Elisabeth McKay

And there's a very specific reason for this.

When you are seeking healing, actual healing and integration, you have to be okay with operating in the gray and knowing that you may never know.

When somebody is seeking truth, think about it this way, they're almost showing up to their personal history like a detective, like, was I sexually abused?

Who did this?

I have to know.

Naturally, you're putting yourself into more of a hypervigilant state, and that suspicion predisposes you toward confirmation bias, and you're highly likely to

to make assumptions or connections that might not be objectively true.

And because we can't hit the God replay button, we cannot go backwards, you are setting yourself up to potentially start to loop on suspicion and add pieces into your personal narrative that are actually not objective truth.

And in that way, they're not benefiting you.

They run the risk of actually making your healing process delayed or stop entirely.

What I have found to be true is that the more you seek to understand yourself and what made you who you are, eventually you get to a place where you realize concretely you know nothing.

And there's some sort of freedom in that, which is why I call it the paradox of self-understanding.

As you're pursuing understanding yourself, you start to realize like...

None of it matters.

Actually, as I get here, like the most evolved state is like, oh, actually, I'm never going to know.

So letting go of the need to know is actually one of the most freeing experiences.

I've had some very bizarre things happen to me in my childhood.

And there are so many people that when I talk to you about some of these things, they're like,

well don't you want to know the truth don't you want to know the answers to x y and z and my answer to that is usually if God wants me to know those things they will happen but I do not need to go seeking those things I do not feel broken and separated within myself by not knowing the truth I know who I am I know who those things potentially made me to be I know where I have work to do but there's no part of me that feels like I can't move on in my journey unless I know how to put those pieces in because I know

It's a farce.