Eli Finkel

I bring couples into the laboratory and I videotape them interacting and I follow them over time.

But these other disciplines, scholars in these other disciplines, adopt a different approach.

So I realized that marriage had, in fact, changed radically in terms of the way we expect it to fulfill our needs in America, that is.

And it used to be that marriage was about basic economic survival.

We've seen that from Stephanie Kuntz and others.

And you can think of that as being at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy toward the physiological and safety needs, really survival-based needs.

And then as we track marriage and it becomes more about love, now we're more toward the middle of Maslow's hierarchy.

And then in the 1960s and then really up until today, we're in this new era where, yes, we're still looking for love.

But now we're toward the top of Maslow's hierarchy where he's talking about things like esteem and self-actualization.

And so our expectations of marriage have basically ascended from the bottom to the top of Maslow's hierarchy over the course of American history.

And one of the ideas that emerged as I was writing this book is that we can conceptualize Maslow's hierarchy not just in terms of a triangle but in terms of a mountain, right?

And the advantage of thinking of Maslow's hierarchy as a mountain in this way is that it brings to mind a number of metaphors related to –

And one thing that we know when we climb up a big mountain is the views get increasingly gorgeous as you get to the top, but the oxygen gets a little thinner.

And so having a successful experience way up there at the top requires that you are able to invest a lot of oxygen, either bring extra oxygen with you on the mountain or invest a lot of time and energy in the marriage to succeed up there.

That's right.

That's right.

That is, it's lovely way up there at the top.

And if we're looking to try to achieve not only this sense of love and connection, but also this sense of personal growth and authenticity through the marriage, but we're trying to do it on the cheap.

And that disconnect is what I'm talking about when I talk about the suffocation of marriage.

That is exactly right.