Elena

Nobody's here to shame anybody about that. What you like is what you like. You shouldn't feel ashamed about it unless it's hurting someone. And the problem here was it took a sinister turn. Yeah. Because... He wasn't just keeping these secret for his own well-being. He was keeping it secret because he was taught to. And he was taught that it was wrong.

And he was taught that what he was doing was disgusting and something to be shamed of.

And he was taught that what he was doing was disgusting and something to be shamed of.

Yes. You know? It's true. She turned it into a taboo thing. Right. Because at first, when he was five, he sat there and said, like, why is this weird? Like, why are you mad at me?

Yes. You know? It's true. She turned it into a taboo thing. Right. Because at first, when he was five, he sat there and said, like, why is this weird? Like, why are you mad at me?

Yeah, these are just pretty. I just like these shoes. Right. And when he reached puberty and began to associate those feelings with other things, he would associate them with secrecy, shame, and excitement with sex. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This also kind of went with he experienced death at a young age as well. A childhood friend passed away, one that he was close to when he was very young.

Yeah, these are just pretty. I just like these shoes. Right. And when he reached puberty and began to associate those feelings with other things, he would associate them with secrecy, shame, and excitement with sex. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This also kind of went with he experienced death at a young age as well. A childhood friend passed away, one that he was close to when he was very young.

And then also that neighbor who was his only source of support, she passed away as well.

And then also that neighbor who was his only source of support, she passed away as well.

Yeah. So that also became mixed up with these feelings as he was entering puberty. And so he would forever associate his sexual interest in women's clothing and shoes. And that would kind of be fused with his resentment of women. And then it would also fuse with his fascination and kind of like dealing with death at a young age. So it all kind of fused together.

Yeah. So that also became mixed up with these feelings as he was entering puberty. And so he would forever associate his sexual interest in women's clothing and shoes. And that would kind of be fused with his resentment of women. And then it would also fuse with his fascination and kind of like dealing with death at a young age. So it all kind of fused together.

And again, you never know when these things are going to fuse into one of these little shit balls of just nightmares. Because people grow through these things all the time. People go through death at a young age. People go through being interested in something that you kind of feel ashamed about, that you've been taught to be shamed about.

And again, you never know when these things are going to fuse into one of these little shit balls of just nightmares. Because people grow through these things all the time. People go through death at a young age. People go through being interested in something that you kind of feel ashamed about, that you've been taught to be shamed about.

And, you know, like people deal with shitty parents and shitty mothers and shitty, you know, authority figures all the time. Yeah. Sometimes they deal with all three of them and they don't turn into this. Right. So you just you just don't know. It's like, is it a timing thing? Is it you don't know what's going to just fuse it into that like shit ball that's going to turn into this.

And, you know, like people deal with shitty parents and shitty mothers and shitty, you know, authority figures all the time. Yeah. Sometimes they deal with all three of them and they don't turn into this. Right. So you just you just don't know. It's like, is it a timing thing? Is it you don't know what's going to just fuse it into that like shit ball that's going to turn into this.

Yeah. You just you can't you really can't predict it. No. But by the time Jerry reached adolescence, the family had moved again, this time to Salem, Oregon. And that's where Henry Brudos, the father, was trying again to be a farmer.

Yeah. You just you can't you really can't predict it. No. But by the time Jerry reached adolescence, the family had moved again, this time to Salem, Oregon. And that's where Henry Brudos, the father, was trying again to be a farmer.

And Jerry didn't realize it, but by this time, where he was reaching adolescence, he had already started developing particular sexual interests that he knew, whether from inference or whether it was implicated to him, He knew he couldn't discuss these sexual interests with others, especially his parents. Okay. Which is a problem.

And Jerry didn't realize it, but by this time, where he was reaching adolescence, he had already started developing particular sexual interests that he knew, whether from inference or whether it was implicated to him, He knew he couldn't discuss these sexual interests with others, especially his parents. Okay. Which is a problem.

In fact, in the Brudos household, it's not like he couldn't just discuss these kind of niche and maybe taboo interests he was forming. He couldn't discuss those with his parents, but there was an air of secrecy and shame that was just around all sex. Yeah. Like... Sex was not talked about. It was treated as something that was disgusting and dirty.