Elisabeth McKay

Possessiveness over friendships, very common, definitely worth correcting.

Hyperfixation on fairness.

There is a very specific set of brain patterns that do hyperfixate on fairness.

And one of the things that's important for us to remember is that

Our world is not fair.

So trying to get your kid to orient safety to equal fairness is a setup from the outset.

You need to teach your kids that things are not always fair.

And if you think about where we've gone in the last 10 years, 9 years, there's been a shift toward thinking, well, this sort of everybody is a winner narrative actually benefits us.

it actually does not it does the opposite when somebody fixates on fairness and things needing to be equal we live in a world that is not necessarily fair life isn't fair sometimes you win sometimes you lose it's far better for you and your development to learn how to lose gracefully and to take radical personal responsibility and ownership rather than develop a psychological mechanism like blame shifting projection deflection splitting which often happens

from the root of jealousy constant scorekeeping is another one right and constant scorekeeping may be something that is eventually segwaying somebody into that splitting mechanism feeling chronically left out i can't tell you how many adults feel chronically left out but once they start to do break they realize that they actually push people's buttons and cause them to be left out

If they were to engage differently, they would be included, but their behavior is partially what gets them kicked out or maybe perceived as too emotionally volatile to bring into the group.

And these are very common things that happen as a child.

And as you've heard me say dozens of times on this show, what you don't correct in childhood persists and it often augments.

emotional escalation when attention shifts, that needs to be corrected, passive-aggressive comments, secret competitiveness, even competitiveness that's not rooted in actual motivation and commitment, withdrawal after others succeed, and also wanting others to fail.

If you have an inkling that this is happening with one of your children in a pack of siblings, you must correct this.

Some children become overly competitive, others internalize it, and some become quietly resentful.

But ultimately, they all stem from the same root, which is perceived lack.

Jealousy is deeply tied to scarcity psychology.

The nervous system believes that love is limited, that opportunities are limited, attention is limited, success is limited, worth is ranked.

and that safety is competitive.