think that's just so what I would tell you is you've got permission to be sad

Yeah. Yeah. I know people are going to be born into a family where they're not. That's not.

You're going to be a great mom. Absolutely. It's just, there's also this, this heartache that I can't, I have found. And this is through my PPD, you know, my postpartum depression experience was the more I pretend everything's okay, the harder it becomes for it to not be okay and to actually heal through it. That's right.

So this is the first time I'm actually taking a socially unacceptable thing to say. It's like, I'm not excited about having another baby girl. I'm not.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No. And that's part of, I have. Did you already have a name for that little boy? Yeah.

I don't want to say it because I don't want to have to keep crying that I don't get to use it.

Well, and that's something that happens.

I don't know if your wife experienced this. Each of my pregnancies, I had very vivid dreams. Of course. Of, you know, the gender of baby I was holding. That's right. I could see their face, and it felt so real. And that's... I actually... I was convinced I was pregnant with a boy. I think that's another layer of all this. It feels like I have lost a person because it was so clear.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Yeah. And I think that's ultimately why I called you is that... I knew that the weight of what I'm feeling is too heavy for the phase of, I don't have a propensity to postpartum depression. It's like, I can't be wrestling with all this biochemistry that's about to come.

A couple.

I hear you. This is my hesitation towards what you're asking me. And there's other people that probably are in the same shoe that need to hear your answer. I psychologically have been through a battlefield in the last year. If I were to ask for support from friends in that way, what ends up happening is the minefield that I open up chases people away because it's just too heavy.

It's chased a few people away that were my support, because the friendship landscape has changed recently.

The burden, yeah.

I do, because I was doing those things that you're saying, and I was... reaching out in these friendships. And so now I'm at this weird place where I have to be very trepidatious about what I share.

Yeah.

I think I've tried everything I know to do. Okay. It's, we're in, Sorry, let me back it up. We're an ex-military family. So we're new-ish to an area. And when you don't have deep roots somewhere, those connections to just be able to call somebody and pull that trigger to get the help, it's not always an easy thing.

It's tough. And it's not that I'm unwilling. I'm absolutely willing.

Oh, last week. I'm not kidding. It's been a minefield. I'm on all the, you know, check all the boxes on the programs.

I want you to go. I'm doing everything I can, but my life can only, you know, if it just doesn't exist, it doesn't exist.

funny guys really well done Eleanor is in Charlotte North Carolina hey Eleanor what's up hi Dave hi Ken big fan of the show and of both of you uh thanks for having me on thank you how can we help uh so my question is if it would be morally wrong to offer to open 529s for my friend's children uh but with the stipulation that I get to maintain ownership of the account um and I can give a little bit of background on why I'm asking that question but um

funny guys really well done Eleanor is in Charlotte North Carolina hey Eleanor what's up hi Dave hi Ken big fan of the show and of both of you uh thanks for having me on thank you how can we help uh so my question is if it would be morally wrong to offer to open 529s for my friend's children uh but with the stipulation that I get to maintain ownership of the account um and I can give a little bit of background on why I'm asking that question but um

So I was listening to the show last month, and George and Rachel had somebody on who had a baby, and his brother opened a 529 for the baby and wanted to maintain ownership of the account. And they felt like that was a strings-attached situation. And so this is really relevant for me because I've been wanting to do this for a friend of mine with that same stipulation.

So I was listening to the show last month, and George and Rachel had somebody on who had a baby, and his brother opened a 529 for the baby and wanted to maintain ownership of the account. And they felt like that was a strings-attached situation. And so this is really relevant for me because I've been wanting to do this for a friend of mine with that same stipulation.

But now I'm wondering, is it morally wrong to make such an offer?

But now I'm wondering, is it morally wrong to make such an offer?

You are the custodian. The ability to withdraw from it.

You are the custodian. The ability to withdraw from it.

Can't the owner draw on it with penalties or something like that, though? That's my concern.

Can't the owner draw on it with penalties or something like that, though? That's my concern.

Okay, great.

Okay, great.

Yeah, that's my concern.

Yeah, that's my concern.

Right. Exactly.

Right. Exactly.

Right.

Right.

funny guys really well done Eleanor is in Charlotte North Carolina hey Eleanor what's up hi Dave hi Ken big fan of the show and of both of you uh thanks for having me on thank you how can we help uh so my question is if it would be morally wrong to offer to open 529s for my friend's children uh but with the stipulation that I get to maintain ownership of the account um and I can give a little bit of background on why I'm asking that question but um

So I was listening to the show last month, and George and Rachel had somebody on who had a baby, and his brother opened a 529 for the baby and wanted to maintain ownership of the account. And they felt like that was a strings-attached situation. And so this is really relevant for me because I've been wanting to do this for a friend of mine with that same stipulation.

But now I'm wondering, is it morally wrong to make such an offer?

You are the custodian. The ability to withdraw from it.

Can't the owner draw on it with penalties or something like that, though? That's my concern.

Okay, great.

Yeah, that's my concern.

Right. Exactly.

Right.