No one will deny that marriage is hard. In fact, there’s evidence it’s getting even harder. This week on the show, we revisit a favorite episode about the history of marriage and how it has evolved over time. We talk with historian Stephanie Coontz and psychologist Eli Finkel, and explore ways we can improve our love lives — including by asking less of our partners. Then, on Your Questions Answered, psychologist Jonathan Adler answers your questions about the science of storytelling.If you have follow-up questions or thoughts about these ideas, and you’d be willing to share them with the Hidden Brain audience, please record a voice memo on your phone. Then, email it to us at [email protected]. Use the subject line “marriage.” That email address again is [email protected] Hidden Brain tour is continuing, with our next stop just a few weeks away! Join us in Los Angeles on November 22, and stay tuned for more dates coming in 2026. For more info and tickets, head to hiddenbrain.org/tour. Episode illustration by Getty Images for Unsplash+ Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.
Full Episode
This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. No matter how many weddings you've been to, it's hard to shake that contagious feeling of optimism. Couples pledge to love one another in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer. Family members dab tears from their eyes, agreeing that these two people are meant to be together forever. But so many marriages become unhappy. Some dissolve.
Some end in divorce. And even the successful ones are not without challenges. No one would deny that long-term relationships are hard. And in fact, there's evidence they're getting harder. Over the past few weeks, our Love 2.0 series has explored new ways to think about how we engage with romantic partners and spouses.
We've talked about how to build new bonds with our significant others, how to strengthen the bonds we already have. We've looked at how we respond to our partner's most annoying habits and how we can let go of our desire to change them. Today, we bring you a classic episode that many listeners have told us is one of their favorites.
It's about the changing nature of marriage in the United States and other parts of the world.
Lots of people argue that having these high expectations is problematic and it's harming the institution of marriage. And frankly, among the people who used to argue that is myself.
How our expectations of marriage have evolved and a paradoxical way to achieve more happiness in our relationships... This week on Hidden Brain. To understand marriage today, we thought it best to go back to a time and place when marriage was very different.
Well, I've been studying the history of family life for many, many years, but I specifically got interested in marriage as we got into these debates about what traditional marriage was.
That's Stephanie Koontz. She's an emeritus professor at the Evergreen State College and the author of the book Marriage, a History, How Love Conquered Marriage. I interviewed her back in 2017. Stephanie says the earliest marriages had nothing to do with the feelings of two people or their attraction to one another.
As you probably know, marriage was much more about economics and acquiring powerful in-laws.
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